To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys) (10 page)

“There’s a lot I don’t know about why we left Spencer’s Clearing, but some families were forced to leave against their will. Norman has some hold over everybody, but I don’t know what it is.” She kicked at a thistle in her path. “Nor do I know why Sibyl and Laurie married men they don’t love. I’d never do that.” She looked up at Colby. “Ethan is convinced I’ll end up an old maid.”

Colby’s mouth formed a crooked smile. “The West is chock-full of men looking for wives. Once they get a look at you, there’ll be a line of hopefuls half a mile long eager to convince you your life would be incomplete without them.”

She grinned up at Colby. “Are they all like you?”

“Naw. I’m the best of the bunch.” When they stopped laughing, Colby continued. “Some will be gimpy legged, missing half their teeth, old enough to be your father, and smelling of the beer hall. A few will be about two steps ahead of the law. Some will be so young they haven’t started to shave. The rest will be honest, dependable, upstanding men who’ll work hard to be a good husband.”

They had reached her wagon. Rather than look for the pot she needed to prepare the antelope stew, she turned to Colby. “And where will you be?”

The change was drastic and immediate. “Far away from Santa Fe.”

“We’re not going to stay in Santa Fe.”

“It won’t matter where you settle. Now I’d better get back to work before Norman starts saying I’m not earning my money.”

“After what you did for Opal, I doubt even Norman would complain.”

“I still have work to do, and you have a supper to fix.”

He tipped his hat and was gone, but he spoiled the whole effect by winking just before he passed out of sight. Naomi was shocked by the sudden change in him, but that wink made her more determined than ever to find out why Colby was determined to avoid people…especially her.

***

Colby was as good as his word. He checked to make sure the livestock were well pastured and that a schedule of guards was set up for the night. He inspected each wagon to make sure the wheels were tight against the iron rims and all the hubs well greased. He supervised the filling of the water barrels and made sure everyone got their share of antelope. He organized the younger boys and girls into a line that beat the grass around the camp to ensure there were no snakes left to wiggle their way into a warm bed during the night. Yet none of that could drive Naomi’s question from his mind.

Where
will
you
be?

He didn’t know where the hell he would be, but he was damned certain of where he
wouldn’t
be. He didn’t intend to set one foot in Santa Fe no matter what the provocation. Elizabeth lived in Santa Fe with a child Colby had never seen, a child who thought its father was Haman Stuart, a child who would never hear of Colby Blaine.

Colby could forgive Elizabeth for not loving him as much as he loved her. He could forgive her for bowing to her father’s demand that she marry a man with enough money to support a wife and family. What he
couldn’t
forgive was her denying him the thing he wanted most in the world—a family. His child would have loved him even though Colby’s parents couldn’t, would have wanted to live with him even though Haman Stuart had more money. His child would have learned to value a person according to what he was, not the quantity of his possessions.

In no mood to answer questions or solve problems, Colby turned away from the wagons and headed to where Shadow was cropping the rich grass that grew between the spring and the river. The powerful Appaloosa had been his loyal companion for nearly eleven years. He’d bought him as a colt with the first money he’d managed to save. They’d only been separated during the years Colby spent in the Union Army. He’d left him with a farmer in Illinois rather than risk him in the war. The horse lifted his head when Colby approached, a generous mouthful of grass between his teeth.

“All the food and water you need and a slow ride during the day. Don’t have much to worry about, do you?”

Shadow acknowledged his master by shaking his head.

“Rest up while you can. In a few days we’ll strike out for parts unknown. I don’t know what we’ll be facing.”

He didn’t mind the thought of an unknown future. That’s pretty much all he’d ever had. He didn’t have anything of a material nature beyond a few guns, a good saddle, and a magnificent horse, but that’s all he needed to find a quiet corner of the world he could call his own. There were hundreds of uninhabited valleys and canyons in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains above Santa Fe. It didn’t matter what he did, run a few cows or raise horses. He might even do a little trapping. He could hunt for his food, grow a few vegetables, or live off the land.

That plan had appealed to him after Elizabeth’s betrayal nearly destroyed him. It didn’t sound so attractive now. He’d never go back to Santa Fe, but he no longer wanted to live in complete isolation for the rest of his life. Naomi had changed him.

