Toxic Secrets (27 page)

My eyes stayed focused on a few robins digging for worms in Phillip’s front yard. Knowing he had to be furious with me at this point I was afraid to look at him. I had to figure out a quick way to end my conversation before things got heated to a burning degree.

As I watched the robins find food for survival, knowing their only fear in the world was their line-up in the food chain, it dawned on me that I was no longer owned by Phillip. I could do as I pleased. He had no control of me. I had control of my own life now. With confidence, I looked at him, ready to face any wrath he tossed my way. But to my surprise, he was gazing out of the passenger side window, watching his neighbors pick weeds from their flowerbeds.

“Courtney Danielle Peterson!” My mother exclaimed.

Startled, I dropped my phone in my lap. When my mother used my full name it was never a good sign. I scrambled around to answer her. “Yes?”

“Are you ignoring me?”

“No ma’am.” I frowned. “Sorry, I got distracted,” I said, watching Phillip lost in his own world.

She sighed. “Do you think it is possible Kendra told her parents?”

I huffed, “No mom, I really don’t. She wouldn’t do that.” Phillip finally turned to look at me, a genuine smile plastered on his beautiful face. His eyebrows shot up and his hand motioned for me to hurry up. “Look, mom, I need to get off of here, can we talk about this when I get home?”

My mom grunted in the phone. “Yeah, and that’s not all I want to talk about with you when you get home. I think we need to discuss Phillip, too.” I could just picture her smirky grin on the opposite end of our phone call.
Great!

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, mom.” I pulled the phone away from my ear to hit the end button when I heard her shout my name.

I didn’t expect the exciting nature in her voice when she gushed into the phone. “Oh my gosh! Don’t hang up yet. I forgot to tell you the rest of my exciting news.” Geez, she was flip-flopping all over the place today. “Reed stopped by the house today. He told me about the new restaurant/bar opening up in a couple of months and asked if I would be interested in a job.”

“What did you tell him?"

“I told him of course. It looks like your senior year is going to end on a happy note after all, sweetie.”

My thoughts drifted to that one person that made me happy during the holidays—Jaxon. Remembering the laughs and smiles he’d placed on my face saddened me. How easily he’d forgotten me after leaving. I knew that I wasn’t any better in communicating with him, but I would have thought for sure he would’ve at least contacted me. If not for any other reason than to at least see how I was doing. How could I have been so stupid to believe that I was actually getting a chance to visit him in California, to finally travel out of North Carolina
? Oh well, I guess life goes on.

“I’m so happy for you, mom.” I truly was. The misery she’d drudged through over the last five weeks was wearing her down. I hadn’t seen her so unhappy since my grandparents passed away.

Mom began clicking her tongue.
What could it be now?
She only did this when she was contemplating whether or not to say what was on her mind. “Just spit it out,” I droned.

“Well, Reed also mentioned to me that Jaxon is the owner of my new place of employment—”

“
Annnd
?” I questioned, cutting her off. I absolutely did not want to discuss him in front of Phillip. Talking in code was not my forte’.

Mom giggled in the phone. “Well I was just wondering if you two still talk. You know, he was a really nice guy…” 

I masked a grin. “Okay mom, I’ll talk to you later. I love you. Bye.” I tapped end before she could make our conversation any more awkward.

Hopping out of Phillip’s 4Runner, I moved at a snail’s pace, buying myself time getting over to his side to help him out of his truck. Racking my brain, I tried to think up a quick conversation piece before he had the chance to question my phone call.

Time was up. As I reached his door, my mind was still coming up empty. His eyebrows scrunched tightly together, watching me intently. 
Oh shit, do something quick, Court.
 I opened his door, and before he had the chance to say anything I grabbed the “oh shit” handles, pulling myself up to meet him face to face. Then I kissed him lightly but fervently, leaving no hesitation for second guessing.

Phillip didn’t seem to have any qualms about my candid attack, his arm snaked around my waist holding me close to him. His other hand palmed my cheek gracefully while his thumb floated over my skin, stopping for a moment to graze the outer edge of my lips. Then, moving lower, he rubbed it back and forth so tenderly along my jaw line.

Phillip deepened the kiss, our tongues exploring each other’s mouth. I tasted the sweetness I remembered. The sweetness I used to love and crave… and possibly still did. He released my face, his hand trickling down along my thigh. His fingers crawled their way up my jeans, making their way up under my shirt to lightly caress my waist. He then explored higher to palm my breast over my bra, his thumb rubbing back and forth, bringing things to a peak. A small moan escaped me.

I was surprised by how good it felt. It had been so long. My own betrayal sent a shot of nerves into the pit of my stomach. The questions started overflowing my mind—
Was this what I really wanted? Was I leading him on? Was this going to change everything?
Quickly, I pulled back, breaking the kiss I was drowning in. Both of us were panting and filled with desire. I searched his eyes looking for some sort of clue that this was right. I needed to know.

He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to regain his composure. “Why did you do that?” he asked. His hand fell from my breast resting on my waist. The touch still felt electrifying.

At that moment, I noticed I had a death grip on the handles. I loosened my fingers bringing the blood flow back to surface. “Do what? Kiss you or stop kissing you?” I breathed.

“Both.”

I paused a moment before speaking. “To be honest, I don’t know. It was just something spontaneous,” I shrugged. I couldn’t tell him the real reason why I started it, but could I tell him the reason why I stopped it? I hoped I didn’t regret the words that were about to fall out of my mouth. “Phillip, it’s killed me to see you in so much misery and I want you to know how much I still care about you. I have wished every day that it was me that was in that passenger seat and not you. You will never know how sorry I am for what I did to you, and, if there was some way for me to repay you, I would do it in a heartbeat, no hesitation.” He sat there staring at me with no expression. He always had the best poker-face.

