T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (17 page)

Otter had even gotten the Kid more soy ice cream, so we sat in the living room, watching CNN and taking turns licking the spoon. Its absolutely the worst stuff Ive ever tasted in my entire life, but I didnt want to get another threatening look from Ty, so every time he offered me a bite, I took it. Otter did, too, and once, when Ty looked back down at the bowl, Otter made a gagging face at me, and I made one back. We both started laughing, and Ty looked at me threateningly anyway.

Eventually, Tys eyes started to droop and his head started to nod, but he kept insisting he wasnt tired. Then he fell asleep in mid-sentence, and I picked him up and took him to Creeds room. He yawned as I made him put on his pajamas and brush his teeth. He grinned sleepily at the thought of sleeping in Uncle Creeds room. Otter came in and said good night and promised him waffles for breakfast, with crunchy peanut butter and maple syrup. He kissed the Kid on the forehead and walked out the door.

I turn back to the Kid, and he smiles happily at me. “Are you going to be okay in here?” I ask.
He nods. “Youre not going to go home are you? You having a sleepover too?”
“Yeah, Kid. Im staying here too.”
“Well, where are you going to sleep?”
To be honest, I havent really thought about this. Maybe because my mind has been shutting that part out all evening. But the night is almost at an end, and Im going to have to think of something soon. I didnt even bring any clothes to sleep in.
“I dont know, Kid. Maybe Ill sleep in Creeds parents room.”
“Just sleep in Otters bed,” he tells me. “Thats right down the hall, and I can find you if I need to.”
Goddammit.
I nod slowly. “Okay. Ill have to make sure its okay with Otter.”
“He wont care. Gnight, Papa Bear.”
“Night, Kid,” I say as I stand and set the lamp on its lowest setting. I close the door partway and start walking down the hallway, my mind in eight billion different places at once.
Can it really be this easy?
I think.
Could it really be so… quick… to be like
that
? I was with Anna, for Christ’s sake! We had sex and I enjoyed it! I would still be with her if I hadn’t… hadn’t….
Well, had I not kissed Otter. True, those words were never spoken out loud to her but doesnt she have her suspicions? Didnt she—
is he in love with you
—ask me a question no girlfriend should have asked in the first place? And why couldnt I—
are you in love with him
—look her in the eye when I rebuked her? Why did she say I was lying?

What is it that people can see that I can’t? How could she ever know when I can’t even face it myself? Why would she be so quick to point me in his direction?

I remember being almost eleven years old, watching Otter graduate high school. I remember later that summer, sitting in his room, feeling morose as I watched him packing his room to leave for college. I remember him smiling the Otter smile and sitting next to me on the bed, saying, “You look like someone died, Bear.” I remember not being able to tell him that it
felt
like someone had died because he was leaving. I remember watching him drive away. I remember him coming home the first time, his eyes wild with things I would never know. I remember the way I had jumped onto his back the first time Id seen him.

I remember being fourteen and having just had sex with Anna for the first time and calling Otter right away, wanting to brag, but really wanting to feel consoled as I was scared half to death. I remember being fifteen and watching Otter graduate college. I remember him saying, “Now, they say life really begins.” I remember him laughing when I asked who “they” were.

I remember him moving back home. I remember being eighteen and my mom leaving. I remember graduating high school with Otter watching me. I remember him telling me that there was no one else who could take care of Ty like I could. I remember wanting to hit him but something entirely different happening instead.

I also remember him leaving. I remember that most of all, because I cant ever remember a time when he wasnt a force in my life. I remember the anger and darkness I had felt. I remember Id been the one to chase him away. I remember him saying that he left because of his
influence
, but I remember that it always takes two. I remember so much; I remember too much.

I stand outside his door. I know that if I go in, everything will change. Im almost able to reach out for the door handle, and then I do. My fingers feel the cool metal of the knob, but then I stop.
It can’t be like this. It can’t be this easy. I love Anna. I love Anna.
I try to remember something, anything about Anna, but my mind draws a blank. Its like hes erased her from me. I squeeze my eyes shut and am about to turn and go back to Creeds room when the door opens in front of me, light and Otter spilling out to me.

