T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (15 page)
Bear,
You needed to sleep more. I got Ty up and ready for school and will drop him off. Don’t worry about work. I called in and pretended to be you, and now apparently you’re down with the flu. It seems I can do a good Sick Bear impression. Remind me to show you later.
Anyways, I’m going to go home afterward and try to get some sleep. Make sure you call me as soon as you wake up. I’m worried about you, Papa Bear.
Otter
P.S. Ty’s been awake for ten minutes and already he’s told me about the Amazing PETA People. Why the hell do you let him watch that kind of stuff?
My faces splits, and I know its because Im smiling.
This realization wipes it away.
I stand in the shower for a good thirty minutes, alternating between hot
and cold because Im either sweating or shivering, and I think maybe I
am
getting sick. When I can no longer take the water rushing on my body, I get out, wrapping a towel around my waist. I wipe the condensation of the mirror and stare at my reflection. I look pale and wan. My eyes are bruised and my lips cracked.
No wonder she broke up with me
, I think, half-crazy.
I look like a meth addict.
It tries to rise again, that feeling of despair, and I almost let it. Its so much easier to feel sorry for yourself. I should know, Ive done my fair share of it. I think I have it in check when just a shard slips through, and I see the lip of my reflection quiver slightly. I grip the edges of the sink and will myself to stop, to just fucking stop already. My reflection seems to listen as I glare at it. Its lip stops quivering, and its chest stops heaving, and blood starts to warm its cheeks.
There
, I think.
There, see? See? I can do this. I can do this.
I leave the bathroom, starting to feel better. It doesnt last long.
I try to rub my arms, but I still feel cold
I dress, but nothing I put on fits right.
I try and eat, but all the food tastes like sawdust.
I turn on the TV, but the lights and noise hurt my head.
I pace around the living room.
I pace in the kitchen.
I pace in the living room again.
I grab my car keys.
I get in my car.
I drive and drive and drive, and I think Im going to leave. I think Im going to leave and not look back.
It would be easier.
Ten minutes later, I become aware of my surroundings and see that Im on a street I recognize, a street I know all too well. I try and stop myself, but Im on autopilot. There is a pleasant buzzing in my head, and its like theres cotton in my ears because everything is muted. I turn on the street where, when I was ten, I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. I pass the house where, when I was twelve, Creed and I had stolen a lawn gnome. I sail by a parking lot where, when I was fifteen, Mr. Thompson had taught me how to drive. I pull into a driveway that Ive pulled into countless times before. I walk up a stone pathway that used to be covered in grass. I ring a doorbell that still surprises me as it sounds like my own. Nothing happens. I ring it again. And again. And again. I ring it until I hear a padding of feet, and then he opens the door, and its like Im eight again, and its like hes sixteen again, and I want to ask him if Creeds home because I have come to stay the night, but I am afraid Ill shatter like glass. I stare at him and he stares at me, and finally I say, “I didnt know where else to go,” and he steps back, and I walk past him into a house that I used to think of as a safe haven. I walk up the stairs, and I hear him following me. I beg him silently not to speak, and he doesnt. Thats good because if he spoke, autopilot would disengage and reality would set in. I see his door, and even though it no longer has a sign that says to
Keep Out
, that its
Otter’s Room
, I know its Otters room.
I open the door and the bed is disheveled, and I know he was asleep. I sit down on the edge and take of my shoes, and I crawl up into the bed, pulling the covers up and over me, making a cave where a Bear can sleep. I am so tired, and I can barely keep my eyes open when I feel the bed dip carefully, and I know he is climbing back in. I lift up the covers so he can come into the cave. He crawls underneath and lies on his side, his eyes heavy with something that I cant quite make out, and he folds his arms around his front, laying his head upon his hands. I let the covers fall gently back down, and it gets dark in the Cave of Otter and Bear, but not so very dark that I cant still make out his eyes, his nose, his lips. My hand reaches out on its own accord and touches his cheek gently. Its stubbly, and he holds his breath, and I dont know why Im doing this, but I am. He grabs my hand and holds it between his. Hes about to say something, but I shake my head because I dont want to hear a single word. I turn and lie on my side, matching his position, and draw my knees up to my chest and they bump his, and thats where I leave them. I watch Otter watching me, and he still holds my hand, and I dont draw it away. Thats how I stay until finally, inevitably, I fall asleep.
I wake, the sun is pouring in through the window above the bed. I stretch and look over at the other side of the bed, slight apprehension coursing through my body. Its empty. I breathe a quick sigh of relief and immediately feel guilty. I roll over and grab the pillow and hug it against myself.
What am I doing here?
I think.
