Authors: Rebecca Mascull
Tags: #Fiction, #Historical, #Ghost, #Romance, #General, #Action & Adventure, #Horror
I am on fire. I sign with ferocity, smacking my hands together at every sign.
‘Why did you enlist? Why would you put yourself away from me?’
‘Liza,’ he signs, ‘it is complicated.’
‘Explain!’
‘You are very young—’
‘Not so young,’ I interrupt and he holds up his hands, then drops them. He will not sign. He speaks to me now.
‘You are a young woman, lately a child. The daughter of my employer. I am not so foolish as to believe there is any future for us, for you with me, who has nothing to offer you.’
‘But I do not care for any of that.’
‘But your father will, your mother. Even Lottie. You know this is true.’
‘I do not, I do not! Father will do as I say, he will want to make me happy.’
‘But I cannot make you happy.’
‘Yes, yes you can!’
‘You know me. You know me deeply. You have seen into my soul. There is a restive man there, a selfish one. It was that man who enlisted. If I stay here, at the farm, at the sea, I will go mad, Liza. I will end myself, I know it. I think you have always known this.’
‘But all that has changed. How can you go now? I could never leave you, not by choice. Never. I have always loved you. From your first letter to me. From the first time I touched your face. From the first moment I saw you with my eyes. How can you leave me now?’
‘Perhaps in Africa I will make something of myself. Who knows what the future holds? I only know I cannot stay. I will write to you, Liza.’
How can he think this is enough? I am at a loss for words, and my hands grasp the air for them. Finding none, I thump him in the chest. His eyes harden and he stands up, pulls on his trousers and walks away from me. I am left, alone, my wet shift cold against my skin. I pull on my discarded robe. He stands by the hop press, his hands on his hips, staring down into the opening through the floor, where tomorrow morning he will help fill the hessian pockets with the last of the season’s dried hops. He stares and stares into that hole. And I know that his silhouette etched in moonlight will imprint on my memory, the image of him standing there, bare-chested, looking down through the floor of the oast house and making his decision, and it will haunt me.
Then he turns. He signs to me. ‘I want to go.’
I run from him and almost trip on the stairs. I see the Drier on his bed, still sleeping the sleep of the just, and I hate him for his peaceful slumber. I run from the oast house and cross the herb garden, the pretty fragrance turning my stomach now. Back in my room, I twist and cry silently in my sheets, desperate that no one in this house or this farm or on earth should know of my great disappointment. My blood does not run, my heart beats very slow and aches very quick. I believe my love has forsaken me and I shall lose him for ever. My hopes are drowned and soiled. My sorrow makes me wretched and I bite the pillow to stop my tears flooding the room. And I tell myself I hate him, I hate Caleb. For leaving me, for not moving heaven and earth to stay with me. And I wish it could be midnight again, before I left my room, before the scent of herbs and the cool grass and the dry heat and first sight of him there on his bed smoking, before he looked up at me with his pale face. Before I lost myself to him. So that I could relive it, every moment again, every touch and every word his hot hands finger spelled into mine as we moved together, words of desire I will never repeat to a soul, our secret words he left in my hands for me, that convinced me of his love. And I fear I will never lie with him again, that he will leave me and die in Africa; or, if he lives, he will abandon me for another life, for I was just a sweet girl for him who made him young again this one night and who will be crushed like a dry hop in his hand and scattered to the warm wind, forgotten.
On 11 October 1899 the Boer republics declare war on our nation. Caleb has been gone for seventeen days. On the eighteenth day my monthly curse comes, and as the blood flows from me into the bath water and colours it crimson, I weep and weep. The thought of his child within me has kept me company in the shorter days and the longer nights and now all trace of him is gone, as if he had never lain with me, as if it had never happened.
We read of the war every day. Lottie and I have made a map of South Africa and put it up on the dining room wall. We follow every battle, skirmish and troop movement with pins, white for us and black for them. We order all the newspapers, which give us disputatious ideas about the war. We thought it was all about the British settlers, who the Boers call Uitlanders, which means outsiders or foreigners. One paper says that the treatment and rights of the Uitlanders by the Boer government is why we are fighting. Other newspapers say this is nonsense, that most Uitlanders, particularly the working men, do not care about the vote. That it is only the stock market Uitlanders who are making all the noise, that they have invented their grievances to create insecurity in the money markets and lower prices. Some say that the aim of the war should be to create a united South Africa, that only British rule would be progressive and Dutch rule is retrograde. One editorial said that the Dutch have no desire or ambition to make the whole of South Africa Dutch, as is commonly believed. And that it is all about money for rich men who want control over the gold.
