Thoughtless (52 page)

I’d felt guilty before, but nothing quite as strong as pure betrayal. It took me by surprise, but I firmly pushed it back. I couldn’t think about that yet. For right now, Denny was my boyfriend, but, I suppose…Kellan was too.

What do I do? This decision suddenly overwhelmed my now simple seeming question of where to spend winter break. Can’t I just go back to worrying about that instead?

I lied down on the couch to ponder it…and didn’t wake up until it was time to catch the bus for work. Oops, so much for school today. I needed to be more careful, or I was going to lose my precious scholarship. Luckily, I was still very good at schoolwork, even if I was slacking off on attendance.

Jenny pulled me aside as I came into Pete’s awhile later. “So, you and Kellan…?”

I smiled and wiped away a sudden tear. He hadn’t come home in time to give me a ride to work, and I already missed him. “He’s in love with me, Jenny…deeply in love.” To the bottom of his soul deep. To the, ‘I’ve never felt this for anyone’ deep. It was overwhelming to think about.

She hugged me. “I’m glad he told you…you should know the truth.

You should make an informed decision.”

I pulled back and stared at her, terrified. “What do I do? I love Denny.

I can’t bear hurting him. I can’t bear hurting Kellan either. I don’t know what to do?”

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She sighed and patted my arm. “I can’t tell you that, Kiera. You have to figure it out on your own.” She looked over at some customers just sitting down in her section and made a step towards them before stopping and looking back at me. “You do have to choose though.” She smiled reassuringly and patted my back as she walked away.

Kellan didn’t come in that night. He didn’t come home that night. That was when worry settled in on me. When that cycle repeated the next night , that was when panic settled in on me. When the cycle repeated yet again the next night , that was when despair settled in on me.

Four achingly long days went by without a trace of him…

Every morning, I came downstairs, expecting to find Kellan sitting at the table, looking flawless and drinking his coffee, greeting me with a sexy half-smile and a ‘Mornin’. But every morning, he wasn’t there, and tears filled my eyes at his absence. Before school, I would grab his band’s t-shirt (that I still never wore) and held it tight to me, breathing in his scent, wondering where he was and what he was doing. Every night that I worked, I waited impatiently for the band to stroll in, and every night, Matt and Griffin would walk in, disagreeing about something, but never with Kellan. At night, I would get up after Denny fell asleep and lie on his empty bed, clutching his pillow.

Panic flared in me. Did he leave? Was that his solution? To just skip town and run away without me? I couldn’t even ask the band where he was. I couldn’t form the words around them, and they never talked about him…not once. I felt empty without him.

Every day, I sank more and more into a melancholy depression. I was cooler to Denny. He tried to cheer me up, but it didn’t work. He tried to get me to talk to him, but that didn’t work either. He tried to kiss me, and I’d turn away after a brief obligatory peck. Eventually my mood seeped into him, and he stopped trying to please me. There was no point at trying to anyway. Nothing was going to please me. Denny never directly asked the reason for my mood though…not once. It was almost like he was afraid to ask, which was good, because I was afraid of him asking.

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It was a dreary Friday morning when I glumly kissed Denny goodbye for work. My kiss was automatic and had no feeling behind it. He looked at me sadly and swallowed. I tensed, waiting for the questioning words that would slice me open.

“Kiera…I…I love you.” He ran a finger down my cheek tenderly, and I could see his eyes glisten. I knew he felt our distance, I felt it too.

“I love you too, Denny,” I whispered, begging my eyes to not well up.

He leaned in and kissed me tenderly, running his fingers back through my hair.

I brought my hands along his jaw, trying to ignore my disappointment that his had a light hairline, and wasn’t smooth like Kellan’s. I ran my hands through his hair, trying to not care that his was shorter, and I couldn’t curl it around my fingers like Kellan’s. I intensified our kiss, willing my breath to quicken, willing for his lips, so different from Kellan’s, to thrill me, willing our old passion to spark. It didn’t.

He pulled away after a moment, his breath as slow and relaxed as mine. “I have to go…I’m sorry.” His sad eyes watched me for a second, and then he turned and left. I couldn’t hold back the few tears that spilt down my cheeks. Was it too late for us?