I just broke up with the only person I thought I could be with forever. And here I am, doing… what
am
I doing? This isn’t right. This isn’t who I am supposed to be.
How do you know?
it whispers back.
If you would allow yourself to think clearly for one single moment, you would know. You would know everything you have been trying not to be.
I hug the pillow tighter and the door opens.
“Good,” Otter says cheerfully. “Youre awake. I thought I was going to have to drag you out of bed to wake you up.”
I scamper up quickly against the headboard and hug the pillow to my chest. I look warily at Otter. He stands against the doorway, arms across his chest, leaning against the door jam. His short blond hair sticks out in different directions, and his green eyes sparkle, and his grin is as crooked as Ive ever seen it. I start to feel tightness in my chest and loins, and I squeeze the pillow tighter. His long legs are clad in loose black sweats, and his white tank top shows off a tan I could never have. His arms look strong pressed against his trim body. I forcibly look away, trying to focus my ministrations elsewhere. I hear him chuckle to himself quietly.
“What?” I say, the word coming out more harshly than I intend.
“Your hair looks hilarious.”
I scowl and frantically start brushing it down. “Yours doesnt look any better,” I retort.
“Ah, Bear after he just wakes up. I almost forgot how fun it is.”
“Shut up, Otter,” I say as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and plant my feet on the floor. Before I can move any further, Otter is standing in front of me, hunkering down and sitting on the heels of his feet.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey, yourself,” I mumble back.
He reaches out and touches my arm gently, and for a moment, I let his hand rest there. For a moment, I almost forget who I really am and can only focus on how good his touch feels. I pull my arm away and look over his head and hear him sigh.
“Bear,” he says.
“What, Otter?”
He stands up and takes a step back. “Its almost time to pick up the Kid from school. I told him you would be there when he got off.”
I stand up quickly, fishing my keys out of my pocket, relieved at the excuse I now have. I start automatically for the door and only stop when he says my name again. I dont want to turn around, not really, but I do, and hes standing in the same spot hed been in.
“I promised Ty Id try making him a tofu lasagna tonight,” he says. “I dont know how good itll be, but I said he could hang out here tonight. I hope you dont mind.”
I nod my head jerkily. “Thats fine. I can drop him off.”
He grins knowingly. “Nice try, Papa Bear. Youre not getting off the hook that easily. Youve got to help me make it.”
“Otter, I dont know.”
“I know you dont,” he says softly. “Bear, I dont know what happened between you and Anna, but I dont think that you should be by yourself right now. Youre eventually going to want to talk about it. I think its better for you to be here.”
With you
, I think as I start to fidget and play with my keys. “Ill think about it, Otter. Okay?”
“Bear,” he says in that voice of his, that warning voice that drives me fucking crazy.
“Please, Otter,” I whisper. “Just… just take it slow with me, okay? I dont know what the hell Im doing right now, and I just need you… to just… I dont know.”
He walks over and stands in front of me and, even though I hate myself for doing it, I flinch and take a step back. Im almost out the door when he grabs both my shoulders, and I cant help but look up at him and what I see, the regard in his eyes, almost knocks me on my back. No one ever looks at anyone like this. Its never supposed to be like this. It cant be real.
“Bear,” he says evenly. “You have to believe that I dont know whats going on here, either. Im just trying to be your friend.” He smiles sadly at me. “Can you trust me to do that?”
Its strange. Its strange because I can. I nod, my eyes wide.
“Okay, then,” he says and turns around and goes to his desk and starts fiddling with a camera that is splayed out in pieces across the table.
Im about to leave, but that buzzing picks up again, starting in my toes and working its way up through until I can feel it in my ears. Suddenly Im behind him, and I circle my arms around his waist and lay my head on his back. He starts, but only for a moment. He slowly, carefully, leans back into me and brings his hands up and pats mine gently. I take a deep breath, and he smells like Otter, a smell that hasnt changed since the first time I met him.
I pull away and walk out of the room, my mind ablaze.
“
, Bear!” Ty shouts as I pull up in front of the school. He says goodbye to some of his friends and tramples his way through the crowd. I grin as he almost knocks a girl down that he seems to go out of his way to walk near. I think of how Creed had kicked Suzy March in the stomach. I wonder if this little girl was at his party.
He grins at me. “Im glad its the weekend. Ive had the longest week
ever.
” I burst out laughing because he sounds like a forty-five-year-old businessman.
“Youre telling me,” I agree. “Im glad its the weekend too.” He waves at some of his friends still standing at the front of the school. The little girl turns and waves brightly at him, and he scowls and turns to face the front.
“So whos that?” I ask casually.
