The Weight of Shadows (3 page)

“Can’t we do that here?”

He winced. “Well, technically, yes, we could.” He was at a loss.
God, help me!
“But you and I don’t need all this space, all these rooms, all this stuff. I promise we’ll take anything you want to bring. But I just thought a change of scenery might do us both some good.”

Maddie patted the little mound of napkin pieces she’d created. “Would I still be able to see Gramma and Grampa?”

“Of course.”
Unfortunately.
“I wasn’t thinking of moving far away. Just to a different neighborhood. But still in Ann Arbor. We could even drive back over here and have playdates with Julie.”

“Can she come visit us?”

“Sure. And maybe we’ll meet some new kids too.”
God, let there be kids there, wherever “there” is, that Maddie gets along with and that aren’t a bad influence.
“So…what do you think?”

She shrugged. “I guess it would be okay.”

Joshua leaned over and wrapped his daughter in a bear hug. “Maddie, you are my hero.”

She giggled. “No Daddy, I’m your princess.”

“Yes, that too.”

“Can I paint my room pink?”

“Sure.”

“And gold?”

“Um, maybe.”

Her eyes lit up again and his heart melted. “How about pink and gold
and
glitter! Glitter
in the paint
!”

He laughed. “How about pink walls with a gold-framed mirror and I’ll let you paint glitter on your curtains and dresser?”

“Deal.”

Joshua heaved a sign of relief as Maddie skipped off to pick her promised princess movie. Pink, gold, and glitter were a small price to pay.
Thank you.

“S
O WHEN WERE YOU HOPING TO LIST
?”

Joshua shrugged. “I don’t know—soon, I guess.” Scott fixed him with a dubious stare. “And you’re sure you have to do this? The market right now—”

Joshua ran a hand through his hair. “I know, I know. The timing couldn’t be worse. That house down the street has been for sale for over a year—and it’s the same floor plan as ours. But seriously, I have no choice. Unless I land a job in the next month, I’m in trouble. My resume is out there, but I know how things are right now—no one is hiring. My severance won’t last long with the medical bills.” Scott looked around the living room. “Well, you guys did a good job on this place. I’ve been in that house down the street—yours will definitely show better. And at least you shouldn’t have a problem finding a new place, given all the stuff on the market.” “I’ll start looking this week. Between that and the job—” “I still can’t believe that. I’m so sorry. Wanna become a realtor?” Scott grinned. “I’ll hire you to my firm as soon as you get your license. Teach you everything I know.”

Joshua laughed. “Too old to teach this dog any new tricks, sorry. Just keep your ears open for me.”

“Will do.”

Maddie tore into the living room from the kitchen. “Gramma and Grampa are here!”

Joshua’s stomach turned to lead. “What?” Maddie sped past him to the door and he looked to his friend. “Not a word about the move.”

“My lips are sealed.”

Both men stood and Scott picked up his coat. “I’ll give you a call this week.”

“Thanks. Say a prayer about—”

“Why is there a realtor’s car in the driveway?” Alisha Michal-son’s brash voice preceded her. She appeared a few seconds later through the front door, holding Maddie’s hand. “And why is this child outside without a coat? She’s going to catch her death of cold.”

Maddie’s eyes bulged. Joshua bit back a sharp rebuke and kept his features neutral for his daughter’s sake. “It’s just a saying, Maddie, she didn’t really mean it.”
Nice choice of words Alisha. Thanks.
“She just ran out to meet you, that’s all. And Scott is just a friend.” He made introductions and exchanged knowing looks with Scott as he scooted past Joshua’s in-laws and out the door. Joshua had forgotten the decal on Scott’s rear windshield that advertised his real estate firm. Not that it mattered, since he hadn’t told Maddie not to mention the move, and it was only a matter of time before—

“Guess what? We’re gonna get a new house!”

And there it is.

“What? What’s this?” Alisha’s stare bore down on Joshua with the weight of an anvil.

“We’re moving. Not far, don’t worry, just to a smaller place that we can make our own, right Maddie?”

