The Way You Say My Name (23 page)

Dillon pulled into a spot across the street from the hotel. As soon as the car stopped, Jamie turned to him, a look of surprise visible on his face even in the dim glow of the streetlights. “Why are you stopping here? Why didn’t you pull into the parking garage?”
Time to put his cards on the table. “I’m not pulling into the garage until you and I get a few things settled.”
Dillon heard Jamie pull in a deep breath. “What things?”
“Things like, what is it you want from this relationship?”
“I’m not following you.”
Dillon could tell. Okay, time to spell it out. “Like I told you at the police station, I want to know where we stand. Are we an ‘us’--a real couple--or are we just two guys playing around. I know I’m serious, but I’m not sure about you. The more of these plans you make without me, the more I feel you pulling away.”
Jamie reached for his hand. “Dillon, I swear to God it isn’t like that. I want us to be partners.” Jamie dropped Dillon’s hand long enough to wipe his face with his palm. “I know I shouldn’t have run off like that without talking to you first. I just didn’t want you to be mad at me.”
Dillon picked Jamie’s hand back up. “People in relationships get mad at each other, Jamie. It’s just part of the deal. That’s where trust comes in. Each of us has to trust the other to forgive and move on. I’m not your master here, just like you aren’t mine. I don’t wanna tell you how to live your life, I just wanna be a part of it. Please.”
Jamie nodded. “I want that, too.” He paused. “You said you had ‘things’ you needed to know, as in more than one. What else?”
Dillon cleared his throat. He was gonna do it. He was gonna offer up his heart on a silver platter. “I need to know what you want to happen tonight, Jamie. I mean, I told you I loved you, and you didn’t say a word. God, you don’t know what that did to me, to tell you how I felt and have you just stand there.”
Jamie went totally still. “You’re wrong, Dillon. I do know how it feels.”
Christ. Dillon had said the wrong damn thing again. How many times had Jamie told Dillon he loved him, only to have Dillon brush it off, to ignore it? Maybe this was payback, an eye for an eye long delayed. “Is that why you didn’t say anything? Are you giving me a taste of my own medicine, or is it that you really don’t love me and don’t have the heart to tell me?”
Jamie shook his head with violent intensity. “No. God no.” He let go of Dillon’s hand and laid his own hand on Dillon’s chest, just over his heart. “I didn’t say anything because I was in shock, Dillon. That’s the first time you’ve ever said you loved me. I wasn’t sure if you even meant it or not.”
Dillon placed his hand over Jamie’s and looked into his eyes. “I meant it, every word. I love you, Jamie.”
Jamie’s voice was soft, but his words were sparkling with clarity. “I love you, too.”
To hear those four incredible words spill from Jamie’s soft lips again--to be able to say them back--took Dillon’s breath away. Still, he managed to say, “What is it you want from me, Jamie? Tell me and I’ll do it.”
Jamie leaned forward until his mouth was almost touching Dillon’s. “I want everything you have to give. I want your heart, your soul, your life blended into mine. I want all of that.” His voice turned husky. “And right now, more than anything, I want you to take me into that hotel and make love to me.”

Chapter 12

Well, Dillon had asked for a sign, and he’d sure as hell gotten one. But there were several ways for two guys to make love, and as he stood waiting in the spacious lobby of the Preston Inn while Jamie checked them into a room, Dillon couldn’t help but wonder which way Jamie wanted things to go. Dillon was so nervous, he didn’t even realize Jamie was standing in front of him, again, talking.
“I said, are you ready to go up?”
“You got the room already?”
Jamie held up an old fashioned brass key. “Yep. Room four-sixteen is now officially ours.”
Dillon glanced over at the blonde-haired, uniform-clad desk clerk who was doing his best to watch them without looking like he was. “Did he give you any trouble?”
Jamie shook his head. “Nope. The guy took my card, scanned it, and gave me the receipt. After I signed it, he told me to ring down if we needed anything.” Jamie hesitated, the duffle bag Megan had given him rattling slightly from the tremor in his hands. “Are you, um . . . ready to go up?”
