The Weight of Shadows (20 page)

“Okay.”

“God, please watch over us tonight, give Maddie happy dreams, and give us both a good day tomorrow. We love you and thank you for all the blessings you’ve given us. Maddie, is there anything you’d like to add?”

“No.”

“Okay. That’s it, God. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

“Sing too.”

“Oh Maddie—”

“Please?”

He sighed. “Alright.
Amazing Grace
or
Be Thou My Vision
?”

“Amazing Grace
.”

He doused the light and sat on the edge of the bed, then began to sing the song he’d sung so often he could do it while his mind wandered. Tonight it was Debbie’s face that filled his mind, their lunch and her advice, which led him to pray that Rick would behave tonight and spare Maddie the sound of Kim’s pain.
Save her and that baby, God, and if you want, you can use me to do it. But if not me, then someone, God, please. Don’t let him
…

He couldn’t bring himself to finish the thought.

K
IM SHIFTED ON THE DESK CHAIR
and rearranged the blanket around her. Her body didn’t fold well into the chair anymore, but the living room didn’t give her the distance from Rick that she needed. She just wanted to get away for a little while.

She’d had insomnia the first night back from the hospital, and tonight she just wasn’t tired enough to go to bed. It was as though her mind started moving faster once the sun went down, and by bedtime she was so full of thoughts that needed mulling and lists that needed making that she couldn’t shut down and sleep. She knew if she went into the living room she’d get sucked into something on TV and not get everything out of her head that was keeping her up, and Rick would hear the TV through the wall and get mad anyway.

This weekend they were going to buy paint for the nursery. She couldn’t wait to paint the room, a job that had fallen to her since Rick didn’t like the smell. Not that she minded. It gave her something else to do with her day, though she couldn’t start until her week of rest was over. She reached into the desk drawer and pulled out paper to make a list of paint supplies she would need.

With those thoughts out, her mind had more room to dwell on the baby. While in the hospital she’d seen a full-color picture in a brochure of what the baby looked like at this stage in its development. Its face had stunned her with its humanness. She’d never considered a baby to be real before it was born, and even the ultrasound pictures hadn’t quite convinced her. But that image had completely changed her view of the being inside her, made her more real, more fathomable.

Kim stood and walked to the crib. Staring down at the flowered sheets on the mattress, she imagined herself singing to her daughter, rocking her in her arms, then lying her down to sleep. She didn’t like the thought of leaving her baby alone in a room so far away from her at night, but she didn’t think she’d be able to convince Rick to let her move the crib to their room. Maybe she’d make up for it during the day by holding her while she napped. It’s not like she had anything else to do with her time.

Her thoughts drifted to what her baby would be like. Would she be a good sleeper? A good eater? Would her hair be blonde like Rick’s or brown like hers? Whose personality would she have? Rick’s creativity? Kim’s sensitive heart? Would she make the same mistaskes Kim had made?

No. She will be good—kind and caring to the core. She won’t have the reasons Rick and I have for our mistakes. She won’t face those kinds of trials.
Her eyes teared, and she mopped them with the corner of the blanket. Her mistakes had weighed heavily on her lately. She couldn’t bear to think of passing them on to the baby.

A sound on the other side of the wall made her smile. Joshua was singing—to himself? His cute little girl? She pressed her ear to the wall, sliding along it until his voice was as loud as it seemed it would get. The tune sounded vaguely familiar; it conjured memories of the religious family she had lived with when she was little. She wished she could hear them more clearly…
grace, how sweet…saved a wretch…me…once was lost…blind but now I…

She shook her head in frustration as his voice grew quieter. She vaguely recognized the song and wished she could remember all the lyrics; what little she’d heard made her curious. She knew what it meant to be a wretch—killing someone definitely put you in that category. But whatever grace was, she was pretty sure it couldn’t do anything for the sins of her past.

