This Side of Heaven (20 page)

TWENTY

T
he twitches and rapid heartbeats were happening more often, constant fleshly reminders that she had to play it straight. Very straight. At least until the settlement came. Maria looked at the glowing red numbers on the table next to her bed. Seven-fifteen. She sat on the edge of her bed and stretched her arms over her head. Life had become crazy and she had no idea how to handle the pressure. At least not sober.

Maria had an attorney now, someone Freddy had recommended. The attorney was his idea after a call from Thomas Flynn last Thursday telling her that Josh’s family was fighting for the money. Of all the nerve. Savannah was Josh’s only kid, his only heir, as Josh’s lawyer liked to say. The case should be open-and-shut, and three months from now she and Savannah should be sitting in the lap of luxury. That’s what her attorney said. He’d found out the numbers Thomas wouldn’t tell her during that first phone call: a cool two million dollars. That’s what she and her baby girl stood to win if things went right. Two million. Josh had finally reached the big time. He’d gotten himself hit by a rich drunk driver, and now the payout was weeks away.

Maria picked up the business card on the table next to the alarm clock. “Harry Dreskin, Attorney-at-Law,” the card read. Harry was a good guy. He worked out of a tiny office on the Upper West Side. Maria had met with him twice already and as far as she could tell Harry was beside himself to be working on a respectable case like hers. Helping his client rope in a settlement for a kid without a father? What could be more honest and good than that?

Harry didn’t want money up front, which made him the perfect lawyer. But he’d hinted around that a little bedroom action could cut his fees quite a bit once the settlement came. Maria was mildly interested, but she turned him down because mothers—real mothers like the ones she saw playing with their kids in the park—didn’t sleep with men as a way of bringing down the cost of legal fees, or rent, or blow, or anything else.

Maria thought about the day ahead. She and Savannah couldn’t sit around Freddy’s place. Not today. They had to clean it and get lost. Freddy had a business deal with a group of characters who scared even Maria. After that, more scary was the trip she had to take to Denver tomorrow. First time she’d flown anywhere since the junket to Vegas eight years ago.

The trip was part of this new fight for the money, naturally. Her attorney said it would take some time since they couldn’t afford the airfare and would have to borrow a car and drive to Colorado, so Josh’s attorney bought tickets for her and Savannah. He was even going to put them up in a fancy hotel—a Holiday Inn with a free breakfast. The trip wasn’t the scary part. The reason she was going, that’s what made her afraid. Some judge in Denver said she had to come and testify about Savannah being Josh’s daughter, and how come she never let Josh visit her.

She’d come up with one lie after another since she got news of the trip. The attorney would ask her why she hadn’t let Savannah see Josh, and she would smile sweetly and say, “I gave Josh the chance to see his daughter, but he wasn’t interested.” Maria’s heart picked up speed. No, maybe that lie wouldn’t work. Josh’s family probably knew how hard he’d tried to see Savannah.

She bit her lip. There was the other lie. “I gave Josh the chance to spend time with his daughter, but he could never afford to make the trip.” Again, she would give the attorney her sweetest smile. “I kept hoping he’d find a way to visit us, to connect with Savannah, but it never happened.”

Somehow between today and Wednesday—two days from now—she would have to come up with something solid, a believable story that would prove she hadn’t intentionally kept Savannah from her father. Otherwise, there could be some question as to whether Savannah should be his rightful heir.

She reached out her toe and nudged Savannah’s foot. “Wake up, sleepy. It’s a new day.” Maria’s heart was still racing, her right eye still twitching just beneath her lower lashes. Every part of her body screamed for a drink or a hit—anything to dull the anxiety closing in around her. But even so, she silently congratulated herself at the way she talked to Savannah just now. She almost sounded like a real mother.

Savannah sat up and moved her blankets to the corner of the room, far enough beneath the desk that they were out of sight. “ ’Morning, Mama.” She yawned and blinked a few times. “Is there breakfast today?”

The question frustrated Maria. “When have we missed breakfast? Not for two weeks now, right?” Maria started to roll her eyes but she caught herself. Harry told her that the attorneys for Josh’s family would probably put everyone breathing on the witness stand. That meant some stranger could come sniffing around asking Savannah what sort of mother she had, and whether Savannah was happy living with Maria.

