To Love Anew (30 page)

“Ye did a fine thing. Especially goin’ off in the bush after him the way ye did.”

“Figure I’ll wait until there’s a road before I venture up that way again,” John said with a chuckle. He studied the brown liquid in his cup and then looked up at Perry. “Mr. Atherton gave me my freedom.”

“He what?”

“He applied to the Governor, and I’ve been pardoned. I’m free.”

Slack-jawed, Perry stared at John. “Free? Yer free?”

John nodded.

With a whoop, Perry leaped toward John. Ignoring his friend’s coffee, he dragged him off the step, hugged him, and then danced him around the yard.

John laughed and held his cup away from him. “All right. Enough. Enough. You’ve spilled my coffee.”

Perry slung an arm over John’s shoulders. “Blessed Mary and Joseph! Who cares ’bout yer coffee?” Grinning, he shook his head. “Ye deserve it. Ye never belonged in a gaol.” He squeezed John’s shoulders. “What will ye do now, eh?”

“Don’t know for certain. I can do most anything, I guess.” He looked at Hannah’s cottage. “First thing, I’m asking Hannah to marry me . . . again.”

“Fine idea.” Perry ran a hand through his hair, leaving some of it standing on end. He shook his head back and forth. “Free. Can’t believe it.” His voice had taken on a hint of longing.

John felt a flush of guilt. It didn’t seem right that someone like Perry was still a convict and he was free. “It won’t be long for you. You’ve only a few years left.”

“That’s right. And I work for one of the finest men in New South Wales. Not sure I’d want to leave even if I could.” He tipped his mouth sideways and raised his eyebrows. “But it would be grand to have a choice.”

John looked at Hannah’s cottage. “I think I’ll speak to Hannah. What do you think she’ll say?”

“She’d be a fool to turn ye down, that’s what
I
say.”

“She’s already done so.” John set his nearly empty coffee cup on the railing. “I’ve no reason to wait longer.” He glanced down at his coffee-stained shirt. “Better change first.”

John stood in front of Hannah’s door staring at it. He’d thought all night about what he ought to say. But he still wasn’t certain. How should he ask for her hand? What could he say different from what he’d already said? Somehow he must convince her that marrying him was the right thing to do. He knew she loved him.

Well, you’ll get nowhere standing here.
He smoothed back his hair and knocked.

The door opened and Lydia smiled out at him. White powder dusted her apron, and she looked like she’d put her mahogany-colored hair up in a hurry. “Good day, John. Yer up early.”

“The sun’s up. Figure I ought to be as well.”

Lydia looked out. “It’s barely light. Wouldn’t exactly say the sun’s up, it’s more like it’s just waking up.”

“I was hoping to speak with Hannah. Is she in?”

“That she is.” Lydia eyed him. “What’s on yer mind? There’s a glint in yer eyes.” She folded her arms over her chest.

John smiled. “Nothing. Just need to talk with her.” He looked past Lydia. “You said she’s here.”

“She’s dressing.” Lydia opened the door wider. “But ye can come in.”

John stepped inside. He stood in the center of the main room, feeling awkward and still trying to work out in his mind just what to say.

“I’ll tell her yer here.” Lydia disappeared into the bedroom. John moved to the window and gazed out. His heart hammered wildly. Dare he hope? He tried to concentrate on the distant fields. Already the summer heat had sucked most of the green from them. Golden grasslands shimmered beneath the first touch of morning sunlight.

He glanced at the bedroom door.
What will I tell her of my
plans? I don’t even know what they are.

The door opened. “John?” Hannah stepped out. “It’s a bit early to be calling. Is something wrong?”

“No. Nothing’s wrong. And sorry. I didn’t mean any inconvenience. I’ve been awake awhile and it didn’t feel early to me.” His thoughts were in a tangle. “Would you take a walk with me before the day heats up?”

“I’d like to but Mrs. Atherton’s expecting me.”

“We won’t go far.”

Hannah didn’t answer right away. “All right, then.” She turned to Lydia. “If I haven’t returned when you go to the house, please tell Mrs. Atherton I shan’t be long.”

John opened the door and stood aside while Hannah walked out. The sweet smell of lavender followed her. “I thought perhaps we could walk along the river. It’s a bit low this time of year, but it’s still agreeable and calming.”

