Touched by a Phoenix (11 page)

“Alexandria, when did they start becoming more frequent again?” The pain in his voice matched the anguish in his eyes. They were more silvery than she had ever seen them, filled with regret. He appeared to blame himself for her suffering.

She glanced away evasively, “Recently.”

“Am I the cause…,” his voice trailed off as if he wasn’t sure how to finish the question.

She peered deeply into his eyes, searching for answers—answers to unasked questions. “Yes,” was all she could say.

A sorrowful groan escaped him as his eyes closed. He struggled to preserve some semblance of composure. Tears fell softly down his face. “I’m so sorry Alexandria, I never meant to….”

She reached for him. As her soft hand touched his cheek, he flinched. He opened his mouth as if to protest, but no words came forth as she gently brushed the tears away. The turmoil erupted as a flood of emotions washed over his face. He didn’t know what to do or how to act; he was desperately trying to figure something out.

“Alexandria is it because I touched you…kissed you?”

“Yes,” she said softly. Remorse seeped into his face before she was able to continue, “But not because of what you might think.” This was the moment-of-truth; she came face-to-face with her greatest fear. She swallowed hard. She had to go on if she ever hoped for a normal life, maybe a life with Brad. “For the first time in my life, something else was greater than my fear.”

He glanced up at her, confusion evident in his eyes.

“I buried the pain and built walls. I allowed fear to control me, to be triumphant for far too long but you became more important than my fear. I wanted you to touch me, to kiss me,” she offered simply.

He sat, staring at her. She was the most straightforward person he knew, yet she still managed to shock him with her candor. Her eyes melted into golden pools of liquid. With one look, she relayed the most intimate message; her heart showed him the way. He saw much more than his reflection, her eyes told him what her heart felt…and in them, he found himself. The fire melted his anger and devastated his resolve; he knew he had already become a part of her, and love…was simply called love. He was lost.

He understood the circumstances that caused her to build the stone wall around her heart but he intended to tear it down. He was desperate to kiss her, to love her, but his research instructed him to let her take the lead, to give her control. God, what was he supposed to do? He was more confused than ever.

“Alexandria…,” his voice was raw with emotion and his words failed him.

“What I told you doesn’t scare you?” Her eyes were searching his for answers.

“Of course, it does. I’ve never been more scared in my life, but if you will let me we’ll figure it out together.”

Her heart needed him, wanted him. As scared as she was, she was more afraid of losing him.

“Alexandria…,” he stopped, his jaw tightened.

She searched his eyes, sensed he wanted to ask something more, but was afraid. He was so unsure of himself; it was endearing. Suddenly she realized what he wanted…he was afraid to touch her, to kiss her…without permission, now that he knew. Alexandria’s heart would not wait for him to ask. Brad was meant to be her first kiss, her first everything, and quite possibly…her last.

She tentatively leaned over and kissed his cheek as if to say she was sorry for fighting him. He buried his cheek in her hand and pressed a kiss into her palm. He trembled beneath her hand as he gently caught her behind her neck and pulled her towards him. His lips lingered over hers for an eternity. His warm breath tantalizing hers, he was so close…yet so far away.

She felt as though she was floating outside her own body and nothing—nothing would ever compare to this moment. He held her captive, his lips like a tiny flame hovering above hers…like the deep indigo weaving its magic spell around the sun as it set over the bay. At last, he pressed his lips to hers, softly…but firmly. She gasped at the sweet sensation, her body softening as he stood and pulled her up into his arms, their kiss deepening.

The rapid beat of his heart betrayed him as she wound her hands around his neck. She had no idea what she was doing, but it felt so right being in his arms. She had wanted this since the day they met. She had gotten a taste of him last night, but fear kept her from fully giving into his kiss.

She ran her hands through his hair—so soft and silky. Her heart pounded—ocean waves crashed around her as she drank in his tender kiss. Her heart screamed,
please don’t ever stop
as he gently broke the kiss. His kiss drove the demons away, closed the door on the past, and opened the door to the future. He held her against his chest, his face buried in her neck, his breath soft and warm against her skin…she was safe.

“Where do we go from here?” she uttered the soft words against his chest.

He tenderly pulled away so he could see her eyes. After a long moment, he said, “You lead, and I will follow.”

Panic filled her eyes as she stammered, “Brad…I don’t know…I’ve never….”

The truth hit him squarely in the chest, knocking the wind out of him as surely as if someone had taken a whip to his back.
My God, he would be her first…
the other did not count. His heart leapt for joy, fueling the flames of desire.
Something deep within him vowed, not only would he be her first love…he would be her
last.

With the softest hint of a smile on his lips, he whispered, “Darling, you tell me everything I need to know with your eyes. When I look into them, I find myself.”

She looked down as if embarrassed. He moved a hand from her back to her chin and lifted her face gently with his index finger. “You are the strongest person I know, Alexandria. When you are lost, I will always find you and bring you home.”

They moved indoors as the evening air became chilly. A contented quietness befell them as she curled up against his chest on the sofa. After a while, her steady breathing told him she had fallen asleep. He carefully picked her up and carried her to bed. She woke as he put a blanket over her, “Please don’t go.”

“Why don’t I sleep on the sofa so you can rest comfortably?”

“No, stay with me.”

He did not hesitate—he could think of no place he would rather be. He removed his wallet and keys from his pockets and laid down beside her. Curled up in each other’s arms, they both slept.

