Tiger Moths (17 page)

Exiting the stage, he walked to the back door of the building. A cool evening breeze hit him in the face. It felt good, but gave small relief to the humid July night. The breeze reminded him of how he felt: just not satisfied. Normally he would hop off the stage full of exhilaration, ready to party. Tonight he felt nothing. This emptiness was so foreign to him that it almost frightened him. Was he sick? What was wrong with him? What brought this on?

He climbed the three steps up to his bus and made his way to the back. He went to a closet to pick out his after-show party clothes. It had become the routine for Big Ben and Johnny to go out and party like there was no tomorrow whenever they could. Since Johnny had four days until his next show in Chicago, this was a perfect opportunity to have some fun together. Big Ben had been planning for days to party in the big “D.”

They had had a few minor scrapes with the law at times, but nothing major. There was that one drunk and disorderly charge. It had been made by some overzealous cop, and Jason took care of it. But, out of respect and reverence for Casey, Johnny made sure they never drove while impaired. Minor as they were, however, their scrapes did not go unnoticed. Those reports, coupled with the numerous stories about Johnny’s womanizing, had led Jason to dislike Big Ben more than ever. Still, there was no stopping the boys and their good times.

Except that tonight, Johnny just could not bring himself to go out. Instead, he pulled on a pair of well-worn blue jean cut-offs and sat shirtless by the window. He watched Big Ben load the last case on the truck and slam the door shut. It had been a long day, but it was even longer for his guys.

Ben had been working with the crew for more than two years now, and he loved the job. It was hard work to be sure, but Johnny knew he put his heart and soul into it. In this job Ben had found more than a good, steady paycheck. He had found a family. Johnny was happy he could give that to his friend.

Family – the thought of it strangely sent Johnny into a deeper funk. He got up and took an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels from the top shelf. Two healthy chugs of the whiskey made his throat and lungs burn. A third brought watery eyes. But none brought relief. More, he needed more to numb his misery. He pulled on a baseball cap and departed the bus, bottle in hand.

Minutes or hours passed, he wasn’t sure. In the distance he could hear Big Ben looking for him. He watched his big friend frantically searching. He did not move. Big Ben would not quit until he found him.

Big Ben walked up to the bus and pounded on the door. “Hey Johnny, open up, man. It’s me, Big Ben. Are you ’bout ready to hit the town, man? The big city is waiting for us; let’s go.” Johnny remained silent and hidden, invisibility his only relief.

“Johnny.” Big Ben opened the door and climbed aboard the bus. “What gives, man? It’s almost midnight. Let’s get a move on.”

Big Ben walked the length of the bus and searched Johnny’s private living area. No Johnny. He checked the bathroom, and walked back up to the driver’s seat, looking in all of the seats along the way. He quickly jumped off the bus, picking up the pace of his search. He started walking between the eighteen wheelers that carried all of the show equipment.

He stopped when he got to the opposite side of the tour bus. There, he saw what appeared to be someone sitting in a lawn chair, about a hundred yards away. Johnny knew he had been spotted. It was a moonless night, as the clouds gathered, and he heard the distant rumble of thunder. Ben started walking cautiously toward him, trying to identify the stranger. Johnny took another drink.

“Johnny, is that you?”

Johnny did not answer, but waved a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels toward him. When Ben got close enough, Johnny could see the bewildered look on his face. It was no wonder. Johnny sat slouched in the chair wearing nothing but a baseball cap and a faded pair of shorts. His head was cocked over the back of the chair, and he was staring expressionless up at the sky. He looked like he was searching for something up there, something that continued to elude him.

“Johnny, what are you doing out here? What’s wrong, buddy? I thought we had an appointment with some good times tonight.”

Johnny’s head dropped and swiveled around to see Ben for the first time. He squinted then laughed. “Big Benny, hey man, when did you get here? How’d you like the music tonight? Was it great or what? Did you have a good time? You know you are a great friend, you really, really are.”

Ben shook his head. Johnny knew he had really gotten himself hammered in a hurry. His words were slurred and he squinted hard to focus on his buddy. Ben bent over and patted Johnny’s shoulder. “Okay, my man, looks like you decided to end your night a little early. Come on, let me help you get tucked back in the bus safe and sound.”

Ben reached down to help Johnny stand up, but Johnny resisted with a shrug. Ben loosened his grip and sat down next to Johnny. Both men knew that meant he was ready to ride it out with his drunken friend. It did not matter why they were there, or how long they would sit there. These were the times when true friendship was firmly established. Almost instantly, a light rain began to fall.

“Big Ben, you know behind all those clouds up there are a billion, no, no, a trillion stars in that big ole black sky. I came out here to see ’em tonight but can’t find ’em, man. I mean I know they are there, but I just can’t find ’em, you know.”

“Yea, I know, but these clouds are going to roll on out of here and then the stars will be right there for you. Like you said, you know they are there; they will be there for you. If not tonight, then tomorrow night they will come back, don’t worry. You just gotta have faith.”

“Ben, I got faith, you know I do. There is no way I could be here without faith. But, that’s not what I mean. It’s like, you know, everybody thinks I have it all, like I have it made. They think everything is easy for me. Do you know how many people tell me they would do anything to either be me or be with me?”

Johnny dropped his head and stared at the ground. He kicked a rock with his bare foot and did not care about the blood oozing from his wound. The rain became harder and washed his foot semi-clean. Johnny had never let anyone, except his beloved grandmother, see him so upset, so lost and distraught.

“I’m not following you, man. What does this have to do with anything? You have a great life. You worked hard for it and you deserve to enjoy it. I know no one knows how hard you work, because you make it look easy, like all professionals do. Just look at Michael Jordan. He makes it look effortless, and he works hard. Just like you, Johnny, the complete professional. That’s why it is okay to blow off the pressure sometimes. You’re going to be okay.” He patted Johnny’s knee to reassure him.

