Tracie Peterson (40 page)

“Boys, I want you to bring in every bit of trash,” Ashley instructed as she stepped out of her new burgundy minivan. She had purchased lunch for the boys at one of the fast-food stops on the way home and knew that if she didn’t instruct them to clean up after themselves, they would conveniently forget.

She leaned across the driver’s seat and retrieved a sack of groceries. It didn’t constitute much in the way of supplies for the household, but that was because she planned to leave first thing in the morning. While they were gone, Jack would probably eat out most of the time.

She followed the boys into the house and was rather surprised when Jack met her at the door. He took up the sack and it was then that Ashley noticed the somber look on his face.

“We need to talk,” he told her.

“I need to get the dry cleaning out of the van,” she replied and turned to walk back out.

“Ashley, it will keep,” Jack said and the tone of his voice left her little doubt that something was very wrong.

“All right,” she said softly. “What about the boys?”

“I’ve sent them next door to play. I told them just as they came in the front door. I’ve already talked to Mary,” he said, mentioning their next-door neighbor.

Ashley knew that if Jack had gone to all the trouble to arrange someone’s help in keeping their boys occupied, the topic must indeed be important. She followed him into the kitchen and waited until he put the sack down on the counter before stepping anywhere
near him. Sadly she found a great deal of her affection for him was lost in the wake of his lie. Yet she still loved him—maybe that’s what hurt the most. If she could only convince herself not to care, things might be so much easier. Her biggest fear, however, was that he would expect her to be intimate with him, and she simply couldn’t allow that with this unresolved issue between them. She wanted nothing to do with anything that might be misconstrued as interest in something physical.

Jack seemed to understand this as well because he backed off and leaned against the counter while Ashley put the perishable things in the refrigerator.

“So what merits this moment of privacy?” she asked nonchalantly after stacking a package of steak and a container of pasta sauce atop a sealed plastic bowl.

“Something really bad has happened. Brook called to tell you, but you weren’t in Estes and so she called here.”

“Is it Grammy?” Ashley questioned, feeling a nervous sensation in her stomach.

“No.”

“So what’s happened?” She closed the refrigerator door and leaned against it as if for strength.

“Dave is dead,” Jack said, his tone somber.

Ashley looked at her husband as though he’d suddenly started speaking a foreign language.
Dead? Dave?
She shook her head. “How?”

“Suicide,” Jack replied. “He shot himself.”

Ashley felt her nerves fire up. A tingling sensation started in her lower spine and worked its way up her back and into the base of her neck. “But why?”

“That I can’t tell you. Brook didn’t know much. She wanted you to know about it and said that most everyone was gathering in Kansas City. I guess Mattie is already there. Connie too.”

“I guess we’ll head there instead of Council Grove,” Ashley said, rather overwhelmed by the information. “I suppose the boys and I
can leave tonight instead of tomorrow.”

“Or you could fly,” Jack said softly. “And leave the boys here.”

She shook her head. “No. I had this visit planned anyway. I’ll just drive to Kansas City. If we leave tonight, I can stop in Limon or even push to Goodland. That way we can be there tomorrow night.”

“You have no business going that far by yourself. Look, the funeral hasn’t even been planned yet. Why don’t you talk to your grandmother first?”

“I’ll talk to Grammy before leaving—that is, if I can locate her,” Ashley said. “I suppose calling Deirdre’s house or Erica’s would be the best bet.”

She moved away from the refrigerator and headed for the telephone, but Jack stopped her. “Come sit with me,” he said, pulling her to the small alcove where they usually ate breakfast. He put his hands on her shoulders and pressed lightly to get Ashley to take a seat at the table. “I have something else to say.”

Ashley studied his serious expression. Was there something more to Dave’s death? Something he wasn’t telling her? Had something happened to Deirdre?

“Is Deirdre all right? Morgan?”

“They’re okay,” Jack said, sitting down beside her. “It’s just that this whole situation left me completely stripped of my resolve.”

“I don’t understand,” Ashley said, shaking her head. “What resolve?”

“I did lie to you,” Jack began, continuing despite the gasp Ashley couldn’t quite conceal. “You’ve been right all along. I know it was wrong, but I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” she asked, almost terrified of the answer. If she could have just remembered it all for herself, it might not seem so horrible.

“I was afraid of losing you.” His voice cracked emotionally. “You did come to the office on the day of the accident. But you never told me about the baby. You didn’t get the chance.”

Ashley felt her breathing quicken and her heart race. The
moment of truth was before her and she wasn’t exactly sure she wanted it exposed. “Why are you telling me this now?”

Jack bit his lower lip and looked down at the table. “I guess it was hearing about Dave. It was the reality of his suicide that made me realize that I wasn’t so very far from such thoughts myself.”

“What!” Ashley declared louder than she’d intended. The idea that her husband had contemplated taking his life was more than she could fathom. “Why in the world would you say such a thing?”

Jack looked up at her, his eyes were damp with tears and his expression betrayed abject pain. “I deserve to die after what I did to you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You came to the office to tell me about the baby. And instead, you opened the door and found me . . . you saw me . . .” his voice trailed off. He coughed and choked back his tears. “You saw me with Gina.”

“Gina?” Ashley still couldn’t remember it. She saw herself walking down the hall to Jack’s office, felt her hand on the door, but opening the door revealed nothing but blackness.

