The Valkyrie (6 page)

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Authors: Charlotte Vassell

Tags: #myth, #satire, #contemporary, #womens

BOOK: The Valkyrie
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“I think the
world just started to end. You can feel it in the air right?
Yesterday was the start of another era.”

“I can, but I
don’t think anyone else can feel it. Nothing unusual came out of
Olympus today. We need to tread carefully until we can predict the
outcome safely.” Prometheus looked around at the church’s interior
for a moment “Oh, Apollo asked whether he could marry you again. I
said it wasn’t my business to be so involved in your affairs.
Please don’t do it, although I’m not sure how you’re going to get
out of it in one piece. He has wonderful taste in jewellery, if
that is any consolation. That’s a very topical vase.”

“Yes, I found
it in Save The Children.”

“Really? How
odd. I’ve heard you can get bargains at those sorts of places but
an Andokides original never out of the box. Be careful child.”

“I cannot
conceive whether it is a friendly warning or not.” Liberty said to
which Prometheus furrowed his brow and pursed his lips but gave no
judgement.

“It would seem
that there is something afoot in Olympus.”

“Why do we
always meet in churches?”

“Because the
irony is too delicious.”

“I like
Hawksmoor. Does it annoy you that this God with a capital G gets
the credit for creating mankind?”

“It would annoy
me if he was real but he isn’t.” Prometheus mused over this idea
for a few moments “God isn’t even the fascinating element of
Christianity or even Christ who quite frankly sounds like a two-bit
demigod, Satan or rather Lucifer is. Have you ever read the Bible?
He’s not even really in there and yet in the last five hundred
years a belief in him has grown exponentially, whilst no single
deity actually considers him to exist. Lucifer just means ‘light
bringer’ in Latin, and there are plenty of candidates for that
role.” “The devil’s greatest trick is convincing the world that he
does not exist.” Liberty was sure she had heard that said somewhere
before from a mortal.

“Or perhaps it
is convincing the world that God exists and we do not.”

“I think we
have the beginnings of a conspiracy theory.”

“This is mere
postulation. Even Osiris has no idea about this God and he was in
Egypt during the whole Old Testament.” Prometheus said, before
asking “How’s work?”

“I hate it, a
bit. I just stick around because of the girls. I used to find it
amusing telling the mortals about The Ragnarok being the war that
ends the war, and now I’m starting to feel guilty about it.”
Liberty said, confessing the one thing that she would never say to
Glory.

“Of course you
do, it’s make believe. The Ragnarok is a total fabrication. We both
know that if the world is going to end, it will be far more
complicated than that. These stories that all the family pantheons
propagate all conflict, if one of them goes the others will most
likely go too, and yet Asgard believes in The Ragnarok
wholeheartedly? You spent a goodly amount of time collecting
mortals to form a standing army; a standing army for what purpose
or rather for whose? You need to grow up. It may have been a ‘fun’
way of escaping any real responsibility for a time and no doubt
Glory is a charismatic, walking death wish, but Liberty the time
has come for you to accept more of a role in the universe.”

“I enjoy the
order of being a Valkyrie. Wake up, fill your quota, do a bit of
combat training, have a drink with Freya and Odin. It’s quite
perverse in its predictability. It has been a good cover for quite
some time. Everyone just saw the job without giving me too much
scrutiny, ignoring of course that stupid statue in New York.”
Liberty said, feeling the need to defend her choices to her father
like a tipsy sixteen year old school girl after a house party that
she wasn’t supposed to go to.

“Everyone apart
from Apollo, he’s far more intelligent than he looks and he also
has the sight like us, but to a lesser extent. He has your number.
Darling Liberty, you’re a being of pure chaos. Is there anything
more disordered than true freedom, anything that provokes radical
change more than the unshackled?”

“No. No there
isn’t.”

“Is there
anything that the Norse, or the Olympians or any other established
pantheon despise more than change?”

“No.”

“Yet here we
are on the very cusp of what they fear most. Be good, if not be
safe.” Prometheus said kissing Liberty on the forehead, and with
that he was gone.

Liberty sat and
thought for a moment whilst looking at a crucified Christ on the
wall. As she was leaving, still holding the vase and the book, she
stopped and looked at the flower arrangements (sweet williams,
daisies, roses and lilies) and decides to rearrange them before
finally setting off for home.

