Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (3 page)

So, why is the fact that I'm fat the most important thing for you to know about me? Well, because as far as body shapes go, it's the most reviled in our society. Because my journey toward learning to love a body that I have been told is unworthy has been life changing. Because learning to love my body as it is has convinced me that not only is it possible, but it's necessary to living a truly happy and fulfilling life. Because I want you to have the opportunity to hear these revelations too. Because being fat and learning how to accept it has defined my mission as a body activist.

So, WELCOME.

You may think this is just another self-help book penned by
another smart-aleck chick with another inspirational message (and you'd be right), but it's more than that.

This is also a compilation of the shit no one talks about. A collection of the hardest lessons I've ever learned. A literary homage to my triumph over shame, self-harm, depression, guilt, and self-sabotage. This is what the sound of the “Hallelujah Chorus” would look like if we were forced to see it through little letters on a page. This is a book about things that I wish I knew earlier. Things I've learned in real life. Things people really need to talk about more. This is a book full of things no one will ever tell fat girls . . . but shit. I will.

So hold onto your knickers, y'all. Because if you play your cards right, this book could change your goddamn life.

what in the world is body love, and why does it matter?
what in the world is body love, and why does it matter?

[ CHAPTER ONE ]
[ CHAPTER ONE ]

I
f you're wondering why the hell I would take the time to write an entire book about things no one will tell people about their bodies, you're not the only one. And if you're skeptical about the fact that I place so much focus on something as seemingly vapid as our appearance, you're not alone.

People ask me all the time, “Why are you so superficial, Jes'ca?!? Why isn't your focus on inner beauty? Why aren't we talking about what we contribute to the world? Why aren't we discussing how marvelous our souls are?”

My personal conclusion goes something like this: We are more likely to be told by the world that we are good people than anything else. Funny, creative, intelligent, communicative, generous, maybe even extraordinary. What we are
not
told is that our bodies are perfect just the way they are. Like, ever. We are taught that our outsides are flawed, and not only that, but the majority of our worth lies in our
physical appearance, which, of course is never “good enough” according to our society. They love to show us examples of unattainable physical perfection while demanding that we become the impossible, and because of this our bodies and our relationship to our bodies affect everything else in our lives on a monumental level.

We become too embarrassed to meet up with the friend we haven't seen in years because we might have gained weight. We sabotage relationships by thinking we're unworthy of physical affection. We hide our face when we have breakouts. We opt out of the dance class because we're worried we'll look ridiculous. We miss out on sex positions because we're afraid we'll crush our partner with our weight. We dread family holidays because someone might say
something
about how we look. We don't approach potential friends or lovers because we assume they will immediately judge our appearance negatively. We try to shrink when walking in public spaces in order to take up as little room as possible. We build our lives around the belief that we are undeserving of attention, love, and amazing opportunities, when in reality this couldn't be further from the truth.

Our bodies are installation art that we curate publicly. Our bodies are the first message those around us receive. Our bodies are our physical bookmarks that hold space for us in the world. Our bodies are magnificent houses for everything else that we are. Our bodies are a part of us, just as our kindness, talents, and passion are a part of us. Yes, we are so much more than our outer shells, but our outer shells are an integral part of our being, too.
This
is why I focus on them.
The way we view our bodies impacts the way we participate in the world
. . . and wouldn't it be wonderful if we could lose the bullshit we're taught and love our bodies for the perfect things that they are?

I just read a really great article in
Bitch
Magazine called “Pretty Unnecessary” where Lindsay King-Miller rightfully questions the focus on the importance of beauty within the body positive movement. She says, “While I'm in favor of encouraging women to feel confident and happy, I worry that today's body positivity focuses too much on affirming beauty and not enough on deconstructing its necessity.” She goes on to share an experience she had on Facebook: A friend published a post that said, “I'm not pretty and I'm fine with that.” What of course followed was a barrage of comments from “misguided” though well-meaning friends who insisted she was being “ridiculous” and
of course
she was pretty. Lindsay describes her discomfort with and defensiveness about this type of forceful response: “Here was a woman moving away from an oppressive and harmful hierarchy, and with the best of intentions, her friends were trying to drag her back in.”
¹

Now, let me explain how I break this down in my world. The words “beautiful” and “pretty” mean two different things to me. Beauty is something that is everywhere. The sunset is beautiful. Human
connection is beautiful. Kindness is beautiful. Bodies are beautiful—all of them. Beauty is ubiquitous, inherent, and found in all of us: on the outside and the inside.