But he wasn’t going to let himself become romantically involved. He didn’t believe in love. Okay, maybe he
did
believe in love. He just didn’t think it was possible for two humans to find the only kind of love he thought worth seeking.

But what kind of love was that? He’d spent so many years thinking love was impossible he hadn’t defined the kind of love he could believe in, the kind that was so impossible he didn’t believe it could exist. But if it couldn’t exist, why should he try to define it?

“Be glad you’re a horse,” he said to Shadow. “You don’t have to worry about parents, brothers and sisters, wives, or children. As long as you have enough to eat and drink, you’re happy.”

How did he know Shadow was happy? Just because the horse came when he whistled and allowed himself to be ridden didn’t mean he didn’t want more from life. If he’d been left to run wild, he’d have joined a herd, maybe become the head stallion and sired lots of foals. Maybe he missed having a family, of
belonging
somewhere, as much as Colby.

“I must be going nuts,” Colby muttered. “I’m not just talking to my horse. I’m trying to think like one. What has that woman done to me?”

Finding the conversation was no longer directed at him, Shadow lowered his head and continued to graze.

“That’s right, leave me to figure this out on my own,” Colby said when Shadow moved to a more appetizing patch of grass. “You’ll end up wherever I do. Don’t you want to have some say about it?” Colby raked his hands through his hair. “I’m arguing with my horse. What is wrong with me?”

He turned toward the wagons. Somehow, in ways he never expected, he’d become attached to those people. They were quarrelsome strangers who had no idea where they were going or what they would do when they got there. He had no intention of following them beyond La Junta, yet he felt responsible for them, even a kinship with them.

They’d given him a kind of acceptance he’d never experienced before. The adults still kept their distance, but that seemed to be more out of habit or shyness with strangers. The younger ones weren’t a bit standoffish. Ben looked at him in awe while Ethan was trying to emulate him. Dr. Kessling treated him like a son, and Norman depended on him though he would never admit it.

Then there was Naomi. No matter where his thoughts might wander, they always came back to her. He’d met beautiful women before who he had no trouble forgetting, yet his attraction to Naomi continued to grow. She wasn’t like any woman he’d ever met. She seemed unimpressed by her looks and didn’t make any attempt to attract his attention. She didn’t seem interested in getting married or worried about the kind of husband she might find. She was definitely stubborn, preferred to make up her own mind, to exercise her own intelligence. She wasn’t shy about stepping forward when something needed to be done or in stating her opinion, yet she seemed to prefer being out of the limelight.

The more contradictions he discovered, the more intrigued he became. It was a good thing he would be gone in a few weeks. Much more than that, and he might never be able to forget her.

***

The eastern sky had barely begun to lighten when Opal’s mother, tears streaming down her face, came running to where Colby lay sleeping next to the Kessling wagon. Scrambling to his feet—fortunately he slept in his clothes—he was nearly knocked over when Pearl threw her arms around him.

“It’s a miracle,” she cried, threatening to soak his shirt with her tears. “Opal acts like nothing was ever wrong with her. I can hardly tell where the snake bit her. Just two tiny spots on her cheek.” Pearl looked slightly embarrassed at having flung herself on Colby. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough. Her father would be here, too, but he cried when she woke up and her first words were
I’m hungry.
” She smiled shyly. “He’s so embarrassed he won’t show his face.” She laughed softly. “He’s a proud man, a good man, but a little foolish sometimes.”

“I can’t think of a better reason to shed tears,” Colby said.

“I’m so thankful you knew exactly what to do.”

“Everybody out here learns how to treat snakebites. Even the Indians who wanted to know where we found the buffalo could have helped.”

Pearl sobered. “I could never have trusted my daughter to an Indian.”

“I’d rather trust an Indian than die.”

It was clear Pearl’s trust boundaries didn’t go that far. “I’d better get back. I left Amber to start the meal, but she hasn’t learned how to cook on an open fire.”

“I think you’ve just been elevated to sainthood.”

Colby turned to see Naomi climb out of the wagon. Slightly embarrassed for her to have heard the excessive praise, he scolded, “You shouldn’t eavesdrop.”