So, we are confused, Lottie and me. Why is Caleb going to fight? Why are our brave boys risking life and limb, and even dying, in that hot country so many miles from home? Father is very clear: it is the British Empire that must rule South Africa for its own good and the Dutch may go whistle. The Boers are a scrappy nation of ragtags and farmers who will bend under British might and it will all be over soon. He takes us to the Cinematograph at Canterbury to watch a little fiction entitled
A Sneaky Boer
, where a brave British soldier is attacked by the craven Boer wriggling through the long grass. I can see everyone cheer when the beastly Boer is caught and a few handkerchiefs are pulled from pockets and shaken in the air. Then Lottie beside me jumps in her seat and puts her hand to her heart, and I see a puff of smoke issue from the front. It turns out the owners have planted actors in the audience to let off guns to heighten the drama. There is so much smoke by the end that we cannot see the screen. We leave in a flutter of excitement at our entertainment, yet also determined that Caleb and our lads will beat back these cowardly Boers and be home for Christmas.
But Christmas comes and goes and the war does not end. By March 1900, Caleb has completed his training and sails to Africa. We write to him but hear nothing back. For weeks, I am the first to check the post and am disappointed day after day. I have to conceal my distress from everyone. Nobody knows the truth. In the past, it would always be Lottie; she knew all the workings of my heart. But I cannot share this with her. I have not told her anything about Caleb and me, of how I feel for him, of what we did. I believe she would be angry with Caleb, blame him for taking advantage of a girl’s callow desire. I fear she would be jealous and a mistrust would grow. That the end of it would be the end of us. It would alter her love for me, snap it and ruin it. I cannot risk losing her, so I decide I cannot tell her. It pains me to keep a secret from her, my soul’s companion.
At last, in late September three letters from Caleb come at once. It seems the postal service out there is quite unreliable. But the letters are not for me alone, rather to the two of us, to Lottie and me. Of course, this is how it would be. I could not hide letters from Africa in this house from Lottie or anyone. Caleb knows that. So we go to Lottie’s bedroom and she opens them, the elder of us, the sister. I read over her shoulder, searching for clues to his love for me, a message for our future.
Senekal,
Orange Free State
31 May 1900
My dear Lottie and Liza,
Thank you for your letter and photograph. You both look very pretty. I am sorry not to have written at length to you as yet. We have been on the go for months now, what with training and the voyage and setting up things over here. I hope to remedy this now with a description of our first major action, at Biddulphsberg. We have been on the edge of a few skirmishes – and our lads got very frustrated by the lack of action – but this is the first large-scale battle I have fought in. And as you can see from my handwriting, I made it through all right.
I am in the 33rd (East Kent) Company, attached to the 11th Battalion Imperial Yeomanry. This may not mean much to you ladies, but it does work out that I have several Men of Kent about me. We are currently fighting alongside such broad notions of what makes a man British, including the Grenadier Guards, Scots Guards and East Yorks. On Monday, 28 May our British columns under the command of General Rundle numbered around 4,000 and we left Senekal at 1 p.m., moving in an easterly direction for about eight miles. Even on this short march, some men had very bad boots and had to fall out for a while, footsore. We were heading between Sandspruit and Quarriekop to a big kopje on the veldt. (You probably know by now from newspaper reports that this means a hill on the African plain. Kopje is a charming word that means ‘little head’. A nice language all round, Dutch.)
We halted for the night about four miles from our destination. Our objective was to give some heat to the Boers around there. I was immediately assigned outpost duty which lasted all night. I spent hours looking out across the misty land, the odd hill breaking the aspect. You could call it dull country, with the same squat farms and hillocks the only interest in hundreds of miles, each one merely serving to make it all seem more lonely. But the skies are enormous and impressive, and the colours on the veldt change every hour of the day with the rising and falling of the light, and it has its own rough loveliness. Some of the moths are splendid, with one landing on my boot six inches across the wings. We see foreign creatures like snakes, scorpions, centipedes and lizards scuttling about, yet also more English familiars such as hares, rabbits and pheasants, to take the edge off the strangeness. ‘Arouse’ next morning at 4 a.m., then all the tents were struck and packed and we sat on the ground eating breakfast in darkness, but the dawn comes so quickly here it was broad daylight once we’d finished.
