Therapy (35 page)

“Let me help you. I know things are bad with us right now, but I still want to be here for you.”

“Thanks,” I say.

“Should we start making phone calls?”

“I guess so. Let me go back in and spend some time with...” I can’t finish the sentence, but she knows what I’m trying to say. I gulp down some air and continue, “I’ll see what they need from me here, and then we can go to the house and start making arrangements.”

She nods in agreement and the thought crosses my mind that in one day, I’ve just lost the two most important women in my life.

It’s the morning of my mother’s funeral and I’m numb. I loved my mother, but I hate the way our last conversation went. I hate that we spoke our last words in anger. I also hate that I didn’t respond when she told me she loved me. Victoria has been great and has helped with every detail, asking for nothing in return. She hasn’t once brought up the engagement or the wedding. I want to ask her about the baby so badly, but haven’t been able to bring myself to do it with everything else going on.

“Are you ready? It’s time.”

“Yeah, Vic, I’ll be out in a second.”

I check my tie and take a deep breath. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, taking deep breaths. It seems like the air in my lungs is the only thing keeping me going, the only sure thing I have left.

“Okay, let’s go.”

We drive to the funeral home and the parking lot is overflowing with cars. Everyone in town must be here.

I park and get out.

“Thanks for coming with me,” I tell her.

“I wouldn’t have let you do this alone, Jace. You know that.”

She holds out her hand to me and I take it. Together or not, Victoria’s strong and I need that right now.

“Live every minute as if it were your last.”

—Unknown

“KINGSLEY, THANK YOU for bringing me. I know you’re against this,” I say as I squeeze his hand.

“I just don’t get why you need to go to his mom’s funeral. You hated her. It makes no sense.”

“He has been a big part of my life, and even though I know his mom was evil, I still feel like I should go.”

“Okay. I just don’t like it. That’s all,” he mumbles.

The drive feels like it takes forever. I hate knowing that Kingsley’s unhappy about this, but I need to go. I just need to be there. Mercedes and I text back and forth throughout the drive, finally making firm plans to meet up and hang out. We’re going to grab some lunch at some organic café she raves about. Taking a shot at a real friendship is a big step for me, but I’m feeling pretty optimistic about it. I guess I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about a lot of things lately.

As we pull into the cemetery, the memory of years ago when Jace brought me here floods my mind. I look around and see all the cars, all the people, and I’m suddenly afraid.

“God, everyone will be here. All the people that hate me are going to be here. I have no idea what I was thinking. This was a terrible idea.” I feel the panic in my body and hear it in my voice, but I can’t calm down.

Kingsley parks the rental car and reaches over, grasping my hand in his.

“Listen, I don’t like this, but you’re not going to not do something that you want to do because of people that hurt you in your past.” He pulls my hand up and kisses it gently. “If you want to be here, then be here. They can’t hurt you anymore. Do you hear me? You’re a grown woman and you’re stronger than you were then.” Cupping my chin with his strong hand, he says, “You hold your head up high and go. I may be against this, but no way am I letting you back out because of them.”

“You’re right. They can’t hurt me anymore.” I reach down and dig through my purse. I shuffle through all of my junk and finally see it at the bottom. I pull out the little snowflake pin and dust it off.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“It’s my force field,” I tell him with a small smile.

He looks confused as I pin it on my lapel.

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it sometime, but not now. Are you coming with me?”

“No, I’ll wait here. You can do this. You don’t need me by your side.”

I nod and don’t argue, because, in reality, I don’t want to hurt Jace by showing up with Kingsley on my arm. I think Kingsley considered that too, which is why he’s staying behind.

I am so damn lucky.

“Thank you.” I give him a deep kiss and smile at him as I pull away.