Dillon was pretty sure his palms were gonna start dripping sweat any minute. He’d never been this nervous, not even the first time he and Jamie had made love. Of course, back then he convinced himself it was nothing more than two buddies playing around. Now it was different. This time Dillon knew exactly what it meant. Clearing his throat, he managed to say, “Yeah,” before following Jamie to the elevators at the other end of the lobby.
Dillon barely remembered the ride up or the walk to the room. He waited in a type of trance while Jamie unlocked the door and led him inside. Jamie flipped a switch by the door, causing lamps on either side of the bed to come on, bathing the room in soft, romantic light.
The room itself was nice enough. The walls were painted a warm beige color with little red roses stenciled on top. Three floor-to-ceiling windows took up the east wall. Dillon wouldn’t have cared if the room had been painted green with purple polka-dots and had no windows whatsoever, though. All his attention was focused on the massive, king-sized oak bed taking up the middle of the room. Jamie’s eyes seemed glued to it, as well. So much so that Dillon was the one who had to shut and lock the door.
When he was done, the two of them suffered an awkward moment of silence, both of them just standing there, looking at the bed. Finally, Dillon said, “Did you call your aunt to let her know where you are?”
That snapped Jamie out of it. “I forgot all about that. God, she’s gonna be so pissed.” Jamie grabbed for the phone on the bedside table. “How do you dial out on this thing?”
Dillon pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “Here. You can use mine.”
Jamie took Dillon’s phone, but hesitated before dialing the number. “I’m not sure what I’m gonna tell her.”
Dillon sat down in one of the overstuffed arm chairs located in a small sitting area not far from the bed. “Tell her the truth. As much of it as you can, anyway.”
Dillon could actually hear Jamie gulp for air. “You mean--”
“Yep. Tell her that the two of us are here in a hotel room in Chicago. Tell her we’re spending the night together.”
* * *
Sadie took it better than Jamie thought she would. “Am I to assume from this announcement that you and Dillon are about to begin a new phase of your relationship?”
Jamie sat on the edge of the bed, dying from the embarrassment of discussing this with his aunt. But she’d asked him a question, and he was gonna answer it. “Yes, ma’am. That’s the plan.”
“And is this something you’re ready for, Jamie?”
Was he? He’d been asking himself the same damn question. Before, he’d been nothing more than a quick form of release for Dillon, a toy to be played with and then put away when Dillon was done. But that was a different time, a different Dillon. As far as that went, they were both different people. Jamie might be nervous, but there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that Dillon was what he wanted--what he needed. Jamie looked over at his guy, relieved to see that Dillon looked just as nervous as he did. That one thing, seeing the ever-confident Dillon come undone, helped Jamie give his answer. “Yes, ma’am. I’m ready.”
“All right, then. Put Dillon on the phone, please.”
Oh, no. “Aunt Sadie--”
“Jamie, do as I say.” Her voice softened, laced with love and affection. “Put him on the phone, son. I have a couple of things I want to say to him, and then I’ll let the two of you get on with your night. And Jamie?”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Remember that I love you, and that I support you no matter what. Now, give the boy the phone.”
Jamie walked over to where Dillon sat and handed him the phone. Dillon straightened from his slouch and said, “Hello?”
Jamie couldn’t hear what Sadie was saying, but he found the play of emotions moving across Dillon’s face fascinating. Dillon’s cheeks went from white, to red, and back again. More than once, he said, “Yes, ma’am,” and towards the end he answered something she’d said with, “No, ma’am. Never, I swear it.” To Jamie’s amazement, by the time he disconnected, Dillon looked far more relaxed than he had when they’d first entered the room. He stood up, shed his heavy jacket and tossed it onto the floor, then helped Jamie pull his own coat off and pitched it in the same general direction. Once that was done, Dillon put his arms around Jamie’s waist and pulled him close.
Jamie’s head came to rest on Dillon’s chest, the steady thump of his heartbeat the most reassuring sound Jamie had ever heard. He lifted his head only long enough to say, “What did Aunt Sadie want to talk to you about?”
The rumbling sound of Dillon’s soft laughter tickled Jamie’s cheek. “She wanted me to know where she stood on the whole ‘me-and-you-having-sex’ thing.”
Jamie moved back within the circle of Dillon’s arms so he could see Dillon’s face. “Really? And where exactly does she stand?”
