The World Outside (21 page)

S
unday arrived and I went to Prospect Park to meet David, as planned. He was waiting for me at our usual bench.

“I was afraid that you wouldn’t come,” he said.

“I told you I would.”

“Did you have any trouble on the way here? I was worried about you. I wanted to come and get you, but I didn’t know if you’d told your parents that you were meeting me.”

I nodded. “They know.”

“That’s a relief. No more sneaking around!”

“The streets are quiet now. Nobody would even guess what happened here a few days ago if it wasn’t for all the boarded-up windows and burned-out cars. There are also a lot of police around.”

I sat down on the bench and slid to the opposite
end. It would be easier to tell him what I had to say if he wasn’t so close.

He laughed. “Just like the first time we met. You’ll never change, Chanie!”

This was the opening I needed. “No, I don’t think I will ever change. David, I have to tell you something.”

He held up his hand. “There’s something I want to get off my chest first. I’m too nervous to wait.”

He stood up and began to pace on the path in front of the bench.

“Stop it! You’re scaring me.”

“Sorry!” He laughed and plopped down beside me again.

He leaned toward me, and I knew that he was going to kiss me. Butterflies began to perform their familiar dance in my stomach, but I forced myself to shift even farther away, until I almost fell off the bench. “You know I can’t!”

Oh, if he only knew how much I wanted to! The Evil Inclination had sat down between us and was clapping his hairy hands.

He sighed. “I wish I didn’t.”

He leaned closer. I stayed where I was because moving even another inch would have landed me on the grass.

“Chanie, would you agree that we’re both mature? Not our ages, I mean, but in the sense that we both know what we want in life?”

“Maybe you know what you want, but I’m not always so sure. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter what we want.”

His face softened. “I definitely know what I want. I know that I love you and that I want to marry you.”

When I started to speak, he stopped me.

“Listen to me. I know we’re young, but people can find each other at any time in their lives. I’ve thought everything through carefully. I won’t go back to school but I’ll get a job instead. The lab might keep me on during the winter session. I could even take courses at night school.”

“But—”

“Let me finish, please! We’ll manage. It won’t be easy, but we will. And best of all, we’ll be together. You’ll be able to study at Juilliard and we’ll be happy. Yes, your parents will be angry at first, but I’m sure they’ll get used to the idea.” He moved so close that his breath fanned my face. “So what do you say, Chanie Altman? Will you marry me?”

It was my turn to stand up and pace. My head was filled with all kinds of confusing thoughts. Then I remembered Moishe and Baba, and I knew what I had to say, even if it broke both our hearts. I stopped in front of him. “You’re right. We would be happy. And I do love you too.”

He jumped up, arms extended.

I backed away from him. “I love you, but I can’t marry you.”

The Evil Inclination hung his head and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

David’s arms dropped. “What do you mean? Why not?”

“My parents couldn’t bear it if I left them too.”

“I don’t want to sound heartless, but you must know that they would eventually get used to it.”

“It’s not just my parents … I’m Lubavitch. That’s who I am. I belong in Crown Heights with my people, with the Rebbe.”

“The Rebbe? What has he got to do with us?” David asked angrily.

“Everything. I never told you, but I went to see him for Sunday dollars. I asked him what I should do about Juilliard. He told me that I would have a long and happy life. I thought he meant that I should study music at Juilliard because that would make me happy. But I realize now that he meant something else. He wants me to remain in my community and live the life I am meant to live.”

David stared at me with a puzzled expression. “I don’t understand.”

“The Rebbe is our
Tzaddik
. He knows what’s best for us. I must live the way my baba lived before me and
her baba did before her. If I don’t, Baba’s life will have been wasted.”

“Have you lost your mind?!” he cried. “You want to sacrifice yourself and our happiness to your grandmother’s memory? Is that what she really would have wanted?”

“Sacrifice? I’m not sacrificing anything.” I gestured to the streets outside the park. “This is who I am, David. This is where I belong. I know that now.”

“But what about your music? What about Juilliard? Your career?”

I turned my head so he wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes. “There are more important things in life. I’m needed here. I cannot leave Mama and Papa right after they lost both Moishe and Baba.”

“Don’t you think your parents want you to be happy?”

“They do, but they want me to be happy living the life of a Lubavitcher girl.”

He drew his hand over his face. “What if I move to Crown Heights? What if I become Lubavitch? Will you marry me then?”

I couldn’t help laughing. “Oh, David! I can just imagine you in a black hat with tzitzit! You could never be Lubavitch.”

