The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (40 page)

“About Nepal, I think you should-”

“Right, Nepal…go and have some good ol’ fashioned third world charity fun.”

Just then the rest of the crew barrels back into the room to
ohhhhh
and
ahhhhhh
over its beauty.

Welcome To My World

March, 2003

Apparitions of Leo will always linger.  I want them to leave me alone, but it’s like they’re literally growing inside of me, and like the bountiful garden in my backyard, they get more abundant every day.  Fortunately, I’m able to get through my days with limited images of Leo and his new girlfriend because they’re jam-packed with activities at Kendall’s school, doctors’ appointments, the yoga studios and Lamaze classes where Slutty Co-worker is animatedly standing in as my lesbian lover.   My nights though…they’re God awful.  In the beginning, I tried to flick on The Family Feud, but unlike the distraction he so kindly provided during my divorce days, Richard Dawson did little to stop Leo’s new life
and
his new success from flashing through my mind.  Most of my nights end with me in some kind of Glenn Close type of scenario where I sit in darkness in my new rocking chair.  With each sway, I cruelly envision Leo having his way with that girl.  And then I fantasize about her dying a slow and painful death. 

It was four weeks ago that I came to my own absolute conclusion that the baby is Leo’s.  I even let out a little derisive chuckle every now and then that I ever thought it wasn’t. Drunk or not, I’d always be true to him.  And, Kurt…well, he’s just not the kind of guy to bang a drunk chick.  I let my mind get the best of me ever since I woke up in Kurt’s bed and it’s managed to ruin the most special experience of my life…and it opened the door for a new one to enter Leo’s. Absolute conclusion or not, I’m not so sure it’s fair to break that door down and ruin whatever he’s got going on now.

Megan and Kurt left yesterday for mission “whatever,” and I’m truly a single mom for the next thirty days.  For the first time since our heated conversation in his driveway on September eleventh, Kurt made contact with me last night in the form of an email.  It simply said he didn’t have a formal will, but in the event that something should happen to him, everything he owns goes to Kendall.  I got it last night and two things surprised me:  One, he
actually
planned for the future, and two, he didn’t mention
anything
about my pregnancy.  Shockingly, his lack of interest about the most important thing to EVER happen to me caused me no annoyance.  It only further substantiated my absolute conclusion that the baby belongs to Leo.

Plucking some zucchini from my green oasis, I smile and can’t wait to show Kendall when she gets home from school.  For once, I’ll have her all to myself on a weekend and I can hardly wait. She’s the most important person in my life now and as sick and twisted as it may seem, I can’t imagine her not being my daughter.  We have our routines, like cookies and milk after school, tending to the garden well into dusk and casting spells with her magic wand right before bed time.  We’re also learning how to cook together
and
how to navigate through a library, with her being the more experienced one at both.   Sometimes I think Kelly’s rolling over in her grave watching it all happen, but I’m quickly comforted knowing all of those experiences are exactly why she left Kendall to me.  I think she knew I needed them just as much as her daughter.

I bailed on the cemetery last month because Kendall and I had more important stuff to do, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to Nicole and Courtney about all of the conclusions I’ve come to.  But surprisingly their emails further substantiate everything I’ve been thinking.  Both of them admitted Kurt still hasn’t brought me up once and they’ve since recanted their prior assumptions that he’s the father.  In fact, they think he’s even seeing someone new.  I know I’ll have to talk to Kurt again one day.  I mean, something will eventually happen with Kendall, or the gang, that will necessitate a verbal exchange.  But until then, I’m kind of enjoying the break. 

With every day and every kick in my belly that passes, I become less worried about Leo hating me for keeping the pregnancy from him and why I did, and more concerned about my child having a relationship with his or her father.  I’ve become more truly, madly, deeply about what’s growing inside of me than my own love life, and I feel like I’m able to deal with the fallout from the nightmare I’ve created with grace.  And I also feel like even though Leo has a new special experience in his life, I
think
he’d consider mine more special, and he’d want to be a part of it.