Kellan had been gone for so long, my need for him was so great, my grief so strong, that it felt like a hole had been punched straight through my stomach. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was choking the life out of Denny’s and my relationship. I just didn’t know how to stop it. He had just left…disappeared. I’d had no time to prepare, no final goodbye…no closure. It was killing me.

I sullenly made my way upstairs to the bathroom, to get ready for school. My world may be ending, but life drudgingly continued. I dressed. I brushed my hair. I put on makeup. I did all the things expected of me to look normal for a normal day of school…and I hated every second of it. I wanted to curl up on my bed and sob for hours. Sob over missing Kellan. Sob over what Denny and I had become. I exhaled loudly and swallowed back the threatening tears.

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Yes, he was gone…deal with it, I berated myself. He was right to leave.

Eventually things will get easier. Maybe Denny will never ask…if Kellan never comes back.

I opened the door slowly with that painful thought in my head, and then stopped breathing. Kellan was just climbing up the top step, his eyes on the floor. He looked up when he heard the door and slowly smiled a heart stopping half-grin. He was spectacular. Nearly a week without seeing him had softened my memory of just how attractive he was. His hair, wavy and wild, was just begging for my fingers to run through it. The enticing way his long-sleeved t-shirt clung to his body, was just asking for my fingers to trace every amazing line. His smooth, strong jaw, was an open invitation for my lips, and his full lips, curled in a smile, were still keeping my breath at bay. But most amazing of all –

his impossibly deep blue eyes, glowing with love and adoration…for me.

“Mornin’,” he said softly, in his typical greeting.

I ran over to him as he started walking towards me, and threw my arms around him. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and let the tears I had been holding back flow. “I thought you left.” I managed between sobs, while he pulled me tight against him. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

He rubbed my back while I cried. “I’m sorry, Kiera. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I needed…to take care of something,” he whispered comfortingly.

Pulling back, I smacked him in the chest. “Don’t ever do that again!” He smiled and put a hand on my cheek. “Don’t leave me like that…” I let the thought trail off as I gazed at his suddenly pained eyes.

“I wouldn’t, Kiera. I wouldn’t just…disappear,” he said softly, stroking my cheek.

Without thinking of the consequences, I blurted out what I had been holding back for so long. “I love you.” His eyes watered instantly. He closed them, and twin tears ran down his cheeks. I brushed them away with my fingertips. He probably had never heard anyone say that…and
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truly mean it. And I did. With every part of my soul, I meant it. “I love you…so much.”

He opened his eyes, more tears falling. “Thank you. You don’t know how much I’ve wanted… How long I’ve waited…” He couldn’t finish his thought, as I leaned in and kissed him warmly, tenderly. He immediately returned my soft kiss, bringing his other hand up to cup my other cheek. Still tenderly kissing, I pulled him gently by his neck into his bedroom. Our lips barely pausing, we undressed each other silently. As I stood naked before him, he pulled back to look at me, his eyes overflowing with warmth and love.

“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, running his hand through my hair.

He brought his lips back to my smiling ones, and gently eased me down to his bed. We explored each other’s bodies in unhurried and un-pressured ways, like we’d never been together before. There were no walls between us, no barriers to hold us back. We both finally knew how the other felt. We both knew that this time, this was about love.

We took our time, our fingers and lips tracing and teasing, and discovering new ways to touch the other. I listened to the sounds he made when I kissed him in the soft spot below his ear, when my fingers moved over the scar along his ribs. The delightful groan he made when my tongue trailed along the deep V of his abdomen. He studied the noises I made as he kissed my collar bone, as he gently tugged at a nipple with his teeth. My cries as he ran his tongue over my sensitive flesh, tasting what he was about to be taking.

When we could both endure no more, he moved over me and slowly adjusted my thigh up his hip. His gaze lingered along my skin, following the lines and curves, followed shortly after by his hand. When his eyes met mine again, they were filled with such love and passion, that I had to painfully bite my lip. Not out of desire, although I surely felt that too, but to assure myself that this moment was no vivid dream. That this perfection before me was real…and mine.

