The Watcher (16 page)

“No, Gabriel, fuck you. I won’t lower my voice. This is crazy and YOU are crazy. I need a break from this and from you. Please leave me alone for a while. I need to figure out my life before you mess it up even more than it already is.”

“Fine,” he said. He took my arm and pulled me into the parking lot. The cab was waiting by the front door and I sighed in relief. What a messed up night. I was ready to go home and fall into bed. I was so pissed I couldn’t see straight and I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes.

“Lily,” Gabriel said, “Please.” I turned to look at him after he let my arm go.

“Please what Gabriel? What could you possibly want after talking to me like that?”

“Please just don’t give up on me. I can’t tell you what you want to know, not yet.”

“Well then, I guess just call me when you can. For now, please don’t call or text or come over. I need my space to sort this out. You obviously have a lot on your plate and apparently can be as cold as the rest of the assholes I’ve encountered. I don’t want to be anywhere near that.”

“I’m not cold Lily, I promise. I’ll never hurt you, remember?” he asked softly. He pulled me into his arms and I let my body melt against his one more time. His voice sounded pleading and desperate. I squeezed him tightly then pulled away.

“You just did, Gabriel,” I whispered and got into the cab and rode away.

The End of Part Two

“Be careful when you're trying to fix a broken person because you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces.”

– Unknown

*****

Lily

When I got home from karaoke, I shook my head and turned on the lights. Wondering what the hell had happened, I took the pins out of my hair and kicked off my shoes. Heading to the bathroom, I checked my phone only to see there were no texts. As stubborn as he could be, I was sure he would have said something. He really was giving me my space. Or he was with Rosy. Jealousy reared its ugly head as I thought back to her words “I’ve been there” as I washed my face. After getting into my sweats and turning off the lights, I climbed into bed. I covered up with my favorite ratty quilt and took a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. I had no room in my head to deal with all of this right now.

I closed my eyes and was trying to fall asleep when my phone lit up with a message. It was from Gabriel, but it was only a link to a song. I recognized one of my favorite artists, Joshua Radin, and my all-time favorite song,
What If You
. My eyes teared up as I pushed play. Setting my phone down, I rolled over onto my side, closed my eyes, and let the music envelope me. Wishing Gabriel’s arms were around me, I could almost feel his breath on my neck and his body pressed against mine. I finally let myself cry.

*****

Gabriel

Fuck! I shouldn’t have just let her walk away. God dammit! Why did I shut down so quickly? God damn Rosie and her big mouth. We had dated for a few months then realized there was no spark at all. Even the sex was kind of boring for both of us, as it was missing that spark that you need. I shook my head as I walking back into the bar. Heading for Rosie, I tried to calm myself and took a few deep breaths. I knew Rosie well enough to know she was only doing what she thought was best.

Rosie had been there for me as I was going through a very dark time, right before I had first seen Lily. Word that my father had resurfaced had gotten to me and that sent me into a downward spiral. I drank myself into a stupor every night and walked around shouting at anyone who got in my way during the day. Rosie made sure I had food stocked in my fridge, made sure I drank something other than whiskey, and was always there to listen to my mad ravings about what had happened between me and dear old dad. I knew she didn’t want Lily to have to go through that, especially if the rumors were true.

I hoped like hell they were just rumors, because I was powerless to stop him if he wanted something. He was a vicious and ruthless creature, and set out to destroy anything he felt like. Including his own son. It had been a little over two years since then and nothing else had surfaced about him. I couldn’t go on living like that, living in fear of him. Then I had seen Lily on campus and spent my time getting to know every detail about her that I could.

As I approached Rosie behind the bar, she pointed to the back and led me away from the crowd. She probably thought I was going to yell at her for sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, which she deserved, but I wasn’t.
“Look, Gabriel,” she started.

“Don’t, Rosie, it’s fine. I get it. She’s amazing isn’t she? And I know you’re just trying to protect her.” She nodded in agreement.

“Gabriel, she deserves to know. She has a
right
to know if you plan to continue pursuing something serious with her. You need to give her that right to choose if she wants to accept you for what you are or not. Respect her enough to let her at least have that.” I took Rosie in my arms and gave her a big hug, agreeing with her.  After a few moments, I let go and bade her good night. I needed to make amends and fast before the hurt set too deep in Lily to heal. I sent her a text with my favorite song and went to her apartment to hold her while she slept. I needed to be near her, but I didn’t know what to say just yet.

