The Way We Were (36 page)

‘It's a little girl. Seven pounds two ounces. She's lovely and Caroline's fine.'

‘Oh, Zack.' Julia could barely speak for relief. ‘Oh, thank God.' She made joyful signs to Em. ‘And Caroline's really OK?'

‘She did wonderfully well and she's so excited. She's spoken to her mother and they're travelling down tomorrow. She's resting now but if you want to come in to see her she says that she'd love to see you, Mum. The staff sister says that'll be all right but just you for this first visit and not for too long, if that's OK.'

On the journey into Plymouth Julia could still feel Tiggy beside her but this time there was no tension. With Zack's news all the doubts and fears of the last week had miraculously vanished, and Julia was filled with an exhilarating mixture of peace and excitement.

‘Our granddaughter,' she murmured aloud to Tiggy as she turned north on to the A30. ‘Yours and mine. That's how I feel about her because Zack is yours and mine, isn't he? It was hard to begin with, because I resented losing my own baby and I'd imagine you were watching and feeling sad because I found it so difficult. But it wasn't because I didn't love him, you know that. It was just because I was always fighting the guilt and the sadness, and each time I looked at Zack those feelings resurfaced. And then, that day with Angela, I knew that it was different. My grief for my own baby and my love for Zack could be separate. And the amazing thing was that, very gradually, it was as if they merged into one person: Zack and my baby. The other odd thing was that, though I missed you so terribly and I still do, because of him you've always been around.'

The car passed over Hendra Downs, fled past Launceston, turned eastward on to the Tavistock road.

‘I felt so guilty, Tiggy. I went over it and over it, reliving it and doing that awful “if only” stuff, but in the end you just have to get over it, don't you? All the time he was growing up I just longed for you to be there, really there. When he made the first fifteen and got good grades for his A levels, and the passing-out parade at Dartmouth, that's when I really missed you. The weird thing was that I often had such a strong feeling that you were beside me. Like now. I remember you telling me once that when you were out on Glebe Cliff you had the feeling that all the earthly barriers dissolved and you felt close to Tom. At the time it seemed a bit scary; a bit fanciful. But there have been times when I've understood what you meant. I mean, this is crazy, isn't it? Talking to you as if you were here in the car with me.'

Julia laughed; she was so happy driving fast through the gathering dusk, crossing the River Tamar at Greystone Bridge, passing through Milton Abbot, heading for Tavistock.

‘Do you remember the way we were that spring and summer, Tiggy? We had no idea what was ahead, thank God, but that year we had so much fun. For a while I thought it had all ended on that awful day; everything seemed finished. And now here I am, driving to see our granddaughter; Zack's child. I suppose there are no ends or beginnings, not really. It's only that we're so wrapped up in our tiny view of life that we can't see the whole journey.'

In the west, the last gleams of watery golden light flooded the cloud-laden horizon. Through Yelverton, over the open moor and down into Roborough: it was nearly dark as she approached Derriford Hospital, parked the car and ran in through the doors of the maternity wing.

Caroline was in bed, cradling her baby; Zack sat beside her, his face bright with love and pride. He smiled up at Julia, such a special look, and it seemed to her that Tiggy was still beside her, slipping her hand under her arm; Julia instinctively pressed her elbow against her side, her heart bursting with joy.

Caroline lifted the child, holding her up towards Julia, whose arms went out to receive her. She took the little girl and held her, looking down at the tiny crumpled face.

‘We've been thinking about names,' Caroline was saying, ‘and after Liv told me about the Celtic names we wondered if we might call her Tegan. But the minute we saw her we knew, didn't we, Zack?'

Zack nodded, his arm tightening about her, and they both smiled at Julia.

‘Her name's Claerwen,' Caroline said happily. ‘Clare for short.'