The word “pretty,” however, when used to describe a woman's physical appearance, signifies to me a physical ideal that's fabricated by companies to make you believe that you'll never be enough until you reach it. Pretty is what they want you to believe in. Pretty is what causes women to battle each other. Pretty has been created to always be exclusive. Pretty is a made-up lie created to line the pockets of money-hungry assholes. SO. FUCK. PRETTY.

Reclaim beauty.

Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel attractive, and part of learning to love your body usually includes learning how to feel good about your appearance, defining your romantic and sexual identity, redefining what attractive means to you, and yes, maybe even feeling “pretty.” Many women find the body positive world while chasing their need to feel “pretty” and there is
nothing
wrong with this! I'm cool with whatever it takes to bring us all into this magical realm of body lovin'! But at the end of the day, body acceptance and positivity are about so much more. I think Lindsay has a point in that allowing our quest for feeling attractive to be our
only
defining factor or goal doesn't get us far enough towards our end destination.

You feel?

So regardless of why you may have started (or want to start) your body love journey and what you'd like to get out of it, it's important to also see the bigger picture: Body love is critical to the health (mental, emotional, and physical) of our whole world on a big scale. Learning to love your body is ridiculously complex, and it affects more than just ourselves and those immediately nearby. It affects the entire globe and all of its venerable systemic issues; a world that starts to invest in body love has the capability to shift to a more equal, compassionate, and kind place.

Sonya Renee Taylor, founder of The Body Is Not An Apology, addresses this notion in the comment section under “Pretty Unnecessary”:

[The Body Is Not An Apology is] not invested in whether people find themselves “pretty” or “attractive.” [It is] is an international movement committed to cultivating global Radical Self Love and Body Empowerment. We believe that discrimination, social inequality, and injustice are manifestations of our inability to make peace with the body, our own and others. Through information dissemination, personal and social transformation projects and community building, The Body Is Not An Apology fosters global, radical, unapologetic self-love which translates to radical human love and action in service toward a more just, equitable and compassionate world. We are most concerned with how our relationship with ourselves serves as the foundation for interrupting body based oppression. We indeed believe in the inherent “beauty” of all humans but as Lindsay shared, not from a lens that is about aesthetics but about inherent value and worth.
²

To which I say: YES.

HOLY YES, SONYA.

Sonya perfectly encapsulates why body love is so important: When we foster appreciation for and love ourselves, we start to contribute to the world in a way that allows equality, inclusivity, and all forms of kindness.

Part of my job includes speaking to all kinds of college groups, and I often circle back to this exact concept: Loving your body can change the world. Not just your world (which is super important
and
reason enough), but the
entire
world.

It sounds farfetched, I know, but I'm sayin' this with a straight face.

In my lecture, “Change the World, Love Your Body: The Social Impact of Body Love,” I always begin by asking how many people in the room would feel comfortable looking me in the eye and calling themselves beautiful. Beautiful/handsome/attractive, whatever the word of choice is for them. Consistently, a small percentage shyly raise
their hands. I'm always thrilled to see the hands, but never surprised by those who
don't
feel confident enough to join in. This group is most certainly not alone in their insecurities. Globally, the statistic of women that would call themselves beautiful is 4 percent.
³
Four.

Holy shit, y'all. You following this?

Now, the study uses the word “beautiful” to mean “pretty,” and, as we know, “pretty” is a social construct. But we're going to meet the world where it's at and go with the terminology they use. The purpose behind this question is to ask who feels physically valid. Confident in their bodies. “Enough.” With that in mind, 4 percent makes me incredibly sad.

But wait. There's more!
We also see devastating statistics around this issue and the fear we have about being the opposite of “pretty,” which is most often associated with thin.

Here's the state of our world's body image issues in five bullet points:

  
•
   
81 percent of ten-year-olds are afraid of being fat.

  
•
   
These ten-year-olds are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, war, or losing both of their parents.
⁴

  
•
   
In a survey of girls nine and ten years old, 40 percent have tried to lose weight.
⁵

  
•
   
91 percent of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting.
⁶

  
•
   
And 5 percent of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media.
⁷