Their New Beginning (Oh Captain, My Captain #5) (6 page)

Jax

After practice, I lift weights, thinking about all that has happened. I’m still not so sure about Avery’s new “job.” I really don’t want to call it that. I don’t want her to call me 'boss', either, even though she’s just joking. However, she does seem happier, and that’s what matters. There’s one word from our discussion that has been a headline, large and in the way, in my head.

You can trust me.

Can I? Do I? I don’t even really know what happened. I don’t know at all. And damn it, I want to. No, I don’t
want
to know, but I need to know. How much did she have to drink? Did he know she was married? Was she wearing her ring? How long was she with him? Did he wear a condom? What if she got pregnant or what if he had an STD or something? Am I going to have to spend the rest of my life wondering if the next time she has one too many drinks during a rough patch that she’s going to fuck the first man who comes up to her?

I do trust her. I trust her with handling our money, paperwork, and emails. I trust her with all of those everyday things. But I don’t trust her with my love. Not right now. How can I? Hell, I’m starting to think I don’t trust myself either. I couldn’t keep her happy.

Sighing, I set the weights down. That’s enough for today. I shower and text Avery that I’m on my way and will pick up something. By the time I get home, all those thoughts have played constantly in my head and I’m on edge. Avery seems to notice my mood, but she doesn’t say anything other than ‘hey’. We sit down and I can’t stop the words.

“I need to know what happened.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Every last thing, Avery.”

“Jax,” she shakes her head, “You don’t want to know this.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “No, I don’t, but I need to hear it.”

“Well, I don’t know where to start. I mean, I was drinking, and he started talking to me, and one thing lead to another.”

“How much did you drink? Weren’t you wearing your ring? Did he not care?”

“Jax,” she sighs, like I’m being impossible. “I had like five drinks, and I hadn’t eaten much that day. I spent most of the vacation crying over you. And why wouldn’t I be wearing my ring? I wear it all the time. I told him I was married.”

I stare at her. I can’t believe it. “So, before you slept with him, you
thought
and
said
, ‘I’m married’, and it still didn’t matter? Did he wear a condom or am I going to have to worry about you being pregnant?” I snap.

“I told him. I know I did. My head was fuzzy, and everything was happening so fast.” Tears well in her eyes, but I don’t let it faze me. “I’m not pregnant. He used condoms. I ran an STD panel at the hospital when I got back. I’m clean.”

“Condom
s
?” She has to be fucking kidding me. “How long were you with him, Avery? And bullshit on ‘it happening so fast’. If you had time to say you’re married, you had time to not sleep with him.”

“Do you really want to know all this? Do you want me to relive all this again?”

I laugh harshly. “Do I want
you
to relive it? I don’t care, Avery.” She put herself in this position, so she can deal with reliving it. “I want to know and I want you to tell me.”

“I don’t want to do this, Jax, but if you’re going to be an asshole, fine.” The anger begins to seep into her voice. “I slept with him because he was a nice guy who was actually interested in me. God forbid I should feel special. We had sex twice. Mainly because he was one-minute man, and your dick is bigger. Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you feel better?” she yells.

“You’re calling me an asshole, but he’s a
nice
guy? He slept with a married woman! Why wouldn’t I be an ass, Avery? You fucked someone else! I’m sorry it seems impossible that I actually have a hard time with that. You’re unbelievable.”

“You’re a hypocrite. In college, you told me that you slept with anything that moved. You can’t tell me you didn’t fuck someone who was in a relationship. I’m sorry, okay? What do you want me to do? I can’t take it back. Maybe you should have been a better fucking husband, and I wouldn’t have fallen into bed with the first nice guy who showed me some attention!” Her hands slam down on the table, causing the plates to rattle.

Her words push me over the edge, and I calmly tell her exactly what I think. “Call me a hypocrite all you want, but I’m not a cheater. I never slept with anyone who was in a relationship. I never crossed that line. Yeah, I should have been a better husband, but that doesn’t mean you can sleep with someone else.”

My voice raises with every sentence. “
You
aren’t the one wondering if you can trust me.
You
aren’t the one who has to wonder if every time I go off somewhere and start drinking if I’m going to sleep with the first
nice
girl.
You
aren’t the one who knows that this fucking marriage didn’t matter! That’s not what’s running through your mind, Avery, because you’re the one acting like a whore. You fucked him after thinking about me. You fucked him while wearing that ring. So, if a hypocrite is the worst thing I am, at least it’s better than what I can call you.”

“A whore?” My hands clench into fists at the word I already regret. “That’s what you think of me? Your wife? I made a mistake. One time. For almost five years, I have done nothing but take care of you. I’m sorry, Jax. How many times do I have to say it? What do you want me to do?”

