The Wanderers Beginning: The Wanderers, Reborn, & Unforgiven (34 page)

  
              “Ella!” Josie shouted, snapping me out of it. “Go!” she said, handing me my coat and shoving me in the direction of where Tristan had went. I fumbled to put my arms through my sleeves as I walked outside to find Tristan.  He was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk mumbling something in a language I didn't understand.

  
              Before I had the chance to acknowledge him, he stopped, whipped his head to the side, and glared at me. I paused not understanding and waited for his reaction. He stomped over and grabbed me angrily by the arm. Then he dragged me to the car and threw me inside slamming the door. I sat there silently; too afraid of what he might do if I angered him further. The last time I saw him this irate was when he attacked Jack. That was not something I wanted to relive.

  
              He still didn't say anything when we got back, but he did seem calmer than before which I took as a good sign. He got out of the truck and walked away, not bothering to look back. I opened the door and followed him inside, thinking it wouldn't be a good idea to leave him alone. I found him in his room lying down on his bed with his hands covering his face. “Tristan?”

  
              He sat up, his anger slowly dissipating when his eyes found mine. “Ella...I'm sorry,” he said, shoulders slumped. He ran a hand through his messy hair. “When I saw that guy with his hands all over you...I freaked...and I shouldn't have.”

  
              “It's okay,” I said, sitting next to him on the bed. While I didn't approve of his actions, I didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was and in a way I understood. When I saw him with those other girls I wanted to tear their eyes out.

  
              “No, it's not okay. I know you think I'm a monster,” he said.

  
              I put my hand under his chin, lifted his head, and forced him to look at me. “No, I don't.”

  
              I could see the struggle in his eyes. He wanted to believe what I said was true, but something was telling him he was wrong. I needed to tell him he wasn't. I needed him to believe me. Prove to him how much he really meant to me. I did so the only way I knew how. I knew no words would convince him so I had to take action. I took off my coat and pushed him down on the bed. I straddled him and kissed him forcefully, showing him how much I wanted him. He kissed me back letting me know he wanted me just as much. I started to unbutton his shirt, kissing every inch of his exposed chest. I sat up and took my dress off in one swift move. When I leaned back down to kiss him, he held my shoulders to stop me. “Ella, what are you doing?”

  
              “Proving to you how I feel about you,” I said, kissing his neck.

  
              “Ella stop,” he pleaded, but I refused. I continued to trail down his body with my lips, across his collar bone and then chest. “Ella! Damn it!” he yelled, pushing me off of him.

  
              “What the hell is your problem?” I said annoyed, as he stood up from the bed. “You've been after me since the moment you met me, trying to get me into bed. I throw myself at you and you say no!?!” I reached for my dress and pulled it on back over my head.

  
              “Not like this. Not when you're –”

  
              “When I'm what?” I snapped.

  
              “You're drunk Ella. It wouldn't be right.”

  
              “Since when did you grow a conscious?” I glared at him. “I don't get you. What game are you playing here?”

  
              “I'm not the one who's playing games,” he spat.

  
              “Oh really? That's funny considering how much you claim to care about me, but then it doesn't take you long to get over that before you're screwing someone else!” There it was. I said it. There was no going back. I let him know how much it bothered me to see him with other women. Even though we weren't together it still hurt to see him with someone else.

  
              “Maybe if you weren't so hot and cold all the time. One minute you want me and then the next you want nothing to do with me. What am I supposed to do with that?” he yelled frustrated.

  
              “That's just perfect. Blame it all on me. ‘Cause you know that would be easier than actually taking responsibility for your own actions.”

  
                            “When have I not owned up to anything? I never lied to you. I’ve been honest from the very beginning. You're the one who's holding back. You just won't admit it because admitting it will mean it's true and we both know how you like to hide from the truth.”

             
“I'm not hiding anything.”

  
              “Bullshit! You can't be honest with me because you can't even be honest with yourself.”

  
              “You just think you know everything, don't you?”

  
              “The only thing I know is how much I care about you and how much I want to be with you and only you.”