We moved on at 6 a.m. on Tuesday, 29 May, advancing towards the kopje. Within 3,000 yards the two Boer big guns opened on artillery to our left. Once you’ve seen the smoke of the big gun there is a worrisome interval of about ten seconds before something happens. Then you hear the boom of the report, then the whine of the shell which turns quickly into a horrible scream. But hearing the thing coming makes no earthly difference to you, as you have no idea where it will land until the red earth explodes beside you. We went down the slope towards the guns. We couldn’t see anyone, but straight away were fired upon very fierce, from all sides it seemed. Bullets buzzed like wasps about our heads. As the Boers have no parapets it is almost impossible to see where they are firing from, as well as the fact that they were using Mausers which emit no telltale puff of white smoke. (We heard later that the Boers’ position higher on the hill was well planned. They had some in a dry dam, others in a donga – that’s a word for a dried-out lake bed – and more behind long grass.) So they caught us in a duck shoot and we suffered under the crossfire. The order came to ‘lie down’. We heard the bugler pipe up, ‘Pepper ’em, pepper ’em, pepper ’em, boys’ (in a mad moment I thought of your father, Liza, and his bugle calling us hoppers to work!) and recognised the order to keep firing at the big guns.
We rushed on another sixty yards or so, the enemy raining rifle fire on us. I lay on my stomach, firing at the kopje. I emptied my pouches. The fellow next to me – Wallis – got a smack in the leg and called out, ‘They have made a rat hole in me!’ After that he turned on his back and lay still. I helped him put his coat and equipment at his head for shelter and I did the same. Our coats and mess-tins got shot to pieces by bullets. They saved our lives. We lay there for five hours, pinned to the ground under tremendous fire. Some of the men wore shorts and had awful sunburn on the backs of their knees and were in agony the next day, all blistered up and unable to walk. Wallis called over and over for water. I had given him all mine and had no more. Then he started moaning about the blasted Boers taking all our gold and using it to buy the latest European weapons and how the British are far too lenient on the Free-staters who surrender and take the oath of allegiance then go out and fight for their brothers the very next day and they should all be shot. In the end I told him to put a sock in it. By this point, my nerves were quite jagged.
At 3 p.m. we heard the order to retire. We saw some soldiers fall back and I was about to help Wallis up when we heard a dreadful sound. At first I thought we were being shot at again, as the crackle of rifle fire can sound like dried trees burning. But then a roaring came from behind us and we saw the grass that had been our cover was all alight. We were surrounded by fire! Some of the wounded were dragging themselves through it, appalling burns on their faces. I helped Wallis stand and he leaned on me as we stumbled through. Boers came out of their trenches and helped some of the British wounded through the fire. One Boer lad got Wallis some water and wrapped him up in two coats taken from the dead. They are very fair when it comes to the wounded.
The Boers helped set up a hospital back in Senekal at the Dutch church and Wallis was taken back there with the other wounded. He’ll be all right. Do not believe everything you read in the newspapers about Boers. There are brave and honourable Boers and cowardly and dishonourable ones too, like people everywhere, like the Tommies. I must say, though, that despite the foul language and tendency to steal and loot, the character of your average Tommy is good-natured in the face of lack and discomfort, as well as possessing a dogged courage in long advances that test the mettle of the bravest man. The hot dash into battle is exciting to be sure, but the valour it takes to plod on through whizzing bullets seeing men around you fall is a testament to the Tommy’s stubborn will to endure and carry on. We can also be very fair with Brother Boer. After the battle, our medics helped them too, particularly their General de Villiers who was shot in the jaw. There was a ceasefire agreed the next day. It is a kind of gentleman’s war, as they say, despite pounding each other with explosives.
I stayed behind with some others to bury the dead. We carried them all to a field with a thorn tree nearby. I saw an officer called Campbell write a note and pin it to the tree. I looked at it before we left and it read something like: ‘This tree must never be cut down as it is the resting place of those who fell on 29 May 1900.’ It strikes me as a sad thing to be buried in this dry soil, so far from England. A bit like being lost at sea, never to return to your old home ground. There are times in the rage of battle when I am glad to be alive and in this fight, and there are quieter times when I think of how the half-ware are doing and I feel a b----y fool for ever leaving Whitstable.
Please keep the newspapers with reports of our battle at Biddulphsberg for me. If you’ve already thrown them out, I hear you can get back copies at bookstalls; please do. I will be interested to see what nonsense they make of it. We have seen a few English papers out here and are amazed at the ridiculous lies in them about all manner of things and think most of it is invented in London.
I lost all my equipment to the Boers. I had collected some curious mementos that I was sure would have pleased you. Looting is forbidden, but so far I had found a Boer Bible with a bullet hole right through it, a Free State flag and a shrapnel shell picked up inside one of their gun-pits, but all are lost now. I also had your letter and photograph in my haversack, lost too. I am very sorry for this, as I am in the habit of taking it out and remembering my girls, in this hot, strange and barren place so far from the cool sea breezes of East Kent.
