Through His Grace (12 page)

Grace picked up a drawing of her own living room, spotting Lizzie’s rendition of Jim and Lisa in a photo prominently displayed on one wall. A crayon-colored outline of the house showed Jake and Lizzie playing soccer outside, with her parents watching them from the small attic window. Pictures of clouds with Jim and Lisa waving were common, too. Lizzie’s “family portrait” had their faces next to what Grace assumed were hers and Uncle Carl’s.

“I see.” Grace handed the artwork back.

“After showing them to you I have to ask: In your opinion do you think it’s healthy that she’s expressing her parents as still being such a part of her life?” Miss Byerly shut the file. “I’m wondering if it’s a sign that she’s in denial.”

“It’s not out of the question,” Grace admitted. “But I don’t believe that’s the case. I would ask you a few questions if I may.”

“Go ahead.”

“What has Lizzie told the other children about her parents?”

“I’ve heard her tell them a tornado took them up to heaven.”

“Does she say she does things with them?” Grace pressed forward. “Any stories about them taking her to the circus or coming home for a visit soon?”

“No.” The teacher leaned back in relief, obviously seeing where Grace was headed.

“In that case,” Grace concluded, “I would see these pictures as healthy—a way for Lizzie to express that, even though she misses her parents’ physical presence, she still feels their love. Their memory will always be a part of her life.”

“That makes sense to me.” She stood. “Why don’t we show you what Lizzie’s been learning?”

“Sounds great.” Grace pushed back her chair, only to have Miss Byerly stop.

“Oh, there was one more thing I wanted to ask you about, while you’re here.”

“Yes?”

“Who is this man Lizzie mentions all the time? She says he’s not a relative, but I gather you’re fairly close. I believe his name is Mr. Nichols?”

“Eric Nichols is a friend of the family,” Grace answered.

“I was certain Mr. Nichols was all but part of the family, to hear Lizzie talk. Stories about chicks and how he helped her grandpa move and was with you all when she got her hamster…” Miss Byerly’s voice trailed off.

“He works at the Curly Q Ranch in Lasso, for Sondra and Dylan Ward. The kids and I go there after church most Sundays. He’s been great with the kids—very kind.”
He’s also God-fearing, generous, hardworking, and handsome
, she tacked on silently.
And I don’t know exactly what role he plays in our lives, but it’s about time I found out
.

“What’s wrong?” Nickels walked over to where Grace was squinting at her car.

“Tire’s flat.” She gestured to the driver’s side rear. “I ran over a nail.”

“Sure did.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I can put the spare on.”

When Grace didn’t answer, he shifted his attention. The sun was setting—she and the kids had stayed late this Sunday— through dinner even. They’d been celebrating the fact that Matt started crawling on his own. Right now Jake was buckled in and snoozing in the backseat. Lizzie’s eyelids were heavy as she peered at them through the window.

“Thanks.” She headed for the trunk, accepting the inevitable. “Wait a minute.” He stopped her with his hand on her arm. “Why don’t I drive you and the kids back home tonight? Looks as if they’re beat. I’ll put on the spare in the morning and return your car.”

“I don’t know.” She caught the edge of her lower lip between her teeth. “Tomorrow is Columbus Day, so we don’t have school…would you mind?”

“Not a bit,” he assured her. “Let me go grab my keys.” When he came back out, he found Grace and the drowsy children waiting by his truck. He bundled them all inside, driving the short distance in silence.

“Thanks,” Grace whispered as she helped Lizzie out of the car and reached over as though to awaken Jake.

“I’ve got him.” Nickels slid the sleeping boy into his arms and followed the girls up the porch steps. “Where do you want me to put him?”

“On his bed—he’s tuckered out, and usually he’d be in bed about now,” Grace told him. “I’ll get Lizzie ready to sleep then wrestle him into his PJs.”

“Need any help?”

“No, but thanks for offering.” She hesitated. “There is something I’ve been meaning to talk with you about, though. Would you mind hanging around?”

