Tomorrow Will Be Too Late (14 page)

‘I sent it to the lab, a standard procedure
.
’
He
spoke slowly, as if he
were
talking to a child, wanting to be understood. ‘I got the results back today
,
and I think you need to come and discuss them as soon as possible. They aren’t good,
Kate
, I
’
m afraid to say.’

‘How bad are they?’ H
er lips felt stiff, as if she drank a huge glass of icy cold water, the numbness spreading slowly over her whole body.

‘
You
seem to have a very rare type of cancer, Kate
.’ D
ropping all the veiled talk, he became very brisk and efficient, as if trying to make her see how serious it really was. ‘
We
need to sit down and talk about the options as soon as possible.’

‘
It’s
Sunday
,
’ she said, her stupefied voice sounding ridiculous even to her own ears. Why was he calling her on Sunday?

‘I know, Kate
.’ H
is patient tone infuriated her to the point of wanting to
yell
that
she wasn’t some nutcase he had to tiptoe around. She knew she was being unreasonable and unfair, but anything at all was better than listening to his voice that was soaked with pity, however hard he tried to sound purely professional. It must have been something really bad if he felt the need
to sound
like her camp
coun
se
lor
, she thought miserably, making a huge effort to pull herself together before she answered.

‘Can I come
in
tomorrow morning?’ T
hat was the best option, she thought as she waited for his answer. By then she would keep it together, ready to take on whatever obstacle her treacherous body might have put in her way. She needed a few hours to regroup and revive her fighting spirit.

‘That’s exactly what I would have suggested
.
’ Doctor Merkle sounded pleased, even relieved. Maybe he expected her to start crying or yelling, Kate thought, a weird sense of detachment taking over and putting her on autopilot.

The same sense of surreal
ism
had
lasted for the rest of her stay
at the rehearsal
, the wedding preparations and her role in them blending into one colorful streak of events her dazed brain barely managed to register. She had caught herself more than once
feeling almost absent, as if she were nothing more
than
a spectator watching another woman going
about
her day and commitment
s
, a
woman who managed to smile and laugh at all the right
times
and who walked around with a man who turned
the
heads of most women present at the event. A man who glanced at her more than once, his sharp gaze lingering on her carefully smoothed out features.

She
had
worried he would want to come in as he dropped her off at her place, his reluctant hand lingering longer than necessary on the small of her back. They stood at the door, the
early evening
sun heating up the
flowerbeds
and stirring up a myriad of intoxicating scents.
B
utterflies and bees
were
everywhere, their
early spring
sluggishness replaced
with a frantic activity around the heads of tulips, daffodils and hellebores, growing abundantly in the front gardens.

‘I’d like for us to have dinner sometime soon
.’ H
is voice broke through her unhappy thoughts
,
and she looked up, only to notice his gaze
,
pensive and speculative.

‘
Sure
, anytime
,
’
she
answered absentmindedly, too preoccupied with her own dark clouds to notice how alien her docile agreement must have sounded. He surely expected her to fight him, or at least make it difficult, given their previous exchanges. She saw his eyebrows go up in surprise and instantly regretted her slip.

‘H
ow about tomorrow night then?’ H
e wasn’t wasting any time, was he? Or was he testing how far
he
could go before her fighting spirit finally kicked in?

‘I’m not sure…’ S
he let her voice trail off indecisively, imagining her state of mind after the visit with the doctor. Maybe she would be too miserable to see anyone,
let
alone ready to play a verbal match with a man who considered her barely more than a slut.

‘Tell you what, we can play it
by ear
.
I’ll call you and we can figure something out.’

If she
hadn’t known
any better, she’d
have thought
he was concerned about her, Kate thought
sarcastically
, instantly dismissing the outlandish idea. All he was concerned
about
was her playing along and making it easy for him
;
any hopes he might actually care for her feelings
were
absurd.

So
,
they
had
parted like that, his steps hesitant as he walked back to his car. He turned back to say something, she noticed from the corner of her eye as she was already fishing for her key, eager to escape to the sanctuary of her four walls. Whatever it was, he must have decided against it, because he shrugged and walked on, her sense of relief tinged with only the tiniest tweak of regret she wouldn’t know what it was.

The night hours dragged mercilessly, doing little to calm her already strained nerves. She tried to go to sleep, naively hoping it would make the night pass faster. Taking a shower proved more difficult than she would have ever expected, her hands and eyes carefully avoiding the little scar, already barely visible under the smooth tanned skin of her torso. Was it possible something really lurked inside
of
her? Something dangerous and unpredictable, akin
to
a strange animal ready to attack her when she expected it least? She didn’t feel any different, she thought wretchedly, as she blotted the moisture off her skin with one of the beautiful Egyptian cotton towels she had purchased upon her return home. Their delicate, robin
’s-
egg blue
color
had
proved irresistible as she gave into the excitement of organizing her home again. It was so much fun to plan for her future, she thought now, her teeth chattering uncontrollably as hysteria finally took over.
She had
walls she wanted to repaint, faux panels she planned to install, plants waiting to be transplanted…
she had
a whole life to be lived, brilliant and beautiful, her two
-
year exile
Down Under over.

