The Worst Girlfriend in the World (32 page)

The Martin Sanderson high was fading now, almost gone, and reality had me firmly back in its icy clutches. A reality where I’d go back to Merrycliffe because I didn’t have much choice and it would be like the argument had never happened. Dad would go away for weeks and weeks and Mum would get worse and worse and I couldn’t just ignore it if it seemed like she was going to top herself or something. ‘
I have to go to college now, Mum, please try not to kill yourself for the next few hours
.’

‘Maybe things will be better,’ Alice suggested weakly. ‘Your dad keeps calling me. Have you blocked
his
number too? By the way, you need to stop doing that. It’s so passive-aggressive.’

I flushed. ‘Well, yeah. What has he said to you?’

‘Now that he’s established that technically I’m with you, he keeps ringing to speak to you. Says it’s urgent and I could hardly tell him that we’d said loads of evil things to each other and that you’d run off on your own, even though it was your first time in London and we manage to get completely lost whenever we go to Blackpool. I had to keep saying you were in the loo.’

‘Did he sound angry?’ I couldn’t help but cringe.

Alice shook her head. ‘More like he’s worried about you being violated by the rock group you said you were running away with. Somehow, I can’t imagine Thee Desperadoes violating anything except a Ginster’s pasty.’

‘True that.’ I hoped our friendship wasn’t like the crumbled muffin debris scattered over our napkins. That our AliceandFrannyness could become whole again. Maybe different to how it had been but still there. ‘Alice, I’m sorry for not seeing that we were starting to fall apart. I can’t promise that everything will get fixed, but I still love you. Do you still love me?’

‘Of course I do,’ she said right away, like she didn’t even have to think about it. Then she did think about it. ‘But not in a lezzy way.’

I shook my head. ‘Goes without saying.’

It was time to leave Caffè Nero because we were both hungry for something a bit more substantial than a triple chocolate muffin that had been mashed beyond repair.

We gathered up our stuff and left, just in time to bump into Thee Desperadettes.

‘Franny B!’ they all pretty much said in unison. ‘Where have you been?’

I wasn’t sure they’d appreciate the amazingness that was my afternoon with Jamie or EVEN believe that I’d hung out in the flat above Martin Sanderson’s shop. Besides, it was cool to share a secret with Alice again. ‘I went to Notting Hill on the bus. Two pounds forty! Can you believe it?’

They couldn’t. They also couldn’t believe Alice and I were hanging out together of our own free will. I pushed her forward. Alice was wearing her bitchface, which transformed into a pout when I poked her in the ribs and glared at her. ‘OK, I’m swearing off boys who are already going out with someone,’ she said sulkily. ‘Though any boy who dumps his girlfriend without a second thought isn’t worth washing our hair for. Right?’

Alice logic was hard to deny. ‘We’re friends again,’ I said, and I hoped that might seal the deal though Thee Desperadettes, particularly Bethany, didn’t seem that convinced. ‘Not only does she have mad boy-whispering skillz, but Alice once made me laugh so hard that I wet myself.’

‘I did,’ Alice said. ‘Though one time Franny baked some banana cupcakes that made me vom so we’re pretty even when it comes to bodily fluids.’

‘She doesn’t bite when you get to know her,’ I said to Lexy because Lexy was the unofficial leader of Thee Desperadettes. Once you got Lexy on side, the rest usually followed, although Bethany was giving Alice side eye like it would be a long, long time before she rolled out the welcome mat.

Lexy nodded coolly at Alice like she was on probation, then turned to me. ‘We wanted to get some tea but we went to a fish and chip shop ’cause everywhere else was quite scary and they wanted eleven fifty for haddock and chips. The haddock was the size of a fish finger.’

‘Eleven fifty!’ Kirsten and Bethany echoed.

‘I did some research this week for places to go in Camden and there’s this chain called Wagamama. It does noodles and Japanese stuff but it doesn’t seem too fancy. Bit spendy though,’ I said, pulling out my BlackBerry. ‘It’s on Jamestown Street. Where’s that?’

When we got to Wagamama, we discovered it was communal dining, but there were six of us sitting on one large table so it wasn’t that communal, especially when Lexy got a text from the boys, who wanted to meet up and get some tea as well.

