The Voyage (13 page)

Chapter 47

Aunt Edith meant well, but she watched over Anna as if Anna were a child. She would not allow her any freedom. Anna, having lived in Cuba, alone with Alex, was not used to anyone hovering over her constantly, and she began to feel annoyed.

“I would like to go to school and work on my English, so that I can get my citizenship and maybe a job,” Anna said as they were rolling out bread dough one morning.

“You don’t need to go to school. Women don’t need an education. The only education you need is how to cook, clean and take care of babies.”

“Yes, but I want to. I would like to maybe become a teacher.”

“This is nonsense. That’s a job for an old maid. You have a husband to take care of you. What do you need to do all of this for?”

Anna shrugged. “I had a job in Havana. I had friends too. I feel a little bit lost here.”

“You have me. And you have all the young girls from the neighborhood who come to sit outside on the steps with us in the evening.”

Anna nodded. She did have Aunt Edith, and every night the family sat outside on the steps and the sidewalks with all of the other families in the neighborhood. The children ran through the streets playing kickball, while the adults talked. Because of these nightly gatherings, Anna had become friendly with several of the other young woman who lived in the building. News traveled through the neighborhoods at these informal groupings. In fact, as the sun set one night, Anna and Alex sat on the stairs with Uncle Max and Aunt Edith when they overheard a conversation between two men who lived in the adjacent building.

“Hitler has taken France and Belgium, they are now under Nazi rule, and he is bombing the hell out of England,” one of the men said.

“Are you sure?” Alex interrupted the conversation.

“Absolutely. It’s all over the newspapers.”

Alex looked at Anna to see if she had heard what the man said, and by the expression of horror on her face, he knew that she had. Neither of them spoke the words aloud, but they both knew that Manny and Elke could be in any of those countries.  Those were three of the countries that had accepted the passengers from the
St. Louis
. 

Anna and Alex also learned that America was not immune to anti-Semitism. Outside on the sidewalk they heard about the street demonstrations against Jews, and the American Nazi Party. Their Jewish neighbors tried to brush it off as nothing but insignificant rabble-rousers. But when Alex heard that America had a growing Nazi Party, he’d spoken up, and because Alex was usually so quiet and mild mannered, when he raised his voice, heatedly explaining that the Jews must pay careful attention, and they must do everything possible to ensure that the Nazis never came to power, the others listened. He told them that he had been in Dachau; then he explained how it all began, how the Nazis took over in Germany. “Open your eyes! You are in danger! Act now, while you still can! Once they are in control, you will have no rights at all! And they HATE you! They hate ALL Jews! They will do things to you and your families that you never dreamed human beings could be capable of doing to another human being!” Alex said, and he made them afraid.

It was also on one of those evening that Anna had overheard one of the girls talking about job openings in the factories in the garment district. Anna wasn’t sure how far this was from her home, or which streetcar she would need to take to get there, but the idea of having a place to go and money in her pocket, money that she had earned, excited her. She planned to find out more information.

But she hardly had the chance to look into working, because try as they might to prevent it, Anna had become pregnant. Although they had hoped to delay the beginning of their family until they were sure they could afford it, both Anna and Alex were excited. Max and Edith assured them both that they, too, would welcome a child.

But secretly, Alex was not well. He’d become deeply troubled. He could not bear being a butcher, could not force himself to participate in the killing of animals. The slitting of their throats, the draining of the blood and the carving of their bodies haunted him. He could not sleep and gagged when he tried to eat meat of any kind. At night, he had dreams where he saw the slain animals turn into his family members. His mind twisted and turned as he slept, his body bathed in sweat. In his dream, Alex saw himself dressed in a perfectly pressed black SS uniform. He woke shivering, his mouth dry, his throat parched, his heart racing. Before the Nazi’s had taken power in Germany, Alex had been a man of words, a man of learning, a gentle man who could never see himself capable of killing anything.  But he knew he had to continue to try, to try not to fail for Anna’s sake, especially now with the baby coming. He went to work every morning with Uncle Max. Alex stood beside Max, shuddering as he butchered the creatures, then secretly went behind the building and vomited. Alex saw the eyes of the young lambs and thought of his sister. Even after he left the butcher shop, he still heard the sounds of the animals. His hands began to shake, and as the weeks went by and he ate less and less. He grew thin and pale.