And then there was Justin
, stepping
back into her life with an ease that made it almost impossible to dismiss the fact
that
fate was something not to be kidding
with
. She had thought about him often enough, wondering and dreading the
idea
of ever seeing him again. And yet, deep down, after all the layers of self denial and pretense were stripped, she had to admit that meeting him again was something she wouldn’t have given up for anything. He hated her, of course. How could he not? Maybe she was a masochistic person after all
.
Still, the memory of his eyes watching her warmly in the semidarkness of the pub two years
before
was something that lingered in the deepest core of her heart, no matter how hard she tried to forget it. The touch of his lips, demanding and yet soft, still brought blood to her cheeks, the dreams that followed not something she was ready to
acknowledge
, even to herself.

She wouldn’t think about him now, she decided as she finally managed to put on her p
a
j
amas
, her hands shaking so hard it took three attempts to button up the
short-sleeved
top. She couldn’t
. All
the wild hopes and even more insane plans she
had
spun last night after their conversation had to be buried,
her life shifted to a totally new dimension.

Still, he followed her into the fitful half
-
sleep that finally caught up with her in
the
early morning hours. The cynical set of his firm mouth and the cool indifference of his sky
-
blue eyes were once again replaced with warmth and sensuous promise of the bliss he offered. His strong arms went around her again, pulling her to his rock
-
hard chest, his heartbeat steady and reassuring. The
y had
no ugly past to be discussed, no betrayal or schemes to be ashamed of. Only hope, promise and…

Waking up with a start, she was surprised to find her face wet with tears, her brain still too fuzzy to remember the events from yesterday. Justin’s face blotted it out,
like
her own personal sun and shield, protecting her for a blissful moment fr
om the misery of the real world.
She
couldn’t escape
it for long
.
It lasted mere seconds before reality set in, the happy picture fading like morning’s fog warmed by the first rays of the rising sun. Only hers wasn’t sun at all, she thought as she dressed hurriedly, her hands flying
to brush
her long hair. No
t even moon, the
darkness of the things to come making her think of a total eclipse.

She resisted the urge to call Alice and ask her to come with her.
She didn’t need
to add to
Alice’s
already overflowing list of worries, the fas
t
-
approaching wedding doing an excellent job itself. Once she knew exactly what to expect, she could ease her in gradually, saving the worst bits for later.

She would rather die than admit she was also worried that Alice would talk to her fiancé, which
would
lead inevitably to Justin. Who knew if Tom could keep a secret? Maybe men were not that different from women after all
.
The sheer idea of having Justin feel sorry for her and do something charitable to make her feel better was out of
the
question. He was a nice man, she knew it. Under all his anger and resentment was still
the
chivalrous, kind man who
had
wanted to save her from the unwanted advances of a drunk
en
stranger. What if he felt pity for her disease and treated her differently? She’d rather have him hate her and find her attractive, which she knew he still did. Pity and consoling were not something she was looking for from him, not now and not ever, however short the ever might turn out to be. Pictures of bald people, pale from chemo and wasted by the brutal regime of drugs floated through her mind, her lips clamping together to stop herself from whimpering. She would deal with it when she had to.
For
now, it was paramount to reach her doctor and get
the facts straight
a
s soon as possible and without any of the preliminary niceties doctors used to calm their patients.

Doctor Merkle seemed not to share her radical approach. She
could sense his
reluctance
as soon as
she set her foot inside his office, his fatherly concern grating along her nerve endings like a nail dragged against
the
surface of a mirror. She didn’t want his sympathy, she thought rebelliously as he ushered her into
the large comfy armchair, his warm fingers lingering on her tense arm. She was wearing red, the popping color at odds with how she felt inside. Because she felt drab, cold
,
and dark,
teetering
on the edge of some invisible black hole ready to suck her in at any moment. Her red dress was like
armor
, a charm of some kind,
an
atavistic part of her she didn’t even know she possessed prompting her to use it to dispel the demons waiting inside the office.

‘I wish I had some better news for you
.
’
Even
his voice sounded apologetic, as if it was his fault somehow that her body
had
decided to betray her. ‘
Are
you sure you shouldn’t have come with someone close to you, Kate? Someone to give you support?
I know your mother is away, dear, but there must be someone else you could bring?
’