Louis! That was the one thing me and Alice still had to sort out and now I remembered the way I’d angrily removed his comforting hand. Yeah, I was reliving the scene in the minibus in a slo-mo action replay, including the bit when Louis had told me that I wasn’t sexy.

It was all right now because I was in a girlspace. Girls knew when there was stuff you didn’t want to talk about but I’d learned very quickly over the last few weeks that despite what Francis had said, boys weren’t as evolved as us. Or Louis wasn’t.

But what Louis might think of me didn’t seem as important as what Francis must have thought as he heard me screech horrible things at Alice. Then I’d run away and brought all this drama when he really needed a stress-free weekend in London away from all the horrors of home.

My stomach was doing the knotty thing again and suddenly the plan to have a bowl of teriyaki salmon ramen, which came with something described as a tea-stained egg, wasn’t such a great idea. Not when I felt like I might hurl.

‘So, what happened after I left?’ I hissed at Alice, who was having a slightly stilted conversation with Kirsten. ‘What did the boys say?’

‘You mean Louis,’ she said tartly. Having the Louis conversation with her was going to suck.

‘Well, Louis, but mainly Francis. Is he pissed off with me?’

Alice wiggled her head from side to side. ‘He’s hard to read. Muttering something about going to Soho to look for you in some fabric shops.’

I hoped he hadn’t spent hours searching for me when I hadn’t been anywhere near Soho. Though I wasn’t sure exactly how far Soho was from Notting Hill. I’d ruined any plans he might have had to hang out with London mates or soundcheck and stuff.

‘I bet he’s pissed off with me now,’ I said, my voice all high-pitched and gaspy. Alice looked at me with amusement.

‘Oh, Franny, you’re having too many feelings again,’ she said, which wasn’t very helpful so it was a relief when her phone rang.

‘Oh hello, Mr Barker,’ Alice said as she stared at me. ‘No, she’s not in the loo, she’s sitting right here. I’ll pass the phone over.’

I batted away her outstretched hand. ‘I can’t!’ I whispered. ‘I’m not ready to talk to him.’

‘This is about the tenth time he’s called so you’re just going to have to be ready,’ Alice said, as she shoved her phone right in my face. She was all about the tough love lately.

It was a struggle to swing my legs over the bench seat without flashing my gusset and kicking Kirsten, but I managed it, then scurried to the door. ‘Hi,’ I muttered as I reached the street. ‘I’m all right. I know I said I was going to London with a rock group but it’s not quite as bad as I made it seem.’

‘Are you in London?’ Dad asked. It was hard to get a gauge on what he was feeling. And by feeling, I meant exactly how angry he was with me.

‘Yeah,’ I replied.

‘With a rock group?’

‘Yeah, but that kind of sends out the wrong idea. They’re not a very good rock group. Not that they’re badly behaved, just that their music sucks.’

‘And are you planning on coming home?’ It was still that mild voice but that mild voice could quickly turn into a shouting voice or a voice that used to stop my allowance in the days before I started earning my own spending money.

I sighed. ‘I am but I don’t really want to.’

I heard Dad sigh too, then silence. It was long enough that I wondered if we’d been cut off but then he sighed again. ‘I didn’t realise that things with your mum had got so bad.’

‘Well, I think you kind of did and that’s why you’re hardly ever around.’ I was shocked at my own daring but I only had the guts to say this over the phone. I didn’t think I could ever say this to his face. It was the one thing I hadn’t been able to yell at him that morning.

‘I take the long runs because they pay better and we need the money now that your mother isn’t working,’ Dad said and we were back to this tired old dance again.

‘But we never talk about why isn’t she working any more,’ I persisted. ‘And don’t tell me that I don’t need to worry about it because you leave me to deal with her for weeks and weeks and all I do is worry. She stops taking her pills and she hasn’t gone to her group for months and she’s either totally OCD and manic or she’s in bed and it’s all I can do —’

‘Franny…’

‘I didn’t want to screw up my GCSEs. It was the last thing I wanted to do and she promised that if I didn’t tell you she’d start getting better. She was scared that she’d have to go away again and it didn’t make her better last time. Not really. I don’t think she’s ever going to get better and be who she was when —’

‘Franny,’ Dad said more forcefully. ‘Just shut up for a second, pet. I’m putting your mum on the phone now.’