“I’m getting a pink princess room.” She hopped in place with giddy excitement, and Joshua smiled and thanked God for her positive attitude.

“Stop jumping, Madeline, it’s not ladylike.” Alisha reached into her pocket and pulled out a
3
Musketeers bar. “That’s for you, darling. Why don’t you go enjoy that in your bedroom and let us talk to your daddy, okay?”

Maddie held the candy bar reverently in her hands, but Joshua reached over and gently took it. “How about we trade this in for some chocolate Rice Dream, kiddo?”

“Okay!”

“You just take our gift from her?” George said, his arthritis-gnarled hands balled into fists on his hips.

“You guys know she’s allergic to milk. Why do you keep bringing things she can’t have?”

“That’s ridiculous, you can’t be allergic to milk. You made this up to be difficult and you know it.”

Lord, give me strength and love and patience and
please
don’t let me go off on them.
“We’ve had this discussion before, there’s no point in having it again.” He tried to keep his tone even, to not let the irritation he felt with their unexpected arrival and general sour dispositions color his words. He ushered everyone into the kitchen, then scooped some Rice Dream into a bowl and gave it to Maddie with a kiss on the forehead. “Let me know right away if you spill so I can clean it up, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy. Thank you.” Cradling the bowl close, Maddie disappeared down the hall, leaving Joshua to defend their castle against the enemy. The three adults moved into the family room adjacent to the kitchen.

“You always make us look bad in front of her.” Alisha dropped her ample body into the sofa, which creaked a complaint. George lowered himself into the recliner and waved Alisha’s accusation away. “Never mind that. What’s this about moving? When did you plan on letting us in on the secret? Or did you hope to slip out without us knowing?”

Joshua sank into an armchair and answered after breathing two slow, measured breaths. “I just decided last night. It’s difficult for Maddie and me to be here when everything reminds us of Lara. We don’t need this much space, the mortgage is a bit more than I want to handle right now, and I thought it would be a good time to take another step towards moving on with our lives.”

“Moving on?” Alisha laid a hand on her heart. “You’re just going to sweep every memory of Lara right out of Madeline’s head, aren’t you?”

“No, Alisha, of course not. I’m not—”

“Will you get rid of all your furniture, all your pictures?”

“No—”

“Then how will moving help you to move on? That’s nonsense. What’s the real reason? You
were
going to go out of state, weren’t you? To Maine, I’ll bet—to that dumpy little town you came from. Lara told us how you wanted to move back there.”

Joshua took another deep breath. “No. I was not planning on moving to Maine. Maddie’s been through enough without me uprooting her from the only community she’s ever known. We’re staying here in Ann Arbor. She’ll still go to the same preschool. We’ll still see her friends here. We’re just downsizing.”

George’s eyes narrowed at him, and Joshua tried not to flinch. “Bills eating up your finances, eh?”

Joshua sighed. “Yes, they are.”

“You know we could help—”

“I know you could, George, and I appreciate it, I really do.”
But you couldn’t pay me enough to be in your debt.
“I think this move will really help.”

“That place you work for doesn’t pay you enough. You oughtta find something else.”

“I might just do that.”

“I would hire you in a minute, you know that.”

“And I appreciate that as well. But corporate work would take me away from Maddie even more than I already am. It’s hard enough leaving her at school until 5:30 every night; I couldn’t take a position that would require sixty hours a week, or even fifty.”

Alisha let out a huff. “Then you ought to let me babysit her. Why you send her to a bunch of strangers every day—”

“She loves her teachers, and the kids there.”

“But if you want to save money you could cut out a big chunk right there by letting me watch her.”

This was slippery ground. Joshua stepped carefully. “Those teachers and children are her friends now. I’d be afraid of ripping her away from them. She’s so social—you know how she is—she craves playing with other kids, and there aren’t any in your neighborhood. Plus it’s school, not just daycare, despite their name.” Joshua stood and moved towards the kitchen. “So, what brought you two out here today?”

“Alisha heard a rumor.”

