This Is a Book (28 page)

Nobody got off easy if they were messing with Rod’s honor, not even family. I remember when Rod’s brother accused him of taking money from their grandparents’ savings, Rod pounded him so bad he had to go to the hospital. “There’s a difference between ‘taking’ and ‘borrowing’ ” he said. Rod fully intended to pay back some of that money eventually. I know that for a fact, because he mentioned it so many times over the years.

I think what I’ll miss most about Rod is how awesome it was to go clubbing with him.

I’m sad Rod is gone, but I feel happy knowing that he died doing something he loved: an underage girl.

Flags have been an important part of our world for centuries. Unfortunately many of them are outdated. I have included here a few suggestions for updating some of these old flags. I have also provided some ideas for new flags.

F
LAG FOR THE
S
OUTH

This flag features a man wearing a nice suit, holding a Bible and a waffle. He looks proud and is standing inside a trailer park.

T
HE
O
LYMPIC
F
LAG

A white flag that has the words “Nice try, Finland” printed across the middle of it.

T
HE
C
ITY OF
B
OSTON

This flag features a picture of a drunk guy who wants to fight you. The more the wind flaps the flag, the more drunk the guy looks, and the more he wants to fight you. Also, he has a crew cut and looks sort of Irish.

F
LAG
R
EPRESENTING
B
LIND
P
EOPLE

Anything goes with this one. The important thing is that the design is not that offensive.

T
HE
A
RMY

A man in a uniform, who is shaking your hand, but it’s no longer attached to your body.

H
ARVARD
U
NIVERSITY

A picture of a person who went to Harvard. Under the picture there is an inscription of a Latin phrase:
Vestri alma materia ut exsisto memoratus quam primum in sermo
. The translation: “Your alma mater: to be mentioned as soon as possible in conversation.”

N
EW
J
ERSEY

A picture of the rest of the country feeling embarrassed.

M
C
D
ONALD’S

A cow wearing sunglasses. He is holding a hamburger and smoking a cigarette while giving a thumb’s-up. In the background there is some sort of propeller or chopping machine coming towards him.

F
LAG FOR
R
ESPONDING TO AN
E
NEMY
W
HO
I
S
T
RYING TO
S
URRENDER

This flag could be useful during battle when one side waves a white flag to surrender, but the other side wants to keep fighting. This flag is white but it also has a middle finger made out of blood in the center of it. When you wave this flag you’re responding to the surrender by saying, “Tough shit.”

M
EXICO

A drawing of Mexico with arrows pointing out of it.

T
HE
A
NDERSON
F
AMILY
(
FROM
M
Y
O
LD
N
EIGHBORHOOD
)

The whole family is on the flag. The dad is kind of drunk, as usual. The mom has that WASPy angry-mixed-with-uppity look on her face. The daughter looks cute and seems like she’d be a good girlfriend but turns out to be a cheater. She’s acting like she loves you, but she just clearly made out with one of your friends. Off to the side we see their dog, who so easily blends in with the pavement that he could very easily be innocently run over by anyone.

1. Warriors

2. Clowns

3. Diehard Football Fans

4. Drag Queens

1. Warriors

2. Clowns

3. Diehard Football Fans

4. Drag Queens

1. Warriors

2. Clowns

3. Diehard Football Fans

4. Drag Queens

1. Warriors

2. Clowns

3. Diehard Football Fans

4. Drag Queens

Arthur Goreburg arrived at Zell Laboratories three days after graduating from MIT. He had fielded offers from every major lab and think tank in the country. There was even an offer from a small but prestigious concentrate tank in Sweden. For Arthur, though, there was never any doubt that he would end up at Zell.

Zell Labs had been the nation’s leading research and technology lab for more than half a century, producing nine Nobel Laureates, countless technological breakthroughs, and very little sex. Its hallways teemed with many of the world’s greatest minds, many of them bona fide geniuses, and even more of them social disasters. Goreburg would be Zell’s new wonderboy. And with his formidable brain, pimpled face, and catastrophic sense of style, Arthur fit the part perfectly.