I garner every ounce of courage I have and get out of the rental car. I’m wearing a simple black dress and black ballet flats. The graveside service has already begun, so I just stand quietly at the back and listen. I scan the crowd and almost immediately see Elizabeth Brant. She looks exactly the same. There’s a little golden-haired boy tugging at her sleeve. He has braces on his legs and he moves in an odd fashion. She looks down at him, smiling, and shushes him quietly. Elizabeth Brant, a mom. What a weird thing that is to wrap my mind around. The little boy keeps pulling on her sleeve; then he grabs at himself with a scrunched-up look on his face. It’s the pee pee dance. She reaches down, picks him up, and makes her way out of the crowd inconspicuously. My nerves are frazzled and the thought of coming face-to-face with her is literally terrifying. I plant my feet firmly on the ground and decide. I make the decision to face her, regardless of my fear or what may happen. She walks in my direction and the minute her eyes land on me they widen. The surprise is written all over her perfect face and she stops mid-stride.

“Mommy! I have to go to the potty bad,” the little boy cries.

“Okay, okay, Junior, we’re going.”

She starts toward the parking area and just as she passes by me, she slows. It seems as if she’s going to say something, but she doesn’t. She just gives me an awkward smile and walks right past me. What in the hell just happened? She wasn’t mean and she smiled at me. I step in closer to the rest of the guests and try to see past all of them, trying to catch a glimpse of Jace. As soon as I see him, I see her. Victoria and Jace hand in hand. She looks beautiful, as always, and he looks like Jace, just a very sad Jace. My heart breaks for him; I hate that he’s hurting. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. I certainly don’t feel like I belong. I turn and start to walk back to the car when Elizabeth comes from around an SUV with the little boy on her heels. The boy wobbles past her and trips over his feet, falling to the ground right in front of me. He starts crying and I instinctively reach down to help him up just as Elizabeth gets to us.

“Mommy, I have boo-boos on my knees and they hurt,” he cries.

“Oh, Junior, it’s going to be okay. I have boo-boo medicine in my purse and SpongeBob Band-Aids too.”

The little boy smiles through his tears and says, “Yay, SpongeBob Band-Aids.”

Elizabeth picks him up and looks at me.

“Thank you for helping him up.”

The millions of things I’ve wanted to say to her are stuck in my throat, held prisoner by years of pent-up anger and hurt. Before I can say a thing, her little boy breaks the silence.

“Mommy, is she your friend?”

If this kid only knew how very far from reality that is.

“No, honey, we aren’t friends. But Mommy went to school with her a long time ago. Mommy wishes she would’ve been her friend, though.”

What?

Elizabeth Brant has officially gone insane. For some reason, it pisses me off and I just want to slap her, but I can’t because this is a funeral and she’s holding her little boy.

“I won’t disrespect you in front your child, but don’t say things you don’t mean just to smooth over the situation, Elizabeth. You never wished you were my friend and we both know that,” I bite out.

I walk past her toward the car and she says, “You’re right. I didn’t then. I’m not that person anymore, though. All I’m saying is that I wish I would’ve made different choices. Having my own kid has changed my life and I’m sorry for the person I used to be. I’m sorry for everything.”

I don’t turn around. I can’t. Forgiving her is just not something I can do right now. I get back to the car and get in.

“Let’s go.”

“Why? What happened?” Kingsley asks, and his deep blue eyes look me over with concern, like he’s making sure I’m unharmed, safe.

“This was a mistake, that’s all.”

“Jessica, you didn’t come all the way here just to turn around and leave.”

I cross my arms over my chest and lean my head back.

“I know. It’s just a lot and I didn’t really think this through.”

I notice people walking to their cars and leaving.

“Well, I guess it’s over anyway,” I say.

Kingsley starts the car and we wait as others leave one at a time. I stare at the faces of the people passing us by, some familiar, others not. Then I see him. Jace. He’s talking to Victoria. She nods, hugs him, and walks away. He turns back toward the burial site and I watch as he passes it, kneeling by another headstone close by. It’s his sister’s grave.

“Kingsley, I know you’ll hate this, but I want to go see him before we go.”

He sighs and turns the car off.

“Fine, go ahead.”

I lean over and kiss him gently on his stubbly cheek.

“I love you, you know that? You’re amazing.”

“Okay, okay, Jessica. Just go before I change my mind.”

