Too Many Cooks (15 page)

He finished. The nurse helped him gather up paraphernalia and debris, including bloody towels. She offered to help Wolfe change the soiled pajama top for a fresh one, but he refused. I got out the expense roll, but the doctor said it would be put on the bill, and then walked around to the other side of the bed to get a front view of Wolfe's face and give him some parting admonitions.

I accompanied them as far as the main hall to tell the greenjacket there that no visitors of any description would be desired in Suite 60. Back in Wolfe's room, the patient was still lying on his right side with his eyes closed.

I went to the phone. 'Hello, operator'Listen. The doctor says Mr. Wolfe must have rest and quiet. Will you please announce to the switchboard that this phone is not to ring'I don't care who-'

'Archie! Cancel that.'

I told the mouthpiece, 'Wait a minute.-Yes, sir?'

Wolfe hadn't moved, but he spoke again. 'Cancel that order about the phone.'

'But you-'

'Cancel it.'

I told the operator to return to the status quo ante, and hung up, and approached the patient. 'Excuse me. I wouldn't butt in on your personal affairs for anything. If you want that phone bell jangling-'

'I don't want it.' He opened his eyes. 'But we can't do anything if we're incommunicado. Did you say the bullet went through my speech'Let me see it, please.'

His tone was such that I got the script from the bureau and handed it to him without demur. Frowning, he fingered it, and as he saw the extent of the damage the frown deepened. He handed it back. 'I suppose you can decipher it. What did you throw it for?'

'Because I had it in my hand. If it hadn't deflected the bullet you might have got it for good-or it might have missed you entirely, I admit that. Depending on how good a shot he is.'

'I suppose so. That man's a dolt. I had washed my hands of it. He stood an excellent chance of avoiding exposure, and now he's done for. We'll get him.'

'Oh. We will.'

'Certainly. I have plenty of forbearance, God knows, but I'm not a complacent target for firearms. While I was being bandaged I considered probabilities, and we have little time to act. Hand me that mirror. I suppose I'm a spectacle.'

'You're pretty well decorated.' I passed the mirror to him, and he studied his reflection with his lips compressed. 'About getting this bird, I'm for it, but from the way you look and what the doctor said-'

'It can't be helped. Close the windows and draw the shades.'

'It'll be gloomy. I told the cop to put a guard outside-'

'Do as I say, please. I don't trust guards. Besides, I would be constantly glancing at the window, and I don't want my mental processes interrupted.-No, clear to the bottom, there'll be plenty of light. That's better. The others too.-Good. Now bring me underwear, a clean shirt, the dressing gown from the closet& '

'You've got to stay in bed.'

'Nonsense. There's more blood in the head lying down than sitting up. If people come here I can't very well make myself presentable, with the gibbosity of this confounded bandage, but at least I needn't give offense to decency. Get the underwear.'

I collected garments while he manipulated his mass, first to a sitting position on the edge of the bed, and then onto his feet, using grunts for punctuation. He frowned in distaste at the bloody pajama top when he got it off, and I brought towels, wet and dry. As the operations progressed he instructed me as to details of the program:

'All we can do is try our luck on the possibilities until we find a fact that will allow only one interpretation. I detest alternatives, and at present that is all we have. Do you know how to black a man up with burnt cork?-Well, you can try. Get some corks-I suppose we can use matches-and get a Kanawha Spa livery, medium size, including cap. But first of all, New York on the telephone.-No, not those socks, black ones, I may not feel like changing again before dinner. We'll have to find time to finish that speech.-I presume you know the numbers of Saul Panzer and Inspector Cramer. But if we should get our fact from there, it would be undesirable to run the risk of that blackguard learning we had asked for it. We must prevent that& '

MY FRIEND ODELL STOOD beside a lobby pillar with an enormous leaf of a palm spread over his head, looking at me with a doubtful glint in his eye that I didn't deserve.