“It is lovely there.” Hannah considered him thoughtfully. “Are you in need of calming?”

“No. Not at all.” John sucked in a breath, hoping she couldn’t see his nervousness.

He walked beside Hannah, fighting off the desire to take her arm. Although it would be proper, he feared she would see it otherwise.

They strolled along the river, talking about crops, the weather, and an upcoming social gathering the Athertons were hosting. The trees and plants hugging the riverbank were still lush and green.

“How lovely it is here.” Hannah looked up into the canopy of trees. She breathed deeply, her eyes closed. “Mmm. I love the smell here. There are so many different kinds of flowers.” Wearing a whimsical expression, she said, “One day I shall plant flowers about my home. That way when I’m sitting on my veranda I can enjoy their fragrance.”

“I rather like that idea.”

Hannah plucked a yellow blossom. She held it to her nose and then brushed the petals against her chin. Moving toward the river, she said, “It’s nice here—cooler.”

Birdsong interspersed with the squawks of magpies and cockatoos resonated all around them.

“I thought you’d still be in Port Jackson.”

“I rode back after the hearing. Henry was sentenced to fourteen years at Newcastle.”

“Newcastle? Isn’t it the most dreadful prison in New South Wales?”

“That’s what I hear.” John picked up a pebble and tossed it into the slow-moving river. “He tried to make it there on his own, now he’s getting a little help.”

“How do you feel about all that’s happened especially now that Henry’s received justice?”

“I don’t feel anything, really. The whole thing is rather depressing.” John tossed another pebble. It plunked into the water and ripples washed into widening circles. “I expected to feel pleased or relieved. But I keep seeing him, dismal and sickly. What a waste it all is—his life and mine.”

“Your life is not a waste. Not at all.”

“You’re right. It’s hard to change my thinking after so many months of believing I’d lost everything—all my father worked for, my life in London.”

“You have a life here now. And your father would be proud of you.”

“I believe he would be, yes. But I still feel badly about his life’s work being ruined.”

“It seems to me the work he cared about most is you. You are his life’s work.”

“Quite right.” John smiled. “When I was arrested and convicted, I lost hope in ever having anything good again. And now to my amazement things have turned out rather grand.”

Hannah leaned against a tree. “I understand. There’ve been incidents that have made me feel all was lost. But I’ve found peace here.” She grabbed hold of a low-hanging branch. “There are things I’d change of course if I could, but in truth I’ve received better than I deserve.”

The wounded look John had seen many times before touched Hannah’s eyes. It cut to his heart. If only he could lift away her sorrow. Bracing a hand against the tree trunk, John moved closer to Hannah and gazed into her dark eyes. Remembering the kiss they’d shared, he longed to take her into his arms again. Instead, he stepped back. “I’ve some news.”

“Something more than Henry’s sentencing? Pray tell, what is it?”

Tension building inside, John gazed at Hannah. “Mr. Atherton set me free.”

“What?”

“He’s set me free. I’m no longer a prisoner.”

Light in her eyes, Hannah gazed at him for a moment. “You’re truly free?”

John nodded and smiled. “I am.”

“How grand!” Throwing her arms about John, Hannah hugged him. “I’m so happy for you!”

He pulled Hannah closer. She pressed in against him, then her body went rigid and she stepped away.

Tugging at a dress cuff, she kept her eyes down. “I’m sorry. That was quite forward of me.” Looking at him, she added, “I was carried away with joy.” She smiled. “I’m so pleased for you. Have you made plans?”

“No. Not yet.”

Uncertainty touched Hannah’s brown eyes. “Now that you can, will you return to England?”

“No. As I said, there’s nothing for me there.” He glanced around. “And I rather like it here.”

She visibly relaxed. “I’m glad. I value your friendship. It would be dreadful to have to say good-bye to you.”

John nodded. He needed to ask her. He moved closer and took Hannah’s hands in his. “Now that I’m free I can work anywhere. I can own a home, have a family. . . .” Hannah’s creamy skin, her dark brown eyes, and the lips that liked to smile made him yearn for her. “I want you to share my life. Will you marry me?”