SIXTEEN

TWO MONTHS LATER

The morning sun on January 18th was blinding as it reflected off the thick layer of snow and ice that coated the landscape outside Kim’s window. She pushed herself up on the bed, wincing at the sharp pain that shot through her legs and groin, and flopped over to her side, then pressed a pillow over her head to hide from the light. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept through the night and woken feeling refreshed. Everything hurt. She was ready to be done.

Twenty minutes passed before she could stomach the thought of standing and showering. She limped to the bathroom, her robe pulled as far around her beachball stomach as it would go, and stared at herself in the mirror. Her face had grown along with her belly over the last few months. So had her hands and feet, which now didn’t fit any of her shoes. Rick had finally taken her out to get a new pair of gym shoes two weeks ago—not that she used them often, since she rarely left the house anymore. Just before Christmas she’d removed her engagement ring, with the help of butter, and set it back in its box until her fingers slimmed down again. She couldn’t wait to have her body back.

The shower spray did little to ease the pains that pulsed through her muscles and joints. Last night’s altercation hadn’t helped things, either. The fresh bruises on her legs and arms were like blueberry stains on her pale skin. She inspected each one in the mirror after her shower, cataloging her penitence and boxing the memories away, stuffing them deep into the recesses of her mind. She had other things to think about, like how to pass another day.

She waddled to the kitchen and set the kettle on the stove to make hot chocolate, then pulled out a bowl for cereal. She was so tired of eating. Her appetite had been insatiable the last couple months, despite eating seconds and thirds at almost every meal. She spent half her day eating, and most of the other half planning or cooking her next meal, or cleaning up from the last one. After two heaping helpings of cereal she dumped the bowl in the dishwasher and sipped the hot chocolate that had finally cooled enough to drink. On the sofa sat a basket of baby clothes, a jumble of Easter egg colors waiting to be folded. That would be her next chore, and by the time she got them all tucked away in the nursery she’d be ready for her midmorning snack.

While she sorted onesies and knit pants and tiny socks, she thought back to yesterday and her most recent appointment at the clinic. The doctor had pressed her for an exam, but she had refused, just as she had done for the last three months. The first time, Rick had beaten her the night before her appointment and she’d been afraid of what the doctor would say if she saw her bruises. When she hadn’t consented to the exam, the doctor had made a half-hearted attempt to convince her to have one, but her reasons weren’t compelling enough for Kim to risk revealing the marks on her body. She had kept her clothes on at each appointment ever since, figuring it didn’t matter how dilated or effaced she was—knowing wouldn’t make the baby come any faster.

Despite the doctor’s prognosis that all was well, Kim couldn’t shake the first-time mom paranoia that plagued her. What if all that food made her daughter an overeater? What if she didn’t make it to the hospital in time? What if she turned out to be a lousy mom? It was times like these when she ached for another woman to talk to. Rick refused to let her attend the LLL meeting Jillian had mentioned, and she knew he didn’t want her calling some stranger to hang out. He’d even convinced her to quit the Club, much to the girls’ dismay, though she’d been secretly glad that her hypocrisy would no longer be staring her—and them—in the face.

Kim stacked the clothes in the laundry basket and carried them to the nursery. The pink of the walls made her smile every time she came in, and today was no exception. She began to hum as she tried to decide where to keep the hats and socks, the blanket sleepers and bodysuits. She rearranged and reorganized three times before feeling satisfied, savoring the decision-making process and the fact that the decision was hers alone.

She was halfway out the door when her middle tightened and took her breath away. As the tightness faded she hurried to the couch and sat down to gather her thoughts. Was that what she thought it was? She checked the clock and made a note of the time, then made herself a snack and sat, pensive, in front of the blank television.

Fifteen minutes later another tightening in her abdomen brought a nervous smile to her face. She puttered aimlessly around the apartment looking for something to keep her mind off what was happening, but when the next contraction came twelve minutes later she couldn’t help but call Rick to tell him.

“So now what?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how long I should wait.”

“I’m almost done with this project. Can you give me one more hour?”

She laughed. “I don’t think it’s up to me.”

He sighed. She could hear the irritation in it but she was determined not to let it bother her. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll be home as soon as I can. Be ready to go, okay? I don’t want to sit around waiting for you.”