I said, 'Nor am I trying to negotiate a hot date, nor am I engaged in snooping. I've told you straight, I merely want to make sure that a private phone call is private. It's not suspicion, it's just precaution. As for your having to consult the manager, what the hell kind of a house dick are you if you haven't even got the run of your own corral'You come along and stay with me, and if I start anything you don't like you can throw stones at me. Which reminds me, this Kanawha Spa seems to be pretty hard on guests. If you don't get hit with a rock you get plugged with a bullet. Huh?'

Without erasing the doubt, he made to move. 'Okay. The next time I tell a man a joke it'll be the one about Pat and Mike. Come on, Rollo.'

He led me through the lobby, down past the elevators, and along a ways to a narrow side corridor. It had doors with frosted glass panels, and he opened one on the right side and motioned me in. It was a small room, and all its furniture consisted of a switchboard running its entire length, perhaps fifteen feet, six maidens in a row with their backs to us, and the straight-backed chairs which the maidens inhabited. Odell went to the one at the end and conversed a moment, and then thumbed me over to the third in the line. From the back her neck looked a little scrawny, but when she turned to us she had smooth white skin and promising blue eyes. Odell said something to her, and she nodded, and I told her:

'I've just thought up a new way to make a phone call. Mr. Wolfe in Suite 60, Upshur Pavilion, wants to put in a call to New York and I'm going to stay and watch you do it.'

'Suite 60'That's the man that was shot.'

'Yep.'

'And it was you that told me I'm a wonder.'

'Yep. In a way I came to check up. If you'll just get-'

'Excuse me.' She turned and talked and listened, and monkeyed with some plugs. When she was through I said:

'Get New York, Liberty 2-3306, and put it on Suite 60.'

She grinned. 'Personally conducted phone calls, huh?'

'Right. I haven't had so much fun in ages.'

She got busy. I became aware of activity at my elbow, and saw that Odell had got out a notebook and pencil and was writing something down. I craned the neck for a glimpse of his scrawl, and then told him pleasantly, 'I like a man that knows his job the way you do. To save you the trouble of listening for the next one, it's going to be Spring 7-3100. New York Police Headquarters.'

'Much obliged. What's he doing, yelling for help because he got a little scratch on the face?'

I made a fitting reply with my mind elsewhere, because I was watching operations. The board was an old style, and it was easy to tell if she was listening in. Her hands were all over the place, pushing and dropping plugs, and it was only five minutes or so before I heard her say, 'Mr. Wolfe'Ready with New York. Go ahead, please.' She flashed me a grin. 'Who was I supposed to tell about it'Mr. Odell here?'

I grinned back. 'Don't you bother your little head about it. Be good, dear child-'

'And let who will wear diamonds. I know. Have you heard the one-excuse me.'

Odell stayed with me till the end. He had a long wait, for Wolfe's talk with Saul Panzer lasted a good quarter of an hour, and the second one, with Inspector Cramer-provided he got Cramer-almost as long. When it was finished and the plugs had been pulled, I thought it was only sociable to ask the maiden whether she preferred oblong diamonds or round ones, and she replied that she would much rather have a copy of the Bible because most of hers were getting worn out, she read them so much. I made a feint to pat her on the head and she ducked and Odell plucked me by the sleeve.

I left him in the lobby with thanks and an assurance that I hadn't forgotten his aspirations to the Hotel Churchill, regarding which Mr. Wolfe would sound out Mr. Liggett at the first opportunity.

A minute later I had an opportunity myself, but was too busy to take advantage of it. Going away from the main entrance in the direction of my next errand took me past the mounting block, and there was a bunch of horses around, some mounted and some not, with greenjacket grooms. I like the look of horses at a distance of ten feet or more, and I slowed down as I went by. It was there I saw Liggett, with the right clothes on which I suppose he had borrowed, dismounting from a big bay. Another reason I slowed down was because I thought I might see another guest get stepped on, but it didn't happen so. Not that I have anything against guests as guests; it's only my natural feeling about people who pay twenty bucks a day for a room to sleep in, and they always look either too damn sleek or as if they had been born with a bellyache. I know if I was a horse&

