The Wrong Lawyer (12 page)

It was just past
four in the morning when I unlocked my apartment door.

The adrenalin must
have still been pumping through my veins during the drive home because I was
fully alert. Normally I’d be struggling to keep my eyes open while driving at
that ungodly hour.

However as soon as
I entered the safety of my own apartment, fatigue overtook me and I didn’t even
bother to unpack.

I simply used the
bathroom and crawled into bed.

It was well after
eleven o’clock when I finally woke back up.

I ate some cereal
and toast for a late breakfast and while washing the few dishes afterwards, I
spotted an envelope on the carpet near the door.

It was a brief
note from Corbett informing me that he and Lynne had booked a European river cruise
after all and wouldn’t return to Kingston until very late on Monday, the 29
^th
.

Although I felt
pleased for Jim, it was disappointing news for me.

Here I was back
from the world’s most exciting vacation and I had nobody to tell about it.

I unpacked my trip
case and found the list of names of the various Canadian border agents who had
accosted me last night.

For the briefest
of moments I contemplated making an appointment with a lawyer so that I could
at least tell someone about my near brush with death. That bullet had been
dangerously close to putting me in a coffin.

I spent the
afternoon doing mundane tasks like laundry as well as going over the bit of
mail that had accumulated during my brief absence.

Later on I was
able to sort out the problem with my credit card. The call center managed to
override the “DO NOT HONOR” instruction which had been placed on it. They were
unable to explain how the card had been rendered temporarily unusable.

To verify that the
card was operable again, I went out and purchased some groceries using it. At
least that minor irritation had been resolved.

On Monday I
contacted a couple of the downtown Las Vegas casinos to get things underway to
remove my name from their casino blacklists, but all I got was the runaround so
I gave up.

As an exceedingly
small-time gambler, the freebies I earned from the use of my casino player’s
cards were minimal, so it was no big deal to play the slot machines without
using my cards.

I felt that my
vacation had been stolen from me and I defiantly decided to book a trip back to
Vegas as soon as Homeland Security could assure me that I was no longer on any
terrorist or child pervert list.

On Tuesday morning
my new cell phone rang, the first time it had ever done so. I fumbled around
for a moment trying to figure out how to work it and soon found myself talking
with Lieutenant Burgess of Homeland Security.

“Hello, Mr.
Kennedy. I trust that you finally made it safely home.”

“Yes, Lieutenant,
and I’ve even managed to get my credit card operational again. Do you have any
good news for me regarding our naughty Special Agent friend?”

“It’s a mixed bag,
I’m sorry to say. The good news is that we were able to determine that he was
the culprit who issued the sex pervert abduction warning against your passport
number, and he has been severely reprimanded for that action.”

“I’m hoping you
can force him to remove my name from the downtown Las Vegas casino blacklists
and to undo any other devious little slurs he put in place against me. The two
casinos I contacted yesterday were not helpful in sorting me out. What exactly
is a ‘severe reprimand’ anyway? It doesn’t sound very onerous.”

“That’s the bad
news. The big bosses around here have determined that the gentleman’s quiet but
ground-breaking success in enhancing the capability of collating and retrieving
information from the mass of meta data makes him a priceless asset. Instead of
being forced into retirement, he has snared a big promotion. A ‘severe
reprimand’ is really no more than saying ‘BAD BOY, DON’T DO THAT AGAIN’. He
won’t be subject to any other penalties.”

“That’s
distressing news. That misfit almost got me killed at the border. I literally
heard the whoosh of the bullet whizzing past my face.”

“I totally
sympathize with your concerns, Mr. Kennedy, but the man is now considered to be
a valuable partner in the war on terror.”

“Is there anything
to stop him from continuing his personal feud with me?”

“He has promised
to leave you alone and for your sake, I hope he meant it. I don’t expect to be
contacting you again, Mr. Kennedy. You have my number just in case the new
Deputy Assistant Director of Information decides to harass you further.”

“Oh, God, is that
what his new title is?”

“I’m afraid so. He
jumped several levels in the hierarchy and is now about as close to the top as
anyone can get. The two or three tiers above him are political appointments and
rarely attainable by ordinary employees. Good luck, Mr. Kennedy. I sincerely
hope that I don’t hear from you again.”

I was quite miffed
when I got off the phone.

The little nut job
had turned his atrocious criminal activity into a fat promotion.

It seemed to
pervert the whole process of civil service.

The cream was
supposed to rise to the top, not the slime.

In the meantime I
was alone.

On Tuesday evening
I was still seething over my conversation with Lieutenant Burgess.

By the time I had
cracked open my fourth beer, I had an epiphany.

I wasn’t alone
after all. Matthews was almost certainly continuing to spy extensively on me. His
obsessive personality wouldn’t permit him to give up the battle so quickly, and
he would be waiting like a spider watching my every move in the patient hope
that he’d find something humiliating to use against me.