“Hey,” he says, startled to see me right in front of his door. “What are you doing?”

 

“I was just… thinking some thoughts,” I say lamely.

Otter shakes his head. “You always do, Papa Bear. I dont suppose thatll ever change. Its one of the reasons I….” He stops, as if catching himself.

“Its one of the reasons you what?” I ask curiously.

“Never mind, Bear. It doesnt matter. Hey, I got you some clothes to sleep in. There, on my bed.” He pushes past me and walks into his bathroom and shuts the door.

I quickly change, not wanting to be caught in any stage of undress before he comes back. He has given me the pair of black sweat pants Id seen him wearing earlier. I swim in them and feel self-conscious about my chicken legs. I slip the black tank top over my head, and its two or three sizes too big. My skin is pale against the fabric. I rub my arms quickly as goose flesh appears. I feel like an imposter, a child dressing up in big-people clothing. I think this is all an act. I dont know how much longer I can avoid this.

He comes back into the room and glances at me. His expression is unreadable. I want to crack open his head and crawl inside to find out what he thinks about when he looks at me. I need to know if he feels sorry for me, because I couldnt stand that. Ive never wanted his pity, and I certainly wont take it now.

He sits on the bed and stretches. The white tank top he wears rises up, just an inch, but it still reveals miles of hard brown skin underneath. His pajama shorts sit low on his waist, and I can see where the tan ends and the white begins, and then he stops, and I wonder what hes doing. I wonder if hes trying to… do something to me. I wonder if thats been his plan all along. Ever since I was a little kid. I wonder if its his fault Im so fucking torn like I am right now. I wonder if he knows about this and is getting off on it. Nauseous guilt rolls through me, and it takes everything in my power not to grimace as my stomach clenches.

This is Otter. He would never….
“You okay?” he asks me.
I nod once.
“Well, thats good, I guess. Ive made up the guest room next door for

you.”
“Oh,” I say, feeling relieved, but unable to stop it from sounding
disappointed.
He arches an eyebrow at me.
“But…,” I mumble. “I just… thought….” I wave my arms around the
room, trying to show something in the general vicinity.
“You thought what, Bear?” he asks, sounding genuinely confused. “You know…,” I stammer uncomfortably. “I could… sleep….” He bursts out laughing. “Im just fucking with you,” he says, grinning
evilly. I want to kick his ass, but I also want to throw up because I was ready
to go to the other room.
“Thats not funny, Otter,” I say as I glare at him.

He shrugs. “Maybe not now. Youll laugh at it someday. Someday youll laugh at all of this.” He turns and crawls farther up the bed and slides up with his back against the headboard and looks at me expectantly. I shudder; has his bed always been this small? It wasnt like this earlier. I almost bolt from the room, but I walk toward him, drawn by some force I cant yet name. I feel awkward in my big people clothes. Im too white, Im too skinny, Im too everything for him to want… well, to want whatever it is he wants. His eyes never leave me as I lean down and sit on the bed, my back to him. I shudder again, and my teeth start chattering. I cant help it, and my whole body shakes and my hands flex uncontrollably, and I tense my jaw, willing it to stop. A hand falls on my back, and for just a moment, a split second, the tremor worsens. But then its gone.

“Bear?” I hear Otter ask gently.

I turn and throw myself at him, burying my face in his chest. He doesnt startle this time, and his hands are in my hair, and before I can stop, Im telling him what happened with Anna. How I had lied about him being at my house that night, how she had looked at me with angry tears in her eyes. I tell him how Id felt like Id chased him away so he would never hate me. When I get to this part, I think Ill hesitate, but I dont. Otter never interrupts me, and Im grateful. I tell him how I still could not admit to Anna that Id kissed him. I tell him she called me a liar. I tell him everything; well, I tell him
almost
everything. When I get to the part of her asking if he was in love with me or I was in love with him, I stop. The words wont come out of my mouth, and I think thats okay for now. Maybe one day Ill be able to tell him how it all really ended.

After Im done talking, my throat is dry, and I feel hollow and soft, like a rotting pumpkin months after Halloween. Throughout my confession, Otters hands remained in my hair, tugging gently. At one point his thumbs rub against my eyebrows, and I embarrass myself by making a happy humming sound at the back of my throat. I lay curled against his chest, once again wanting to know what hes thinking.