Anything you could send me from home would be very welcome. Our rations are pretty dire. They were cut down recently – on account of the single-track railroad and poor rolling stock – to ½lb bully beef and two biscuits per day. You can smash up the biscuits and boil them in water to make a nourishing gruel that does the job, but they are so hard you risk breaking your teeth to eat them plain. The Kaffirs bring us milk some mornings, 3d a pint and better even than Kent cows’ milk. Sometimes we can buy stuff from farmers who come in on their wagons or even the Kaffir police, like sugar or tobacco. But it is dear, jam 1/6 a pound and butter 3s. Most of us can’t afford to buy anything but mealy bread. If we get any fresh meat – which is rare, with hams costing 10s – we then must find firewood and cook it, which takes a while on hungry legs. The other night three of our lot were cooking away merrily on a little fire when a Boer shell landed smack in the middle of the cooking pot, sending the meal every which way yet luckily the cooks were unharmed. We heard of a tent attacked by a lion some miles away. Even the ostriches are a bit fierce. Such are the dangers of eating here!
Our kits are pretty patched and ragged by now too, with one Scotchman I saw last week wearing a sack as a kilt. I hear we may be issued new shirts and puttees soon, but think it is a bit thick that we have to pay out of our own wages to mend our boots. I do not wear a beard if I can help it – some fellows keep their whiskers on and look the villain – but my razor is so blunt, shaving can be hard going. It would be helpful if you could send some decent grub and other useful bits and pieces, like a new razor and soap and some thick warm socks as winter will be on its way soon (seasons are all topsy-turvy here).
For now, we are camped out in tents and bivouacs beside the Valsch River not far from Lindley. We have amused ourselves by competing for the best handmade wigwams. I helped build a superior one for the mess, using a mimosa tree as foundation and weeping willow branches for roof and walls. It is a pretty river, yet yesterday was scarred with the sight of hundreds of dead horses floating in a grim procession, evidently killed by artillery bombardment upstream. Just beyond our camp is a small island in the river, where the dead horses catch and gather, the smell in the midday heat revolting. Luckily we can send Kaffirs out five miles west for drinking water, yet we must use river water for cooking, washing and fishing. With any luck, we will be on the move again soon. We are not sure where we are going next, but it is likely we head a little way south, as there is a huge force massing under General Prinsloo around there and we shall make short work of them. We are doing a good job all round, I’d say. We believe in a united South Africa and the only way that will happen is with the British Empire in charge, you can be sure. The Boers may be good fellows but they are hopeless at running a country. We British do need to teach them a thing or two, but I fear we will all learn a lesson before this show is over.
I will write again, when I can snatch the time. As well as all our duties, I write letters home for Wallis and two others too.
Your affectionate brother and friend,
Caleb
Lindley,
Orange Free State
14 July 1900
My dearest pets,
Still no sign of letters from you or home. I know you will have sent all sorts by now, but we get no taste of it. I hope to hear news from you all soon, and at least some socks, as my feet are getting bluer by the day. Who knows when you’ll read this request, but some warmer clothes would be most welcome, some of my old fishing sweaters for night time or a woollen cap, as your head gets terrible cold when you have to sleep out on the veldt.
Since I last wrote, I have travelled about the Orange Free State and into the Transvaal with my company engaging in various bouts of fighting: driving in Boer outposts and capturing scattered fighters. I am not yet wounded or dead, so I feel quite lucky. The war proceeds and we are swept along with it. The course of the war is changing. There have been some major battles since it all began. Sometimes our forces do very well, other times we are sent packing. The Boers are highly organised and totally committed to their cause. They have formed commandos which are groups of men who live on the run, engaging in sabotage and skirmishes. Their women and children stay on the farms and supply the men, so that the commandos come and go as they please, blowing up or blocking railway lines, delaying or destroying important supply links to our men (including delivery of your packages). If we carry on angling for big fights, this war of little skirmishes will just go on for ever. So something has had to change. Our latest orders are to cut off supplies to the Boer commandos at the root.
This means burning down their farms. We travel across the veldt. Sometimes it is a farm where a white flag is flown, but then someone fires a shot as we approach. Sometimes the farm is on a list of those that qualify for destruction because their men are away fighting in commando, or because they have supplied local fighting Boers, or simply because they are within a few miles of a railway line or a sniping incident. The people living there are almost always women and girls, and very small boys, as at a certain age the boys join the men. These families have little say in what the commandos do locally, so have no power over whether they are burned or not. But some do supply the men with food and other goods and are therefore branded rebels. We make an example of these by punishing them, to deter others from aiding the commandos. The hope is that eventually this could lead to starving out the fighting men, forcing them to surrender. But recently orders have come to burn farms that are not on any list, because someone up high says you can’t trust any Brother or Sister Boer, they are as bad as each other. It might have begun fairly a few weeks back, when the order first went out to start the burning, but now it proceeds almost at random.