All she’s doing is making me furious and stabbing me in the heart while doing it. “Don’t bring up the fact that you’re my wife now, Avery. It’s obviously not a strong point since you brought that up before you cheated on me. And you bringing up how you’ve done ‘nothing but take care of me’ is exactly why I wanted to hire someone else.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, but it doesn’t do much good. “I just want you to stop acting like it doesn’t matter. Things weren’t good, I know that. I’m not saying they were and I know it was mostly my fault. But this isn’t like, ‘oh honey, I’m sorry, I wrecked the car’ or ‘I’m sorry. I forgot to pay the light bill.’ You made a bad marriage worse before we could really try to fix it.” I take a moment to take a deep breath.

“While you were gone, do you want to know what I was doing?” I lean forward in my seat, looking her in the eyes. “I was making a decision. A decision that if I couldn’t make you my number one priority because of my job, then I would be done when my contract ran out. I could find a coaching job and do that. I thought it all out and then you come home, spend the day with me, and tell me that you slept with someone else.”

The shock written all over her face kills me. “You… you were going to give up hockey? For me? Are you serious?”

“Yeah, for you. My wife. My wife who for one night,” I hold up a finger, “for one mistake, didn’t care that she had a husband, even if he wasn’t a good one.”

“I don’t know what to say, Jax. I didn’t think you would ever give it up. For anything. Especially for me. Are you just saying this?” Her disbelief pisses me off and saddens me.

“You’re the
only
person I would give it up for. And it’s my fault you don’t even believe I would do such a thing.” How could she not know? Even before all of this shit? I lean back in my seat. “I was ready to show you that I was and then all hell broke loose.”

“Jax, I don’t know what to say.” Avery sobs, a trembling hand covering her mouth. “I didn’t mean to ruin our lives. I would do anything to take it back.” She leaves the table, running off to her bedroom, the sobs echoing down the hall.

Still full of rage, I stand abruptly, my chair scraping loudly against the floor. I grab my keys and slam the door on my way out. I’m pissed at her, and I’m pissed at myself. She didn’t just have sex once; she had sex
twice
. She almost acts as if I should take full responsibility for
her
actions. She called the fucker a nice guy! I’m furious with her. And then I had to go and bring up ending my career, which I wasn’t going to do. It seems even more pointless now because she never thought I’d do such a thing. Have I ever been a good husband to her? I’m pissed at all of this. Not to mention I told her she was acting like a whore and then made her cry.

I’m angry, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care that I did that. What if we can’t get past this? What if, at the end of the day, I look at Avery and all I can see is her with another man? If the fight wasn’t worth it for her before she slept with someone else, how will it be worth it afterwards? What if one choice, one mistake, ruins us forever?

The thought worries me, infuriates me, and scares me all at the same time.

Avery

I hear the front door slam, and I don’t care. He called me a whore. He wanted to hear the details. I thought, for a second, that maybe he was dealing with this better. I’m wrong. We’re right back to square one. Fighting, name-calling, and treating me like shit. I curl into the pillow and sob harder. I miss my Jax. The Jax I fell in love with. The kind-hearted, sweet guy.

I can’t move because I’m crying so hard. I’m upset because he’s right, and I hate to admit it. I’m a whore. I slept with a guy because he seemed nice. After a few flirtatious words, I forgot my marriage and dropped my panties.

Damn it. I’ve turned into my mother.

When the tears slow, I reach for my phone, and call Regina.

“What’s wrong, Squirt?”

“Jax and I fought again.”

She takes a deep breath. “You know that’s going to happen a lot until you rebuild. Think of it as if a tornado ripped away your house. You have to start with the foundation.”

I sniffle and swipe my tears. Regina is always so smart. “What do I do?”

“Keep fighting until you’re bloody and beaten. Figuratively, of course.”

“I’m tired of crying. I want it back like we were when we first married.” I stand up and walk over to my small bookcase in my reading nook. I pull out the album with all our pictures.

“Why don’t you remind him?”

“What?”

“Remind him. Show him the girl he fell in love with. Show him the real Avery. I know that she’s in there. Stop crying, take responsibility for your huge-ass mistake, and win your man back. If you’re too chicken shit, then you’ll lose him, and there’s no one to blame but yourself.”

“When do you get so bright?” I tease her.

“Squirt, I’m a damn genius,” she laughs before hanging up on me. Genie is never one to be on the phone long. She gets to the point, and that’s it.

I sit on the padded bench and open the book. There’s Jax’s bright smiling face. The man I love with his dark eyes gleaming at me. I grin at the picture. I continue through each page, both of us happy and in love.