Deciding to give her space, I simply held her through the night. When she woke up, I still wasn’t ready to reveal myself to her, so I just watched. Watching her had become my favorite thing to do in the last two years. I’d gotten so addicted to it, that I ended up scheduling my whole life around times when I could watch her. She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, inside and out, and watching her was like a drug.

I watched her wake up and go through her morning routine and couldn’t wait for the day when I could kiss her neck while she brewed coffee and made breakfast. Her messy hair and sleepy eyes practically begged me to drag her back to the bedroom and wake her up properly. I refrained because I could see the sadness in her eyes as she sat down to write.

I was so proud that she was writing again. I knew she was passionate about it, but I didn’t like the fact that I was the muse for this sad poem. I needed to get out of there before I stepped too far out of bounds and suddenly appeared in her apartment before her. I decided to let her have the rest of the day to herself and to make plans to take her to my favorite spot and tell her the truth. Rosie was right, it had been a few weeks now and Lily deserved the entire truth so she could decide for herself whether or not she wanted to be with me.

*****

Lily

The next morning, I awoke just before dawn with a clear head and a bruised heart. I promised myself I would take time away from him and figure all of this out. I needed to be smart and use both my heart and my head. I went about my day, cleaning, organizing, paying bills and getting ahead on some packing. I spent all morning doing manual labor, trying to work out what Rosy had meant and what was truly going on with Gabriel. We had spent almost every waking minute together, outside of our jobs, and I really didn’t understand why he didn’t trust me enough to confide in me. I was so pissed at him, it was a good thing he was giving me my space.

I couldn’t believe Gabriel was still keeping everything from me. How the fuck did he know so much about me? At first I had thought the “stalker” angle was cute and flattering. I thought he had simply noticed me in class and wanted to get to know me from afar before approaching me. Now I wasn’t so sure. He knew too much about me, and about Ryan, for that to be true. My mind had been trying to play out all kinds of scenarios that would explain why he knew so much.

Was this some cruel joke being played on me by Ryan? Had he hired Gabriel to pretend to like me as some sick joke to get me back for not being what he wanted? I had no idea and I knew that I had definitely watched too many TV shows to keep along this line of thinking. I needed a night out with Emma that included music, Jameson, and dancing. I needed to forget about the divorce, the stalker, and about the fact that I was completely falling in love with Gabriel. I also needed some retail therapy to help me sort through this. 

Before I set out to shop or dance the night away though, I really needed to sit down and write everything I was feeling. Listening to my favorite Joshua Radin song last night had inspired me to get my feelings out on the page. I was starting to feel like a writer again, like I had a purpose in this world. I made a cup of coffee, grabbed some toaster pastries to munch on, and then sat at my writing table with my journal. I know everyone uses computers these days, but there was something so soothing about using a pen and a journal that a computer just couldn’t compete with. I opened the leather cover, took a deep breath, and let the words flow.

*****

Untitled

If you could

Would you wish me away

Far from your heart

Far from your soul

If I were gone

Would you have it all

Let me run

Let me go

Wish me away for

both our sakes

Then

Tell me you’ve got it all

When I’m far away

Tell me your dreams came true

And your heart is full

Look me in the eye

And tell me a few more lies

Tell me she’s your soul

That no regrets are alive in you

If you could

Would you wish me away

Far from truth

Far from you

*****

I knew I was inspired by the song from Gabriel, but the poem was actually about the ending of my marriage. I briefly wondered if I should seek post-divorce therapy. I had been in counseling when I was younger and knew how much it helped me then. I didn't want this divorce to define me or make me slip back into old patterns. When I was younger, I would turn to less than worthy men and alcohol for comfort. Was I repeating that pattern? Gabriel seemed so messed up, more than I knew, and he definitely had multiple sides to his personality. I really needed to clear my head.

Looking around my apartment, I took note of all the furniture and all the memories it held. I needed to plan a brand new space, one that was accommodating for cats, of course. Checking my email, I saw that I was approved for a cute studio downtown that accepted both my cats. Things were starting to look up! Closing my journal, I changed into jeans and a hoodie and headed out the door to start planning my new life.

