To Have and to Hold (27 page)

Joe shrugs. “Yes, it’s true. The marriage has been a farce since we came to New York. Actually it was probably a farce for a lot longer, according to Alice, but apparently we have nothing in common anymore and there’s no point in pretending otherwise.”

“How do you feel?”

“Oh, fuck, I don’t know. I feel like shit . . . I feel fantastic . . . she’s right . . . the marriage wasn’t working . . . but it used to work so maybe it could again . . . maybe we just need time . . . maybe I’ve been a bastard . . . maybe Alice shouldn’t have changed so much . . . I’m probably not the type to be married . . . we were wrong for one another . . . fuck knows . . . I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Josie stands up. She’d come over because she was concerned, and angry, but she wasn’t prepared to deal with this. She doesn’t know how she feels about this herself, and she knows she’s probably the worst person to be around Joe right now. The best thing she can do, particularly if her own relationship with him stands any chance at all, is to leave him alone, let him work this out himself. “I shouldn’t have come over. I’m sorry. I’m going to go now.”

“No!” Joe panics, instantly regressing to a lost little boy. He’s lost one woman this past week; he’s not prepared to lose another. There are many things Joe can deal with, but rejection is not one of them, and two rejections would be too much. “No,” he says in a more gentle voice, walking over to Josie and taking her face in his hands. “Please stay with me,” he says urgently, looking into her eyes as she drops her bag on the floor. “I need you, Jose. I want you. Don’t leave me.”

“Okay,” she whispers, as she folds him into her arms. “Don’t worry,” she croons, stroking his back and whispering into his neck. “I’m here. It’s all going to be okay.”

“
A
re you sure you don’t want me to fly out?” Emily’s voice is filled with concern. “I can, you know. Work’s not that busy, and you shouldn’t be on your own.”

“Oh, Em, thank you. But no. I actually feel as if I do need this time on my own. I need to sort out my head, just think everything through. But thank you. And thank you for being there for me.”

These past few days Alice and Emily have spoken four, five times a day. Neither has forgotten the reason for their lack of communication since New Year’s Eve, but Emily has forgiven, has forgotten why it ever seemed so important that she risked losing her best friend.

“So are you completely sure you’re okay? How do you feel?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I feel relieved, and I know I’ve done the right thing. We hardly even spoke toward the end, we just had nothing to talk about, and I don’t even remember the last time we made one another laugh. I’d go into the city and resent him for trying to turn me into something I’m not, and he’d come down here and hate me for not being what he wanted.

“I feel so happy that I don’t have to go into Manhattan anymore and stand next to Joe making boring small talk with the boring wife of one of his clients, and then five minutes later I’m terrified. I can’t believe that I’m going to be a divorcée, that I’m never going to wake up and see Joe lying next to me. That there isn’t anyone to stand up for me, or step in for me, or take over when things get too difficult.”

“I know,” Emily says. “That’s the bastard about being single. You have to do everything yourself. But on the plus side, you haven’t got anyone telling you what to do. You can eat Ben & Jerry’s for breakfast, lunch, and supper if you want.”

Alice snorts. “If you want what? If you want to grow into the size of a house?”

“Okay, not Ben & Jerry’s. How about Baskin & Robbins sugar-free chocolate mint ice cream then? Better?”

Alice laughs. “Much.”

“See? You can still laugh. And there’s much more you can do besides. You can have lie-ins every day. You can garden twenty-four hours without someone moaning that they want you to cook dinner, or you have to go shopping with them, or you have to go and meet people you don’t want to meet for lunch.”

“True. I know. Those are all the things I tell myself when I’m feeling good about it.”

“And when you’re not feeling good about it?”

“Then I tell myself that I’m terrified and I’ll never be able to make it on my own. Oh God, Em. I just can’t believe it’s come to this. I walked down that aisle thinking I was going to be married for the rest of my life. I thought Joe and I would grow old together.”

Emily is silent for a few seconds. “Alice, you walked down that aisle knowing who Joe was, what he wanted in a wife. You were willing to turn yourself into what he wanted. That’s why your marriage worked.”