  
              I grabbed him and pulled him into me. “Then let's be together,” I said, kissing his lips. He pulled back and gripped my shoulders. I slapped his arms away. “You're so pathetic,” I spat with distaste. “I make it so easy for you and you say no.” He stared at me blankly so I continued. “I get it. It's because I came on to you. You get your rocks off by being the dominant one. You have to be the initiator.”

  
              “Shut up!” he growled, making me flinch. “You have any idea at all how I feel about you! Any idea at all!?!” he ran his hands through his hair and grunted in frustration. “I'm crazy about you Ella.”

  
              I walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulders. “Then prove it,” I said, bringing his lips down to mine. I kissed him with such a force I thought I might lose my breath. He kissed me back but for only a moment.

  
              He pushed me back, breath ragged. “Damn it Ella, enough!”

  
              I threw my hands into his chest shoving him away this time. Tired of him telling me no, I turned too quickly and stumbled, falling to the floor. He tried to help me up but I slapped his hand away. “Don't touch me,” I snapped. I dug my hands into the carpet begging myself not to cry. I bit the inside of my cheek and forced myself to stand up which was a lot harder than I thought. I didn't realize how bad I was shaking until I had to stand on two legs. “You're right, I think I had enough,” I said, dusting off my dress. “I'm done with this game. I'm tired of being your pawn. Don't talk to me. Don't come looking for me. In fact just forget I even exist.”

  
              “You think it's that easy? You think you can walk out of here and forget everything?”

  
              “Watch me,” I said, storming out and slamming the door behind me.

  
              He followed me out into the hall. “Typical spoiled brat behavior,” he called down the hall. “Ella finally shows her true colors. When she doesn't get what she wants she throws a temper tantrum.”

  
              I snapped my head around so quick I thought I might spit split pea soup. “Don't you dare turn this on me. I am nothing like you!” He came down the hall towards me with determination in his step. I moved back until I was pressed up against my door.

  
              He stared me down, making me feel small. “For once be honest with yourself. Make a decision that's your own and not one someone made for you.”

  
              “I just did,” I said, opening my door and closing it behind me. I slid down until my behind hit the floor. I waited until I knew Tristan was gone. When I could hear only silence, I knew it was safe. I buried my head in my hands and began to cry. 

Chapter seventeen

I slept through the entire night and into the early afternoon. I never told Josie what happened and she left me be figuring I was just sleeping off a hangover. I told Josie I didn't want to see anyone. She obeyed no questions asked. Every time Tristan stopped by she told him I didn't feel good and wasn't up for company. He tried his hardest to break his way in, but when Josie put her foot down there was no getting past her. After several feeble attempts Tristan finally gave up.

  
              I spent all day in bed with no intention of ever getting out. Later that evening Josie started to become concerned. “Ella, is everything okay?” she asked, sitting beside me on the bed.

  
              “I'm just tired,” I mumbled into the pillow. I knew she could tell there was more to it but decided not to push the issue, at least for now.

  
              I forced myself out of bed Monday morning and into the shower. I made sure I was up early enough to avoid running into Tristan. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. After our fight Friday night, I was pretty much done with him. I couldn't stand to be around someone who hurt me this much. It wasn't fair and my heart couldn't take it. Things would be better if we just stayed away from each other. I knew it would be hard at first, but I could do it. I would have to do it.

  
              In order to avoid him I continued to wake up early each day and spent most of my time away from the dorms. I skipped art class all week not wanting to risk him being there. It was too soon and I knew he would try everything in his power to convince me to come back to him.

  
              By the end of the week our dorm room was flooded with flowers and all sorts of gifts. “Okay what gives?” Josie said, bringing in the latest delivery of blooms. “Can you please explain to me why our room is beginning to look like a green house?”

  
              I only told Josie I didn't want to see Tristan and she never asked why knowing when I was ready I would tell her. I still wasn't ready to talk about it, but with the way she was standing with her hands on her hips annoyed at having to side step a giant stuffed tiger and several other ridiculous items, I'd say she had enough of being in the dark. “Tristan and I had a fight,” I sighed.

  
              “I think that part is pretty obvious,” she said, gesturing around. “What was the fight about?” I shook my head not wanting to elaborate. “Look Ella, I get that you're not ready to talk about it, but this is getting ridiculous. I can only keep Tristan away for so long and we both know if he really wanted to get in here all he'd have to do is bust down the door. So you need to put an end to this one way or another.”