Until Arthur’s arrival, Zell’s reigning wonderboy was Ronald Spatz. Now two years into his employ at Zell, Spatz had earned a reputation for calculating large sums in his head at lightning speed. He was also one of Zell’s biggest showoffs (he once solved a Rubik’s Cube using only his butt cheeks). Like many of his colleagues, Ronald was a know-it-all. And he had a notoriously small bladder. Still, Ronald was a great dancer and could be a lot of fun at a party, if he’d ever gone to one.

Goreburg and Spatz did not speak much to each other during Goreburg’s first few months at Zell. In the lab’s stratified, cloistered ecosystem of elite thinkers, the two young scientists were natural enemies. Each was eager to prove himself, and neither wanted the other to do so first.

Spatz was aldy getting tired of hearing about the “new kid” Goreburg, and Goreburg, for his part, thought Spatz had a particularly punchable-looking face. So, the two young bucks tactfully avoided each other and managed to keep a cordial distance.

Then one afternoon, just after the company’s annual laser picnic, where for the first time in years no one got burned or blinded, the director of commercial engineering, Bill Dingle, called the two young scientists into his office.

“I need you two to work on something very important for us,” said Dingle in his patented monotone voice (it had been patented earlier that year for use in an autistic robot).

Goreburg and Spatz listened, both trying not to appear too excited about the opportunity.

Dingle continued. “It’s a copy machine.”

The two men slouched with disappointment, their already muscle-less frames looking even more flaccid than usual. “A copy machine?” thought Goreburg. “What a joke.”

Spatz let out a contemptuous sigh.

Sensing their disappointment, Bill quickly explained the assignment. “I am not talking about a conventional copy machine. I’m talking about something much more advanced, a new kind of copy machine. We need to create a machine that can copy something but make the copy look like it’s a completely different idea from the original. So that way the copy appears to be the result of ‘parallel thought’ or just some sort of an innocent coincidence.”

Arthur and Ronald listened. Both men now seemed interested.

“People in Hollywood have expressed strong interest in such a device, especially the large movie studios,” Dingle explained.

Goreburg started brainstorming immediately, his beady eyes darting
back and forth behind his glasses. Spatz, equally intrigued by the task, started to rock with excitement, and also because he had to pee.

Dingle explained that two major advertising agencies had already offered millions for a working model. He and his partners knew that that kind of machine would be virtually priceless to the advertising industry, an industry that had been built on stealing other people’s ideas and then changing them slightly to make shitty commercials out of them.

The two rivals left Dingle’s office. They began working together the next morning.

If Goreburg and Spatz could figure out how to make this new kind of copy machine, it would mean huge profits for Zell, and more importantly, major recognition for the two young scientists.

From the very start, Goreburg and Spatz hated working together. They were competitive and distant. Arthur was a slob, which irked the legendarily anal-retentive Spatz. And Ronald irritated Arthur with his weird tapping habit. But, the more they worked together, the more they discovered just how much they had in common. For one thing, both were allergic to legumes. Also, as children, both had been rolled down a hill inside a tire by neighborhood bullies, which was for both of them a memorable first lesson in physics. Fiht="0e, and, perhaps most importantly, both spent a lot of time alone making things in their basements.

Spatz had developed several minor inventions, most notable among them a tiny nuclear bomb that could be used to kill a frog or a very old person. He hoped to market it overseas, perhaps to some of the smaller nations who had smaller enemies. He had also done pioneering research in the field of historical biochemistry, recreating chemical models of famous historical figures’ breath based on their diets and ethnic origins.

Goreburg, in his basement, had designed several specialty vehicles,
including a hovercraft ‘made from a vacuum cleaner’ and a vacuum cleaner ‘made from a hovercraft.’

After work they started to hang out and talk about their favorite movies and about the woman who worked at Zell. Their opinions about both were based firmly in science fiction. Before long, Arthur and Ronald were collaborating outside of work. One night, while they were hovering in Arthur’s vacuum cleaner, they started to talk about time travel.