Joshua waited. He could feel Alisha’s eyes on him while he poured water for his in-laws. “And?”

Alisha’s voice betrayed her enjoyment of having dirt on Joshua. “Well, our new neighbor, Gertie, golfs with a woman whose daughter works with you.”

“Is that so?”
Uh-oh.

“Teresa Gillespie.”

Joshua brought the drinks in, bracing himself for the inevitable. “Oh yes, Teresa works in human resources.”

“Well Gertie said this friend of hers said her daughter said they had to lay off a bunch of people, and that one of them was this sweet guy who lost his wife. And Gertie knew all about Lara because we told her, and she put two and two together.”

Joshua nodded, studying his glass.

“Well?”

Joshua grasped his glass tightly. “Well what, Alisha? Obviously you know the news, so why are you trying to bait me?”

“So you lost your job?”

“Yes.”

“Were you trying to hide that too?”

He set down his glass so he wouldn’t break it. “Yes, actually, I was. It’s not the kind of thing I’d planned on making a big announcement about.” He lowered his voice. “Especially since I haven’t said anything yet to Maddie. I don’t want to upset her; I don’t want her worrying. So keep it under your hat, alright? At least around her.”

“Even without a job you’re not willing to come work for me?” George’s face was pinched.

“I already told you, George, the hours would kill my time with Maddie, so no.”

“How are you going to provide for her if you don’t even have a job?”

“I get two months’ severance and already have my resume put together and posted.”

“Posted? Posted where?”

“Online.”

George scoffed. “You don’t find real jobs on the Internet.”

Joshua shrugged. “It’s a start, and seeing as I just found out two days ago that I was laid off, I think it’s a decent one. I’m calling a temp agency in the morning—” Alisha let out a whimper of disbelief, which Joshua chose to ignore, “and I have a list of people I’m going to contact this week. I’m not worried, and you shouldn’t be either.”

“She’s our only grandchild, and the last connection we have to our daughter. Of course we’re worried.” Alisha patted her heart. “George, we need to do something.”

“No, really, you don’t—”

“We do, Joshua.” George leaned forward, setting his elbows on his knees and fixing Joshua with his narrowed blue eyes. “Alisha and I have been talking about this. Madeline’s a bright, beautiful little girl, and we don’t want to see her life squandered. She deserves the best—the best education, the best environment in which to grow up, the best of anything she needs. And we’re not convinced you’re going to be able to give her those things. Especially now.”

Joshua’s blood ran cold. He’d always known his in-laws disliked him, but never would he have guessed they’d go to this length. He forced himself not to yell as he tried to respond. “What are you getting at?”

“In light of your current difficulties, we think we ought to take primary custody of her.”

“How dare you.” The words were out before he could swallow them back. Joshua fought to control his voice, lest Maddie hear his anger. “How
dare
you doubt my ability to take care of my daughter. There is no reason—”

“You have no job, you’re losing your home—”

“Selling
my home, not losing it—”

“You have no savings, your bills are piling up—what will you do if she needs medical care, God forbid? You obviously can’t be trusted to make the right decisions there; look what happened when Lara trusted you with her health. Or what about school? Certainly you weren’t going to enroll her in the public schools, but you can’t afford a private school now—”

“Stop!” Joshua barked the command, his fury barely contained. “She is
my
daughter. You have no right to her, and we have no need of your help. Get out of my house.”

“Joshua, don’t take this the wrong way—”

“Out.”

“We have rights as grandparents according to Michigan law.”

“Out.”

George’s eyes narrowed. “You look almost violent, Joshua. That temper doesn’t show itself to our granddaughter, does it?”

Fingers of rage closed around his throat. He couldn’t catch a deep breath. “Please get out before one of us says or does something we regret.”

The two men sat locked in a staring contest. It was Alisha who broke the standoff with uncharacteristic calm. “George, I think we know where Joshua stands on the issue. Let’s get going.”

They all stood, and Joshua moved ahead of them to the front door and flung it open. He avoided their eyes until George turned and pointed a finger at him. “We love that little girl. We’re not going to stand by and see her life fall apart around her because you can’t handle things.”