Naomi gathered her hair in a ribbon so it hung down her back rather than cascaded over her shoulders. “She was barely six feet away. Osnaburg canvas can keep out the sun, wind, and rain, but sound comes right through.” She grinned at him. “You’re even more important than Norman. Your every word will be akin to divine revelation.”

“You’re laughing at me now,” Colby protested. “You’d better be careful the next time we cross a river. You might find yourself tipped out of the saddle.”

She did laugh then. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Colby cleared his throat. As Naomi gathered their breakfast makings, she wondered what could have turned him suddenly so serious. “Have you changed your mind about me?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You said the fact that I came to help you during the Indian attack rather than stay safely away spoke well of my character. You didn’t think much of my character in the beginning, did you?”

Naomi hoped Colby couldn’t guess just how radically her opinion of him had changed. She was uncomfortable just thinking about it.

“Well now I’ve started to get to know you.”

“Would you stop fixing breakfast for one minute and look at me? This will only take a minute. I’ll help. Just stop.”

He put his hand on her arm. There was no force, no effort to turn her to face him. For that reason, it was impossible not to turn around.

“I’m not talking about the Indians, the snakebite, me leading the train. I’m asking about
me.
Has your opinion changed about me?”

Naomi felt ambushed. Irritation caused her to strike out. “Why do you care? You’re going to leave us in a couple of weeks, and we’ll never see you again. You could be the devil himself, and it wouldn’t matter.”

His hand fell away and he stepped back, his expression revealing a medley of emotions. Disappointment was there, so was surprise verging on disbelief, but it was the hurt that convinced Naomi she had to reveal at least some of the truth.

“I like you,” she confessed. “I didn’t at first, but I do now.”

Some of the tension left his expression, but he didn’t relax. “What made you change your mind?”

“Dozens of things. The way you worry about Cassie. The way you tolerate Ben’s questions when I was sure he’d exhaust the patience of a saint. But you are a saint now, aren’t you?”

He didn’t appreciate her humor. Why was it so hard to tell him how she really felt? She was a woman, and all women were supposed to be spilling over with emotions they couldn’t wait to share.

“There’s a kindness in you that I’m not sure you know you have,” she said. “I see it in so many things you do but especially when you’re helping someone younger or less capable. With us that means just about everybody. I also like the way you accept people the way they are. Despite what you say about wanting to live by yourself, you care about people.”

He looked like he had gotten more than he expected, which served him right for pressing her so hard.

“Now I have to finish breakfast.” She pointed toward the bag of coffee beans. “You can start by grinding the coffee.”

A voice from under the wagon startled her. “I’m glad you’re done talking about mushy stuff. I’m tired of pretending to be asleep.”

Naomi rounded the end of the wagon and glared underneath at her brother. “You are a rotten little boy, Benjamin Kessling. I hope you end up with a wife who nags you and gives you seven little boys just like you.”

Ben was unperturbed by her severity or Colby’s laughter. “I’m not getting married unless I can find a woman as pretty as Cassie but who’s not silly like her. If I had that many boys, I’d send half of them to stay with their old maid Aunt Naomi.”

“With two old maids in the family, your papa had better hope Ethan gives him some grandchildren.”

Ben pulled on his pants and crawled out from under the wagon. “Men can’t be old maids. They’re called bachelors.”

Dr. Kessling strolled up looking cheerful and well rested. “What’s all this talk about grandchildren, bachelors, and old maids when you ought to be talking about my breakfast?”

“They’re talking about feelings,” Ben complained. “Before that Opal’s mother slobbered over Colby like he was some sort of god.”

“You are the most heartless little wretch,” Naomi said. “Pearl was thanking Colby for saving Opal’s life.”

“Papa could have done it.”

“But it was Colby who did the saving,” Dr. Kessling told his younger son, “so he’s the one who should get the credit.”

Ben was caught between his admiration for Colby and his loyalty to his father. “But you
could
have done it.”

“Colby managed it without leaving any scars. That will be very important to Opal when she grows up into a beautiful woman.” Their father grinned. “It might even be important to you when you grow up to be a handsome young man.”

Ben’s disgust at the implication that he might be sweet on Opal someday amused Naomi.

“I’m going to be like Colby and fight Indians.”

That promising conversation was forced aside by the arrival of Ethan with Cassie and her baby.

“Cassie wants you to look at her baby,” Ethan told his father. “He’s been fussy all night.”