Anna knew something was wrong with Alex, but and he refused to tell her what bothered him. She thought he must be concerned about earning enough money to care for a child. He’d only just begun his apprenticeship; he had a lot to learn before he could expect full pay as a butcher. If only she could find a way to reassure him. As her belly grew bigger, Alex got worse. He withdrew into himself and hardly spoke to her or the others. When the family went outside of the tenement at night to gather with the neighbors, he did not join them.

In spite of Aunt Edith’s disapproval, Anna decided that she would get a job. One afternoon when Edith lay down for a nap, Anna dressed and left the apartment. She waited for the streetcar on the corner, and then asked directions to the garment district. Because of her broken English, she was ignored by most people walking by. She boarded the streetcar, hoping that she would find someone to help her. Anna took the streetcar until she saw what looked like factory buildings. She got off and walked around looking for any help-wanted signs, but did not see any. Instead, she saw lines of people in ragged clothes outside of Christian missions waiting for food. The streets were filled with people of all sorts, boys selling newspapers, men scurrying off to work, even prostitutes in tight skirts and low-cut blouses, selling their wares. Anna heard loud noises above her and she looked up to see workers laboring on dangerously tall buildings. They looked as if they might fall to the ground any minute. Anna trembled and looked away. She began to feel as if Edith might have been right. Perhaps she should have just stayed at home. New York City loomed over her like a living, breathing giant, one she knew very little about. Anna turned to the left, then the right; nothing looked familiar, and now she couldn’t remember where she had gotten off the streetcar or even what number streetcar she’d taken.  Automobiles honked their horns as the drivers hollered at each other. Anna felt her heart begin to pound. She tried to find a landmark, but all of the streets looked the same. A car right in front of her honked its horn. She jumped at the loud noise, just as a man came from around the corner. He rushed at her so quickly that she hardly knew what happened. With his left hand he punched her in the face, while with his right hand he grabbed her purse. Anna tried to run, but she tripped over the curb and fell hard against the concrete, her nose was gushing blood. She let out a scream, but the thief had disappeared into the crowd. Several people gathered around her. A tall, slender woman wearing high-heeled shoes and a stylish hat bent down to help her to sit up.

Anna sat on the curb, the blood from her face flowing like a river onto her blouse.

“Are you all right?” the woman asked.

“I don’t know,” Anna said. “My stomach hurts. I have a lot of cramping.”

The woman looked down; then she smiled a frozen smile back up at Anna, trying to hide her shock. Anna was bleeding from between her legs.

“Officer, officer…this woman needs help. She needs an ambulance…”

Anna passed out. The officer helped to load her in the back of an ambulance that screamed all the way to the nearest hospital.

Chapter 48

“You wouldn’t listen to me. Now,
oy vey
, I can’t believe this happened.” Aunt Edith pulled her hair.

Anna opened her eyes to find Alex holding her hand. 

“Anna, my Anna…“ He kissed her hand. “I’ve been so worried,” Alex said, and she saw that his eyes were red and he’d been crying. “I was so afraid I would lose you...”

“I’m all right…” she said, but she wasn’t. The doctor set her nose with bandages, blood filled the whites of her eyes and the skin surrounding them had begun to turn black and purple. Her hand gripped her belly where she felt terrible cramping. “The baby?” Anna squeezed Alex’s hand hard. “Is the baby..?”

“I’m sorry… Dear God, I’m sorry,” he said.

“I lost the baby?”

He nodded.

She sighed and her shoulders slumped.

“I told you it was dangerous to go out by yourself. Now just look at you. Your pretty face will be ruined.” Edith shook her head. “Such a stubborn girl you are…”

“Is my nose broken?” Anna asked.

“Yes,” Alex answered.