Dillon grinned. “She’s cool with it, I guess, but she said if I hurt you again, she’s gonna come after me with her grandfather’s deer rifle. I believe she said something about using my balls for target practice.”
Jamie shuddered. “If that’s what she said, then how come you seem calmer now than you did a few minutes ago?”
Dillon trailed the fingers of his right hand up and down Jamie’s spine. Jamie felt the tingle, even through his shirt. “Because when Sadie warned me what would happen if I hurt you again, I realized something.”
Jamie could feel himself dissolving under the gentle pressure of Dillon’s hands. “What’s that?”
Dillon pulled him in even closer. “I realized that I could never hurt you like that again, because this time I’m going to put you first. This relationship isn’t about me, it’s about us. I want to please you, Jamie. I want to make you happy.”
“You do.”
Dillon shook his head, still holding Jamie tight. “That’s not what I meant.” He moved back, catching Jamie’s hands in both of his and stepping away so that only their fingertips were touching. “The times before, when we were together, I was always in charge, always on top. Tonight I want it to be different.” His voice dropped to a husky rasp that Jamie felt all the way to his bones. “I want you to top me tonight, Jamie. I want you to make love to me.”
Jamie froze. He’d thought about that so many times in the past, wondered what it would feel like to be inside of Dillon, to feel his flesh melting into Dillon’s warm body. Jamie wanted that, he really did. But not tonight. Tonight he wanted Dillon to take him. No, he didn’t want it, he needed it.
“It means a lot to me that you want that, Dillon. I do, too, but not tonight.” Jamie lifted Dillon’s left hand up to his lips and kissed each finger. “Tonight I want you to top me.”
Instead of the excitement Jamie expected to see on Dillon’s face, he saw only confusion. “I can’t do that, Jamie.”
“Why not? You’ve done it before. Why not now?”
Dillon dropped Jamie’s hands and started pacing the length of the sitting area. “That’s just it. Before, I used you. Mistreated you, even. I was always on top, and I used it to my advantage.” Dillon stopped pacing and gave Jamie the most helpless look he’d ever seen. “What if I screw up again? What if I do something wrong that makes you think I haven’t changed? God, I can’t lose you, Jamie. I can’t go through that hell again.”
This time it was Jamie who offered comfort. He walked over to where Dillon stood and held out his arms. Dillon all but flew into them, fitting rather nicely despite their differences in height. After holding him for a minute, Jamie led Dillon towards the bed. They sat down at the foot, holding hands but touching nowhere else.
Jamie gave Dillon a chance to calm down again and then said, “You won’t screw up again because, like you said, you know what’s at stake now. Don’t you see, Dillon? It has to be this way. You have to prove to yourself that you can do it right this time.” Jamie gave him a crooked smile. “You have to stop being so afraid of losing me. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m hoping this will help show you that.”
Dillon was listening, but Jamie could still see his uncertainty. “So you’re saying that by me taking you, so to speak, I’m going to gain confidence in our relationship?”
“I think so.”
Dillon leaned in a little closer. “And what about you? What do you get out of this Jamie?”
Dillon was so close, Jamie could feel his breath. “I get to replace all the bad memories with new ones. Happy ones. I need this, Dillon. I need to see the difference in you--in us. I need to feel it.”
Those words had an immediate effect on Dillon, but not the one Jamie expected. Dillon stood up, grabbed his coat, and started for the door.
Startled, Jamie stood as well. “Where are you going?”
Dillon opened the door but paused at the threshold. He turned and gave Jamie a sheepish grin. “Sorry. I got a little ahead of myself. It’s just that, if you really want me to do this, I’m gonna need to get some supplies. There’s an all-night drugstore not far from here. I saw it on the way in.”
“That isn’t necessary.”
“Yes it is, Jamie. We didn’t use anything before. No lube, I mean. I could have really hurt you, and I’m not gonna take that chance again. You’re too precious to me to risk that.”
Jamie pointed to the small duffle bag he’d placed on the floor near the bed when they’d first walked in. “That’s not what I meant. Megan, um . . . gave us everything we need.”
Dillon closed the door again. Tossing his coat onto a nearby dresser, Dillon came back into the room proper. “I beg your pardon?”