But I had errands. Wolfe had already been alone in that room for over half an hour, and although I had left strict orders with the greenjacket to admit no one to Suite 60 under any pretext, and the door- was locked, I didn't care much for the setup. So I got along to Pocahontas Pavilion in quick time. I met Lisette Putti and Vallenko, with tennis rackets, near the entrance, and Mamma Mondor was on the veranda knitting. On the driveway a state cop and a plug-ugly in cits sat in a car smoking cigarettes. Inside both parlors were empty, but there was plenty going on in the kitchen-cooks and helpers, greenjackets, masters, darting around looking concentrated. Apparently another free-for-all lunch was in preparation, not to mention the dinner for that evening, which was to illustrate the subject of Wolfe's speech by consisting of dishes that had originated in America. That, of course, was to be concocted under the direction of Louis Servan, and he was there in white cap and apron, moving around feeling, looking, smelling, tasting, and instructing. I allowed myself a grin at the sight of Albert Malfi the Corsican fruit slicer, also capped and aproned, trotting at Servan's heels, before I went across to accost the dean, just missing a collision with Domenico Rossi as he bounced away from a range.

Servan's dignified old face clouded over when he saw me. 'Ah, Mr. Goodwin! I've just heard of that terrible& to Mr. Wolfe. Mr. Ashley phoned from the hotel. That a guest of mine-our guest of honor-terrible! I'll call on him as soon as I can manage to leave here. It's not serious'He can be with us?'

I reassured him, and two or three others trotted up, and I accepted their sympathy for my boss and told them it would be just as well not to pay any calls for a few hours. Then I told Servan I hated to interrupt a busy man but needed a few words with him, and he went with me to the small parlor. After some conversation he called in Moulton, the headwaiter with a piece out of his ear, and gave him instructions.

When Moulton had departed Servan hesitated before he said, 'I wanted to see Mr. Wolfe anyway. Mr. Ashley tells me that he got a startling story from two of my waiters. I can understand their reluctance& but I can't have& my friend Laszio murdered here in my own dining room& ' He passed his hand wearily across his forehead. 'This should have been such a happiness& I'm over seventy years old, Mr. Goodwin, and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me& and I must get back to the kitchen& Crabtree's a good man, but he's flighty and I don't trust him with all that commotion in there& '

'Forget it.' I patted his arm. 'I mean forget the murder. Let Nero Wolfe do the worrying, I always do. Did you elect your four new members this morning?'

'Yes. Why?'

'I was just curious about Malfi. Did he get in?'

'Malfi'In Les Quinze Maitres'Good heavens, no!'

'Okay. I was just curious. You go on back to the kitchen and enjoy yourself. I'll give Wolfe your message about lunch.'

He nodded and pattered away. I had then been gone from Upshur more than an hour, and I hotfooted it back by the shortest path.

Going in after the outdoor sunshine, Wolfe's room seemed somber, but the maid had been in and the bed was made and everything tidy. He had the big chair turned to face the windows, and sat there with his speech in his hand, frowning at the last page. I had sung out from the foyer to let him know all was well, and now approached to take a look at the bandage. It seemed in order, and there was no sign of any fresh bleeding.

I reported: 'Everything's set. Servan turned the details over to Moulton. They all send their best regards and wish you were along. Servan's going to send a couple of trays of lunch over to us. It's a grand day outdoors, too bad you're cooped up like this. Our client has taken advantage of it by going horseback riding.'

'We have no client.'

'I was referring to Mr. Liggett. I still think that since he offered to pay for a job of detective work you might as well give him that pleasure. Not to mention hiring Berin for him. Did you get Saul and Cramer?'

'Weren't you at the switchboard?'

'Yes, but I didn't know who you got.'

'I got them. That alternative is being cared for.' He sighed. 'This thing hurts. What are they cooking for lunch?'

'Lord, I don't know. Five or six of them are messing around. Certainly it hurts, and you won't collect a damn cent for it.' I sat down and rested my head against the back of the chair because I was tired of holding it up. 'Not only that, it seems to have made you more contrary even than usual, it and the loss of sleep. I know you sneer at what you call routine, but I've seen you get results from it now and then, and no matter how much of a genius you are it wouldn't do any harm to find out what various people were doing at a quarter past ten this morning. For instance, if you found that Leon Blanc was in the kitchen making soup, he couldn't very well have been out there in the shrubbery shooting at you. I'm just explaining how it's done.'