“I was kissing Gina.”

“Kissing her?” Ashley felt that somewhere in the back of her mind this statement had support in her memories. She visualized her husband and the redheaded nurse. She forced herself to think of them passionately kissing.

“I didn’t mean to let it happen, Ashley,” Jack continued. “I can’t think of anything I’ve ever done that was more stupid than having an affair with Gina.”

“An affair?” Ashley echoed in a whisper. “You had an affair?”

“Yes. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. You saw us together and you freaked out. I can’t blame you, but I also couldn’t stop you. You ran for the car and took off in a blind fury. I came after you, but by the time I caught up . . . well, the accident had already taken place.”

“I see,” Ashley said, forcing her tone to be even. “How long have you been having this affair?”

“It’s over now, but it was going on for about two months,” Jack said and got up to pace the room. “I don’t care anything about her. I don’t love her. You have to know that.”

“Then why did you cheat on me with her?” Ashley asked. It was almost impossible to digest all the information he’d just given her.

Jack stopped and shook his head. “I don’t know. It was just one of those very stupid mistakes. She’d been coming on to me for several months and I just kept putting her off. Then one evening when you’d called to say you weren’t going to be home until late and I decided to stay on at the clinic and get some extra work done . . . well, Gina convinced me that I was being rather neglected.”

“Neglected?”

“I know it sounds lame, but she appealed to something inside of me. She made me feel young and important. She esteemed my knowledge and fed my ego. I know it was wrong, but I was lonely and you were always busy.”

“And do you think that excuses your behavior?” Ashley questioned, starting to get angry.

“No,” Jack said, coming back to the table. “I know it doesn’t excuse anything. I don’t want to be excused—just forgiven. I don’t want to lose you, Ashley. I couldn’t live like that. I know too many divorced people—we both do. You know how awful that life is for them and for their kids.”

“But even knowing that, and knowing that I’d have very little tolerance for such a thing, you went ahead and slept with your nurse. Why should I forgive you?”

Jack slumped to the chair. “You shouldn’t, but I’m praying that you will. I’m trying to make amends and set things right. I asked Gina to resign.”

“So you punished Gina for your indiscretion?”

“I didn’t punish her. I talked to some of my colleagues. She has another job—a better job. And I asked her to forgive me. She’s consumed with guilt, Ashley. She knows the part she had to play in this whole thing. She feels every bit as responsible for your accident as I
do.”

“We lost our baby,” Ashley stated, swallowing hard to keep her composure. “I had to have a hysterectomy, and all because you allowed Gina to make you feel nineteen again? I’m supposed to understand that and just up and forgive you?”

Jack said nothing. He didn’t have to. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. It was only the second time Ashley had ever seen him cry. The first time was at his father’s funeral.

Overwhelmed by this news, Ashley got up from the table. “I can’t think about this here. I’m going forward with my plans. I’ll leave tonight.”

“Please let me go with you,” Jack said, getting up. He reached out to her only to have Ashley recoil.

“Don’t touch me, and please don’t think that this matter is resolved. Confession may have been good for your soul, but you’ve just ripped mine to shreds.” She tried not to think of the full impact of what Jack had told her. “I’m taking the boys and going to Kansas City. Then after the funeral we’re going to spend the rest of the summer with Mattie. I’ll cancel all of their other activities, so don’t worry about having to do a single thing.”

“Please don’t go off like this. What if something happens?”

“Something has already happened, and I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.”

She turned and walked out of the room, wishing she could once again feel the numbness that had sustained her after the accident. Instead, a brilliant white-hot pain seemed to sear her heart. Ashley imagined the scene in Jack’s office. She could very nearly remember it. How could he do this to her? How could he have betrayed his family that way?

She walked to the minivan and opened the back to retrieve her dry cleaning. Her husband had cheated on her. She was now no different than most of the country club wives. Rhonda would say, “Welcome to the club, sweetie.” Willa would good-naturedly offer to drive them all to the nearest bar where they could drown their sorrows.
But this wasn’t something Ashley wanted anyone to know. Not even her best friends. Not even Brook.

She took up the dry cleaning, most of which were Jack’s dress shirts and slacks, and closed the hatch. Leaning against the car, she stared back up at the house.
Our dream house
, she thought. The house they had spent months looking for. It was a perfect house to raise children in. A perfect house for entertaining. It should have been everything that she had wanted out of life. But it wasn’t. Her life was a sham.

Grammy would chide her for placing her sights on things below. Ashley could remember nights in front of the fire when Grammy had reminded them that houses didn’t make homes—people did. That possessions were irrelevant in matters of the heart, and that love could grow anywhere so long as it found fertile, willing soil.

“
I don’t love her. You have to know that
,” Jack had said, his voice thick with emotion.

Down deep inside, Ashley knew it was true, but it didn’t matter, and maybe in some ways it only made things worse.

“You don’t love me either, Jack. Because if you did, you couldn’t have done this horrible thing.”

Chapter 36

“You’re all wasting my time,” Miriam Wells stated, then paused to take a long drag off her cigarette. “I’m busting myself to keep you in the top-paying modeling jobs and what thanks do I get? Kristy announces that she’s pregnant.” She pointed the cigarette at the rail-thin blonde at the end of the table. “Sisi gets busted for her little heroin addiction, and you,” she said, turning to Brook, “are no longer taking your job seriously.”