“That’s what’s in the bag Megan gave me. See, she was counting on me having to make the first move, and she thought maybe she could help.”
Dillon groaned. “I’m afraid to ask, but do you have any idea what’s in that thing, exactly?”
“Not exactly, no. But I do know Megan called it a do-it-yourself gay sex kit.”
Dillon’s eyes looked like they were in danger of jumping out of his skull. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“’Fraid not.”
Dillon picked up the bag and came back to the bed. Sitting down, he began to remove the contents. Jamie sat down beside him and watched in amazement as Dillon pulled out three videotapes, two pairs of matching silk boxer shorts, a book titled The Joys of Gay Sex, a bottle of lubricant which neither of them paid much attention to at that moment, and a package of condoms. A large package of condoms. A package of forty-eight, to be exact.”
“Jesus Christ, what was she thinking?”
Jamie couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe she was just being optimistic.”
“Jamie, if Megan thinks we’re gonna use forty-eight condoms in one night she isn’t being optimistic, she’s just plain delusional.”
Jamie laughed. “Did you read the titles on those tapes?”
“Uh huh. Somehow I don’t think Ride ‘Em Cowboy, Hung, and Pounding the Ranger are classic westerns.”
“Wonder where she got gay porn?”
Dillon shook his head. “I’m afraid to ask.” He picked up one pair of the boxers. “These are nice.” He then reached for the second pair. “Look, she even got us the right sizes.”
“It was sweet of her to go to all this trouble, but I don’t think we’re gonna need most of this stuff.” Jamie put everything back in the bag except the condoms and the lubricant. He placed the lube on the nightstand and, studying the package of condoms for a second, said, “What about these? Are we gonna need them?”
Dillon seemed surprised. “No. Why would we?”
This was the part Jamie dreaded. Dillon knew about Jamie’s sexual history, because Dillon was Jamie’s sexual history. On the other hand, Jamie had never had the courage to ask if Dillon had been with anyone else in the time they were apart. He was about to find out.
“Well, just in case you’ve been with anyone that might, well, you know . . .”
Dillon took the condoms out of Jamie’s hand and tossed them in the direction of the bedside table, near the lubricant. “There hasn’t been anyone else, Jamie. There never could have been. You’re it for me.”
“Really?”
Dillon slipped both his arms behind Jamie’s back and, using the weight of his body, eased Jamie down onto the bed, coming down to rest on top of him. “I swear it. You’re the only one. If you want me to wear a condom, though, I will.”
Jamie shook his head, his body already heating at the thought of Dillon being inside him, encased in latex or otherwise. “No, I want to feel you, and just you.”
Dillon’s breathing increased at Jamie’s words. “I want that, too, but first I want to do something we’ve never done before.”
“Oh, yeah? And what would that be?”
Dillon grinned. “I want us to get undressed, slide under the covers, and just make out.”
“Make out?”
“Yep.” Dillon wiggled his hips a little, causing Jamie to squirm underneath him. “Make out. You know, kissing and stuff.”
Jamie popped him on the shoulder. “I know what making out is, you jerk. I just never thought you’d wanna do it.”
Dillon’s eyes glittered as he braced himself on his elbows and ran the fingers of his right hand through Jamie’s hair. “Before, we missed out on so much of the good stuff because of my own stupidity. I want a chance to go back and do it right this time.” Dillon pulled himself off Jamie and stood, holding out his hand to help Jamie up. “What do you say? Wanna climb under the covers with me and suck face?”
Jamie took Dillon’s hand and stood up. He toed off his shoes and socks as Dillon did the same. Instead of undressing himself, though, Jamie reached for the buttons on Dillon’s shirt. Dillon hissed in a breath as Jamie slid first one button then the next through the holes until the button-up shirt Dillon was wearing over his t-shirt was undone. Jamie freed Dillon’s arms from the fabric, allowing the shirt to fall to the floor. Slipping his hands under the hem of Dillon’s t-shirt, Jamie pulled it up and over Dillon’s head, sending it to join Dillon’s other shirt on the floor. Dillon moaned and bit his lip as Jamie smoothed his hands over Dillon’s chest. But when Jamie’s fingers dipped lower to the waistband of Dillon’s jeans, Dillon stopped him.