The flight attendant announced the normal flight safety information as the doors closed, and the aircraft was pushed from the terminal. A little over five hours and they would be home. He had more than his fair share of adrenaline rushes over the past week. Alexandria trusted him enough to buy a company—several companies in fact, which he would use to take his career and AAS to the next level. She trusted him enough to ask him to give her a child as well as share her most intimate secret and her greatest pain.

What little energy he possessed drained from him as he laid his head back and slept. His dreams were filled with a redheaded vixen taunting him, every rational emotion, every need, every want, and every desire…his very existence.

She memorized every feature as he slept during the flight. Thoughts of how sweet and caring he had been this past week. He stayed with her every night, holding her so she could sleep, while he slept in jeans or workout pants. She tried to get him to go to his room as she pulled herself back together, but he had flat out refused.

Alexandria managed to deal with the final transactions and the legalities of transferring ownership of Bio-Space to AAS. She had stopped by the bank and dealt with the accounts, worked with the software folks integrating the systems and financial data, and even worked with the CPA firm to close out the books. Brad had dealt with the technology aspects and put the guys on a course of action to accomplish the goals for the upcoming task. Things had gone well and she was both relieved and sad to be going home. What would happen when they got back to D.C.?

She shifted in her seat to watch him sleep, his face relaxed and peaceful. Her mind drifted in and out of the events from the past week. She marveled at his attentiveness; it had been difficult to share her past. The death of her parents, her survival, and the guilt she felt for living when they did not. They simply talked about everything, getting it all out in the open. He shared her pain, held her when she cried, listened—even when she did not speak. He simply seemed to understand. He had been so tender and loving, sharing special memories with his sister and his loneliness as a child. He didn’t miss a single chance to shower her with the sweetest kisses. At times, she thought she had died and gone to heaven when he held her in his arms. He did not push her nor did he ask for anything in return. Not once did he complain about anything…not even his jaw; the dark purplish blue was now beginning to fade.

How on earth would she ever be able to thank him?

“I certainly hope you plan on more than a handshake,” Demi piped in.

“Oh, please Demi, do you think I am that stupid?”

“Well, you have been a bit of a slow learner where Brad is concerned,” Demi quipped back with a catty little grin. She rubbed her hands together gleefully in anticipation. “So what’s the plan?”

Alexandria pondered; how she would ever be able to thank Brad for all he had done for her. He had done far more than he could imagine, he helped her begin to heal. How do you thank someone for making you feel safe, for making it possible to begin again? Dinner, she thought.

“Oh, you have completely lost your mind, Alexandria.”

Alexandria tried to ignore Demi, but she wasn’t making it easy. Let’s see, there must be something special that he would like.

“OMG, you have got to be kidding me! I’m sure you can come up with something better than that.”

“Demi, will you shut up and let me think.”

“Do I need to get involved here?”

“No…for Heaven’s sake, will you go away! I’ll figure it out on my own.”

“Listen honey, I told you that you were a slow learner where Brad is concerned…so let me be blunt. There’s only one thing that man wants and that is you! So it’s time to get over it. Quit playing shy, or naïve, or whatever you want to call it and give him what he wants.”

“Oh good God, no. I am not giving myself to him to say thank you.”

Demi stood there shaking her head. “What am I going to do with you? Yes, he wants your body but he wants your heart first so for heaven’s sake don’t be a fool, give it to him and everything else will follow.”

Alexandria arched her eyebrow as she sought answers in his handsome face. She thought long and hard about what her inner goddess suggested. Was she really falling for him? Did he truly want her? There was so much ugliness and too many faults to work through; why on earth would he want her? She had never been in this position before, how in the heck was she to know the right answer? If she were truly in love with Brad, wouldn’t her heart be pounding…threatening to burst out of her chest?

“Oh, please. Honey, it’s time for a lesson in Love 101. What you just described…the heart pounding, skirt-raising feeling is not love…it’s lust, and it never lasts.”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me, I know. Now, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth!”

“Fine, go ahead.”

“If Brad were trapped in a burning building, what would you do?”

“I would go in after him.”

“What if you wouldn’t be able to get out once you went in?”

“I would rather die with him than live without him.”

“Why?”

“I need him.”

“Again, I’m going to ask…why?”

“I’m not whole without him.”

“Then girl…you have your answer.”

Alexandria sat dumbfounded. Had she really fallen in love with Brad? How…when? Oh, never mind, she knew how and she knew when—when he didn’t run, when he didn’t walk away from her dark secret. It was over for her. She had lost. A glimmer of a smile tugged at her lips…perhaps—perhaps she had won. What was she going to do now?

She was not sure she was ready for everything that might, no…would certainly follow falling in love. Brad was so much more experienced than she was; she wouldn’t know what to do.

Panic began to seep into her thoughts…what if she disappointed him? She checked the time—4:46 PM. She had about fifteen minutes before they started their descent. Not enough time to get on the Internet, but there was time to send Dr. Williams an email. Did she dare? She grabbed her tablet and started typing.

From:
Alexandria Saunders

Sent:
Friday, May 31, 2013 4:48 PM

To:
Laura Williams, M.D., F.A.C.O.G.

Subject:
Appointment Needed

Dr. Williams —

I need to see you early next week; would you be able to work me in? Whatever day and time will be fine.

Thanks,

Alexis

Alexandria Saunders

Senior Attorney

Advanced Aeronautical Surveillance, Inc. (AAS)

Anxiety overwhelmed her. She needed to breathe and calm down before she woke him. She knew a few things; she was healthy and on birth control and Brad had made it perfectly clear he was in excellent health. Combined, both things were positive. She took a deep breath; she understood how lovemaking worked logically. The vibration from her blackberry drew her attention.