There Is No Light in Darkness (22 page)

We walked to the keg, and I left Aubry there to go to the bathroom. I passed two doors before I saw where it was. As I stood behind a ridiculously drunk girl, I heard a guy scream Cole’s name, causing my head to snap up, and my insides to warm at the sound. I immediately got out of line and walked in that direction. I rounded the corner and found a group of guys and girls standing around a pool table. Butterflies danced in my stomach when I spotted him. His back was facing me, but I could see he was in the middle of an animated conversation. He was wearing a fitted navy T-shirt, and his brown hair was cut short. I frowned because he never told me he had cut it. My feet started making their way toward him but stopped about three feet away—when I saw female hands with red fingernails stroking his lower back. My heart was pumping so hard I couldn’t even breathe. I wanted to turn away, but my feet were cemented to the floor. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from them and the worst part was that I could hear them from where I was standing.

“Let’s go to the back room,” she said, giggling as she squeezed his ass.

I could recognize that fake voice anywhere. What.The.Fuck?

His head leaned down and kissed her neck, giving me a full view of her face. When she saw me, her eyes widened for a second before they slanted. She narrowed her blue eyes at me as if to tell me, “Yeah, he’s mine now.” I felt acid kill the butterflies that were in my stomach minutes ago. To drive her point home, Sasha held his body tighter to hers and bit his neck—all while looking right at me. She smirked and told him she was ready to go to the room. I saw him nod right before I turned around and shuffled my feet toward Aubry. When I found him standing by the keg, I grabbed the red cup from his hand and chugged it. The guys around us cheered as he looked at me in astonishment.

“Blake, what the fuck?” he asked.

“Let’s go. NOW.” I snapped.

“What the hell happened? Did you find Cole?”

“Fuck Cole,” I said as I grabbed the other cup from his hand. I turned on my heel and started chugging that one, too.

“Holy shit! This girl is awesome!” one of the guys chanted as three others cheered.

“Cowboy, slow the fuck down,” Aubry growled.

I angrily wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, took a deep breath and decided I would confront Cole right now. I told Aubry I was going to the bathroom, and I stomped (quite literally) to the “back room.” I asked where it was, and when I found it, I held the doorknob for a while. My head was still swimming from the beers I had chugged when I turned the knob. Before I pushed the door open, I heard someone—who I assumed was Sasha—moan loudly with pleasure. My stomach twisted at the sound, and I unturned the doorknob keeping my grip on it. I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. If I barged in there, I would see them.

I covered my mouth with my free hand to keep my gag from escalating. I could hear her repeated moans and screams, the sound was like nails on a chalkboard—but I stayed there, nonetheless. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. The longer I stood there, the more my heart broke, but I welcomed the pain. It was my fault this was going on. I clenched my jaw at the thought. No. We hadn’t even been broken up two months, and there he was screwing her brains out. I gagged again before I heard him for the first time.

“Oh yes ... fuck ... yes ... Blake ...” My stomach dropped. Did he really just say my name? Blood rushed to my head as my heart beat frantically.  No amount of oxygen would have been enough for me at that moment. I’d finally had enough and ran to the bathroom with tears in my eyes.

After I somewhat composed myself, I went back to where Aubry was playing beer pong. I chugged another beer as I stood there waiting for him to finish the game. When I thought we were finally leaving, the guys brought out Cuervo and convinced me to take some shots with them. By that point, I just wanted to drown my sorrows, so I drank everything in sight—it’s not like I could taste it anyway. An hour later, Aubry and I were both drunkingly laughing, hanging over each other to keep from falling as we talked to Bobby, David, and Rob when one of them suggested body shots.

“Woohoo! Body shots!” I screamed, flinging my hands up in the air wildly.

They hooted and hollered. Before I knew it, somebody lifted me onto a table. I never thought in a million years that I would have done that, but there I was doing it. I lifted up my already short shirt and tucked it under my bra. Aubry laughed and made a joke about something before grabbing the brunette beside him and making out with her. I laughed at him and was about to make a comment when I felt cold liquid being poured over my bare belly.

“Aaahhhh,” I shrieked. “That’s cold.”