Joshua didn’t respond. He didn’t trust himself to speak. Instead he closed the door and walked on shaking legs to the nearest chair, where he collapsed and held his head in his hands.

THREE

Back at her apartment after a lunch date turned breakup, Debbie tossed her coat and purse on a chair and headed for the fridge. A quart of Ben & Jerry’s sat waiting for her in the freezer, and her craving for it had kicked in with the predictability of Pavlov’s bells when she’d seen the writing on the wall at lunch with David. She grabbed the container and a spoon, threw the lid into the sink, and dropped onto the sofa with the television remote.

She was running out of fingers on which to count all her doomed relationships. David put her up to eight, so long as she didn’t count college. She never expected to become a serial dater, but now she felt like she needed to include a warning with her phone number when she gave it out to a guy.
Please be advised: this relationship will self-destruct in approximately four months.
Truth be told, she was more disappointed in adding another failure to the list than she was about losing David specifically. Not that he wasn’t a great guy—but she was starting to think she was fated to be single forever.

The phone rang, making her jump. She jabbed her spoon into the ice cream and grabbed it. “H’lo?”

“Hi sweetheart, it’s me.”

Oh boy.
“Hey Mom.”

“Just thought I’d call and see how your weekend went.”

“Oh. It was okay.”

“That’s convincing.”

How do moms always seem to know when you’re holding back?
“David and I broke up.”

Her mother
tsked
. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m alright. I saw it coming.”

“You’ve had quite the string of bad luck when it comes to men, haven’t you?” Her mother’s tone proved she didn’t think
luck
had anything to do with it.

Debbie wasn’t falling for it. “Yeah, I really have, haven’t I? It’s a miracle I haven’t gained forty pounds with all this therapeutic ice cream. If we ever install an elevator at the shelter, I’m dead meat. Those stairs are the only thing saving me.”

Her mother’s silence spoke volumes. Debbie sighed. “I know, Mom. I know. Believe me.”

“I just want you to be happy, sweetheart. I want what God has for you, and I can’t help but think you’re missing out.”

Debbie excavated a cluster of fudge pieces in the ice cream. “It’s hard not to lose faith in the whole gender when you see what I see every day. And every time I meet a guy I can’t help wondering what, if anything, makes him any different. A lot of the women I work with are smart cookies, you know? And yet…” She chewed the bits of fudge, savoring the burst of heart-soothing chocolate. “I mean, these guys don’t come off as abusers at first blush. You can’t just look at them and
know
. White collar, blue collar, clerical collar…from all walks of life. So how do I know the guys I meet aren’t going to be like that? I just don’t know if I’m willing to take the chance.”

“Debbie.” The mother voice kicked in. Debbie braced herself for the lecture. “The work you do at the shelter is commendable. You’re making a huge difference in the lives of a lot of women. But you’re letting it get to you. I understand what drives you—”

“Mom—”

“—but it’s not going to change the past. Don’t let your life pass you by, sweetheart. That’s all I’m saying. You don’t need a new job; you just need a new perspective.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Did I say anything about it being easy?”

Debbie chuckled. “No.”

“Well then. ‘All things are possible,’ as the verse says. So. Enough of that. What flavor is it this time?”

She laughed. “How did you know?”

“Oh please, are you or are you not my daughter? Mine is Peanut Butter Cup.”

“Phish Food.”

“I should have known.”

“Thanks for listening, Mom.”

“Thank
you
for listening. I’m going to assume you did, anyway. And you’re welcome. Come to dinner Friday; your father and I miss your face at the table.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

After they’d rung off, Debbie returned the quart to the freezer and hauled her briefcase to the dining room table. She understood her mother’s concern, but she had no choice but to live, eat, and breathe her job right now. The place was falling apart.

T
HE FRESH BRUISE ON THE YOUNG WOMAN’S
face made Debbie’s stomach churn. “Shelly, get Meredith an ice pack, will you?” The counselor nodded and disappeared into the hall while Debbie began the woman’s registration. “Is there anyone you’d like to call? Let them know you’re safe and where you are?”