If she was going to be in charge of the girl’s two million dollars, then Maria didn’t want a single doubt about whether her daughter would tell the lawyers she was happy. Happy and well fed. Maria led the way out of the bedroom. They needed to clean the place today. Freddy’s orders. Keep Savannah happy, keep enough food in the kitchen, pay the rent, clean the place. So much to worry about. Maria walked to the cupboard and pulled out a box of Cap’n Crunch. The pressure would be a lot easier to handle if she could drink just a little. A swig of whiskey now and then.

They were finished with breakfast and halfway through the cleaning job when the phone rang. Normally, Maria avoided Freddy’s phone, but since the whole settlement thing had come up, she didn’t miss a call. She picked it up on the second ring and reminded herself to use her best motherly voice. “Hello?”

“Maria, it’s Harry.”

“Hey.” She relaxed. “I got Flynn’s package in the mail. I’m all set for tomorrow’s trip to Denver.”

“Right, well, that’s why I’m calling. I filed a motion with the court and the judge thinks he can resolve the case without your testimony.”

Maria’s eye stopped twitching. “What does that mean?”

“It means you don’t have to fly to Denver.” He allowed only a quick break in between sentences. “That’s not saying you won’t have to fly out some other time to testify, but for now you can stay home. We’ll be talking to the judge and I’ll call you later this week.”

The thrill of victory rushed through Maria’s veins like a drug. “Well, that’s the best news of the day.”

“I’m sure it is. I’ll be in touch.” When he hung up, she eyed the whiskey bottle tucked back in the corner of the kitchen counter. “Savannah?”

“Yes, Mama?” Her voice came from the bathroom upstairs. “Do you need something?”

“Are you almost finished up there?”

“No.” Her voice sounded closer and there was the sound of her feet on the stairs. When she was in sight, she gave Maria a nervous look. “I still have to wash the windows and the sink.”

“Okay.” Maria gave a lighthearted laugh. “Just checking. I want to make sure we have plenty of time in the park later. Plus Freddy has that meeting here.”

“I’ll hurry.” Savannah’s eyes were wide with concern as she hurried back up the stairs.

Maria waited until she heard the girl working in the bathroom again, then she grabbed the whiskey bottle and jerked the top from the glass neck. Being sober was one thing, but no one would know if she took a small drink. How else could she celebrate the attorney’s great news? Whatever had happened between the two lawyers, Harry Dreskin had clearly won this first battle. She didn’t need to fly to Denver, which meant she didn’t need to lie about letting Josh see Savannah.

This legal thing was a breeze, and one day soon she’d get a check in the mail for two million dollars. She held the bottle of golden liquid to her nose and breathed deep. The whiskey smelled wonderful. She could feel herself relaxing just from the intoxicating scent of it. She glanced up at the stairs one more time and reminded herself to hurry. She couldn’t have Savannah find out she’d been drinking again. Even Harry Dreskin told her to stay clean if she wanted the money.

This was different, though. She had a reason to celebrate, and besides, no one would ever know. She put the bottle to her lips and took a small sip. The liquid felt smooth and seductive on her tongue, and it burned deliciously as it slid down her throat. She took another sip and another. Already the alcohol was spreading through her, warming her and slowing her heart rate. She needed this—she deserved it. But if she was going to soothe her cravings she needed more than a few quick gulps. Who knew when she’d have the chance to drink again?

Once more she looked for Savannah, listened for her footsteps. When she was sure the girl wasn’t going to catch her, she turned the bottle bottom side up and guzzled several long swigs. Enough so that she’d really feel it. Then she quick twisted the top back on and slid the bottle back to its place on the counter. The dizzying euphoria flooded through her, over her. This was the life, filling herself with warm, welcoming whiskey and having all day ahead to enjoy the feeling.

She finished tidying the kitchen, cleaning the counters and sweeping the floors. She wasn’t quite steady on her feet, but that part would wear off before they left the apartment. Maria remembered the routine, even if it had been a while.

Savannah came down after a while and for a long moment she studied Maria. Finally, a nervous laugh came from Maria’s lips, a laugh that was probably too loud. “What ya lookin’ at?”

“Mama? Are you—are you okay?”

“Jus’ tired, baby girl.” She laughed again, quieter this time. “All this work has me tuckered out.”

