Three Way (27 page)

‘Yeah, everything went great,’ I reply, with a needless amount of sarcasm.

‘Am I missing something?’

‘Loyalty,’ I say under my breath.

‘Huh?’

‘Okay, I’m going to ask you something and I’d appreciate the truth.’

‘Sounds heavy, can I have my coffee first?’ he asks. What the hell do I say to that? No?

‘Fine,’ I say. The kettle boils, I pour the water into the mugs. We stand saying nothing to each other.

‘Well…this is awkward,’ he says.

‘Are you friends with someone called Rupert Gilbert?’ I ask. He stares at me, blinks, then after what feels like an age, he sighs.

‘Yeah,’ he replies, looking down.

‘Who is he?’

‘Fuck I knew this would happen. I told her-’

‘Try telling me, huh?’ I say, trying to reign in my anger.

‘Okay, look I met him at this party ages ago. He knew Svetla-’

‘How?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe he worked with her or…I don’t know.’

‘And?’

‘And she introduced me to him and we sort of got on. He owns a Harley dude. But…obviously that’s not important. Svetla left to talk to other people and I was sort of stuck with him but he was cool, you know.’

‘Okay, but why are you still hanging out with them?’ I ask.

‘I dunno man. I just…he’s cool. I should have told you but I knew you’d go nuts so…I won’t see either of them ever again if that’s what you want,’ he says. I breathe in. It’s fine. So what if she’s going out with someone Parker happens to know and like. She’s single, she can go out with anyone she wants I suppose.

‘Well, it has been six months, she was always going to meet someone else eventually, I guess,’ I say.

‘Yeah, just a bit of an arse they met when you guys were still together.’

‘What? Jesus Christ, Parker-’

‘I know. I should have said something but you and Svetla were having a really bad time of it back then. Just before you split up, remember? You were arguing and shouting at each other and I didn’t want to make it worse. I sort of told myself, I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t shagging him. Maybe I’d misunderstood.’

‘So, this is who she’s with now?’

‘I’m not sure-’

‘Don’t bullshit me,’ I say. He looks to the ceiling and puts his hands on top of his head.

‘Yes,’ he replies. I stare at him, unable to speak. Rage courses through me. The fact he even knows this, tells me all sorts of things. My best friend has been keeping the biggest secret from me. That my girlfriend and some guy were shagging around behind my back. My best friend thought he didn’t need to tell me. My best friend, who’s also ‘friends’ with said shagger. I try to think of something to say that I won’t regret but find myself wondering why exactly this guy is my best friend.

‘Where is she?’ I ask.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Where’s she staying?’

‘Mate, I don’t think-’

‘I don’t give a shit what you think, where the fuck are they living? You must know, you’re friends on Facebook, so cough it up,’ I say.

‘It doesn’t have addresses on Facebook,’ he replies, quietly. I glare at him, eyes on fire. ‘Shepherd’s Bush. He owns a house on Brackenbury Road.’

‘Number?’

‘Mate, don’t do this. Just leave her alone-’

‘What’s the fucking number?!’ I shout, shaking with anger. He’s shocked at my tone. So am I, but I’m so furious I can barely control myself.

‘I don’t know! It’s a big blue house at the end of the street, it’s obvious. Mate I-’

I turn and storm out of the flat before he can say anything further. I stomp along Northcote road towards Clapham Junction. Thoughts smack me as I walk. How long were they shagging whilst she was with me? When did she decide to leave me for him?

I turn the corner and up St John’s Hill to the main entrance of Clapham Junction station. I slam my Oyster card on the reader and head through the barrier, marching towards the Overground platform. The train takes what feels like an age to arrive. I jump on and even though there are plenty of seats, I stand. I try not to let my thoughts form into sentences or questions. I stare out of the window as the train moves off towards Shepherds Bush. Houses and trees trundle past. We ride over the Thames, in the distance I see Battersea Power Station. Four massive cooling towers are all that remain of the ugly shell of a building.

By the time we pull into Shepherd’s Bush station I’m standing next to the doors. They open and I’m away. I get out my iPhone and type in Brackenbury Road into the map. It’s a twenty minute walk. Fine. Whatever it takes. I head west, following my iPhone.

In a record fifteen minutes, I round the corner of Brackenbury Road and start looking for a blue house. Parker said it was at the end. I walk down the street and come across...a big blue Georgian terraced house. I look up. Stone steps lead up to a blue door. It’s three storeys and it has a basement with a window. Every house along this road looks the same. There’s a window box with pink flowers under the first floor window. I walk up the steps and bang on the door. I hear someone coming, and ready myself. The door opens and a man steps out in front of me. He wears wire-thin glasses, a dressing gown and slippers. He also has a half smoked cigarette in his mouth and a bowl of cereal in his hand. He looks like a drug addict with zero prospects. This is the guy she left me for?

‘Can I help you?’ he asks, politely.

‘Does someone called Svetla live here?’ I ask. He eyes me suspiciously.

‘Yeah. Who are you?’ he asks, frowning. From behind him, I hear her voice.

‘Who is it?’ she asks, suddenly appearing at the door. Her surprise is clear when she sees me. ‘Ollie? What are you doing here?’

‘I thought we’d have a chat,’ I say, calmer than even I thought possible. Rupert glances at Svetla seemingly unsure whether he has to fight me or not.

‘You shouldn’t be here,’ she says, moving past Rupert. She wears tracky bottoms and a hoodie with a worn Thundercat logo. The hoodie she used to wear when we had days off together.

‘I just want to know how long it was going on for,’ I say.

‘Shh,’ she whispers, turning back.