Interlewd: Prometheus
Bound, Sealed and Delivered

Prometheus was smarter than your average Titan. He knew exactly
where his bread was buttered. As the Titan of foresight he was a
dab hand at winning board games, respect and wars. He had defected
to Zeus’s side in The Titanomachy, the conflict that put Zeus in
power. Prometheus had been a grand ally to the Olympian cause and
had gotten on swimmingly with Zeus until eventually Prometheus went
a little too far. He committed two crimes that he was never really
forgiven for.

***

Prometheus was
pushing his luck already. Back in the days when the mortals had the
sense to worship the Olympians they used to make animals offerings.
Now this wasn’t necessarily a good thing for the mortals as they
kept going hungry as a result, so Prometheus decided to fix it for
his favourite creations.

“What have you
bloody gone and done this time?” Zeus said, thunder rattling
through the skies.

“What the meat
thing?” Prometheus asked.

“Yes the bloody
meat thing. You bloody tricked me you shit. What the heck do we
want with skin, fat and bone as offerings. We want the meat. That’s
where the power is.”

“Well the
mortals need it or they will all start getting deficiency diseases
and die. They’ve no concept of vegetarianism yet. We’ve got quite
some time until that appears on their developmental timeline.”

“Reverse it
now.”

“No can do,
you’re stuck with the gristle forever now.” Prometheus said, cue
bluster.

***

This all pissed
Zeus off so he stole fire from the mortals so they wouldn’t be able
to cook the meat anyway. No one ever called Zeus petty.

“Why the fuck
did you have to go and do that?” Zeus asked. He was bloody
furious.

“Do what?”
Prometheus asked. He was prone to nonchalance.

“Give the
sodding mortals fire again.” Zeus was getting even angrier as he
knew that Prometheus was just playing silly beggars with him
now.

“Oh that. Well
they won’t ever develop civilisations if they don’t have combustion
now will they?”

“They don’t
need civilisations. They’re only stupid humans. They’re never going
to amount to much.”

“Well being as
I invented mankind, I get to make that call. Everything’s fine, go
back to chasing after nymphs or something.” Prometheus had barely
looked up from his book during any of this discourse.

“No, it’s not
bloody fine.” Zeus literally stormed out. As god of thunder and
king of the skies he nailed it. “That’s it. I’ve fucking had it
this time. Hera where the fuck is my fucking eagle?”

***

So Zeus had
Prometheus chained to a rock and he charged his pet eagle the task
of pecking out Prometheus’s liver every day for it to grow back
every night. It wasn’t for some time that good ol’ Hercules slayed
the eagle and set Prometheus free. Zeus had felt that he’d done his
time and he was beginning to really enjoy the mortals (their
women). Prometheus and Zeus were basically Olympus’s version of
Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor: forever sniping but they loved
each other really and kept going back for a little bit more each
time. 

Showering

Liberty returned to the Hackney
house. She went into the kitchen and rifled through the draw
labelled ‘anti-depressants’ and took a fistful or so of Xanax, well
at least enough to make an unhappy person resemble a happyish
person for a month, and swallowed them all. She had picked up her
post on her way in and sat at the table to read her correspondence.
The vase had been placed in the middle of the table whilst the poor
‘historical’ tome was left on the stairs for Honour to inevitably
pick up. Amongst the letters were the usual junk, a marriage
proposal from a cyclops and another from a troll, a few invitations
that she’d probably have to accept and to her horror another sonnet
from Apollo. She had started keeping a box of his poetry under her
bed (precisely underneath her pillow) just in case she ever needed
them i.e. avoiding being turned into a tree.

From her room
Honour had heard the door go and had picked up her laptop before
going to fetch Bea. On their arrival in the kitchen they found
Liberty propped up on her arms staring into nothing. Honour was
anxious to introduce Bea to Liberty after Bea’s general awesomeness
at Valhalla that day. Liberty was tremendously good at seeing
through everyone’s crap. She was a difficult goddess to lie to.

“Liberty this
is Bea, as I am
sure
you already know, but I thought I
should introduce you formally. Bea this is Liberty.” Honour said
with some grandeur.

Liberty looked
lively once Bea offered her a hand to shake. Liberty like Glory was
not a cheek-kisser, it made them both feel awkward, and that was
one of the major bonds that cemented their friendship.