His big browns held mine, not allowing me to look away. “That doesn’t really explain why you stopped, but you said something else that caught my attention.” He reached up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear. The gesture was so simple, but so endearing. “Before we discuss this any further will you help me out? My leg is killing me, and I want to lie down and rest for a while.” The wheels started spinning like a dragster in my brain trying to think of what I had said to pique his interest.

I tried talking Phillip into lounging around on the couch because it was torturous on me to help him up the stairs, but he was insistent on relaxing on his bed. He said he didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. I thought it was strange because nobody was here but us, and his family was gone for the day visiting his aunt and uncle up in Boone.

Sitting in his office chair, I stared at him, but not really looking at him lying before me on the bed. The questions started burning back into my thoughts about the feelings that came to life during our kiss. It felt stronger this time than before.

“Courtney,” he said, patting the empty spot beside of him on the bed. “Come over here and talk to me. You look like you’re a million miles away,” he smiled crookedly.

Reluctantly, I sat down beside him with my legs crisscrossed, facing him. The butterflies came to life in my belly. I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or from the old feelings I was battling with.

“I’m not going to pussy-foot around… I need to know…” He cleared his throat a couple of times. “Do you love me?” he asked quietly. His hooded eyes opened widely, his stare locked with mine to assess my reaction.

My heart rate accelerated, and the butterflies turned into a massive swarm. I smiled warmly at him, “Yes. But that doesn’t change anything, Phillip.”

He laughed a little. “But it does because I’ve learned through all of this…” he said, pointing at his leg, “… that the times we’ve been apart these past few months, that I still love you too. When I told you back during Christmas that it killed me to be away from you, I meant it.” He grabbed my hand, interlacing my fingers with his. “As bad as the wreck was, I honestly believe it happened for a reason, Courtney. God brought us back together because he knows we belong together.” He gently pulled my hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss in my palm.

I was speechless. I was confused. I was overwhelmed.

“Stop overthinking. Let things happen naturally. I know you feel it too. I know you feel that pull toward me, just as I feel it for you. Stop fighting it because you can’t win. Believe me. I know. I’ve tried.”

My body went numb. My body was going through the motions without any control over my actions. Phillip’s fingers streamed through my hair, circling around the shell of my ear, teasing my lobe. His tongue moistened my lips before tasting my desire, our kiss more powerful this time than the previous two.

Our mouths separated, leaving my lips wanting more. He continued kissing a trail from my cheek up to my ear. “Don’t think, just feel,” he whispered almost inaudibly, his lips brushing against my neck below my ear.

Unable to think, my head was buzzing from a high. My body tingled everywhere he touched me. Reveling in the intoxicating euphoria he brought over my body, I hadn’t even notice he had unbuttoned my blouse or unclasped my bra. It wasn’t until I felt his hot breath against my breast, followed by his cool tongue circling my small bud and deepening my arousal, that I became aware of his actions. It was all so surreal. I had never felt this way before with Phillip. He has never tended to my wants and needs in the past. But this time was different, this time he was showing me the true love I always sought from him. Right now, at this moment, I knew his words of love were real. I could feel it.

Rising to my knees, I hastily jerked my blouse and bra the rest of the way off, tossing them onto the floor. Phillip had already removed his t-shirt, and lay on the bed wearing only his sweat pants. The string was untied and the band around his hips hung loosely. Closing my eyes, I inhaled a deep breath. There was no need for me to look at him. I could still remember exactly how he looked. I had memorized every curve, every groove, every freckle, every scar, the little birthmark that rested right along his rib, and the light trail of hair that led to his most treasured piece.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, finding that he was unbuttoning my jeans. Remaining still on my knees, I allowed him to take over my body. He tugged my jeans and panties down as far as he could reach, and without any hesitation, I finished the process for him.

Sucking in a deep breath, he slowly exhaled and spoke with passion. “God, I’ve missed that perfect body of yours,” he moaned as his hands easily gripped my waist and placed me on top of him.

“Phillip, I don’t want to hurt you. What about your leg?” I warned.

He chuckled in response, “Court, my leg is the least of my worries right now. The way you make me feel is too good to hurt anything else.”

Now straddling his waist, he pulled me closer, placing his mouth on my breast, and flicking my firm nipple with his tongue. His other hand ran over my waist before cupping my breast, massaging tenderly. I wanted to touch him, I needed to touch him. Reaching around behind me, I found the firmness I was searching for, a shot of heat running through my core causing it to tingle with hunger.

Neither one of us could wait any longer. All foreplay had disappeared as we became ravenous for one another. Phillip grabbed both sides of my bottom, pulling me to him to devour my mouth. His hands worked behind me to release himself from the only piece of clothing left between us. He maneuvered me around smoothly, positioning me in the perfect location to bring us both pleasure. My breath hitched, and Phillip let out a loud moan as he leisurely pulled me down onto him. The sensation was intense. It felt so different than any time before. Better. I hovered over Phillip, picking up a continuous rhythm. His hands skimmed up my waist until they reached the underside of my breast, squeezing gingerly each time I pushed him further into me.

Our eyes locked into place, the brown of his and the green of mine combining into one, creating an abundant color of nature as we acted like primal beasts. “Court… I’m not far… when I say off… you’ve got to move… fast,” he choked out breathlessly. Speeding up my movements, I began to feel a strange, but lavishing, sensation that I had never experienced before. “Off!” Phillip spat out. I didn’t want to get off, I wanted to continue. I wanted to experience this strange but wonderful madness growing within my core. “Dammit, get off!” Phillip yelled.