Meredith nodded. “Yes, please.”

Debbie pushed a phone over the table towards her. “All we ask is that you not give out this address unless you absolutely have to and you trust them not to tell it to your abuser. We don’t want your husband to find out where you are.” Meredith nodded, eyes wide, and began to dial. Debbie left to give her some privacy and to gather a toiletry kit, a box lunch, and bottle of water for their new guest.

When she got back to the office, she peeked in to make sure Meredith was done with the phone before entering, then set the items on the table. “I got you something to eat, if you’re hungry. And here are a few personal items in case you’re not able to get yours today.”

Meredith readjusted the ice pack to her jaw and gave Debbie a lopsided grin. “Thank you so much.”

Debbie smiled. “You’re welcome. I’m so glad you made it here. I’m going to go over some of the basics of staying here at the shelter; feel free to eat while I talk; I won’t be offended.” They exchanged smiles, and Debbie was happy to see Meredith loosening up with her. “When you’re done I’ll walk you around and get you acclimated to the dorm. You can stay here tonight, of course, but if you want to continue with us after tomorrow you’ll need to meet with a caseworker.”

She pulled a folder out of the filing cabinet beside her and gave Meredith a quick overview of the facility rules, chore assignments, activities, and staff. Debbie slid the folder to her, then sat back in her chair. “If you decide to stay, then you’ll meet with a caseworker tomorrow who will help you determine your goals while you’re here. If you need a job, she’ll get you enrolled in the job training program. We also have a number of 12-step groups if you decide you want to join one.

“I know it can be pretty overwhelming to have so much information thrown at you, so I’m going to step out for a bit, let you finish your lunch and look over the information in the folder, and then we’ll do the orientation. Does that sound alright?”

Meredith nodded, then her lower lip began to tremble. Debbie slid a box of tissues to her and laid a hand on her arm. “You did the right thing, coming here. I know it might not feel that way, but just trust me for now.”

Meredith nodded slightly, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Enjoy your lunch.” Debbie gave Meredith’s arm a squeeze and left her to eat. Her own stomach was beginning to rumble, so she went back to her office and pulled out the protein bar she’d stuffed in her purse on the way out the door that morning. Her desk was a nightmare of folders, mail, and random items that needed sorting, and she’d resolved not to leave today until it was all taken care of.

She ripped open the protein bar and sat down to survey the mess. Chomping on the chewy chocolate concoction, she began to rearrange and sort into piles. She kept an eye on the clock, not wanting Meredith to feel abandoned, and after fifteen minutes decided it was time to head back.

She was on her way when Andi, her programs coordinator, saw her from down the hall and jogged to her side. “Hey, got a minute?”

“Sure, hold on.” She stuck her head in the green room. “Meredith, I’ll be right with you, okay?”

Meredith smiled cautiously. “Okay, thanks.”

Andi pulled Debbie into the kitchen. “I’m on my way out for the day, but I wanted to talk to you before I left.”

Debbie’s insides jiggled. This didn’t sound good. “Okay. What’s going on?”

“Well,” Andi twisted the wedding ring on her finger. “Devon is getting relocated.”

“Oh, wow. Where to?”

“Chicago.” Debbie winced, and Andi sighed. “I know, I know—I feel awful, Deb.”

Debbie waved her hand. “It’s life; it happens. God will take care of us. When do you go?”

“End of the month.”

“Wow, that’s fast.”

“Well, we could push it off a couple more weeks, but going now means—oh, never mind what it means. Point is—I’m sorry.”

Debbie gave Andi a quick hug. “A new adventure for you, though, right? List me as a reference on your resume, okay?”

“Thanks, Debbie. You’re amazing.”

They parted ways, and Debbie stood outside the green room, trying not to panic that she was losing her second staff member in less than a month.
You’re seeing this, right God? You know we need these positions filled to stay in operation?

She took a deep breath to clear her head, then rejoined Meredith. It was time to set her anxieties aside; she had a life to help rebuild.