“I know. It worked as long as I played by the rules. It’s just scary, being single again when I thought I had that part of my life sorted out.”

“I know. But any time you want to talk, Alice, day or night, you can always call me, and you know I’ll come if you need me.”

“I know.” Alice sighs. “I know.”

29

         A
lice opens the side door and walks into Gina’s kitchen, putting the large Tupperware bowl on the kitchen counter as she calls out a tentative hello.

“Alice? Is that you?” Gina’s voice drifts down from upstairs.

“Yup.” Alice moves over to the bottom of the stairs and shouts up. “I thought I’d come early to drop off the salad.”

“Come up. I’m just finishing getting dressed.”

Alice walks up as Gina comes out of her bedroom and wraps Alice in a big hug.

“So, aren’t you going to put on a concerned face and ask me how I am?” Alice pulls away and raises an eyebrow.

Gina nods and puts on a concerned face. “How
are
you?”

Alice changes her expression into one that says she is feeling sorry for herself, and shrugs. “Oh, you know. Not bad.”

Gina laughs. “Seriously, Alice,” Gina says. “Last time I saw you, you were feeling pretty down. You look better even if you don’t feel it.”

“Seriously, Gina.” Alice smiles. “Today is a good day. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes they’re bad. That’s what’s so awful. I wake up every morning with no idea what to expect.”

“Have you spoken to him?”

Alice nods as they both walk back downstairs to the kitchen. “He called last night.”

“And?”

“And it’s just so weird. This is my
husband.
I’ve been married to him for six years, and there’s something so familiar about hearing his voice but something so strange at the same time. I feel this weird dichotomy between knowing him so well and yet not knowing him at all.”

“Do you have regrets, or is this it, is it really over?” Gina hasn’t told Alice about seeing him with Josie, even now that she knows. It’s unnecessary to hurt her more, and Gina doesn’t know that Alice will understand her reasons for not telling her.

But Gina was relieved when she first heard the news, relieved that the secret was out in the open, that she wouldn’t have to lie or keep a secret from her friend again.

And more than that, Gina is relieved that Alice will no longer be hurt by a philandering husband.

Alice who deserves so very much better.

         I
t has been nearly six weeks since Joe and Alice split up. At first the days seemed to drag, Alice rendered useless by a strange inertia, unable to do anything other than sit on the sofa with Snoop and try to understand that this wasn’t something temporary, that her marriage was over and her life would never be the same again.

It wasn’t even that she was distraught about
Joe,
but she needed to mourn the loss of her marriage, the loss of her dreams. Alice had always thought she would be surrounded by children at the age of thirty-six. She had expected to be blissfully happy with a husband who shared everything with her, who made her laugh, who showered her with love and affection.

She had expected to have at least three children and a small menagerie of animals. And even though she had had none of these things while married to Joe, she always thought it was just a matter of time. And now it’s too late. Not only did she never have these things with Joe, she thinks it unlikely that she will be able to have these things with anyone else. Not at this late stage in the game.

More than anything else Alice feels a deep sadness and regret that she is becoming yet another statistic, for surely there is no option other than divorce.

Alice doesn’t have to ask where, why, or how it went wrong. The gift of hindsight is clarity, and Alice can see just how much she attempted to mold herself into what Joe wanted, and how, sooner or later, it was always destined for failure.

And she has forced herself to consider the near certainty that Josie is not the first indiscretion, and, painful though it has been, she has finally admitted that the signs were always there, she just chose to ignore them.

After reading an article in a magazine about sex addiction, Alice came to the conclusion that Joe couldn’t help himself, that he did love her but he was powerless.

She started to understand that there was nothing she could have done to change him, or stop him. And most of all, she understands that he is never going to change.

He is never going to change.

And with that realization comes the knowledge that Alice is going to be okay. That she’s been living practically on her own for nearly a year anyway, and that in many ways she is happier.

Life on her own doesn’t have to be frightening or daunting, or even lonely. As she starts to accept her new life, Alice realizes she’s not in such a bad place after all.