“I fed him,” Cassie said, “but he won’t stop fretting.”

Dr. Kessling tenderly felt down the baby’s sides and peered into his mouth. “Looks like he’s teething. He’s going to be fretful for a while, but there’s nothing wrong with him.”

“I’m hungry,” Ben announced.

Forcefully reminded of her duty, Naomi turned her efforts to finishing breakfast while Colby offered everyone fresh coffee.

“I don’t want your old coffee,” Ben stated. “I bet it tastes like bull pee.”

“I’ve got to hand it to you,” Colby said. “I never had the courage to taste bull pee.”

Everybody got a good laugh except Cassie, who looked horrified. “I thought you were a nice boy,” she said.

“I’m not a nice boy,” Ben said proudly. “But nobody’s stupid enough to taste bull pee. What’s wrong with you?”

Ethan came to her defense. “Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just not used to people who exaggerate.”

“She’s used to herself, isn’t she?” Ben retorted. I never saw anybody carry on like she does.”

Before the brothers could come to blows, Naomi handed Ethan a plate and Colby took Ben by the collar and pulled him behind the wagon. “There are times when it’s not a good idea to utter every thought that pops into your head.”

“Cassie does.”

“She’s a young mother who’s lost her husband and father-in-law. She’s entitled to get carried away. How would you feel if those Indians had killed your father, Ethan, and Naomi?”

Ben swallowed.

“That ought to give you some idea how Cassie feels.”

“Do I have to apologize?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, but it’s not fair. She
is
silly.”

“Life isn’t fair,” Colby said.

“Don’t I know? Ethan was born before me.”

“Ethan got an arrow in his leg.”

Ben scowled at Colby. “Do you have an answer for everything?”

“No, but some answers are easy. Now go apologize.”

Ben looked aggrieved, but put a brave face on it and marched up to Cassie.

“Colby says I have to apologize for saying you carry on something awful.” He cast an accusatory glance at his father. “I guess I didn’t understand when I was told I’d never get in trouble for telling the truth.”

“If that’s your idea of an apology—” Ethan sputtered.

“It’s not a very good one,” their father said, “but it’s better than nothing. Now everybody needs to eat their breakfasts. We’ll never get to Santa Fe if we sit around talking all morning.”

Ben opened his mouth—probably to mount a defense—but his father forestalled him.

“Not another word until the wagons are hitched up and we’re rolling.”

Apparently Cassie didn’t think that applied to her. “I think it was a very nice apology. Nobody has ever apologized to me before.”

“I’m sure they never had reason,” Ethan said.

Naomi wanted to slap that mooncalf expression off his face. She had seen other boys go loco over a pretty girl, but she’d never expected him to be one of them.

“I didn’t have many girlfriends, but all the boys were very nice.”

Naomi was starting to wonder if Cassie was as silly as she seemed. She had certainly captivated Ethan, and Virgil Johnson’s two boys hovered around when they could find a free moment.

A gurgle from the baby drew their attention.

Cassie looked down and smiled. “He looks so much like Abe, I’ll never be able to forget him.”

She started to tear up, which made Naomi feel crummy for her uncharitable thoughts.

“You shouldn’t forget him,” Colby said. “Your son will want to know all about his father when he gets older. Do you have a name for him?”

“I thought about naming him Abe, but I cry every time I say his name.” She heaved a sigh of resignation. “I guess I’ll stop crying someday.”

Cassie might be a little shallow and a lot clingy, but it was apparent that she had loved her husband. From now on Naomi decided to make an effort to be more charitable.

As long as Ethan didn’t ask Cassie to marry him.

Colby set his plate down. “Time to round up the stock, hitch up the wagons, and get moving.” He looked to where the first rays of the sun had begun to edge over the eastern horizon. “Looks like it’s going to be a hot day.”

Cassie sighed. “It’s always a hot day inside the wagon. The baby gets fretful.”

“Maybe I can take him for a while this afternoon.” Naomi didn’t know where the words came from. It was certain her brain was appalled to hear them come out of her mouth.

“That’s very generous of you,” her father said.

She couldn’t take it back, not with Colby looking at her with approval in his eyes. She’d gotten spoiled riding with him each day. She was going to miss that.

“Do you know how to take care of a baby?” Cassie asked.

