Torn (12 page)

Not knowing what to say, I deliberately walked over and sat beside him on the bed. My stomach was a sudden flurry of want and need and I couldn’t get close enough. Despite all that I’d just heard, for the first time in a long time, I felt free. I felt free of the thoughts and visions that had been controlling and clouding my head. I felt free of the what-ifs and uncertainty. All that was certain was that Ethan and I were in that room, alone. I wanted nothing more than to touch him again. Nothing more than to have him touch me again. Thoughts of his lips and his hands filled my mind. Our eyes finally met and I knew I was in trouble. And I smiled at the thought.

“So your father was an Exiled and his brother is Lucas’ father?”

As I said this, I inched closer to him. I laid my hand on his leg and the temperature rose a few degrees above unbearable. He slowly traced his fingers across my hand and I gripped his jeans so hard my knuckles paled to white.

“Yeah.
Dysfunctional, right?
My mother, Emily, wanted more for me so she brought me to Jack, my uncle. It would be the last thing she did. My father killed her. I don’t know who he is and I’ve never asked. I don’t want to know.”

CHAPTER 10

The next morning, Ethan said we needed to have a serious discussion. I dropped my gaze to the floor and focused on a dust bunny that had, apparently, been procreating.

“Listen, Sam. Lucas and I think I should begin telepathy training with you. We know you can do it, or at least accept the thoughts of others because you hear voices all the time now. You and I are going to do a little experiment here. I am going to think of something and I want you to tell me if you can hear me.”

“Okay,” I said. After all the voices, Lucas’ wings, and learning my father was an angel, nothing seemed crazy or far-fetched. “What do I do?”

“Just sit there and try to hear me.”

“Okay.”

“Ready?”

“Ready.” At least I thought I was ready. I sat and waited. I didn’t hear anything. I closed my eyes tightly and folded my hands together. After a minute or two I opened one eye and looked at him. “Did you say something?”

Ethan smiled. “Did you hear something?”

“No.” Frustrated, I rubbed my palms over my thighs.

“Hmm.”

“What’d you say?” I asked.

“Grapefruit.”

“Grapefruit?”

“Yeah, grapefruit.”

“Why grapefruit?
You couldn’t think of anything better?”

Playfully shoving my arm, Ethan said, “You try then, if you’re so smart.”

I looked at him and tried to think of something to say, something much
more clever
than
grapefruit
. Thoughts sprinted through my brain, each one passing the baton to the next, until I was dizzy.

“Don’t try so hard to think of something to say. Just think of something and I’ll hear it. And yes, my eyes
are
an amazing shade of blue.”

Mortified, my stomach knotted. “You heard that?” I gasped. “Wait! Can you always hear everything I am thinking? Like, everything?”

Then he laughed the old booming-Ethan laugh. “Yeah, sure I can! But I don’t. I only listen when I think I need to.” As he said this, his hand reached up to brush my cheek.

You are so beautiful
.

I felt myself flush and my breath hitched but I couldn’t move.

“You heard that?”

“Yes,” I barely managed to squeak out. I suddenly wanted him to touch me more. All the emotions I felt for Ethan, but refused to acknowledge, bounded forward in that moment. My constant struggle became a seemingly distant memory. My vision hazed and the room felt like it was spinning. I knew he felt the same thing because he shifted to face me and placed both hands on my face as though to steady me. His thumb caressed my lips but he hesitated before leaning in.

The last bit of my rationality stuttered in the back of my mind but the rest of my body wasn’t listening.

He was having difficulty crossing the imaginary line, too. “Samantha, we shouldn’t...” His protest came out weak and unconvincing.

It was like I didn’t hear him. My lips softly brushed his and the spark that had always been between us intensified.
More
.
The kiss lasted only a second but I could feel the tingle remain long after we separated. In an instant, I knew all the pining I’d ever done over Ethan was real.
Uncomfortable but real.
I knew we had some sort of chemistry but I didn’t know we’d have this need for each other. And now that I knew for certain he felt something more for me as well, it all became, I don’t know, easier. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around all of it. I quickly stood and looked at Ethan with a mixture of both confusion and excitement.