Finally, he says, “So you just werent satisfied with making sure the Kid had a proper future, but you thought youd make sure Id have one too?” I shrug meekly. “It sounds kind of stupid when you say it like that.” “Bear,” he says gruffly from somewhere above me, “it sounds stupid no

matter how you say it.”
I sit up, annoyed. “You didnt have to leave,” I point out.

He stares hard at me, his big arms across his chest. “So youve said a few times now,” he says carefully. “But I already told you why I did.”

“It doesnt look like your reasons mattered, though,” I say thoughtfully. “Why do you say that?”
“Well, youre here now. And so am I.”
He shakes his head. “Bear, we dont even know what that means yet.” “I know that, Otter,” I say. “But can you… can you wait until I… figure

that out?” I dont know what Im even asking for, but I choose not to clarify for fear of making it worse. He reaches up and pulls me back to him. I lay stiffly against him, wanting an answer. I want an answer now before I end up making a fool of myself.

“Like I told Ty earlier,” he says in my ear, “Im not going anywhere.”

I try to sit back up, but he holds me against his chest. When I speak, my lips are moving against the fabric of his shirt. From this vantage point, I can see his right nipple harden. A dark buzz races through my body. “You also told Ty that you would go back. Eventually.” I cant finish what he had actually said.

“Ye-es,” he draws out. “I also seem to remember saying something else in that, too, that you seem to be avoiding.”

“Of course Im avoiding it, Otter,” I say angrily. “Why would you even say something like that? Why would you get the Kids hopes up like that?”
And why would you get
my
hopes up like that?

“His hopes up?” Otter repeats. “You think I wasnt serious?” I tense against him. “How could you be?”
He pulls on my chin, forcing my eyes to his. “Why
wouldn’t
I be?” he

says.

I pull away. “Otter, I cant just pack up and move. Ive got a job here, and the Kid has school, and we would just get in the way. Besides, I cant afford to live in California.”

“Ive got money,” he starts, but I hold up my hand and cut him off.

“I dont want you to have to take care of us, Otter. Ive done fine on my own these last couple of years.” I am feeling slightly mortified at what Otter is suggesting, that he would be paying for our lives. I would never feel comfortable allowing him to do that. I still have my damnable pride, and whether thats good or bad, I dont know. But I do know that doesnt matter.

“What about school? You
are
going to go back to school eventually, right? Youre not going to be able to have a full-time job and go to school and take care of Ty.”

I wring my hands. “Ill figure something out.”
He snorts. “What, when Ty graduates?”

“How did this suddenly become any of your concern?” I snap at him. “Why are you even going back to San Diego, anyways? I thought something bad happened. Thats why youre here, isnt it?”

He glares back, his eyes glittering. “Thats part of it,” he says flatly. “And maybe its also because I thought I should try to make up for past mistakes.”

Im livid and I dont know why. I get up and start pacing his room. “Oh, so something bad happens to you, and you just happen to decide then that you need to „make up for past mistakes?” This last part comes out slightly mocking, and Id regret it if I wasnt so pissed off. “You gotta admit, Otter, thats perfect goddamn timing.”

Otter jumps up and stands in front of me, his presence large and fierce. I dont care; I scowl right back, my arms tense at my side. “Why do you do that?” he growls. “Why do you seem bent on driving people away?”

“I think the question we should be asking,” I say hotly, “is that if whatever you went through in California hadnt happened, would you even be here?”

I watch all the fight drain out of him. He slumps onto the bed and lies on his back, one arm over his head, the other tapping gently against his stomach. I cant help but notice, even now, how his shirt rides up again, and I can see his smooth hard stomach. The ridges of skin there cause my mouth to go dry. I alternate between hot and cold, heaven and hell. I want to keep fighting, I want to keep hashing this out, but Otter looks so dejected that I cant. I sigh and sit on the bed next to him. I pat his leg awkwardly. “Youre right,” I say sadly. “I seem to chase everyone away.”

He sits up and puts his hands in his lap. “I shouldnt have said that,” he says quietly. “I have no right to say anything to you.”