“Sure.”
What can it be?
He lowered himself onto the top step while Grace got Lizzie ready for bed.

“This one?” Grace’s whisper carried.

“No, the one with the flowers,” Lizzie responded, probably picking out her nightgown.

“All right. Go brush your teeth while I take care of your brother.”

What does she want to talk about?
The refrain repeated in his mind.
In my experience it’s never a good thing when a woman says we need to talk. It definitely didn’t sound like she wanted to ask what kind of tires to buy
. Nickels heard water running and the sound of a toothbrush being used and suddenly wished he’d taken the time to brush his teeth after dinner.
Oh, well. It’s a good reason to keep my distance
.

“Dear God, thank You for today. We had fun.” Jake’s voice, slurred with sleep, floated down the hall before Lizzie finished the prayer with, “And please bless Auntie Grace and Grampa and Mr. Nichols and the Wards here in Lasso and Mommy and Daddy in heaven. Oh, and please heal our car tonight. Amen.”

“Amen,” Grace echoed. The rustle of sheets being pulled up made Nickels remember his own childhood. “Good night, Jake.” He assumed the boy was already sleeping again when Grace took Lizzie to her room.

“Sweet dreams, Lizzie.” The last upstairs light was turned off.

“I love you, Auntie Grace.” He could hear what sounded like a yawn from the little girl.

“I love you too, honey.” Grace tiptoed down the hall, stopping for a minute when she saw him. She put her finger to her lips and gestured for him to go downstairs while she followed.

At the end of the stairs she flicked on the porch light and led him to the swing. He settled in next to her, his discomfort growing by the minute.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked after a few minutes of tense silence.

“That’s kind of what I wanted to ask you.” Grace turned to face him.

“What do you mean?”
Lord, help me out here. I’m as lost as a poodle in a tiger’s cage
.

“Before I go on I want to tell you again how much I appreciate all the things you’ve done for Lizzie and Jake…for me.” She offered a faint smile. “I’ve no doubt God sent you to make the transition easier on all of us.”

“I’ve enjoyed every minute.” He gathered her hand in his.

“I was talking with Lizzie’s teacher at Back-to-School Night.” She was staring at their joined hands, but he didn’t feel a bit like letting go. “Lizzie talks about you a lot. I tried to explain that you’re a close family friend….” Her voice trailed off uncertainly.

“Yes,” he encouraged.

“But she had the impression there was…more to it.” Grace swallowed and plunged ahead. “I wouldn’t mind if it was just a friendship, if it was just me. But with Lizzie and Jake I have to be more discerning.” She squared her shoulders. “Right now the kids and I see you multiple times per week. They’re used to having you around as an almost daily part of their lives. They see you as much or more than they see their grandfather.”

“That’s fine by me.” He rubbed his thumb across the sensitive skin on the back of her hand.

“It’s not fine with me.” She pulled her hand away. “Lizzie and Jake have lost too many loved ones. It’s not fair to them to have you be such an integral part of their day-to-day lives if you won’t always be there.”

“What makes you think I won’t be?” He reached for her hand again, but she moved away.

“There it is—the real question.” She turned toward him. “Why are you spending all of your free time with a single woman raising two children?”

“I care for you.”
They seem like such little words to cover such a big feeling
.

“Lizzie and Jake need a man in their lives.”

“So do you.” He moved closer and cupped her face with his palm.

“I need to know…do you intend to be that man?” Tears sparked in her eyes. “It’s a lot of pressure to put on you, but for the kids I have to know if you’ll always be there for them.”

“I…”
want to say yes, but I don’t know if I’ve truly given my past to God so that I’m able to make a commitment
. Regret welled inside his chest as he told her the truth. “I can’t make any promises, Grace.”

“I understand.” She swiped at the tears. “From now on I think it’s best if we just see each other at church or the Curly Q. Good night, Eric.” With that she slipped into the house.