After all, I had
deeply offended him by claiming to be his clear intellectual superior.

I decided to
contact Matthews indirectly to prove my assumption.

While seated near
both my cell phone and the land line, I started to speak aloud.

“This is Tom
Kennedy, the brilliant Canadian lawyer who personally rescued Bander Haddad
from the clutches of Special Agent Harlan D. Matthews by the deviously clever
use of The Washington Independent and a gorgeous young escort named Mandy
Franklin. By the way, I assume your middle initial ‘D’ is short for ‘Dickhead’.
I understand you landed on your feet, Matthews and scored a promotion from your
failed attempts to upset me. I should collect a percentage of your new
paycheck. Since my best and only friend is off on a cruise, I’ve got nobody to
talk to about my strange vacation. That’s why I decided I may as well contact
you since I’m sure that you’re using me as one of your primary guinea pigs to
test your sick surveillance prowess. Reading you like a book is just another
link in my growing chain of proof that I’m smarter than you. Give me a call
when you get bored and I’ll tell you a few hooker jokes.”

I assumed that
some of the keywords in my message would flag my little speech in the main surveillance
computer and that Matthews would soon be listening to what I had just said.

The following
evening my theory was proven correct.

The cell phone
rang and I recognized the precise clipped voice immediately as it asked, “Is
this Kennedy?”

“You know it is,
Harlan. It didn’t take you long to receive my lonely little cry for attention.
I made sure that I tossed in plenty of keywords.”

“I’m in the same
boat as you are. As annoying as I find you, you’re the only guy I can talk to
about my creation. The big political bosses here want to extract as much
technology as they can from me but don’t want any proof to exist that they were
informed about what pioneering surveillance ground I’m breaking.”

“Does that mean
that your ass will be on the line if your work goes public?”

“That’s right. I’ll
be the scapegoat if word gets out, the unsung hero if it remains Homeland’s
dirty little secret.”

“Are they
listening to us right now?” I asked.

“They’re recording
this conversation but they can’t access it. I’m the only one who knows how to
filter the meta data that’s being collected. That enhancement is my inventive
masterpiece.”

“Why don’t you
sell it to them?”

“There’s nothing
to sell because they already own it. As an employee of Homeland, anything I
invent on the job belongs completely to them. Getting the promotion was the
most I was able to squeeze out of them.”

“How come nobody seems
to realize that private conversations of the public are being collected even
when people aren’t speaking on a telephone or by e-mail?”

“Edward Snowden
didn’t have access to all the government’s surveillance endeavors, only those
aspects collected by the NSA. Homeland is the entity that planted recording
devices reporting solely to their main computer system in virtually all newer
phones and cell phones no matter where the equipment was being manufactured.
Their well-kept secret is known only by a few people at the highest level of
government as well as a handful of techies.”

“How did you find
out?”

“It was a complete
fluke. The filter that I was developing began collecting non-telephone
conversations all on its own. I put two and two together and incorporated that
unexpected data into my collating system.”

“I can’t say that
I like the end result,” I admitted, “but it is quite impressive how thoroughly
the government is able to spy on its citizens. Why did you pick on Bander
Haddad?”

“I thought I’d
help out our military effort to stop ISIS by forcing the Saudi government to permit
a much more invasive US military presence in their country. Perhaps I was being
too proactive in what I did. It was probably a good thing that your presence threw
a monkey wrench into my ill-conceived plan.”

“If we’re going to
be friends, Harlan, then I’d appreciate it if you would undo all the little
thistles you threw into my life. My vacation to Las Vegas got well and truly
screwed up. They wouldn’t let me gamble in the casinos and every kind of cop
imaginable kept arresting me. I want to book another trip there soon.”

“Consider it done.
I’ll see to everything right away. Keep your cell phone turned on. I’ll give
you another call in a couple of days to confirm that your once boring life has
been completely restored.”

When I hung up the
phone, it struck me as incredibly weird that I was now privy to one of the most
closely guarded spying secrets in the US government.

Even more bizarre
was the fact that it appeared that I was developing a friendship with the very
chap who had caused me so much grief.

Life was certainly
strange.

On Friday evening
Harlan called again.

“Your life is
completely back to normal now,” he began. “I took you off the blacklist at all
the casinos and the no-fly list at those airlines which hadn’t already deleted
your name. I noticed that you already managed to get your credit card
reinstated and the pervert alert removed from your passport. Tommy, you’re free
to travel again.”

“I’m glad to hear
that, Harlan. Thanks for that. I think I’ll check prices on Expedia and book
another holiday to Las Vegas before Christmas.”