“How do you do?
It is a pleasure. I trust that you’ve settled in to your new room.”
Liberty said.

“Yes, thank
you. So Liberty how long have you been a Valkyrie in the 401
for?”

“Too long, I
joined just before the Wars of The Roses. That was my first
assignment actually. How’s your first day going?”

“Not bad.
Valhalla was pretty cool.”

“Lovely.”

“We bumped in
to Astrid.” Honour said.

“I really
loathe her. Is she still awful? She was a chocolate teapot during
The Battle of Britain. Has her arse got lardy from sitting on it?”
Liberty asked.

“No, it was
peachy enough to take a bite from.” Honour grinned wickedly.

“I can see the
juice running down your chin.” Bea said.

“Ha well, yes.
Lib before you go and get changed for Valhalla could you please
have a look at my section of the plan for the Second Korean War?
I’ve tried to not angle it as a war of ideology but a war for
resources but it’s a logistical nightmare. It’s pretty tricky
stuff.” Honour said setting her laptop up on the table.

“Sure, no
problem.” Liberty began to read over some power point slides on the
laptop “I like how you’ve got China over a barrel like that,
screwing their banks over is the most efficient way to provoke them
into conflict. Have you liaised with any of the Shinto gods over
Stage Four? They’ll need to be informed of Japanese involvement;
they can get a little shirty otherwise. I’ve already dropped Ares a
little FYI email and he’s looking forward to bringing in the US at
Stage Six. Otherwise it looks grand. I’m happy for it to go to
Glory. What level of casualties are you projecting?”

“Pretty
sizable, it should carry us over for a good three decades. I’m
predicting around 1.9m.” Honour said.

“Currently it’s
running at 1,943,214. Not too far off there kid, good work. Bea
this is a good case study for you to get to grips with how we
work.” Liberty said with an approving nod.

“Perfect,
thanks.” Bea said.

Honour sat down
at the table having noticed a spelling mistake on one of the slides
and began editing the war plan as Liberty led Bea upstairs, the
pair chatting on the way.

“That’s
alright. I’ll take you through a full breakdown of processes at
some point. In the meantime have your parents sent your luggage
yet? You can’t go to Valhalla dressed like that.” Liberty said as
she glanced over Bea’s outfit.

“No not yet. My
mum’s kind of busy.”

“Not to worry,
you can borrow something of mine. We’re about the same size.
Whereabouts does your mum live again?” Liberty had noticed the
microsecond of well hidden pain on Bea’s face at the second mention
of her mother.

“She’s a water
nymph, so you know, in a lake.”

“And your dad,
what about him?”

“I don’t really
know him. He’s a bit of a scumbag; you know what they’re like: shag
and run.” Bea shrugged.

“Yeah, I know
the type. An Olympian?”

“Yup.” Bea said
indifferently. The two girls had reached Liberty’s room and Liberty
gestured at Bea to take a seat on the chaise longue near the
window.

“Never mind,
you’re a Valkyrie now. On that note Valhalla has a strict dress
code, nothing above the knee; it’s for your own protection really.
Odin gets touchy feely sometimes, although the impetus on Valkyries
to change how they dress rather than have Odin change his behaviour
is really weird when you think about it. I once clocked him in the
face with a foldable chair when he got a bit too handsy. That was
quite a nice deterrent for three years.” Liberty went over to her
wardrobe and opened it up displaying all of her gowns. She rummaged
through all of those beautiful silks and taffetas until she found a
strapless white dress with giant black embroidered flowers which
she pressed into Bea’s arms. “This is perfect. It goes with your
exquisite eyes” Liberty had only just noticed Bea’s eyes for the
first time and got a little embarrassed. She had been trying very
hard to not read into her new comrade’s future as she often thought
others might find it rude, particularly when after a few drinks she
tells them that their future husband is going to have an affair
with their sister. This was why she frequently wore sunglasses in
inappropriate places, well that and the fact that like Glory she
was probably on a come down. Liberty found it very difficult when
meeting new people not to view their future, it was an instinct to
her, but when she looked into Bea’s eyes all she saw was a muddle.
Bea’s future was all over the place with nothing set in stone, so
muddled in fact that it was impossible to glean anything of real
interest. Liberty had never come across anyone quite like this
before.

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