“I guess you’re right.” He shook his head. “Look at me, Chanie! Really look at me,” he said in a pleading voice.

I did look at him. His eyes were so blue that I had to close my own eyes to shut him out. It didn’t work. Visions of a life that could never be still floated through my mind.

“Good-bye, David,” I whispered, and ran out of the park.

I didn’t even look back.

EPILOGUE
One Year Later
AUGUST
1992

I
t was quiet in Crown Heights. We lived in peace with our neighbors. We even organized basketball games between Lubavitcher and black youths. Life became normal. It would never be normal in the old way, of course—not for the families of Yankel Rosenbaum and Gavin Cato. And not for the rest of us, who had experienced the hatred of our neighbors such a short time ago. But after a while, we forgot about our pain, fear and disappointment, and life went on as before.

One sultry August afternoon, I was doing outreach in Grand Central Station with my friends. We’d been in the City for several hours when Faygie began to gather up the Shabbos candles and booklets we’d brought with us and announced that it was time to go home.

“You’re right. I’m a little tired,” Devorah Leah said, stooping down to help her.

“Me too!”

I packed the rest of the candles and booklets into the shopping bag I’d brought with me, then the three of us set out in the direction of the escalators leading to the trains.

That was when I saw him. David. He passed so close to me that I’d lifted my hand to grasp his arm, to hold him back, before I remembered that it was forbidden. My hand dropped back to my side. He walked by without noticing me. His gaze was fixed on the face of the girl by his side. She had long brown hair, and he was holding her hand. He said something to her, and she laughed and put her head on his shoulder. The crowd of commuters swallowed them up.

I took a deep breath and twisted the thin gold band on the ring finger of my left hand and hurried after my friends.

Shmuli was waiting for me.

Auschwitz
—A concentration camp run by the Nazis in Poland during the Second World War.

Bar mitzvah
—A religious coming-of-age ceremony for Jewish boys when they turn thirteen.

Baruch Hashem
—Thank God.

Chabad-Lubavitch
—A fundamentalist Hasidic sect. It can also be referred to as either Chabad or Lubavitch. A Lubavitcher is a member of this sect. A Chabad House is a center for spreading traditional Judaism.

Chumash
—The text of The Five Books of Moses.

Evil Inclination
—Amorous feelings toward members of the opposite sex.

Farbrengens
—Hasidic assemblies addressed by a Rebbe.

Hashem
—The term religious Jews use in reference to God.

Hasidism
—A Jewish movement founded in Poland in 1750. It emphasizes mysticism, prayer and ritual strictness. A Hasid (
plural
Hasidim) is a member of this movement.

Holocaust
—The genocide of six million Jewish people by the Nazis during the Second World War.

Master of the Universe
—Another way of referring to God.

Messiah
—The anticipated savior of the Jewish people.

Mezuzah
—A case containing a small parchment inscribed with verses from the Torah. It is affixed to the doorframes of Jewish homes.

Mitzvah
—A commandment of Jewish law. It can also refer to a worthy deed.

Mitzvah tank
—A converted motor home or other vehicle that followers of Chabad-Lubavitch use as a portable outreach center.

Outreach
—A campaign to encourage Lubavitchers to reach out to less observant Jews and convince them to undertake certain traditions of Orthodox Judaism. Called
mivtzoim by Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, outreach often includes getting non-observant Jewish men to pray with tefillin and distributing candles to Jewish women before the arrival of the Shabbos. The Rebbe also asked his followers—especially young couples or families—to settle in other parts of the world to bring Torah Judaism to Jews living in those places, in a practice called shlichus. Outreach is the term used to describe both mivtzoim and shlichus in
The World Outside
.

Rebbe
—A Jewish spiritual leader or rabbi, especially of the Hasidic sect.

Shabbos
—The Jewish Sabbath, a day of rest and religious observance. It begins with sunset on Friday night and ends with nightfall on Saturday. Traditionally, the Shabbos is welcomed with a synagogue service followed by a festive meal in the home.

Shiva
—The seven days of mourning that follow a Jewish funeral.

Talmud
—The most significant text for interpreting the Torah.

Tanya
—An early book of Hasidic philosophy, written by the founder of Chabad.

Tefillin
—Two small square boxes containing scriptural passages and traditionally worn by observant Jewish men during prayer.

Torah
—The Five Books of Moses found in the Hebrew Bible. Also called the Pentateuch. In synagogue, the Torah is read from a scroll.

Tzitzit
—A fringed garment worn by observant Jewish men.

Yarmulke
—A skullcap worn by Jewish men.