I drove to Ikea and walked around for a while, taking notes on things I wanted in my new place. I wanted it to be completely different from the apartment I shared with Ryan, so I chose things that were girly and frilly and fit for a crazy cat lady. I stopped by the café and got some meatballs and a salad and got out my journal. I wrote about everything that had happened since my finals. Everything seemed to be a blur until I was able to get it down on paper. I wrote and wrote until my wrist screamed for me to stop. My phone vibrated alerting me to a text. My heart jumped, hoping it was Gabriel. I hadn’t heard from him all day and I missed him. This couldn’t be good, could it? Missing him even though it had only been mere hours since I’d seen him last? Even though he had lied to me? Ugh, what a mess.

I swiped my screen to see who the text was from and my heart almost stopped. It was from Ryan. I had filed all the necessary papers the other day, beating him to the punch. I wondered briefly if he was mad that I’d done that without us even talking, but that passed quickly as I really didn’t care. He deserved to suffer a bit after what he did. Holding my breath, I opened the text.

“Can I see you tonight?”

What the freak? Seriously? Who did he think he was? What, did he want me to tag along on a date, see what he’d traded me in for? I laughed bitterly and shook my head at the phone. I honestly had no idea how to respond. I wanted to throw my phone, but knew that wasn’t the adult reaction I needed to go for at this moment. I needed to handle this with grace and poise and a lot of curse words under my breath.

“Why?” I responded. There that was to the point.

“I need to talk.”

“You said all you needed on the Post-It.”

“Please, Lily. It’s important.”

“Then leave another Post-It on the front door.” I chuckled to myself. My snarkiness surprised me as I had almost forgotten I’d had it in me.

“Please Lily. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

“Did someone die?”

“No.”

“Then it’s not important. Leave me alone, Ryan.”

“I miss you.”

“Good...swim in it. Until your fingers get all pruny-like.” I smiled as I quoted the movie
French Kiss
. Finally I was able to use that line!

“I think I made a mistake, Lily.”

Fuck. This got my attention. I took a deep breath and willed the tears away. He was having second thoughts? What the hell was I supposed to do about this? I took another deep breath and typed back before
I
could have second thoughts.

“Fine. When and where?”

“8 p.m. tonight and Giovanni’s.” Of course he’d choose our restaurant. That place was riddled with our memories: our first date, the first night we’d had sex, the night he’d proposed to me, our engagement party. It was rife with everything “us”. I wasn’t sure what he really wanted, but after six years with someone, maybe it was best to at least hear him out.

“Fine.”

“Thank you Lily. I’ll see you soon.” I didn’t respond after that. I simply walked to my car and started the drive home. It was nearly six and I needed to get home and dress sexy enough to knock him on his ass. I turned on Sara Bareilles’ song
Gravity
and sang along and tried to remind myself of why Ryan and I had split up. I would meet him for dinner, hear him out, and tell him to sign the divorce papers. The bastard had broken my heart and had actually given up on us long before he physically left me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he did just what the song on the radio said...held me down. He was worse than gravity, as gravity had its upside.  It held things in place, where they should be. Ryan only held things back, especially me. He had never invested in anything I was passionate about.

Matchbox Twenty’s song
Leave
came on next. This song perfectly summed up the attitude I needed to have when entering the restaurant. Ryan had said he’d missed me and thought he’d made a mistake. I’m pretty sure he was only in the “grass is greener” phase. Katie was greener pastures when he and I were together, and now the tables had turned. I wondered if she knew he was meeting me tonight. The feminist in me, the one who thought girls should stick together, wanted to text her and let her know. He’d already hurt me; he shouldn’t hurt anyone else. But the bitter, jaded, ex-wife part of me decided against it. He was her problem now, not mine.

I thought about Gabriel and wondered what he would have to say about all this. We were so new and hadn’t set any boundaries yet, so I decided against telling him as well. Meeting my ex-husband would be my dirty little secret. I was hoping to walk in there, show him what he was missing, flirt a little, throw a drink in his face, and walk out with my head held high. Just as I steeled my resolve, I got another text from Ryan. It was a link to
I’m Not Over You
by Gavin Degraw. Well shit.