“Ben, Ben, Benny.” Johnny turned up the bottle and took a swig. “Where are my manners, man? Here, have some. It’s good stuff. Jack and I are as one sometimes.”

“That’s all right, you keep it. I think one of us definitely needs to stay sober tonight. Hey, bro, it’s really starting to come down out here. Are you about ready to call it a night?

“What’s wrong with you? The night is young and so are we. And this rain, man -- it is awesome, don’t you think? It’s like it washes all the impurities away, and lets us start fresh. Sometimes that’s what I wish I could do, start fresh. Maybe I could have done things a little differently. I have just given up so much for my music. And now everybody wants a piece of me, and sometimes I just got nothing left. I look at some of the other guys and their wives and I think wow, they really know how to hang on to love. I don’t think I know how to do that, Ben. It’s like everybody says they love me, but I’m still missing that one. You know that one that was meant for me. How do you find that one in the entire world that is right? That one that all the love songs are about? That one that makes you better, and makes you want to take another breath just because of them. I think I might have missed that one, like I turned a corner and went the wrong direction. Do you ever get this feeling that you have met that one, but just walked right on by because you were too busy doing what you were doing? God, I love my music but sometimes I don’t know if it is a gift from God, or a curse of the devil; two sides of the same coin my granddaddy used to say. You know, I never understood what that meant before. It just gives me so much, but it demands as much, maybe more.”

“Okay, I think you are talking out of your head now. You can have any girl you want. One day, when you have time to commit, you are not going to have any trouble finding the girl of your dreams. Meantime just enjoy the ride, bro, like we always do. It’s just not your time right now. Let it come to you; don’t press. Don’t make yourself crazy. It’s just not something you can pursue, not something all the hard work in the world will get you. That’s what makes it so hard for you, Johnny; it’s not something you can do anything about. You just always gotta keep your heart open and let it be. Come on, let’s get you out of the rain. You need to go sleep this off.”

“Ben, do you believe in God?” Johnny looked up pleadingly at Ben.

“Sure, I believe in God. It’d be crazy not to believe in God.”

“But what do you believe? I mean, is He punishing me because I blew any chance of real love with Kayla? Does He just give us one shot, and then does He just watch us mess up over and over again, and laugh at us?”

Ben ran his hand through his rain-soaked hair. Even drunk, Johnny was always his philosophical self. “Geez, Johnny, I don’t know. I guess I think He lets us make our own decisions. And if we do things that hurt other people or make them not believe in Him then I think He may punish us in some ways. But how are we supposed to know when it is Him punishing us, or it’s just something that is going to happen in life no matter what we do? I mean, good people go through tough times just as much as bad people do. Truth is, man, I guess I’ll never figure God out. I don’t think we are supposed to really – I mean He is God. But that doesn’t stop us from trying.”

“Do you try to talk to Him, Ben? You know, do you pray to Him?”

“Yea, I have. When things are really bad I think everyone prays, even people who say there is no God. You put them in a car that’s getting ready to go head on with a semi and they hit their knees too, buddy. And in a hurry at that.”

“I haven’t prayed in a long time. I used to a lot. My granny always told me to pray before every meal. And I used to pray for a break. I remember when I would thank Him for Kayla every day, every single day. Then I got what I asked for, and more, and I just stopped thinking about God. I think He is really mad at me, because I got what I wanted, and then just blew Him off.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, Johnny, but I do know we are not going to figure all of that out tonight. Let’s go; on your feet, man.”

Big Ben reached down and put both arms under Johnny’s armpits. He lifted him effortlessly and stood him on his feet. Johnny staggered forward and fell headlong into Big Ben’s chest. Ben threw his arms around him and patted his back.

“Okay, my man, let’s get you to the bus.”

By the time Ben managed to haul Johnny halfway to the bus, he stopped to rearrange the dead weight. The street light illuminated the two figures. Seeing Ben’s rain-soaked face, Johnny reached up and pulled Ben toward him. He kissed him on the cheek and slurred, “You are beautiful, big guy, but not my type.” Johnny laughed and love-tapped Ben’s right cheek.

Overcome by the alcoholic breath, Ben shook his head. Then he righted them both and placed Johnny’s arms over his shoulder. He stooped down to help Johnny walk. Johnny kept laughing and offered no help. It took some doing, but they covered the hundred yards and got on the bus.

“Well that took us as long to go that hundred as it takes you to run it, Johnny.”

“Oh come on now, don’t kick a guy when he is done, uh, I mean down,” Johnny hiccupped.

“You know I’m just kidding, J. I’d never kick you when you are down.”

“Yeah, well, just to make sure, take that.” Johnny gave Ben a good-natured shove that caught Ben off guard. He stumbled backwards and landed with a thud in a nearby bus seat. His big frame lodged uncomfortably in the under-sized space.

“Okay then,” he laughed. “It’s no bed of luxury, but I’ve slept in worse conditions. You owe me, especially when I wake up stiff in the morning.”

Big Ben kicked of his boots with finality. “Go sleep it off, Johnny. Everything will be better in the morning.”

Johnny half-staggered to the rear of the bus. “If you say so,” he said quietly over his shoulder.
And yes, my friend, I do owe you. God, if You are listening, and we have not made You too angry at us, we have a lot of questions down here. And we could really use some answers.

“Night, John Boy,” Ben yelled above the driving rain.

It was the last thing Johnny heard before he hit the bed. He was out cold, finally at peace, at least for this night. His friend Jack had done just what Johnny had asked of him – took away the pain, for now anyway.