Placing the freshly-picked zucchini in the basket that holds the other seventy-five pounds of vegetables I’ve picked over the last couple of days, I think…there’s only one person who can substantiate my assumptions.

Ringing, ringing, ringing and then…

“Hello?”

“It’s Chrissy.”

Just an exhale.

“How are you, Taddeo?”

“Hangin’ in there.”

“Don’t you wanna know how I’m doing?”

“Things finally got good around here, so no…not really.”

“Does that mean Leo still lives with you?”

“Yeah…for now.”

Fucker.

“Look, I know about her, so don’t think you can hurt me with that, okay?”

Nothing but silence.

“Listen…Remember that night a long time ago when we ran into each other at the Red Devil Lounge?”

“Yeah?”

“And I told you there was more to my life than I had told Leo and I wasn’t sure if he could handle the truth…”

“What the fuck is the point of this phone call, Chrissy?”

“There’s something going on in my life now that I think he should know about, but I’m not sure if he can handle it.”

“Look, I hate to be a dick, but you guys are kinda over, so whatever you’ve got going on in your life really isn’t his problem anymore.”

“I’m pregnant.” 

I could’ve given birth in the amount of time it took for him to react.

“How pregnant?”

“About six months.”

Doing the math in his head, he quickly calculates my visit to New York was exactly that long ago and exhales, “Oh, shit.”

“Is that what you think he’ll say?”

“Jesus Christ, Chrissy, the guy’s finally happy.”

“And it’s not my intention to change that.”

“Then
what
is your intention?”

“I wanna know if you think I should tell him.”

“Your timing sucks, you know that?  He’s moving in with L…”

“DON’T SAY HER NAME!  I DON’T WANNA KNOW HER FUCKING NAME!”

“Okay, okay, okay…I’m sorry.  Jesus, hormonal much?”

“Hormonal A LOT, Taddeo, so take it easy on me.”

Realizing I’m a lot more fragile than I was the last time he saw me, which was pretty freaking fragile, he takes it down a notch.

“Fine.  It’s just that…dammit, Chrissy, he’s getting really serious with this girl and this is gonna…this is gonna…”

“
This is gonna what?”

“Ruin everything.”

I hang my head in defeat.  That’s it then.  I have the answers I was looking for when I set out to make this phone call. They’re not the answers I wanted, but they’re answers. 

“I guess that’s all I needed to know.”

“Wait!  So you’re not gonna tell him about this?”

“And be the one to ruin his life?  No thanks.  I love him too much to do that.”

“But, now I know too!  Fuck, I’ve never kept a secret from him in my whole life!”

“Well I guess now I’m not the only one with more baggage than a 747, am I?  Welcome to my world, Taddeo.”

And then I hung up.   

My next phone call is to the only person in the world who can help me make sense of my decision, and two hours later, I’m on her couch.

Ready?

March, 2003

“Well, well, well…I wasn’t expecting this!”

Rubbing her hands on my belly, she continues with, “Do you know what you’re having?”

“Nope, let’s just say I’m all about the surprises these days.”

“Well, you look absolutely beautiful, hunny.”

Faking a smile, “You know me, Dr. Maria…it’s all about what’s on the outside.”

“Things not so pretty on the inside?”

“Hideous, actually.”

After a long pause, she takes off her glasses and points at my stomach, “You don’t know whose that is, do you?”

Letting out an exhausted breath, “All signs point to it being Leo’s.”

Looking down at the size of my stomach, “Well, when are you going to start asking the questions that are going to give you the definitive answers you need?”

After plopping into the couch I give her a matter of fact, “I’m not, and I guess that’s why I’m here.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m too afraid of the fallout.”

“But Chrissy, this isn’t about you anymore.”

Why is that everyone’s favorite thing to say to me?

Throwing my hands in the air, “Dr. Maria, it’s too late.”

“Too late for what?”

“Too late for any of this to be good.”

“Chrissy, you need answers for this baby.
Don’t you see that?”