Hannah searched his face. Her eyes brimmed with tears. “I wish I could say yes. But I can’t. Especially not now. You’re free. I’m not. And I won’t hold you back. I couldn’t do that.”

She looked at their intertwined hands and disengaged hers. “There are things you don’t know about me, John. And I’m certain that if you did, you’d not want me for a wife.”

“Tell me what it is.” He cupped her face in his hands. “You’ve not given me a chance.”

Hannah pulled away and moved toward the riverbank. She gazed at the meandering water. It seemed so peaceful and quiet. She wanted to feel like that. Without looking up, she said, “I can’t tell you.” She turned and studied him. “I want you to know that I wish I could say yes. You’d make a fine husband.”

Frustration spread through John. What good was freedom if he couldn’t have what he wanted most? “I’ll stay here and work for Mr. Atherton, then. I’ll remain a prisoner until you’re free. I’m content with that, if only you’ll marry me. Freedom doesn’t matter if it means living without you.”

“I don’t want you to do that. Not for me.”

“I will do it. Right now.” John turned and walked toward the house, his steps determined.

Hannah watched him go. As he moved away, she caught a glimmer of the depth of his love. How could he give up so much for her? A Scripture her mother had read many times came flooding back.
“This is my commandment, that you love
one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than
this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”

“There is no greater love than this,” she whispered.
Oh, John,
I’m not worthy of such love.

She sat on the bank and watched the river as it flowed by, washing toward Sydney Cove and the ocean beyond. She remembered the days in the cottage with her mum. So often she’d talked of God’s love. She’d explained that he’d given all there was to give without asking for anything in return other than to accept his gift of love—his Son.

Truth seeped into Hannah’s spirit. There was nothing she could do to earn God’s love. Did that also mean there was nothing she could do to repulse his love? Even as ugly as she was, did God still love her? Were there no conditions except that one accept the Savior’s gift?

If receiving was all she need do, then she’d done that long ago. Like a sunburst, understanding and joy spread through her. God had never left her. His love had remained steadfast. It was she who had rejected him. The gift had always been hers.

Hannah’s eyes brimmed with tears.
No matter how soiled I
am, I’m still yours. How could I have been so blind?

John had been set free and was now willing to relinquish that freedom out of love. “If he’s willing to give up so much for me, I must give him my heart. I love him.” Hannah pushed up off the ground and hurried toward the house. She needed to tell him.

Hannah found John in the shop. Quietly closing the door, she stepped into the room. “John?”

He looked up from a tool he’d been sanding.

She moved toward him.
What shall I say? Lord, give me the
words.
When she was only a step away she gazed up at him, delighting in the devotion she saw in his eyes.

“No one has loved me so deeply, except my parents.” She smiled. “And my heavenly Father.

“I don’t deserve your love, but I’m grateful for it. And I accept it.” She stepped closer. “I will be honored to become Mrs. John Bradshaw.” She rested her hands on his arms. “My heart breaks to think that you’d give up your freedom for me, but I’m swept away by your sacrifice.”

He enfolded her in his arms.

Hannah couldn’t hold him tightly enough. “I love you. Thank you for loving me.”

25

Anticipation and fear coursed through Hannah. Tomorrow she would become Mrs. John Bradshaw. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. She looked different. Her skin and eyes seemed more vibrant than usual.

Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine how it would be. To be sure, John would be well-dressed and handsome. He’d stand in front of the church, tall and broad-shouldered, and his eyes would follow her as she stepped into the church. She’d be wearing her lovely new gown and be quaking inside. While gazing at each other with adoring eyes, they’d exchange vows and then be declared husband and wife. Hannah smiled softly at the thought.

A celebration would follow with delectable foods, drink, and sweet treats. There would be congratulations and kisses and possibly even dancing. And then they would begin their new life together.

Apprehension swept away Hannah’s imaginings. She’d not told John about her past.
If he knew, would he still want to marry
me?
she asked for the thousandth time. Just the thought of telling him made her stomach churn. She tidied her hair and her hands trembled.

Her eyes went to the wedding gown hanging in the corner of the room. It was exquisite blue silk with a brocade center front panel. Mrs. Atherton had provided the fabric.
I still cannot
believe how the Lord has blessed me. In spite of my little faith
and my protesting, he’s given so much.