         T
oday—Gina and George’s barbecue (the last one of the summer)—is the first time Alice will have seen the neighbors
en masse
since she and Joe split up. During the week Sandy has been around, as has Sally, and Gina has been driving up every weekend to make sure Alice is okay.

Naturally the entire town has heard the news—hence the lack of invitations and the head-turning and whispering wherever Alice goes. It’s probably the hottest source of gossip since Rachel Danbury exposed her life to all and sundry, only because nothing exciting ever seems to happen in this little town.

People don’t get divorced in small towns like these. They marry for love and they stay married for life. They have between two and four children, drive huge, formidable SUVs, own chocolate-brown Labradors, and are on the PTA committee at school.

The women immerse themselves in the lives of their children and, should they not be terribly happy in their marriages, hide it well in a mountain of diapers and local volunteer work.

The men escape from the problems at work and lose themselves in the television set at home, fantasizing about what might have been when they pass nubile young women on Main Street, on their way to Home Depot to pick up some more decking.

People expect to get married and stay married, so even though Alice and Joe are relative newcomers, news of their split has spread around the community as fast as the bindweed takes hold in Alice’s garden, and it is still the hot topic of the month.

And worse, as a newly single woman Alice appears to be suddenly posing a threat to the happily marrieds. The husbands have all been lovely, but Alice is noticing that their wives are looking at her suspiciously, and the invitations that used to flood her mailbox are far fewer.

Highfield is definitely not a place for singles. The separated and divorced are supposed to pack up and move back to the city, to throw themselves back into the dating scene, and not dare to set foot in suburbia until they have found a permanent replacement for their old other half.

But Alice doesn’t much care. The true friends she has are still her friends—Gina, Sally, and Sandy—and she wouldn’t move back to a city if you paid her. Alice still finds every day as magical as when she first moved here, and she’s hoping that the people who are withholding invitations will soon learn she is no threat whatsoever.

Gina, of course, would never see Alice as a threat, and even though one of her gossipy neighbors expressed surprise that Gina was inviting Alice to this barbecue now that Alice is single—Gina told her exactly what she thought about that particular statement—she has been making sure that Alice is okay and has tried to put the rumors to rest.

Nobody knows the exact reason, although Kay has been heard to say rather smugly that he was clearly not the faithful type and in fact made a pass at her after one of their tennis matches, and Kay was pretty sure Alice had caught him with someone.

Kay had no idea whether this was true or not, even though, as we know, this was almost exactly what happened, but her suspicions quickly became fact, and everyone was aghast that he could treat the lovely Alice like that.

“It’s a shame,” they’d say. “Look at her, so young still and always on her own,” and they are delighted that she is here at this Labor Day barbecue that marks the end of the summer season. For many of the locals this is the first time they have seen Alice since they found out. Kay, who now feels even more threatened by Alice, has whispered to her friends that Alice looks dreadful: huge bags under her eyes, gray skin, lost huge amounts of weight.

But as people start to arrive they are pleasantly surprised. Alice, in a long linen skirt and tight white T-shirt, looks tanned and healthy. The sparkle is still in her eye, and she looks quite as happy as she did before.

“How
are
you?” people keep asking after the obligatory hug, and Alice laughs.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you
sure
?” they continue. “Is there something we can do?”

“I’m sure.” She smiles. “And there’s nothing you can do.”

Only Kay has the balls, the bad grace, to push it further.

“You know”—she sidles up to Alice, immediately pissed off at how good Alice looks—“I never trusted that husband of yours.”

“Oh, no?” Alice starts to turn away, not wanting to know why not, just wanting to move away from this woman she has never liked or trusted.

“No. He had a glint in his eye. Seemed like a womanizer. In fact, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I feel like you’re part of the sisterhood, and I know if it were me I’d want to know.” Kay takes a deep breath. “Joe made a pass at me at the Christmas party.” She looks at Alice carefully to gauge her reaction, but there was none, so she continued. “Naturally I said no—I mean, I couldn’t do that to another woman. I just thought you ought to know though. You did the right thing. Men like that can’t be trusted.”

Alice shakes her head slowly, trying to hide her shock and disgust at Kay saying anything at all. “I have to say I’m astonished,” Alice says smoothly.