“Sorry, babe, we keep it in the freezer,” said Bobby. Bobby was soooo cute. Through my haze, he looked like Ryan Reynolds.

“Are you going to lick me?” I flirted.

“Hell yeah, none of these fuckers better even try it,” he bellowed, making sure his friends heard. They all groaned, laughed, and clapped his back.

I felt Bobby’s tongue lick around my belly button and make its way up, stopping right below my chest. When he was done, he stood above me where the lime was squeezed between my lips and licked around it, tasting me before he put the lime into his mouth. He hovered over my face, staring down at me for a while. He was leaning in, and even in my drunken state, I knew he was going to kiss me. I reached up behind his neck and pulled him in closer to meet his lips.

“What the fuck?” Cole screamed at the top of his lungs. I backed away from Bobby and propped myself up on my elbows, accidentally hitting my forehead with Bobby’s. I rubbed it and looked at Cole who was standing with Sasha clinging on to his arm. She had a satisfied look on her face that I wanted to claw off.

“Cooooole,” Aubry slurred beside me. “Dude, where the fuck have you been? Blake wanted to leave an hour ago, but I convinced her to stay and have some fun for once.” I saw Cole’s face fall before closed my eyes for a second and let my body fall back on the table.

“Bobby, can you help me up?” I asked drowsily.

I felt him lift me in his arms. I didn’t expect him to carry me. I wanted him to just put me on my feet, not hold me like a freaking baby. I put my arms around his neck to keep myself from falling over.

“Put her down, Bobby,” Cole spat angrily.

“Oh, you’re the ex-boyfriend?” Bobby smirked. I looked up at him, but all I could see was his jaw from where I was. I knew I was smiling, though—why I had no idea. I couldn’t remember what I’d said to him other than I was visiting my ex-boyfriend. I might have said that my ex-boyfriend was an asshole, but I didn’t remember saying anything else.

“Bobby,” Cole warned again. “Put her down. Now.”

I cringed at the sound of his tone. “You ... have no right ... to tell him what to do ... with me ...” I slurred, pointing my finger at Cole. “I ... want Bobby ... to take me to the … back room,” I finished, narrowing my eyes between Cole and Sasha. He looked like I’d just thrown a bowling ball at his testicles. Good.

“What ... Blake, what the fuck?” Cole asked quietly, his voice pained.

I shimmied out of Bobby’s hold and stood with my back to him, facing Cole and Sasha. I placed my closed fists over my hips and suddenly felt like an ant amongst humans. Everyone was so tall. I looked down and hazily remembered taking off my heels earlier. I took a deep sobering breath and wobbled back a little and felt Bobby’s hands on my shoulders steady me.

“Blake, let’s go,” Cole pleaded.

“No,” I said, stomping my feet once, accidentally stepping on Bobby’s sneaker. “Sorry,” I said looking back and apologizing before turning back to Cole. “I will not go anywhere with you and that ...” I shouted, pointing at Sasha. “Skank.”

I heard a couple of gasps and a guy scream “cat fight” somewhere, but they all sounded far away. Sasha’s grin widened as she put her hand on Cole’s forearm, and I saw him shrug her off angrily before I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep myself composed.

I turned to Aubry once I opened my eyes again. “Aub, let’s go. We came, we saw,” I said, glaring at Cole. “We conquered,” I finished, lifting Bobby’s arm as if we’d won a race.

Aubry hesitated but stood beside me—and thankfully, took my side. “Alright. Guys, it’s been real. Thanks for everything. Cole, can I talk to you?” Aubry asked quietly.

Cole agreed with a nod, never taking his eyes off of me. He was looking at me the way he did when he left Maggie’s house a month and a half ago. Tears prickled my eyes at the memory, but I held them at bay. It’d been a month and a half since I felt his lips on mine. A month and a half of sleepless nights, wondering if he’d been thinking of me as much as I thought of him. A month and a half of wondering what could have been. A month and a half of kicking myself for being insecure about a long distance relationship.