‘No! Don’t!’ It was too late. There was a muffled silence as he passed the phone over and then I heard a snuffly sound.

‘Franny? Do you hate me very much?’

I sighed. ‘No. It’s just… well, I don’t feel like you love me any more. If you did, then you wouldn’t treat me the way you do. You’d want to get better for me, not just when Dad’s around; not just because you don’t want to go away again.’

‘I know. For what it’s worth I’m sorry.’ I wasn’t sure that she was going to say any more than that. Then she snuffled again. ‘It’s hard to explain. When I’m having one of my bad days, it’s like I’m outside of myself and I can’t get back in. Do you know what I mean?’

I thought back to what Alice had said about how I would shut her out when I was going through stuff and maybe I sort of did know what Mum meant. ‘I suppose. But it’s just as scary for me as it is for you. There have been times when I was worried that I was going to come home and find you de —’

‘Don’t even say that, Franny! Don’t even think it.’ Mum sniffed like the tears weren’t that far away. ‘Me and your dad had a long talk this morning. I’ve already made an appointment to see the doctor next week. Maybe see if I can have some one-on-one therapy and I promise I’m going to start going to the group again. Thing is, it’s not like mending a broken arm or getting over chicken pox…’

‘I get that,’ I said, but a part of me did still think it was that easy and I was still angry with her. She was only interested in getting better now that Dad knew what had been going on when he wasn’t around. But then, she was still my mum. ‘I just miss you, you know.’

I could hear her swallow hard. ‘Yeah, I miss me too.’ She swallowed again. ‘My head gets so messy, Franny, and I just can’t seem to get it straightened out, but when I take the tablets they make me feel like I’m underwater.’

‘But maybe there are different tablets you can take and I did some googling and this is just an idea, but exercise is meant to be good, you know, for depression and that. You used to do cross-country running when you were my age, didn’t you?’

‘I was second best in the county,’ Mum said proudly. I hadn’t known that. ‘Look, I’m going to see the doctor with your dad and you know what he’s like. He’ll stay there all day until we get a proper treatment plan.’

I’d been starting to feel all kinds of hopeful but now doubt settled in again. ‘But he’s going away soon, isn’t he?’

‘He phoned the depot and said he’ll only do short trips for the time being,’ Mum said. ‘It’ll mean that money’s going to be tight. Or tighter.’

‘I can pay my own way if I have to,’ I said quickly. ‘I’ll even chip in on the housekeeping but —’

‘That’s not what I’m saying,’ Mum snapped and it was actually kind of nice that she was snapping at me in a Mum-ly kind of way. ‘We don’t need you to do that. I just want you to know…’

‘Also, I’m still going to do a fashion degree. I’m the only person who gets to decide on what my future’s going to be. I’ll find the money for my tuition fees or I’ll do what everyone else does and run up some student debt.’ I didn’t want to mention scholarships or grants because I didn’t want to jinx my luck. ‘I’m not giving up on my dreams.’

‘I’m not asking you to. You’ll come home and we’ll figure stuff out; the three of us,’ Mum said, like there was absolutely no wiggle room.

It was like she said; there was no magic button to press that would make everything better and turn us into a happy family, but what she was proposing made the thought of coming home not quite so awful.

‘Right, so I’m sorry for storming off like that and… did I drop any swears?’

Mum actually laughed. ‘Nothing above a twelve rating. We were very impressed with that. Obviously, we did something right bringing you up.’

‘You did lots of things right.’

‘Well, that’s good to know, and I’m sorry, Franny, that you’ve had to go through all this and that I just haven’t been there for you. That I’ve made you feel so scared and unhappy. It cuts me right up. I want us to get back to that place where you feel like you can tell me anything, pet. Where you’re free to act like a stroppy teenager and not have to be the grown-up. That’s what I want.’ Mum made this awful choking sound like she was really going to cry this time, which almost set me off. ‘Now I’m handing you back to your Dad because he wants to know what you’re getting up to with this rock group.’