And away from me
.

Grace sagged onto her couch, longing to pray out the anguish she felt.

Lord, I think I’m following Your will on this, but it’s so hard. Why?
Why—when she had accepted that a husband was not in His plan for her and that Lizzie and Jake would be her family—did it seem the Lord had changed her perception? He apparently brought Eric to the very door she had just closed on him. She’d tried not to, but she had begun to care for him as more than a friend—surely he felt it, too. If she were the only one involved she would take things slowly and rejoice in it. Must she give up her chance at love to protect the precious children God had entrusted her with? Her home was filled with people she loved—why did she feel so alone?

The tears came again, in full this time. Grace wrapped her arms around her knees and let them fall. What started as hurt over Eric unleashed the tears she hadn’t shed since she had come home and discovered the world had changed.

Jim, her favorite cousin. He’d hide in closets and jump out to scare her then tickle her fears away. Her friend Mary had had a crush on him forever, and for the longest time Grace had hoped he’d see Mary the same way. But it wasn’t in God’s plan. Lisa moved to town—Grace had met her at Bible study. Her warm smile and sugary popcorn balls had healed a world of minor hurts as she became like family. Grace had introduced her to Jim and saw firsthand how deep their connection became. She was maid of honor at their wedding and smiled as they pledged themselves to each other in love until death did they part.

She bit her knuckle to stifle her sobs, not wanting to wake the children.

Death came so soon for them
, she continued in her prayerful talk with God.
Too soon for the ones they left behind. Jim and Lisa didn’t part from one another, and it comforts me that they’re together with You. But for the rest of us—Uncle Carl, Jake, Lizzie, me
—
we’re left with a Jim-and-Lisa-shaped hole in our lives and hearts. They gave so much while they were with us; I can’t help but wonder how much more they could have accomplished for You here on earth before You took them home
. She missed them. When she said good-bye before she left for Guatemala, she’d had no idea it would be the last time she would ever see them. If only she’d known—she hadn’t even been there for the funeral.

She groped for the tissues on her coffee table and blew her nose.

She hadn’t been there for Lizzie and Jake. If she could have done one thing to honor their memory and care for their legacy, it would have been helping their children through that difficult time. And Uncle Carl…she’d heard it said that grief over outliving one’s child was the most difficult to come to terms with. Jim’s passing had come not so long after that of his mother. Uncle Carl had had no time to reckon with the stages of grief before he took Lizzie and Jake to care for them. She knew his loss had been compounded when the children were taken away. It devastated all of them, and only now, months later, were the tattered remains of this family knitting together.

Grace rocked back and forth, praying through the anger, despair, and helplessness she’d kept at bay for months. And when she thought she’d spent all her tears she remembered the regret traced on Eric’s face as he gave her the only thing he could—honesty—and she’d returned it in full measure.

After the way Eric gentled this transition, helped me find my place in the community, and supported Lizzie and Jake more than I had any right to expect…this seems so abrupt. Lord, why does protecting my fledgling family against future heartbreak make me more vulnerable to the same?

Ending her prayer, Grace felt she needed the warmth of a friend and confidante. She picked up the telephone and dialed Mary’s number.

“Hello?” Her friend’s cheerful greeting raised Grace’s spirits.

“Mary? It’s Grace. Would you mind coming over tonight? I need to talk out some things.”

“I’ll be there in less than an hour.” Mary paused. “Do I need to bring chocolate?”

“Your advice is what I’m after,” Grace responded. “But it couldn’t hurt.”

“Gotcha. You put on some tea, and I’ll be there before you know it.”

“Thanks, Mary. See you soon.” After she hung up, Grace went to splash cold water on her puffy face.

I look as awful as I feel
, she observed in the mirror.
And Eric—how must he feel? Mary will listen to me, pray with me, and remind me of Your love. But men don’t deal with things the same way we do. Eric made his decision, but I don’t think it was easy for him either. Lord, please be with him now
.