I walk out across the soft grass, hearing my heartbeat in my ears as I get closer. I’m nervous and scared and freaking out on the inside.

“Jace.”

He turns around and his surprise at seeing me is all over his face.

“Jess?”

“Hi,” I say simply.

He stands up. “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to be here. I don’t know; I just felt like I
should
be here.”

“Why?”

He looks so confused, and the tortured look on his face breaks my heart.

“I’m sorry. Maybe this was just a mistake.” I start to turn around and he says, “No, don’t go.”

I stop and turn back around. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

He holds out his hand and as soon as our skin touches, I’m transported right to the past. My mind might have been trying to forget, but my heart always remembers.

“Do you remember the day I brought you here?” he asks.

“Yes, of course I remember.”

“I was just here the other day to bring flowers.”

Beautiful purple flowers sit in vases at each side of the headstone.

“They’re gorgeous.”

He looks at me and the sadness in his eyes threatens to overwhelm me.

“Where did you get that?”

“Get what?” I ask, confused.

“That pin. The snowflake pin.” He points to my lapel and I look down and touch it with my fingers.

“Oh, this? It was a gift.”

“From whom?” He looks panicked, almost angry.

“Why, Jace? What’s the matter? The little girl that lived next door to me in high school gave it to me.”

“That’s impossible,” he says.

“Why is that impossible? You’re kind of freaking me out.”

“I gave that same exact pin to Genevieve a long time ago. She was wearing it when we buried her,” he says, and he looks like he’s seen a ghost.

Does he think it’s the same pin or something?

“Jace, that’s crazy. I’m sure that there are tons of these pins out there in the world. It’s not like they only made one. You’re just emotional and your mind is running wild on you. I can take it off if it bothers you.”

His expression is pained and he shakes his head.

“I guess, I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m losing my damn mind.” I’ve never seen Jace so broken before. I have to fight the urge to go to him, to hold him, to tell him everything will be okay. That’s not my place. He has Victoria and I have Kingsley.

“Listen, I came because I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for your loss. I know your mom hated me and there was lots of bad blood there, but she was your mom and I know you loved her.”

“Thank you, Jess. I really appreciate it.”

His phone buzzes and he pulls it out of his pocket.

“Umm, I have to take this.” He looks sorry, but it’s just as well. I don’t want to witness his pain any longer. I’ve said what I needed to say.

“No, go ahead. It’s fine. I have to go anyway.”

“Okay. Thank you, Jess, and please take care of yourself.”

His words sound empty and I can see how hard he’s trying to keep it together.

“Okay, bye,” I say and walk away.

I get back to the car and Kingsley is wound tight.

“All right, we can go now.”

“Okay, do you need to stop anywhere else while we’re here? Are you positive you don’t want to see your parents?” he suggests. We’ve talked about my parents a few times, and I’ve told him about our nonexistent relationship and why it’s nonexistent, but I think he’s still holding out hope for me. I love that he encourages me to have stable relationships in my life, but I’m just not ready to deal with them yet.

“I already told you, I don’t talk to my parents. I haven’t talked to them in years.”

“Okay, okay. I was just asking.” He holds his hands up in defense before placing them back on the steering wheel and pulling out onto the road, but he takes a left toward town instead of a right.

“You’re heading in the wrong direction, Kingsley.”

“No, I’m not, Jessica,” he mimics my tone of voice and I have to laugh. He always knows exactly what to do to put a smile on my face. “I have to get gas before we head back.” He smiles at me as he grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. We settle into comfortable silence as we make our way over the old winding blacktop roads.

Everything looks exactly the same. I feel some semblance of peace settle into my heart. I love Jace. He will forever be my first love, but I know I’m where I should be right now. Being with Kingsley just feels right. I roll down my window and take down my hair, relaxing in the warm Texas breeze that feels so good. Kingsley lets go of my hand and reaches down to turn on the radio. I hear the notes to Pearl Jam’s “Last Kiss” before I see the truck barreling around the curve of the road into our lane.