'Thank you.'

'Thank me, and go on being contrary, huh?'

'I'm not contrary, merely intelligent. I've often told you, a search for negative evidence is a desperate last resort when no positive evidence can be found. Collecting and checking alibis is dreary and usually futile drudgery. No. Get your positive evidence, and if you find it confronted by an alibi, and if your evidence is any good, break the alibi. Anyhow, I'm not interested in the man who shot me. The man I want is the one who stabbed Laszio.'

I stared. 'What's this, a riddle'You yourself said it was the same one.'

'Certainly. But since it was his murdering Laszio that led to his shooting me, obviously it's the murder we must prove. Unless we can prove he killed Laszio, how can we give him a motive for trying to kill me'And if you can't demonstrate a motive, what the devil does it matter where he was at a quarter past ten'The only thing that will do us any good is direct evidence that he committed the murder.'

'Oh, well.' I waved a hand, feebly. 'If that's all. Naturally you've got that.'

'I have. It is being tested.'

'I'll call. What evidence and who?'

He started to shake his head, and winced and stopped. 'It is being tested. I don't pretend that the evidence is conclusive, far from it. We must await the test. It is so little conclusive that I have arranged for this performance with Mr. Blanc because we are pressed for time and no alternative can be ignored. And after all it is quite possible-though I shouldn't think he would have a gun-There's someone at the door.'

The performance with Blanc was elaborate but a complete wash-out. Its only advantage was that it kept me occupied and awake until lunch time. I wasn't surprised at the result, and I don't think Wolfe was either; he was just being thorough and not neglecting anything.

The first arrivals were Moulton and Paul Whipple, and they had the props with them. I took them into Wolfe for an explanation of the project, and then deposited them in my room and shut the door on them. A few minutes later Leon Blanc came.

The chef and the gastronome had quite a chat. Blanc was of course distressed at Wolfe's injury and said so at length. Then they got on to the business. Blanc had come, he said, at Servan's request, and would answer any questions Mr. Wolfe might care to ask. That was an order for anybody, but Blanc filled it pretty well, including the pointed and insistent queries regarding the extent of his acquaintanceship with Mrs. Laszio. Blanc stuck to it that he had known her rather well when she had been Mrs. Vukcic and he had been chef de cuisine at the Churchill, but that in the past five years, since he had gone to Boston, he had seen her only two or three times, and they had never been at all intimate. Then Wolfe got onto Tuesday night and the period Blanc had spent in his room at Pocahontas Pavilion, while the others were tasting Sauce Printemps and someone was stabbing Laszio. I heard most of it from a distance because I was in the bathroom, with the door open a crack, experimenting with the burnt cork on the back of my hand. Servan had sent an alcohol burner and enough corks for a minstrel show.

Blanc balked a little when Wolfe got to the suggestion of the masquerade test, but not very strenuously, and I opened the bathroom door and invited him in. We had a picnic. With him stripped to his underwear, I first rubbed in a layer of cold cream and then started with the cork. I suppose I didn't do it like an expert, since I wasn't one, but by gosh I got him black. The ears and the edge of the hair were a problem, and he claimed I got some in his eye, but it was only because he blinked too hard. Then he put on the suit of livery, including the cap, and it wasn't a bad job at all, except that Moulton hadn't been able to dig up any black gloves, and we had to use dark brown ones.

I took him in to Wolfe for approval, and telephoned Pocahontas Pavilion and got Mrs. Coyne and told her we were ready.

In five minutes she was there. I stepped into the corridor to give her a brief explanation of the program, explaining that she wasn't to open her mouth if she wanted to help Wolfe keep her out of it, and then, admitting her to the foyer and leaving her there, I went back in to pose Blanc. He had got pretty well irritated before I had finished with him in the bathroom, but now Wolfe had him all soothed down again. I stood him over beyond the foot of the bed, at what looked like the right distance, pulled his cap lower, had him put his finger to his lips, and told him to hold it. Then I went to the door to the foyer and opened it six inches.