By the time Aubry and Cole walked back to us, Bobby had given me his number, and I apologized to the guys for the scene I had caused. They all laughed it off and told me it had been fun. I was much more sober though, and quite frankly, very embarrassed. Sasha didn’t say anything as she stood in the corner. She didn’t have to. She had accomplished what she wanted and would forever be known as “that skank”—to me at least ... and to Becky, of course.

“Blake, please talk to me,” Cole pleaded before I left the party.

“I have nothing to say to you,” I replied quietly. “I’m sorry I came here.”

He grabbed my elbow when I tried to walk away. “Please don’t. Please don’t be sorry you came here. I wish you would’ve told me you were coming,” he said sadly as he dropped my arm from his hold.

I glared at him. “Why? So you wouldn’t have fucked Sasha tonight? You would’ve waited until tomorrow night instead?” I spat. I knew I had no right; he wasn’t mine anymore.

He cringed. “Blake—” he said as he grabbed my arm again.

I pulled my arm roughly away from him. “No. Just. Don’t. I’m glad you’re doing well. I really am. I won’t be back—ever.”

He gaped at me. “Baby, please don’t say that. I don’t want you to not come back. I’m sorry,” he pleaded quickly.

“Don’t call me that,” I said through gritted teeth. “And I don’t want you to be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

I walked away and got into the waiting cab to find Aubry already passed out inside. Cole was still standing in the street with his hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans. He was looking somberly at me, his broken eyes matching my heart. As we started to drive away, I lowered my window.

“Have fun with your skank!” I said loudly. His eyes were glistening as he shook his head in defeat.

The next morning Aubry and I headed back to the airport, and I was glad to leave the sad memories behind me. I knew they would haunt me for a while—if not, forever. Her hand on his ass. Her teeth on his neck. His wrapping her in his arms as he kissed her neck. The sounds they were making as they had sex. I shuddered at the memory and brushed myself off disgustedly. The worst part was that out of all of the memories I wished I could erase, the most prominent one was the pain in his eyes as I left him. Fucking Cole...

The night we got back home, Aubry told me that Cole had given him a letter to give me. I told him to rip it up and throw it away. I didn’t want to read it now—or ever. Months later I wondered whatever happened to that letter, but I never asked Aubry.

Chapter Seventeen

Present

It’s been a couple of months since our meeting with Mark, and Cole still hasn’t met his parents or even let them know that he’s alive. He and Aimee are taking time to get to know each other better, which has been great for them. If anybody were to see them in the street, they would never know that they hadn’t seen each other in so many years. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re siblings, or the fact that they’re twins that makes their bond so unique. It’s almost as if they picked up where they left off twenty-one years ago; it’s an incredible thing to witness.

Aimee moved in with us when the lease on her place was up, but she and Aubry are looking for another place. When she first moved in and realized just how paranoid I really was—between my locked doors, alarm system, and my three-knocks-on-the-door code—she thought I was a little crazy. Even after knowing what happened to me, she doesn’t completely grasp what happened to me. I don’t blame her. I don’t think many people can understand it or fully believe it; it sounds like an episode of NCIS or something.

The recurring nightmare hasn’t come to me in a while and I know I should be happy about it, but it’s really bothering me. It’s not that I want to remember my mother lying in blood, but I want to remember the faces. The faces of the killers. Cole keeps asking me to see a therapist. He promises it’ll help to talk about what I remember. I went to a therapist for years, though. It only helped me because they gave me something to help me sleep. I just need to remember. When I remember, I’ll be fine. When I remember, I’ll move past it. I started keeping a box of memories. In it, I have the photos Shelley left me and her last letter. I also have a timeline that I’ve been working on and a diary that I’m using to write my memories in.

Recently, Cole and I have been discussing buying a house together. I know it’s a big step, but I also know that it’s not something we’ll regret. He thought it was hilarious when Aimee told him that their parents live across the street from the house from Home Alone. He keeps telling me that it’s a sign. I don’t think I should remind him what the plot was in that movie. Every Sunday we go house hunting, which can be pretty fun sometimes. We’ve driven by a couple of adorable-looking town homes in the city, but he says the yards are too small, and they all have stairs. It’s a big issue for me—the stairs.