  
              “You're absolutely right,” I said, getting up off the bed. “Help me collect all this stuff.” I picked up all the animals and threw them on my bed. Josie wasn't sure what was going on but helped me anyway. Once all the oversized stuffed animals were collected I grabbed a few trash bags and started to throw them in.  Then I made a phone call for a delivery van.

  
              When the guy showed up at our dorm, I directed him to follow me upstairs to my room. When I opened the door his eyes went wide. “All this is going?” he asked and I nodded. He got on his radio that was clicked to his belt. “Hey Jim, I'm gonna need your help with this one,” he said.

  
              Josie and I helped the delivery men carry all the flowers and toys down to the van. I signed the papers and left him with a hefty tip. “Thank you,” he said. “You have no idea how much this is appreciated. I can't wait to see the look on all those tiny little faces,” he smiled brightly.

  
              “You're welcome,” I said as they packed up the van securing everything. Josie turned to me still unsure with what just happened. “I called the local children's hospital and told them I had a donation for them.”

  
              “Oh,” Josie said, nodding her head, now understanding. “That was a pretty great idea. I'm not gonna lie when I thought you might have a shredding party and tear everything to pieces.”

  
              “Don't think I didn't consider that, but I figured it would be better to put this stuff to good use so it wasn't wasted.”

  
              We stood for a moment and watched the van pull away. To my surprise, Tristan was not far off in the distance. From the look on his face I knew he had just witnessed the whole thing. I held my head a little higher and turned to walk away before he had a chance to chase me down. Josie clenched onto my arm and tagged along. I was thankful for her company, afraid to be alone at the moment. I knew I wouldn't have as much strength to walk away if Josie wasn't there.

  
              When I got back to my room I crashed down on my bed to hide any tears that managed to break free. The room still smelled like a florist, but that didn't bother me. What did was the sight of Tristan. I didn't think it would hurt that bad to see him. The look on his face, the sad expression in his eyes, the pain and longing he was feeling. I knew because I was feeling it too. I knew it would hurt for a while but I forced myself to be strong. I reminded myself that this was the best thing for me right now.

  
              I decided to throw myself into my school work. That would be my perfect distraction. I also knew I wouldn't be able to avoid him anymore. I also couldn't skip anymore art classes for fear of falling behind. I arrived early enough and set everything up in my normal seat in the back. Jack arrived shortly after and took a seat next to me. “Hi,” I said surprised.

  
              “Hey, how are you?” he asked.

  
              “Okay, how are you?” I hadn't talked to Jack since Skylar's memorial and was afraid he was still mad at me.

  
              “Listen, I'm sorry. I was a jerk. There was no reason for me to be mad at you. I guess I let my jealous side get the best of me and that's not cool.”

  
              “Jack you have nothing to apologize for. I was the one who was being a jerk. I think I tried so hard not to hurt your feelings that I ended up doing more damage.”

  
              “There’s no need for you to worry about it. How about we just forget it and move on,” he said, flashing me his crooked smile. I smiled back, ready to say something, when Tristan walked in. My breath caught at the sight of him and my body went rigid. I looked back at Jack, he just shook his head. “Don’t stress it. We're still good,” he said, bumping my shoulder.

  
              I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything. Tristan spotted me and took the empty seat next to mine. I kept my eyes forward refusing to look at him. I knew I couldn't bear it. With him this close I had a hard time staying strong. He didn't say anything or even look at me. The professor begun class and I breathed, thankful for the distraction.

  
              The second the professor allowed us to begin painting Tristan flung his hand out grabbing the bottom of my chair and pulled me closer to him. I pushed away and whipped my head around to glare at him. Any sign of his normal cockiness had vanished and was replaced by fury. “What do you want from me Ella?” he growled.

 
              “Nothing, but you're the one who doesn't seem to want to let go.” I tried to pull my chair further away but he held on tight. His eyes challenged me to say something, something that would make it okay for him to be pissed off at me. I couldn't take it anymore. I got up, grabbed my stuff, and left class without another word. The professor watched me walk out without any protest.