They hung up and she watched the minutes tick away until the next contraction ten minutes later. This one kicked her into action. She grabbed her overnight bag and set it by the door, then made a sandwich to take along. A few minutes later she made another sandwich, this one for Rick, and then changed her clothes into something more comfortable. Each contraction stopped her in her tracks. She squeezed her eyes shut and panted through them, clutching whatever was near to give her support.

An hour came and went and Rick still had not come home. Kim ate the sandwich she’d made and paced the apartment, feeling like a caged animal. She called him at work again but the receptionist said he was gone. “Where is he?” Her voice was a growl that rumbled from her throat at the tail end of a contraction that came only seven minutes after the one before it. When they got down to five minutes and he still was not there, panic set in. She didn’t know who to call, where to go. Joshua’s face popped into her mind, but she couldn’t bring herself to knock on his door. The last time they’d spoken Rick had made sure she knew never to do it again. Joshua, bless his heart, had tried to convince her to leave Rick a few weeks after her hospitalization, blurting in the middle of the parking lot that he knew Rick hit her. She’d made excuses for the noises and covered for Rick as best she could, but when she’d turned to go inside she’d seen Rick’s face at the window and knew she was in trouble. She hadn’t seen Joshua since.

Another contraction made her groan, and she gripped the doorknob for both support and fortification. She couldn’t go to Joshua, not with Rick on the way. Hopefully, anyway.
But what if he doesn’t come in time?

She waffled until another contraction hit even more quickly than the last. Pretty soon she wouldn’t be able to move herself from the apartment, much less get to the car and withstand the ten-minute drive to the hospital. She cursed Rick under her breath and lurched down the hall to Joshua’s door. She pounded and called out, “Hello? Is anyone home? Joshua?”

Joshua opened the door just as she was about to move on down the hall. “Kim! What’s wrong?”

“I’m in labor and I don’t know where Rick is!” She began to cry, then grabbed the door frame as another contraction squeezed her middle.

Joshua took her hand when the contraction ended and led her inside. “Here, sit down. Don’t worry. How close are the contractions?”

“About five minutes. But they only started two hours ago.”

“Okay. Let me think.” His brows knit in thought, he stared at the floor for a moment, then brightened. “Ah, okay. I remember from when my wife was pregnant with Maddie. The doctor told us to go to the hospital when her contractions were four minutes apart. So you’re still okay.” He smiled. “I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to freak out.”

She sniffed and smiled. “I’ll try, but they’re getting close so fast.”

“That’s alright. Look, if Rick doesn’t come soon, I’ll take you to the hospital myself, okay? Maddie can go down to Carlotta’s. It’s not a problem.” He gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “Hey, you’re going to have a baby today! Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

“A girl.”

“Aw, that’s great, congratulations. Maddie’s a joy. I bet you’ll have a great time with her.” His face changed to one of concern. “Listen, Kim. I know what happened the last time we—”

“Kim? What are you doing in there?” Rick stood in Joshua’s open door, his face dark.

Kim let out a cry of frustration and pain. “Rick! Where have you been?”

“I had to make a couple stops. It took longer than I thought it would, that’s all. Come on, let’s go.” He glared at Joshua as Kim made her way to the door, then grabbed her arm and half supported, half dragged her back to their apartment. “What were you doing in there with him?”

“Don’t yell at me!” Kim burst into tears. “I was scared and you weren’t here when you said you would be. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid I wouldn’t get to the hospital on time. At least Joshua was being helpful.”

He raised his hand to slap her but she gripped the kitchen counter and began to groan. When she finally straightened, Rick’s face was pale. “What now?”

Kim gritted her teeth. “Now we go to the hospital, you idiot.” She turned and headed for the hallway, not caring what he thought of her insult. Her mind could only focus on one thing right now, and Rick’s pride wasn’t it.