“AND DON’T YOU SEE HOW TERRIFYING THIS IS FOR ME?”

I’ve been brash before with Dr. Maria, sometimes even a little rude.  But, I’ve never yelled at her like that and it catches her completely off guard.

“I see your hormones are working a little over time.”

After a long while of staring out the window, wondering how I’m going to rebound from having just made yet another ass of myself, Dr. Maria breaks the silence.

“At risk of you biting my head off again, I have to just say…You’re smarter than this, Chrissy.”

Still staring out the window, I respond in barely a whisper.

“Dr. Maria, if this is Leo’s and I go to him now and tell him I kept this from him for six months and why I kept it from him,
can you imagine his reaction?”

“He’ll be pissed, and he has every right to be.  But hunny, if it
is
his, think about the possibilities.”

“There are no possibilities.  He’s with someone new.”

“I don’t care if he has twelve wives.  The man deserves to know!”

Jesus, who’s the hormonal one now?

My voice, still barely a whisper, confesses, “Taddeo said it would ruin everything for him.”

“Now you’re taking advice from a guy who doesn’t like you?  Again, hunny, c’mon, you’re smarter than this.”

“I know I’m a lot smarter than this.  But going to him now almost feels like I’m hunting for chaos.  I’m so tired of chaos, Dr. Maria.”

She can tell I’m lost.  Her voice softens.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Chrissy, but right now you’re living smack dab in the middle of chaos.  I promise you, nothing will be calm in your life until you confirm who the father is.”

“In my heart of hearts, I know it’s Leo’s.”

“Then
you
know what my advice is.”

Finally becoming part of a back-up singing group myself, Dr. Maria and I simultaneously recite her famous words.

“Follow your heart, hunny, it’ll take you where you need to go.”

As I stand to gather my belongings to leave her office, I turn to confess my real fear.

“Knowing hasn’t been my problem for a while now.  It was replaced by telling about four weeks ago.”

“Just dial his number.  When you hear his voice, you’ll know what to say.”

With not enough time to get anything done at home or at work until I have to pick up Kendall from school, I make a pit stop at the Lafayette reservoir to wait out the clock and beat myself up for what could’ve been.  I park and guardedly walk to the bench where I found Leo sitting…
five years ago
.  Just like that day, all I can hear is the crunch of the rocks under my shoes as I approach it.  But, unlike that day, the bench is empty.  There are no strong hands waiting for me, no green eyes to pierce right through me.

Like I used to so often do, I sit and watch the packs of modern day Francesca’s circle the trail and like I did a few years ago, I eavesdrop on their depressing conversations.  They still hate their husbands, they still resent their kids.  They still hate the job that they’re forced to have to afford their mediocre lifestyle or they hate the fact that they had to give up the job they loved to raise their children.  They still look pissed and tired and they still continue to bitch and moan about the great lives they used to have.  Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t fit into any of the pathetic packs because I don’t even have a husband of my own to bitch and moan about.  I guess I’m going to have to start my own pathetic pack.  It’ll be made up of single moms who never even came close to getting what they wanted in life because they continually sabotaged their happiness.  With that thought, my head drops into my hands and I lose it. 

After a few minutes, or maybe twenty, of hard core sobbing, I lift my head to find that I’m not alone.

“How long have you been sitting here?”

“Long enough.  Did you get it all out?”

“Is Leo waiting for me at home?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then I didn’t get it all out.”

“You’re ruining this very special time in your life, you know.  A time that you might not ever get to have again.”

Suddenly feeling really stupid because of all that she lost and her inability to get it back at this stage of her life, I shake my head in disgust.

“I don’t wanna feel this way, Barbara.  I thought I had moved mountains in my life so that I wouldn’t have to.”

“I know you did.”

“It took every ounce of courage I had to correct the mistakes of my past to be with Leo.”

“I know it did.”

“Then why didn’t it work out?”

“How do you know it didn’t?  No one’s dead, right?”

Honestly, I do not know how this woman survived the loss of her husband and child.  I gently place my hand on her knee to try and draw her strength.