She just nodded. She’d lost the baby. It was all her fault. Edith was right; she should never have ventured out alone.

“Can Alex and I be alone please?” Anna asked.

Uncle Max took his wife’s arm “Come on Edith, let’s get a cup of coffee…”

“
Oy vey
, I should never have  taken that nap. She would never have gotten out of my sight....”

“Come...” Max’s voice was firm as he pulled Edith a little harder.

After Max and Edith left the room, Anna began to cry. “I am so sorry, Alex. It’s all my fault. I could see that you were troubled. I thought that maybe you were worried about earning enough money to have a child. I wanted to help… And now…look what I’ve done.”

“Anna, it’s all right…”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t blame you. You wanted to help me.”

“Yes, I wanted to contribute. To make things easier for you, so you wouldn’t feel that you had to carry the burden of supporting us all on your own,” Anna said.

Her face was drained of color. She’d lost a lot of blood, and she was tired, but she wanted to talk to him, to ease his mind. Lately he’d been so tense.  So even though she fought to stay awake, she felt she had to at least try to make all of this right.

“Anna, you don’t have to do these things... I am a man. I should be taking care of you. For some reason I seem to be too weak to help the people I love.”

“You are not weak, Alex. You are doing your best. I just wish I knew why you have been so tense ever since we came to America. Is it living with my uncle? Is it me? Please, Alex, I need to know. “

“Maybe then this is a good time to tell you.”

“Tell me, yes. Please tell me.” She was afraid of what he might say. Could he possibly have met someone else? Perhaps he’d fallen out of love with her.  She felt a cramp in her lower belly, but she bit her lip so that she did not make a sound. She wanted him to speak, so she waited in silence to hear what he had to say.

Alex sighed. He hated to burden her with all of this, but perhaps if she knew what it was, then she wouldn’t feel that it was something she had done.

“I can’t keep working at the butcher shop, Anna. It’s horrifying to me. I am afraid I am going to have a nervous breakdown.” He began to weep, his shoulders trembling.  “I’m sorry, Anna. I’ve failed you. The truth is that this is all my fault and now here you are in this hospital. I wasn’t there to protect you when you needed me, and worse, I can’t even keep this job. It’s a good opportunity, one most fellows would be happy to have. I owe you at least this… Why, why can’t I just do it?”

“Shhh, is that what has been bothering you? Is this why you don’t eat or sleep well? Why I find you awake in the middle of the night, sitting in the living room looking out the window?”

“Yes, I am so sorry. I tried, Anna. I’ve tried.”

She nodded. “It’s all right...shhh… It’s all right.”

“Yes. I can’t bear it. I can’t stand to see the animals die, and the blood, Anna, the blood.  I can’t eat meat any more. ”

“It’s all right,” she said. “Listen to me.” She took his hand, and with all the strength that she had she squeezed it to let him know that she understood. “We will work together. We will find a way. First, you’ll look for another job, and then you’ll have to help me to find work in a safe place.  Next, we must move out of my uncle’s house so that you don’t feel obligated to work with him.  He means well, but you are a gentle man, an artist, a poet. It is not meant for you to be a butcher.”

“Can you forgive me?”

“Of course, I can, and I do. There is nothing to forgive. I love you. I knew who you were when I married you, and I have never regretted my decision.  We will have more children. But first let’s find a way to live on our own again. We were doing just fine together when we were in Cuba.”

He nodded.

“Don’t mention anything to my aunt and uncle just yet. Let me get my strength back; then we will explain together.”

He nodded again. Then he bent to kiss her and watched as she drifted off to sleep.

When Max and Edith returned, Alex was still sitting on the edge of the bed holding Anna’s hand as she slept.

“I think we are going to go home for a while. Are you going to join us Alex?” Max said.

“No, I am going to stay here with Anna.”

“All right, Edith and I will come back to the hospital when I get home from work tomorrow,” Max said.

Alex nodded.

After they left, Alex watched Anna. How could he be so blessed to have the love of such a strong and wonderful woman? He bent to gently kiss her forehead. She stirred. He did not want to wake her. She needed to rest.