Her contractions slowed down as they drove. Kim wanted to weep with relief, but too much of her was worried about why they were slacking off. Rick braked hard in front of the ER doors and ran inside while she hauled herself out of the car only to have another contraction hit that almost drove her to her knees. A nurse followed Rick out with a wheelchair and helped get her seated, then pushed her through to the elevator to take her to the maternity ward.

The next hour was a blur to Kim. She was only aware of her body and what it was doing without any input from her. Between the contractions she kept her eyes closed and demanded silence from everyone in the room. During contractions she moaned and swayed as she gripped the elevated foot of the bed. She forgot Rick, forgot the bruises the doctors would see, and thought nothing of the noises and words that slipped unfiltered from her mouth. All her thoughts and energy were focused on one thing, and it was the only thing that mattered.

A gasp, a shout—then a thin wail of a baby fresh in the world. Kim began to laugh and cry together. “Is it still a girl?”

The nurses laughed and the doctor placed the squirming bundle on her chest. “Yes it is. Congratulations.”

Kim grasped the baby to her, oblivious to the mess. “Hey baby. Hey Anne.”

Rick stepped closer and wrinkled his nose. “Wow, that’s, um…”

A nurse tucked a blanket over the squalling child. “If you’re going to nurse, you can give it a try.”

Kim’s eyes widened against her exhaustion. “Really? Already?”

“Sure. Here.” The nurse helped Kim and Anne navigate their first feeding. Kim thought of Jillian at the mall and how effortless it had looked. “It gets easier, trust me,” said the nurse with an understanding smile.

Kim chuckled. “You read my mind.”

“It’s not hard to do when you’re working with a first-time mom.”

Kim smiled.
Mom.

T
HREE DAYS AFTER
K
IM AND
R
ICK
brought Anne home, Joshua and Maddie were sitting down to eat when the wail of a baby filled the air. Maddie frowned. “Anne cries a lot.”

“Well, babies do that.”

“Yeah, but…she cries a
lot
.”

Joshua nodded as he cut the meat on Maddie’s plate. “Some babies have a hard time settling down. We should pray for her—and for Kim and Rick. It can be very frustrating as a parent to have a baby that won’t stop crying.”

“It can be very frustrating as a
neighbor
.”

Joshua laughed. “Yes, that’s true sometimes. Why don’t you pray, okay?”

They bowed their heads and Maddie cleared her throat. “Dear God, thank you for our food and our house and for our day today. Please be with baby Anne and make her stop crying, and please help Kim and Rick to not get frustrated. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

They were halfway through dinner when a knock came at the door. Joshua’s heart sank when he saw his in-laws through the peephole.
Give me strength, God.
He opened the door. “Well hello. Come on in.”

“We were in the area and thought we’d stop by since we haven’t seen our granddaughter in so long,” said Alisha as she stepped in.

“Gramma!” Maddie slid off her chair and ran to Alisha, wrapping her arms around her grandmother’s legs.

“Hello, sweetheart. Let go, please, you’re wrinkling my slacks.” She caught sight of the table. “Oh, we caught you at dinner, I see.” She frowned. “Not much of a meal, by the looks of it.”

George nodded to Maddie’s plate. “I see you’re eating some macaroni and cheese. I thought she was allergic to dairy.”

“Well, the pediatrician said we could try it since it’s been a few years. Sometimes kids grow out of it.” He refrained from sharing that he’d used raw unpasteurized milk and cheese to make the sauce from scratch. What they didn’t know couldn’t come back to haunt him later. “She’s had a few things this week and seems to be doing pretty well.”

“Hm.” Alisha glanced around with the look of disdain that always came over her face when she entered their apartment, then frowned. “What’s that sound?”

“That’s baby Anne next door,” Maddie said. “They just had a baby last week, and she cries a lot.”

“Can you believe how clearly you can hear that? These walls are just paper, Joshua. Just paper.”

“That doesn’t sound like a baby,” George said with a frown. “What is that? Who’s yelling?”

Joshua’s heart thunked in his chest.
Oh no, God. Please make it stop.
“Um, yeah, that’s probably—”

“That’s their TV,” Maddie said. “They watch shows with a lot of yelling and leave it on loud a lot.”