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Never taking his glorious eyes from mine, he, almost painfully slow, slid into me. We both closed our eyes, overwhelmed by the magnitude of emotion and sensation at finally being together again. I reopened my eyes first and lightly grabbed his cheek.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He opened his eyes to gaze at me again. “I love you, so much,” he whispered back.

And then we did something that we had never done before, something that maybe Kellan had never done before – we made love. It wasn’t a drunken rollick. It wasn’t burning passion and hot, fiery need. It was so much more. He clenched my hand the entire time, as we experienced something wondrous and intense together. He whispered how much he loved me, when he could speak through the emotion of it. I whispered it to him, whenever I could. There was no doubt, there was no fear, and there was no guilt. Our hips rocked together and apart in perfect unison, speeding and slowing at the same precise moment, like we were one person, and not two. And even though I could tell he was ready before me, he held off his climax, until we could come together. When we did, it was glorious and intense and perfect. He cried out my name and I found myself responding with his.

Afterwards, he pulled me to his chest, his whole body lightly shaking.

I listened to his heartbeat gently slow in rhythm with mine, as a few tears rolled down my cheek. Not tears of guilt this time, but tears of joy, for the immense love I felt for him, mixed with tears of sorrow that our time together wouldn’t last, that we had only a few more precious moments together. He knew it too. Looking up at his face, I saw the exact same look of joy and sorrow reflected in his glistening eyes.

“I love you,” he said softly.

“I love you too,” I said right back, kissing him softly.

He closed his eyes and a tear escaped, trickling down his cheek. I wiped it away. “What are you thinking about?” I asked timidly.

“Nothing,” he replied, keeping his eyes closed.

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I lifted my head higher to look at him more closely. He opened his eyes and gazed back at me. “I’m trying to not think about anything,” he said softly. “It hurts too much when I think…” I bit my lip and nodded, very sorry that I had even asked. “I love you,” I said again.

He nodded sadly. “Just not enough…not enough to leave him?” I closed my eyes and choked back a sob. I had hoped he wouldn’t ask me that… wouldn’t
ever
ask me that. He ran his hand down my hair.

“It’s okay, Kiera. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Kellan, I’m so sorry…” I started to say, but he put a finger on my lips.

“Not today.” He smiled warmly and pulled me in for a kiss. “Not today…okay?”

I nodded, then kissed him back. I pulled away after a moment. “Do you think…? If we had never, that first time…would the three of us just be close friends?”

He smiled as he interpreted what I was trying to say. “If you and I had never gotten drunk and had sex, would we all be living happily ever after right now?” I nodded and he thought for a second, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. “No…you and I were always more than just friends.

“ He stroked my cheek lovingly with his thumb. “One way or another, we would have ended up right here anyway.”

I nodded and looked down at his chest beneath me. He stroked my arm for awhile, watching me, and then softly asked, “Do you regret it?” I looked back up at his pained eyes. “I regret being horrible to Denny.” He nodded and looked away from me. I gently placed a hand on his cheek and forced him to look at me again. “I don’t regret a single second that I spent with you.” I smiled wryly at him. “No time spent with you is wasted.” He smiled at his line repeated back to him and pulled me in for a kiss that quickly became deeper and deeper.

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I didn’t go to school that day. I didn’t leave his bed that day. I couldn’t…there was nowhere else I needed to be.

Kellan said goodbye to me an hour before Denny was to be home from work. My eyes instantly watered, and he cupped both of my cheeks in his hands and kissed my eyelids.

“I’ll be at Pete’s tonight. I’ll see you there, okay?” I nodded wordlessly and he gave me a final tender kiss before walking out the door. My heart ached as I watched him leave. Our afternoon together had been…beyond words. My heart was more torn than ever.

Jenny’s words came back to me - ‘
You do have to choose…you can’t keep
them both’
. I just didn’t know how to let either one go.

Denny came home a bit earlier than usual, looking very tired. He came over to where I was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at a show on TV. He sat down beside me and I looked over to his sad, beautiful face. I instantly felt a wave of guilt. It overcame me, and I broke down in sobs.