“Whos who?” he says, dancing around the question.
I look pointedly at him. “That lovely young dame that you seem so very
The Kid frowns at me. “You mean Amy?” He makes a rude noise and suddenly sounds like a nine-year-old again. “Shes nobody.”
“Is she in your class?” I ask, trying to keep my mirth from rising.
“No. Shes in a grade above me.”
“Oh. So shes older.”
“I guess. Why are you asking about her?”
I shrug. “She seems nice. Was she at your birthday party?”
“No. I didnt invite her.”
“Why not?”
“Well, because!” he sputters. “Shes…
mean
and… I just dont like her!”
“Shes mean to you? Do you need me to talk to her teacher?” I say, keeping a straight face.
The Kid pales. “No,” he says hastily. “I think I can handle it.”
“I bet you can.”
He glares up at me. “Are you making fun of me?”
I grin. “I wouldnt dream of it.”
“Good. Because Ive had quite the day, and I dont want to have to put up with your nagging.”
“My
nagging
?” I burst out laughing. Much to my relief, this cracks through him, and he starts laughing too. I reach over and ruffle his hair, and he complains good-naturedly but grabs onto my hand and pulls it into his lap. He plays with my fingers, humming quietly to himself. I wait.
“She eats meat,” he says finally.
“And thats bad? I eat meat.”
“Thats okay, though. Youre my big brother. Shes just a dumb girl.”
“Those are always the best ones, huh?”
He eyes me with great consideration. “I dont know, Bear. Are you and Anna okay?”
I grip the steering wheel tightly. “So, you heard that one too.”
He grimaces. “It was kind of hard not to, Papa Bear.”
“What did you hear?” I asked, suddenly nervous.
He shakes his head. “Just yelling. Im sorry, Bear. I didnt mean to hear it.”
I pat his hand. “Its okay, Kid. Im sorry too. It should have never gone down like that. I should have thought that through a little bit.”
“Otter took me to school today!” he says, excited. I grin sickly at the change in topic. “Hes never done that before. He took me to get donuts!”
“Good Ol Otter.”
“Yep, good Ol Otter. Hey, why are we going back to our house? Otter said we were going to his house tonight! He promised, Bear! Hes making lasagna!”
I roll my eyes. “Take a breath, Ty. I know he promised. Were just stopping by the house real quick so you can change.”
“Can we stay the night too?”
Uh, what?
“Er… not tonight,” I stammer. “Maybe some other time.”
“Why not?”
“Because I said, thats why.”
He crosses his arms and groans. “We never get to do anything fun.”
“Kid,” I say sternly. “Theres a lot going on that you just… just….” I try to finish, but he is making little begging noises and scrunching up his face, and I dare anyone to try and say no to
that.
My heart skips a little beat as I say, “Fine. But you owe me. Big-time.”
“You rock, Papa Bear.”
An hour later finds us back at Otters house. As soon as Im in the driveway, Tys out the door and running inside. “Ill be right in,” I call after him and turn off the car. I bump my hands lightly against the steering wheel and tap my leg nervously. Going inside now is going to be a big step, and Im not sure what it means. Before I can stop myself, Im dialing my phone, and it starts to ring. I want to hang up, but I cant because I need to hear her voice. It has come over me suddenly, and I think theres time to hang up before she answers. But still I wait, tapping my hand and bouncing my knee.
“Hey, Bear,” Anna says. She sounds tired.
“Hey, yourself,” I say back.
“Whats up?”
“Nothing. Whats up with you?”
“You know. Whyd you call?”
I shrug and grit my teeth, stupidly realizing she cant see me. “I dont know. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“About?”
“Does it have to be about anything?”
She sighs. “Bear, its always going to be about something.”
“It doesnt have to be,” I say, fighting back tears. “We can just… cant we just go back?”
She laughs, not unkindly. “I dont think so, Bear. I cant ever see how. It wouldnt be fair to either of us.”
“But we could. If we really wanted to. We could, I know we could, Anna.” I am fighting for this for reasons I dont completely understand. I think part of me wants this to maintain some sense of normalcy. To maintain one of the few constants Ive had in my life. Its safe, its comfortable, and its the only place Ive known.
“Bear,” she says, and I can hear how thick her voice gets. “Bear, who are you trying to convince?”
Both of us.
“I dont know,” I say instead.
“Bear, I am going to ask you to do me a favor, okay?” she says, weeping openly now. “Im going to ask you for one thing. But you have to promise me this because its the only way we are going to make it. Understand? Its the only way Ill ever be able to stay in your life. Can you do this for me, Bear?”
“Yes. Anything, Anna. Anything for you.”