I laugh at the last two pictures. It’s Jax’s and my wedding. In traditional, classy Las Vegas style, we went to a quickie chapel and were married by Elvis. Well, not
the
Elvis, but a really bad look-alike. I still can’t believe I did it. It was the first impulsive thing I'd ever done. And it was because I knew I wanted to be with Jax forever.

I take the album and lay back in the bed, holding my Jax close to my heart.

~ ~ ~

My eyes flutter open, and I think I’m still dreaming. Jax is in our bed. He’s sitting sideways on the bed, and he’s looking at the album.

“Hi,” my voice cracks.

I see him tense up, but he looks over at me. “Uh, hey. I was just going to tell you that I was about to leave, but I got sidetracked.”

“I was looking at happier times. What are you looking at?”

He stares down at the album. It’s our wedding picture. “The best day of my life, believe it or not.”

“Mine, too.”

We sit in silence for a moment, and I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing I am. How happy we were? Or the fact we spent the rest of that day in bed, making love?

I clear my throat and sit up. “Can I ride to the game with you? I haven’t been to one in a long while, but you used to say you liked me in the stands.”

“Yeah, if you want, I guess so.” He shrugs, closing the book.

I don’t have a lot of time to get ready. I quickly brush my teeth and throw my hair up in a ponytail. I run over to the closet and slide into my favorite ripped jeans and my Gamblers T-shirt. On the back, it says The Wife and has Jax’s number eighty-seven on it. I grab my purse, phone, and jacket as I head out the door to meet Jax in the car.

He heads toward the rink, and I look over at him. He’s in his dark blue suit, one of my favorites, with a bright yellow silk tie.

“I’m sure you don’t remember, but I didn’t think I was going to like hockey when you dragged me to that first game. Do you remember?”

After a few seconds, he answers. “I remember. You didn’t know what the hell was going on unless someone scored,” he chuckles. “I remember trying to impress you. I’ve never wanted to score as badly as I did that night. I wanted it to be my best game ever since it was your first game.”

“You didn’t score,” I remind him. “But I was impressed that you stayed on your feet when you kept getting slammed into the boards.” I giggle, remembering how many times he had been hit that night. It was like he had a target on his back.

“It was hard, that’s for sure. I didn’t want to fall in front of you, yet.”

The car grows silent as we get closer to the rink.

“Jax,” I know that I shouldn’t say anything because he needs to focus on his game, but I need to know. “Will we ever get there again? Will we be the couple who got married one morning and didn’t care how everyone said we were crazy?”

“I don’t know, Avery, but I hope so.”

My heart thumps with anticipation of thinking we could be what we once were. I remember Regina’s words. I made a mistake. I want to fight. “I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m sorry, Jax. This is my fault. I know it. I should have been an adult and talked to you. I shouldn’t have let it go on as long as it did. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was being selfish. I put myself first, and that wasn’t right. I hope you can forgive me.”

“We’re both to blame. I’m sorry, too.”

“I’m sorry I yelled earlier. You had the right to ask all those questions. You needed to know I’m not knocked up nor do I have some disease. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

He glances at me. “I’m sorry for calling you a whore. I don’t think you are one.” He takes a deep breath, and I can see the pain on his face. “And I’m sorry for making you cry.”

For the rest of the drive, we stay in quiet. I want to hold his hand so badly. I want to touch him. I haven’t had sex with my husband in almost seven months. I miss him.

He pulls into his place at the parking garage, parks, and we walk inside. There are several other players and family members around us.

“Good luck, Jax.” I lean in closer to him, smelling his cologne. “Try to score; Ashton’s up by one.”

He smirks at me. “I’ll try my best.” He leans toward me and I think he may kiss me or at least give me a hug, but he doesn’t. Jax looks at me for moment and then walks away.

Somewhere in all the darkness of yelling, name-calling, and pain, there’s light at the end of it all. I know that he can still feel the love and pull between us. I stand there, watching him stroll down the long corridor, running his hands through his mop of messy black hair, knowing that I’ll continue to do anything for him and our marriage.

As I sit in the players’ family box, a lot of the wives, and kids too, talk to me. I never felt like I fit in because Jax and I don’t have kids. Even though everyone is very kind to me, I could always tell they looked at me differently because I’d kept my career. After telling several of the wives that I’m no longer a nurse, they seem more open to me.

I’m a ball of nerves when the lights go down and the team skates out onto the ice. Like always, my husband, number 87, is last out of the tunnel, bumping fists with the fans leaning over the rail to touch him.

The light blue jerseys stand out against the white of the ice. The crowd cheers as each Gambler is announced, but the roar is louder when Jax appears on the jumbotron. I clap loudly seeing his serious face on the screen as he stretches out on the ice. What is it about Jax stretching that I could stare at all day?

I shake the horny thoughts out of my mind as the crowd dies down before the drop of the puck. With ease, Jax stands up and glides over to center ice.

