The Very Nearly Honorable League of Pirates #1 (23 page)

Dear Captain Blacktooth:

It has come to my attention that the Augusta Royal Navy is sailing to Gunpowder Island. Under the direction of Admiral James Westfield, the navy has already attacked my pirate ship, injured my crew, plundered valuable items, and (our resident governess informs me) behaved very rudely in general. I believe that Admiral Westfield poses a direct and immediate threat to all pirates on the High Seas, and I hope that the staff at VNHLP Headquarters on Gunpowder Island will act accordingly. Please send your best pirates, fastest ships, and most ominous cannons to attack the Augusta Belle at once, before she gets anywhere near Gunpowder Bay. There is no time to waste.

I would also appreciate it if you would refrain from attacking my ship, the Pigeon, when it arrives in Gunpowder Bay. As you read this message, you may be remembering the recent VNHLP banquet at which I described you as “more useless than a bucket of sea cucumbers,” but I am sincerely sorry that you overheard me, and I will make every attempt not to be overheard in the future.

I am sending this message via my budgerigar, Fitzwilliam. Please enclose your response in his beak and send him back to me; he will know where to find me.

Grudgingly,

Jasper Fletcher

 

THE VERY NEARLY HONORABLE LEAGUE OF PIRATES
Servin' the High Seas for 152 Years
GUNPOWDER ISLAND HEADQUARTERS

Mr. Fletcher:

We are disturbed to hear of Admiral Westfield's attack on your ship and crew. Unfortunately, however, we cannot attack the Augusta Belle as you have requested. You may be aware that the VNHLP's relationship with the Royal Navy is unsteady at best. You may also be aware that Admiral Westfield himself is in possession of quite a lot of cannons. We are pirates, and we do not normally avoid a hearty battle, but considering the admiral's extreme distaste for piracy, we would prefer not to provoke him unless it is absolutely necessary. And frankly, Mr. Fletcher, defending your honor is not our greatest concern at this time
.

Please be assured that if the Augusta Belle does engage us in battle as we are minding our own business, we will do our best to send the ship to the bottom of the bay. It would be convenient for us to have a new shipwreck in this location to serve as a spine-chilling warning to passersby. Our existing shipwrecks have become homes for interesting varieties of fish and are more of a delightful tourist attraction than a spine-chilling warning
.

We are concerned by your report that you are employing a governess. Mr. Fletcher, pirates do not have governesses. This fact should be obvious to even the most hopeless amateur. Furthermore, a little bird tells us that one of the members of your crew is a young girl. We sincerely hope that the little bird is mistaken, since as you are no doubt aware, young girls are not permitted to be pirates. Any pirate who violates this rule may find himself on the uncomfortably sharp side of the VNHLP's sword of justice. If you are indeed employing a governess and a young girl, please dispose of them immediately. Tossing them over the side of your ship should suffice
.

And no, we have not forgotten about the sea cucumbers
.

Arr!

Captain Rupert Blacktooth

President, VNHLP

 

J
ASPER
F
LETCHER
, F
REELANCE
P
IRATE
T
ERROR OF THE
S
OUTHLANDS
VNHLP CERTIFIED IN BATTLE,
TREASURE HUNTING, & PARROT MAINTENANCE