“You are?” It wasn’t quite the reaction Kay was expecting.

“I am. I just wouldn’t have thought you’d be Joe’s type at all. He usually goes for sophisticated, beautiful women. I never thought the cheap, tarty type was him. Oh, well,” she shrugs. “Maybe he was drunk.” And she turns away, leaving Kay with her mouth open in shock.

Gina hustles Alice into a corner. “Did I hear what I think I just heard?”

Alice is shaking with anger. “Can you believe it? What a stupid bitch. Oh God, Gina, do you think he did make a pass at her? That’s just horrible. One of our neighbors, for heaven’s sake. Was he that priapic?”

Gina gives Alice a hug. “I’m sure she’s just making it up. She feels threatened by you, that’s all. And please, not that I know what Joe’s type is, but you’re right, she is cheap and tarty, and I’m sure Joe wouldn’t even have looked at her.”

“But she was his tennis partner.”

“Yeah, and she probably hated the fact that he didn’t come on to her. Look at the way she dresses. She’s the only woman here in a miniskirt and heels. She thinks all the men adore her and I would think she hated the fact that Joe didn’t. I would seriously put money on it.”

“You would?” Alice’s shaking starts to abate.

“I would. But, Alice Chambers, that was an amazing put-down.” Gina starts to laugh. “I’d hate to get on your bad side.”

Alice starts to see the funny side too. “I can’t believe I said that to her. It’s one of those things I usually think of afterward. When I’m lying in bed trying to think of something cutting and witty to say. God knows where it came from.”

“Just thank God it did.”

Alice’s smile leaves her face. “Gina, is
everyone
talking about us?”

Gina grimaces. “I know I ought to lie to you but I can’t. Everyone is talking about you.”

“Oh God.” Alice sinks her face into her hands. “That’s just awful.”

Gina shrugs. “I know. It is awful but it’s natural. It’s a huge scandal for this town. The two glamorous Londoners with the great accents who seem to lead a charmed life, and suddenly it’s over.”

“Do they know why?”

“No one knows for sure. I’ve heard it’s because you couldn’t have children and he wanted them. I’ve heard it’s because he couldn’t have children and you wanted them. I’ve heard it’s because he found someone else. I’ve heard it’s because you found someone else.”

“Me? Me! How the hell am
I
supposed to find someone else? Who else is there? I know practically everyone in this town, and everybody sees me all the time. Who do they think I’m messing around with?” Alice’s voice is loud with indignation.

“Shh. Shh. Calm down.
I
know that.”

“I hope you told them.”

“Of course. Unless you’d like me to start any rumors. Anyone you’d fancy messing around with?”

Alice can’t help herself. She grins. “Ooh. We could start some good rumors.”

“How about the bitch’s husband?”

“Who, James?”

Gina nods with a smile. “That would get back at her.”

“No. I couldn’t do it. It’s too cruel.”

“Okay, how about Michael Bolton?”

“Michael
Bolton
? What are you
talking
about?”

“Well, he lives around here. And you’ve got to admit having an affair with a celebrity would really throw them.”

“Even one that looks like Michael Bolton?” Alice is dubious, to say the least.

“A celebrity is a celebrity is a celebrity.”

“So, what?” Alice continues. “You’re going to say I’m messing around with Michael Bolton?” Alice starts giggling. “Gina, that’s terrible. You can’t say that.”

Gina looks shocked. “Darling, I would never be that obvious. But I think Kay needs to be informed that you and Michael Bolton were seen having dinner at Cobb’s Mill Inn, looking very cozy indeed.”

“Oh, well.” Alice lets out a fake resigned sigh. “If you must, you must.”

“I must,” Gina says firmly. “And now I have to check that George is handling the barbecue properly. Come on. Let’s go outside and get some food.”

A
n hour later Alice nearly chokes on her burger when Mary Beth comes to sit next to her.

“Tom and I have been meaning to have you over,” she says. “We thought perhaps you and Michael would join us for dinner next week.”

Alice looks up to see Gina standing behind the barbecue grinning at her. Gina winks as Alice splutters.