  
              I tore down the hall eager to get outside and get some air. I could hear footsteps behind me so I picked up my pace. “Ella!” Tristan called. I switched to a light jog and made it out of the building. I ran to the other side and around the back so he wouldn't see me. I heard a crunching sound and peered over my shoulder to investigate. It was a squirrel, eating a nut.

  
              With a sigh of relief I turned back around and smacked right into Tristan. “How did you?” I asked, thinking how in the hell he could have found me. Let alone get here as fast as he did.

  
              “We need to talk,” he said, brows furrowed.

  
              “There's nothing I want to say to you.” I tried to walk away but he gripped my arm stopping me. I threw him a warning look, but he ignored me. “Let go of me,” I snapped.

  
              “Why do you do this to me?” 

  
              I tried to pull my arm away but he just held it tighter. “Tristan you're hurting me,” I cried.

 
              “I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” he said, letting go. I know I should leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't make my feet work and walk away.  “Ella, I...I messed up.” He dragged his hands over his face and let out a groan. “It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I'm not that guy. I don't know how to do this?” he said, face pained.

  
              “I don't understand what you're talking about?” I said, more confused than ever.

  
              “Us,” he cried, reaching for me.

  
              I took a step back out of his reach. “There is no us,” I said softly. I couldn't believe how hard that was to say out loud, but once I had, I it sunk in.

  
              “I don't know what to do,” he replied. I could have sworn for a second I saw him blink back a tear, but couldn't be sure. He spun away quickly, unable to maintain his composure, and I took the opportunity to walk away. I couldn't stand there another second knowing I could possibly let myself get suckered in again.

  
              I didn't escape fast enough. He caught me and spun me around so fast I got dizzy. He gripped my shoulders and threw me up against the wall. His lips came down full force on mine. I struggled for only a second before allowing myself to feel the urgency behind his kiss. I wanted to pull away, to stop, but there was an attraction like no other that kept me right where I was. It felt like an electric charge was coursing through my entire body, heating me up from the inside out.

  
              I needed air.

  
              I struggled to pull myself away. His lips moved to my cheek, along my jaw, and down to my neck. “Tristan,” I gasped. “Stop.”

  
              He pressed his forehead to mine. “I need you Ella, more than you know.”

  
              “Tristan I can't. I just can't give you what you want. I'm sorry, but I don't trust you.”

  
              “Don't say that. I promise. I promise I'll be good,” he begged, making my heart hurt. The look on his face told me he meant every word he said, but I couldn't put myself through this. The tiny inner voice in the back of my head told me to walk away and never look back. I listened and slid myself away from Tristan.

  
              He yelled and cried out in pain. I heard the sound of brick crumbling. The sound reverberated over and over inside my head. When I reached the corner I dared a peek back at him. His fists pounded the building. Dust swirled all around him and each thud sounded like thunder. I almost could have sworn I felt the building shake, but then realized it was me who was shaking. I curled my hand into a fist scrapping my nails along the concrete. I had to force myself to move on. I needed to just put one foot in front of the other.

  
              I took the first step when he shouted, “I love you!”

  
              I froze.

  
              Those three little words hit me like a ton of bricks stopping me in my tracks.

  
              I thought I was suffocating.

  
              I never knew the pain I would feel from walking away from him.

  
              But I had to.

  
              I had to keep going. I needed to get away so I could breathe again.

  
              Tristan jogged around the corner to catch up to me. I kept my eyes on the ground so I wouldn't have to look him in the face when I told him no. I knew I wouldn't have the strength to. “Ella, you don't have to love me back. I just...I just don't want to lose you.”

  
              “You can't lose something you never had,” I said, meeting his saddened eyes.

  
              He lifted his arm to touch my cheek, and then stopped, dropping his arm back to his side. “I can't stop this feeling that's burning inside me. The way I feel when I'm around you, when I touch you,” he reached out again. “When I kiss you,” he said softly. “If I could bury it all away so I couldn't hurt you I would, but I can't.”

  
              I hated the fact he was hurting despite how much he hurt me. I couldn't continue. This relationship was nothing but toxic. “I'm sorry Tristan, but I don't love you.”  I never thought those words would be the hardest thing I would ever have to say to someone. “Please just leave me be,” I said, sliding out from underneath him.