‘Listen mate, I know it’s hard-,’ Rupert starts to say.

‘I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to Svetla,’ I say, my heart about ready to burst.

‘Rupert, just let me handle this, okay. Go inside. Please,’ she says. He looks at me and shrugs, taking another spoonful of cereal. I watch him go, buoyed by this smallest of victories.

‘Let me get some shoes and we’ll go around the corner, okay?’ she says. I roll my eyes but say nothing. I’m not the sort of arsehole that makes people walk around with no shoes on, even if the person is my cheating whore of an ex.

She reappears at the door and steps out, closing it behind her.

‘Let’s go,’ she says. I follow her as we walk away from the stupid blue house. Who paints their house blue anyway?

‘So?’ I say, after fifty yards.

‘Did Parker tell you?’

‘Doesn’t matter who told me, just tell me you weren’t screwing around with dealer boy there whilst you were still with me.’

‘He’s not a dealer. We just got up.’

‘Were you?’ I ask. We stop walking, she turns to face me.

‘Look Ollie-’

‘No. I want the truth.’

‘Yes. Okay, yes.’ Her words cut straight into me. I involuntarily step back, I think I might be sick. ‘We were miserable. Don’t you remember? We went days where you barely even acknowledged me.’ I can’t believe what I’m hearing, I sort of believed…hoped that this was some sort of misunderstanding. I know there was overwhelming evidence but even so. She looks at me, her worried expression almost passing for convincing. ‘I’m not excusing what I did,’ she says. ‘I should have just left but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave you. You mean more to me than anyone. And leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m still not completely over it, even now.’ I pick up on that last part. She’s still not over me. Good. I hope you never are. ‘Should I have done it sooner? Yes. Should I have been fairer to you? Yes, I should. But there are two people here. Two people that made mistakes. I’m willing to accept my part but you’ve got to accept yours.’

‘Yeah right. I didn’t fuck someone else though,’ I say. She looks down and sighs.

‘You want revenge? You want to hurt me? Say the things you want to say and go. Maybe we both need some finality here.’

‘Big word. Rupert teach you that?’ I say. She glares at me, then her eyes relax and she smiles.

‘Say what you want. I never stopped loving you. And you know what’s really sad about all this, what’s so pathetic on my part. I still do. I still bloody love you. Even after all the shit you put me through. What kind of a person does that?’ A tear rolls down her cheek, she brushes it away. I won’t let her get to me. She has questions to answer. But look at her. She’s beaten. What am I supposed to do now, carry on? Have her run off? Think of me as an even bigger arsehole. She’s right, I drove her away. I’ve got as far as admitting that to myself. Maybe I did deserve this.

‘I hate that you can still do this to me. It’s pathetic,’ she says. My breathing is calmer now, although my heart is thumping like it’s trying escape from my chest. I look at her. The girl I once loved. The girl I can’t let go. This one person who showed me everything I know about love and the meaning of being close to someone. Reduced to this. What a waste.

‘And Parker?’ I ask.

‘He kept telling me to tell you. I just couldn’t…find the moment. He said you’d find out, that I wasn’t being fair. He even threatened to tell you himself. I persuaded him not to. Just to let things be as they were. We were practically split up anyway. What was the point of making things worse?’

I lean against a wall and look up at the sky. What a karzi.

‘So this Rupert guy. Do you love him?’

‘I don’t hate him. And I didn’t have a place to stay so…thought it made sense but…we’re quite different. He’s got a kid. Not sure I’m ready for all that. She’s such a little brat as well.’ I smile. We say nothing for a moment. A thought enters my mind, a stupid, immature question I mustn’t ask.

‘What about the sex?’ I ask. She looks up, confusion on her face.

‘Are you kidding?’ she asks.

‘No.’

‘All this, and you want to know if he’s better in bed?’

‘Yeah, I think I have a right to know. Maybe that was the real reason you left.’

‘I just told you it wasn’t.’

‘Yeah well, you would say that. I mean, what you going to say, ‘sorry Ollie, Rupert’s a fucking porn star in the sack?’ She frowns at me then shakes her head.

‘Well?’ I say. Another tear runs down her face.

‘No, Ollie. I loved you. You were my first and my most special. You think someone like Rupert can come anywhere close.’ She sighs. ‘I’m tired Ollie. Tired of this, tired of you. I think it would be best for the both of us if you just left me alone.’ I take a step back, suddenly everything is very real. I feel panicked by her words.

‘Right, so this is it?’

‘No,’ she says. ‘It was ‘it’ six months ago. Neither of us has had the courage to admit it. I’m done. With all of it.’ She turns and starts heading back towards the house.

‘Hang on, where you going?’ I ask. She turns back to me.

‘Fuck off Ollie. I mean it. Leave me the fuck alone,’ she shouts back to me. I hear her voice tremble on the last word. In the entire time we were together, Svetla had never sworn like that. I watch her go, helpless. I want desperately to stop her but she’s made herself clearer than ever before. Leave her alone.

The journey back from Shepherd’s Bush seems to take forever. A thousand memories fly through me, each presenting itself in absolute clarity before being replaced by another equally painful, happy snapshot with Svetla. All those moments. All those special times dissolved to shit. Memories that now leave a sour taste. Somehow even the arguments seem preferable to this. I feel drained, empty and desperately sad. It’s all I can do to stop myself from breaking down in the middle of the street. Svetla, out of my life forever.

I get to the station and swipe my Oyster card. I stand on the platform staring down at the track, in a trance. I just can’t believe it. Somewhere, I guess I thought, maybe we’d…I don’t know what I thought.