Holy Jesus.
I am in trouble.

A shy smile spread to his eyes. “So Sam, you feel it, too?”

My voice deserted me and all I could do was nod slowly.

Ethan stared at the floor. “We aren’t supposed to, you know? You and I aren’t supposed to be together. You and Lucas have always been comfortable around each other, like brother and sister. Sometimes I even thought there might be more to it. Because of the fact that you and I have darkness in our past, we aren’t supposed to be together. So I’ve fought it and avoided you. I’ve tried to distance myself from you but I can’t do that anymore. It’s too hard. I’m supposed to be stronger than this but I just want to be with you.” He was avoiding eye contact. “You’re so amazing.
And...well
, there are other reasons, too.”

I still didn’t speak. I wanted to say something to ease his anxiety but nothing came out. Defeat clouded his eyes and I was afraid to touch him, though I couldn’t quite pinpoint why.

“You should go, Sam. Just forget we kissed. It never happened, okay?”

I stepped in front of him, taking his hands in mine. He flinched. The reaction was so slight, almost imperceptible. My head was suddenly filled with visions of both hope and despair but I wouldn’t let go of his hands, no matter what filled my head.

I pulled him up from the bed so he was standing in front of me. Our eyes locked. I could see what he was thinking. I could see everything. His sadness and restraint were so unbearable but still I held tight. Our mouths were barely an inch apart. I slowly reached up, slipping my hand into the hair at the back of his head and pulled him in slightly. He didn’t resist. Our lips met again and it was like a thousand lights switched on. Every nerve in my body danced. Every cell in my brain was firing. He kissed me back and I lost all control.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in closer. The want became need and I couldn’t get enough. I yanked off his shirt and ran my hands down his back, feeling the muscles tighten. The need became hunger, our hands furious as we touched. I grabbed at his belt. This was moving way too quickly but I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, stop.

Not here
.

We no longer needed to speak to communicate. Our thoughts raced back and forth and we heard what the other is thinking.

I want this.

I was lifted off the floor, our lips locked in frantic exploration.

I know. I want this, too.

I felt weightless in his arms as he carried me down the hall into my bedroom.

We shouldn’t.

I know.

He folded me into my bed, my head propped up on the pillow, his body on mine.

I want to.

I know.

Lucas can’t know.

He won’t.

My hands gripped the sheets as his tongue caressed my neck, slowly unbuttoning my shirt, my jeans.
Too slow.
I needed him. In frenzy, I pulled his face to mine and push myself into his thoughts.

Ethan...

I know.

His eyes drifted open. He looked at me. His eyes widened as his face filled with shock. He jumped back. “What the...Samantha!”

“What? What is it?”

“Your eyes!”

“What? What about my eyes? What’re you talking about?”

“They’re not blue anymore. They’re black.”

That was the last thing I remember before reality hazed away.

CHAPTER 11

My eyes flashed open. I was lying in my bed wearing only a pink tank top and matching boy shorts, but I didn’t remember putting them on. As a matter of fact, I didn’t really remember going to bed, but my clock and the sunlight streaming in my window declared it was now morning. What the hell happened last night?

I suddenly felt the ghosts of Ethan’s hands on me and I blushed, both from embarrassment and an instant need to see him. I smiled and curled myself under the covers, remembering. My body responded to the memories with a renewed fire in my belly, an insatiable need to feel him again.
For him to feel me.
Everything about me was different.
Electrified and alive.
With this renewed energy I got out of bed and changed my clothes.

I pulled my hair back, ready for my morning training when a single memory popped into my head. I stepped in front of the mirror.

My eyes still
black,
I backed away from the shadow that materialized over my reflection. Why did I feel like I’d done something wrong? Why did I feel like I just stabbed my best friend in the back? What did I do?