Game on.

Jax gains possession of the puck, and I can see the intensity in his eyes. He wants to win this game. He wants to lead the league in points, especially if it means beating Ashton.

After a rough first period, both teams are scoreless. The Nebraska Bucks are gunning for Jax. When the second period begins, Jax is quick to score. I jump up, clapping and cheering for him, watching the team celebrate on the ice. Soon after, he catches a breakaway and scores again. I wonder sometimes if he realizes how easy he makes it look.

I’m on the edge of my seat when the third period starts. We’re tied, and I don’t like it. Jax’s face is like stone. You can’t tell if he’s nervous or not. I watch him jump off the bench and push himself to the other side of the ice. He slaps his stick on the ice, yelling for the puck. It’s quickly passed to him, and on one knee, he slaps it into the back of the net.

Hat trick!

The crowd explodes, and I’m yelling at the top of my lungs. Jax has had several in the past, but this one seems more special. We’ve had a rough time, but we can still overcome. My heart is bursting with pride watching the fans throw their hats onto the ice and staring at the replays on the big screen.

That’s my husband.

The smile is still plastered on my face as I lean against his Mustang waiting for him. When he walks out with other teammates, he looks happy and relaxed. He looks like my Jax before I broke his heart.

“Well?” he asks coming up to me.

“It was better than the first game I went to.” I wink at him.

Jax comes closer to me and takes my hand. It’s a small gesture, but it means everything to me. It’s the first time he’s touched me since I told him about my cheating. “Let’s go home.”

~ ~ ~

I thought we were making progress and that he might actually have slept in our bed last night. Even though he didn’t, I wake up with a plan. I sit in front of the laptop, deleting email after email when I remember what Regina said.

Show him the girl he fell in love with.

An idea hits me like a puck to the head. I’m going to fight and I’m going to win. I set the plan in motion, grab my jacket, and race out the door.

~ ~ ~

I’m standing outside the locker room door. My palms are sweaty because I’m hoping that this works as I’ve planned. Several of the guys come out, waving and saying ‘hello’, and lastly, there’s my Jax.

“Hi, Jax.”

“Hey, what are you doing here?” He looks confused.

“Well, see, this is our first date again,” I tell him brightly.

“Our first date?” He shakes his head, not understanding.

“I want to start again. I want to take you out on a lunch date.” I hold up the small, but heavy cooler. “I know you’re done with practice, but I wasn’t sure which sandwich you liked.” I let him peek inside and he can see that it’s everything he brought to me on our first date at the hospital.

I’m rewarded with a smile. “Well, let’s go find out then.”

“There aren’t any benches, so we can sit up in the stands or maybe on the hood of the car? You pick.”

“Let’s sit in the stands.” He takes the cooler from me, and I follow him down the tunnel to the stands.

We find a seat, and I open it up. “Gentlemen’s choice. Which one do you want?” On our date, he let me pick first. This time, I want him to.

“I’m thinking I’ll go in blind and hope for the best.” He reaches into the cooler with his eyes closed.

“Ah, a man of danger. I like that in a guy.”

He laughs, and my inside flip at his smile. “Picking a sandwich at random is pretty dangerous.” He takes a bite, and I know instantly what’s wrong. “Ugh, mayo. Maybe we should switch?”

It’s my turn to giggle, and I hand him mine because I know roast beef is his favorite. “So, Jax, what do you do for a living?” I hoping he’ll play along.

“I play the rough and dangerous,” he winks, “game of hockey. You?”

“Mmm,” I moan seductively at him. “More danger, I like that. I was a nurse, but I recently made a career change and I’m a personal assistant and accountant for some hockey player.” I wave my hand like it isn’t a big deal.

“So, Avery, aside from liking mayo, what else do you like?” He continues to inhale his sandwich.

“Well, I love Broadway musicals and hope one day to go to New York City and actually see one, but for now, I settle for the traveling shows. What about you? Hobbies?”

“I like to gamble here and there,” he smirks. “I’m pretty boring as far as hobbies go, aren’t I?”

I fake gasp at him. “I don’t know because this is our first date.” I try to keep a straight face, but fail. “I’m sure you’re not boring at all. You sound like a busy guy.” I look down at my watch, remembering he can’t hang out with me too long. “Our short lived date is over. Someone needs to go watch films with the coaches.”

He pops in the last bit of food into this mouth and washes it down with a bottle of water. “Thanks, Avery.” The corners of his mouth twitch. “Are you going to call me for a second date?”

I hiss through my teeth, trying to act unsure as I shake my head. “I’m not sure. I mean, you seem a bit pushy, but I might.” I wink at him, grab the cooler, and head down from the stands.