The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (35 page)

Now trying my best to be sweet, “Actually, no…Can you drop Kendall off at school?  Pretty please?  I feel like…”

Knowing the S word is about to explode from my mouth, Kendall tugs my hand and disapprovingly shakes her head.  “I feel like pooh-pooh.”  Looking back down at Kendall, “Is that better?”

“Yep!”

“And, yep, I can take her to school!  Come on Kendall, hop on my back!”

The second they’re gone I slide down the wall and hang my head between my legs.

“Been hittin’ the bottle again, hunny?”

I pull my head up and glare at Slutty Co-worker, “Very funny.  Must be the flu or something.”

Barbara, who just walked in with a sassy new cut and color, takes one look at me and says, “That’s
not
the flu, sweetie pie…you’re pregnant.”

In unison, Slutty and I let out a whopping, “
SAY
WHAT
?”

“Yep, I know that look, and I bet you my next paycheck, there’s a baby in that belly!”

Almost not wanting it to be true as much as me, Slutty Co-worker starts rambling off a million questions.  I immediately throw my hands in the air to stop the annoyance.

“WHOA, hold on!  No one’s pregnant!  It’s just the flu!”

Barbara, who’s now laughing, kneels down beside me. “Is that why you fell asleep at your desk twice last week?  Is it why, all of a sudden, you run out of the building when you smell my food heating up in the microwave?”

“Okay, first of all,
helloooooo
, I’m raising a child…I’m tired!  And, second of all, that Berkeley Indian food cart shit smells like…shit! If you haven’t noticed,
everyone
runs out of the building!”

The new and improved Barbara stands, waves me off, and walks down the hallway singing,
“Somebody’s gonna have a baaaaaby!”

Slutty Co-worker looks down at my clearly puzzled face.

“You wanna talk this out?”

Scrambling to my feet, “Let’s go find a calendar.”

Settling at her desk with our day-timers in front of us, I start shuffling through the pages.

“That day!  Look, it’s in black and white!  I got my last depo provera shot on July nineteenth!  See, there’s no way I can be pregnant!”

“Hold on there, fertile Franny. 
Are you sure?
  Because according to my calendar, you took half of that day off to get the keys to your new house, and before you left to do that you were here the whole time.”

“What
?  Let me see that.”  I nervously grab at her calendar as she moves to look at her computer screen.

“Yep, and see right here?  Here’s an email I sent to Megan on that day bitching about how much time your house hunting had taken and that I was glad you went to get the keys, and it was finally over.”

“You guys talk shit about me?”

“All the time…but stay on point, this is serious!  Do you think that maybe in the excitement of getting the keys to the house you forgot to go to the doctor?”

Like a shot of lightening…No scratch that.  Like baby kicking in the womb, all of a sudden I remember exactly what happened.

“Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit.”

“What did you do, doll?”

“Ohhhhhh, no, no, no, no, no.  This is
not
good.”

“Oh boy, what’s not good?”

“It’s coming back to me now.”

“Spill it.”

“I was
supposed
to get it after I got the keys, but when I called Leo from the new house and he told me the news about postponing his arrival until September, I remember thinking, ‘Heck, I guess I don’t have to get that shot today,’ and I decided to stay at the house and play with Kendall in the backyard.”

“And you never rescheduled?”

In total disbelief, I sift through the pages of my calendar and murmur, “How could I have forgotten?”

“Hold on, it
never
crossed your mind that you forgot when you were having sex with Leo last month?”

“No.  And I even pulled my calendar out on the flight home to see when my next shot was scheduled.”

“When is it?”

Looking down at my calendar, “Tomorrow.”

“Guess you can forget about going to that one, huh?”

Nervously staring at my friend, “Do you think Barbara’s right?”

“Only one way to find out.”

Twenty minutes later, after a quick run to the drug store, Slutty Co-worker sneaks a peek at the stick I peed on three minutes ago and vivaciously asks, “Are you ready?”