I sank to the floor, shaking. What was I thinking? It was then I realized it. For the first time in a long time I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t consciously think about what I was doing. And it felt amazing to be rid of all the answerless questions that I’d been carrying around. All I remembered was the need I felt. That need turned to greed and I took selfishly.

Oh my God
. Did I make a huge mistake? No. No I didn’t. My hands began shaking uncontrollably.
What was happening to me
?
The pain in my heart was almost unbearable and I had difficulty breathing. My iPod in hand, I ran downstairs and out of the cabin. I needed to clear my head.

Running through the woods usually helped me put things into perspective, especially when it wasn’t a training run. No focus
needed,
no anticipation or anxiety necessary. Early morning runs made room for me to think. The way dewdrops dangled from the leaves and grass and reflected the waning moon mingled with the rising sun always calmed me.

But not then.
Nature rejected me. I felt the branches of the trees retreat as I raced past, not wanting to touch me. The sun clouded over and refused to shine. My body struggled to find the rhythm of the usual crunch-crunch of my stride as I raced over fallen leaves. I attempted to organize my thoughts but I only became more confused than ever. How could I have been so selfish? I ran faster. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d taken something from Ethan. My body tensed. I felt like I was controlling him though I knew that wasn’t possible. My hands balled into fists as I pumped my legs faster.

He’d verbalized how he felt. And I’d just stood there staring at him like a mute before I was able to move. I still couldn’t believe what happened. I couldn’t regret it, though. My head and heart tried to force my body into shame but I just couldn’t feel sorry for what happened. Maybe it was supposed to be this way. Maybe I was supposed to be with Ethan. All this time I’d wanted to take the next step but I’d thought there was no chance. That there was no way he could possibly return my feelings.

After an hour in the woods,
the sun still hid from me. The woods, usually teeming with morning wildlife was eerily quiet except for the low reverberating hum that began to fill my head. I couldn’t shake out the uncomfortable skin-crawling numbness that had taken over, like a million ants were swarming over me. The air suddenly spun around me as a furious anger erupted from within me. Trees bent away and rain fell from the sky. Tears streamed down my face.

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there, in the middle of the woods, but I was no closer to deciding what to do than when I left the house. Calm had long since washed over me so I decided to return.

Roller coaster emotions had become the norm for me. The only time I’d felt sure and in control over the last few months was the night before when I was with Ethan. It was like he woke me up. Or at least that’s how it felt that night. I’d felt trapped in the dark and he woke me up, but I was unsure if that feeling would last. There was only one way to find out if this wasn’t some broken hallelujah. I had to talk to him. I turned up the music and tuned everything else out.

***

The cabin was still dark and quiet when I crept in. I walked to the kitchen to make myself a bowl of cereal and jumped in surprise. Lucas was sitting at the table drinking coffee.
In the dark.
Alone.

My heart sank. He knew.

“Morning, Sam.”

Okay. I reminded myself to stay calm, maybe he didn’t know about Ethan and me. We might’ve been just friends but who would want their best friend kissing their brother?
Act natural.
I tentatively replied.
“Morning.
Whatcha doing sitting in the dark?”

He took a casual sip while keeping focus on nothing in particular. It was creepy. “Eh, just too lazy to turn on the lights, I guess. Did Ethan run with you?”

Still unsure, I poured a bowl of Cheerios and sat down at the table with him. I could barely see his face in the darkness. He was hidden in the shadows. If I could just see his eyes, I’d know if he knew. “No. No, I ran by myself.”

Sighing, his tone became authoritative. “You know you shouldn’t do that. You should have one of us with you.
Especially in light of what’s been happening.”

I
paused
mid-bite and said, “I know. You’re right. I won’t do it again.”

He leaned forward and I could finally see his eyes. “You okay?”

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. With a nervous chuckle, I answered, “Yeah. Why?”