Savannah looked doubtful. She looked around the kitchen until her eyes seemed to fall on the place where the whiskey bottle sat. “Did you drink, Mama? Is that what you did?”

“Of course not.” Maria turned her attention back to the broom in her hand. How could a seven-year-old be so smart, anyway?

“Did you drink Freddy’s whiskey?”

“Listen!” Maria spun around and glared at her daughter. “Are you callin’ me a liar?”

“No, Mama.” Savannah took a step back.

Maria hated this, when Savannah acted afraid of her. She closed the distance between them and grabbed Savannah’s arm. “Don’t call me a liar, you un’erstand?”

“Sorry. Sorry, Mama.” Savannah started to cry. “You told me you weren’t gonna drink.”

“And I didn’t drink. You never saw me drink, okay?”

“Okay.” Savannah jerked her arm free and rubbed the place where a line of red marks stood out. “I’m sorry.”

“You better be.” Maria gave her daughter a shove for good measure. Brat. Trying to ruin a perfectly good day. She was about to say so when she remembered she was supposed to be treating Savannah differently. Better than before. She swept the other half of the kitchen floor, and she was almost done when she realized how dizzy she was. The whiskey was making the room tilt, and Maria was angry at herself for drinking so much. She could have done with half of what she’d gulped down. The floor felt wobbly beneath her, and suddenly she leaned wrong on the broom and wound up flat on the floor. Quickly, she lifted herself to her hands and knees and cursed softly.

“Mama.” Savannah rushed to her side. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” She used her daughter’s shoulder to stand up and then she smiled her nicest smile. “Mama’s sorry about earlier. I’m jus’ tired, like I said.” She messed her fingers through Savannah’s reddish-blond hair. “Let’s get ready for the day, okay?”

Savannah still looked nervous, but she nodded. They got dressed and took the subway to Central Park, same as always. Halfway to their spot, Maria grabbed a fistful of dirt and rubbed it on her face and Savannah’s.

“I hate this, Mama. No more dirt, please!”

“Shhh.” Maria put her hand against her daughter’s mouth. The effects of the whiskey were already wearing off, her body already craving one more swig, one more rush. “We won’t beg much longer, baby girl. We have to have the dirt or people won’t give us anything.”

She had made a sign last week that read “Please help me feed my daughter.” She carried it in a grocery bag and when they found their spot on a bench across from the zoo entrance, Maria pulled it out. It seemed to work. People tossed fives and tens their way without thinking twice. Yesterday they’d brought home more than a hundred dollars, most of which she gave to Freddy for rent. She was paying her way now. It was more respectable that way, more like a mother should be. But today the money would be hers, and she could take Savannah out for pizza later or maybe to a movie. That would keep the kid happy, and keeping Savannah happy was very important now.

That’s what mothers were supposed to do, keep their kids happy. But Maria had to be honest with herself, trying to be a good mother had to account for at least some of her twitches and racing heart. They begged for five hours without a break. After that, they went out for pizza, and when Savannah took a trip to the bathroom, Maria ordered herself a pitcher of beer.

When Savannah returned she noticed right away. “You said you weren’t gonna drink alcohol.”

“This is a party.” Maria kept her tone happy, but under the table she dug her fingers into Savannah’s arm, to warn her against saying anything else. “We made a hundred and twenty-two dollars today, baby girl. I’ll drink what I want.”

One pitcher became two and then three and the room was spinning hard. A waitress told her it was time to leave, but Maria didn’t want to go. She was having a party with her daughter, and what was wrong with that? But then the waitress had two people with her, two big ol’ guys, and they told her she needed to pay for her tab and be on her way.

“Listen!” She stood and pushed the nearest guy in the shoulder. “No one tells me what to do!” She was yelling, but she didn’t care. “I’m a millionaire. I do what I want!”

Savannah shrank down in her seat and covered her face.

“Ma’am, if you don’t pay your tab and leave, we’ll have to call the police.”

“Mama!” Savannah shrieked at her. “Please just pay him.”

“Shut up.” Maria was sick of the girl, sick of playing the role of perfect mother. She slapped Savannah hard across the face. “I hate being your mama, can’t you see that?”

The man from the restaurant grabbed her arm. “That’s enough,” he hissed at her. Then he turned to the other guy. “Call nine-one-one.”