“It’s been a while, but I took care of Ben.” She grimaced at her younger brother who returned the favor. “I remember it all too well.”

“I never had a younger brother,” Cassie said. “My mama said I was all the children she could handle.”

Seemed like Cassie was even more alone than Naomi had thought.

“Come on,” Colby said to the boys. “Time to go to work.”

“Want me to help clean up?” Cassie asked Naomi after the men left. She laid her baby in a basket. “I guess I have to learn to take care of a baby and a house at the same time.”

“It’s not so hard. The older he gets, the more time he can spend on his own.”

“I guess so, but I like to hold him. He’s all I have left of Abe.” Cassie gathered up the dirty plates. “I have to learn to put him down and leave him. I have to marry as soon as I can find a husband. He won’t want me spending all my time with another man’s baby.” As Cassie walked away, she said, “Men aren’t much interested in babies.”

Naomi had been embarrassed about her feelings before, but now she was disgusted with herself. Nearly every word out of Cassie’s mouth made her feel like a selfish woman with no concern for anyone but herself. If she ever lost her husband, she wouldn’t be alone with no one to turn to. Her sons would have a grandfather and two uncles to initiate them into the secrets that for centuries had been turning perfectly reasonably young boys into quarrelsome, self-centered, and unfathomable creatures called
men.

What if she were to marry a man who already had children? Could she love them as deeply as her own? Wasn’t that too much to expect? Naomi was struck with the sudden question of how Colby felt toward babies. Did he ever think about a son of his own?

She shook her head to dislodge the unwelcome thought.

Ben ran up to the wagon. “Papa told me to help Ethan hitch the mules. As soon as I finish, I’m to come back and help him with our oxen.” He scampered away without waiting for Naomi to respond.

“I’d better go,” Cassie said when she returned. “I like to get settled before we start.”

“You don’t have to hurry.”

Cassie looked at her with bird-like curiosity. “Why are you being so nice to me? You invited me to eat breakfast with your family, you offered to take care of my baby, and you’ve talked to me like I’m a normal person. Nobody else has.”

Naomi had underestimated how isolated and alone Cassie felt. “I’m sorry everybody has been so standoffish. We’re such a close community we have trouble opening up enough to include other people.”

“I’ve never had a baby before. I wish I had somebody I could talk to.”

“Why don’t you talk to Pearl Sumner? She has three girls. The oldest, Amber, is about your age.”

“She doesn’t like me.”

“When we started, we didn’t think of your family as part of our group. Mr. Greene was just a stranger hired to take us to Santa Fe. Now you’re one of us. I’ll take you over and introduce you at the midday break.”

“I’d like that. Now I’d better go. I see your father is coming with the oxen. I wish I had oxen. Mules are so big. I think Ethan is very brave. He doesn’t act scared at all.”

Naomi watched Cassie walk away and wondered what kind of life she had led before she came west. Neither Ethan nor Ben would any more think of being afraid of a mule than they would of a pig or a cow.

Ben came running up just as their father was ready to put the yoke on the first ox. “I wish we had mules,” he said, slightly out of breath. “Oxen are so boring.”

“The last thing we need is exciting oxen or mules,” their father said. “Now stop chattering and help me with these harnesses.”

Having put everything away, Naomi went to join them.

“We can do this by ourselves,” Ben announced.

“I’m always glad of a little help,” their father said.

“Harnessing the team is a man’s job.”

“Who told you that?” Naomi asked.

“Ethan. He said he’d never ask Cassie to help him hitch up the mules.”

“That’s because she has a baby and she’s afraid of big animals,” their father said. “Naomi doesn’t have a baby, and she’s not afraid of big animals, even Colby.”

Naomi was shocked her father would make such a comment.

“Nobody’s afraid of Colby except Indians.” Ben pantomimed Colby using his repeating rifle.

“If you don’t back that ox into the traces, you’re going to have more to worry about than Indians.”

Ben took his father’s remonstrances with good grace. “When I’m grown, I’m going to have nothing but mules.”

“As long as you can pay for them, you can have anything you want.”

They’d almost finished when Colby came up leading an ox.

“Whose ox is that?” Ben asked.

Colby looked unusually solemn. “I don’t know. It joined our livestock sometime during the night.”