“Let me know when
you’re going and I may fly there myself and keep you company,” Harlan
responded. “Right now, I sort of need your assistance with my research.”

“What can I do? I
don’t know a thing about spying on people.”

“Since my
experiments are totally clandestine, I’m unable to verify much of my progress.
All I need you to do is give me a challenge.”

“What kind of
challenge?”

“Point me in the
direction of a target, somebody you know well. I’ll prepare a little report on
that subject and you can listen to it and confirm that it’s the right person.
I’m attempting to refine my retrieval system so that it doesn’t rely on the
subjects themselves uttering the key words.”

“I don’t think
I’ll be much help right now. I’ve only got one friend, Jim Corbett, but he’s on
a river cruise in Europe.”

“That will
constitute a severe challenge. Do you know which ship he’s on?”

“I think so. Jim
left me a note under my door. Hang on a second and I’ll read it off to you.”

“It’s not much to
go on, Tommy, but leave it with me. I’ll call you back on Sunday evening around
seven and you can let me know if I’ve zeroed in on the right target.”

On Saturday I took
my car in for an oil change. The mechanic said it would cost more than $300 to
fix the damage in the passenger door so I decided to live with the unwanted
souvenir bullet instead.

Harlan called as
arranged on Sunday evening. His voice had that tone of excited naughtiness that
you might expect of a mischievous child.

“I’ve put together
an interesting little morsel for your listening pleasure, Tommy. All I need you
to do first is verify that it is your friend’s voice.”

Harlan played a
few sentences. It was Jim all right and I confirmed that it was my best friend
speaking.

“Excellent; that
means my collating system was capable of finding the subject without the
requirement of him using enough of the keywords as a trigger. All I did was
feed in your friend’s name and the cabin number he had been assigned, and the
computer began collecting and sorting information. I was up most of the night
condensing the data into a short presentation. I must warn you though that the
content is a bit shocking. Your friend seems to be having as terrible a
vacation as you were just put through.”

Harlan’s
presentation accentuated what an abhorrent invasion of privacy was being
perpetrated by the spying agencies.

I listened to
various snippets of conversation between Jim and Lynne. Harlan stressed that he
had strung together pieces from several different time periods during the
cruise and that his retrieval system only had access to what was said in the
cabin itself.

The result was
shocking both because of its content and because Harlan and I were snooping
into the most intimate facet of Jim’s life. In short, we were invading his
bedroom.

In the first
segment, Jim and Lynne were having a mild argument. Harlan explained that this
bit took place on Tuesday.

“I thought you
were at least a bit adventurous,” Lynne barked. “How do you know that a brothel
is disgusting unless you try it? I wanted to have sex with a professional stud.
Surely you would have enjoyed sampling a delicious young temptress.”

“That’s not
adventurous,” Jim answered angrily. “That’s depraved. I’ve never availed myself
of the services of a prostitute and I’m certainly not going to start at my age,
especially while I’m on a lovely cruise with the woman I’ve fallen in love
with.”

“Well, if you
really want to impress this woman, then you’ve got to rid yourself of some of
that old-fashioned stuffiness.”

The next segment
apparently took place yesterday morning and I was mortified after I heard it.

It began with Jim
entering the cabin and finding Lynne in bed with another man. Jim ordered the
fellow out immediately and then turned his wrath on Lynne.

“I’m stupefied
that you would accompany me on this romantic cruise and then turn around and
have sex with one of the crew right in our own cabin. This is the most
egregious affront imaginable and I don’t want anything more to do with you. I’m
packing my things and moving into another cabin.”

“Don’t be an old
fuddy-duddy Jim. It wasn’t even a fling, just a romp in the sack which didn’t
even get fully completed. Come to bed and finish what you interrupted. I’m
still horny.”

“Lynne, we’re
clearly from completely different worlds. Words can’t adequately express my
horror at what I’ve just witnessed.”

There were the
unmistakable sounds of a suitcase being packed and then Jim said, “Goodbye,
Lynne. Please don’t ever contact me again.”

“You don’t have to
worry about that, Mr. Boring.”

The clunk of the
cabin door being slammed shut was the final sound.

“And you thought
your vacation was the pits,” Harlan snickered.

“This is
completely wrong, Harlan. How can I possibly face Jim when he gets back home?
The type of information you’re gathering is intensely personal.”

“You’re certainly
right in this case, but in other circumstances, we can obtain evidence of a
terrorist conspiracy and stop it before it takes place. There’s a delicate
trade-off between exposing terrorism and privacy.”

We argued about
that for a while but neither of us could convince the other.

For Harlan it was
a game and an extreme challenge.

In the end we
agreed to remain friends but that I wouldn’t be assisting in any further
experiments.

Harlan had
recruited the wrong lawyer to be his partner in blasting away the public’s
right to privacy in the name of better security.