I never thought, once I became an adult, that being pregnant could be a nightmare.  After all, it was engraved on the Life List I made when I was sixteen.  Even though that list didn’t pan out like I dreamt it would, and I promised myself I was done with lists forever, I couldn’t resist and made that new little one right after Leo suggested we get married in Fiji.  Everything was falling into place and it seemed safe to start planning my life again.  And, item #6 on my old list, to have children, became #3 on my new list, and I happily dreamt of the day I would become pregnant.   However, I happily dreamt about it as a married woman…not as a knocked-up, dumped and dejected single mom who’s barely capable of raising the kid her dead friends left her.  But, all of that stuff is
not
why a positive pregnancy result would be a nightmare.  It’s what I’m too afraid to admit that makes it one.

Closing my eyes, “I’m ready.”

“It’s negative.”

Because the super emotional side of me swears she already felt contractions, I snap open my eyes and look at Slutty Co-worker, shocked and confused.

“Wow. Guess I dodged a huge bullet with that one, didn’t I?”

“Why’s that?  I mean, it’s not like I’m into trapping guys by getting knocked up, but you definitely would’ve gotten Leo back.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t tell you this because quite frankly, it scared me a little, but when you were asking me those questions about the night I spent at Kurt’s house-”

“Oh God, the underwear…was it crunchy?”

“Would you stop with that!”

In actuality, the peek I had of the underwear the morning I got home from his house revealed no such crunch.  Even so, the lack of evidence did nothing to curb my concern over what might’ve actually happened in his bed.

“What then?”

“Well, you asked me how I knew if nothing happened with Kurt, and I said I knew because I’d never cheat on Leo.”

“But?”

“But Kurt never actually denied it.”

“Well, this is getting interesting…”

“The thing is I don’t remember much of anything from that night.  To be honest…I might’ve slept with him.”

“Oh boy.”

“The only thing Kurt told me after that night was whatever happened…wasn’t his fault.  I’ve been trying to convince myself he was referring to merely waking up in his bed, but whenever I add up the facts…lots of wine…the emotional moment we shared with the graduation picture…the tank top and underwear…all signs point to the obvious. 
Don’t they?”

My supportive side-kick knows I’m about to lose it and wraps her arms around me.

“It’s been
killing
me that I might’ve betrayed Leo, but since I knew, or at least I thought I knew, I was protected by the shot, it’s been kind of easy to believe what I wanted to believe…”

“…Because there would never be proof to the contrary.”

“Exactly.” 

I turn toward my friend so she can see how disgusted I am.

“Now can you see how being pregnant would’ve been a total nightmare?”

“Absolutely.  You slept with Leo two weeks after that night.  You’d have a little baby daddy mystery on your hands, wouldn’t you?”

I look into her eyes and insist she tell me the truth.

“Do you think I could’ve actually slept with Kurt?”

“Not a chance, I know how much you love Leo. But, you should probably find out for sure.”

“Why?”

Handing me the stick, “Because you’re pregnant.”

Hush Little Baby

November, 2002

I remember this feeling.  It’s a larger than life kind of thing.  It’s a feeling you can only understand if you’ve been told you’re pregnant.  In an instant, you’re not
just
you, you’re two people. Your life is over and just beginning all at the same time.  You’ll never be ready for it…even when you’ve been planning for it your entire life. And you certainly can’t be ready for it when you don’t even know who the father is.

“What did you just say?”

Handing me the stick, Slutty Co-worker giddily says, “See right there?  It’s blue, and blue means you’re pregnant!”

Frantically flipping the box over so I can match the results, it’s easy to conclude that, I am, indeed pregnant.

“Why the hell did you tell me it was negative?”

“Just fucking with you.  It might be the last time we have fun like this now that you’re gonna be all maternal.  Pregnant women are so…blah.”

“Holy shit, I have a baby…growing inside of me…RIGHT NOW?”

They’re the exact words I spoke when I found out I was pregnant at seventeen and even though I’m thirty-three now, they’re coming out as frightened and confused as they did back then.

“Yep.  And now that we’ve established that, I guess it’d be a good idea to establish who the father is.”

Oh my God!  This is a total nightmare!  I’m officially a candidate for one of those ‘who’s my baby daddy’ episodes of
The Jerry Springer Show.

Judging by the look on my face, Slutty feels compelled to make the most horrid of horrid remarks, “That is…if you decide to keep it.”

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  I’m not supposed to be comparing myself to Jerry Springer trash, and I’m not supposed to be asked if I’m going to keep my baby.  I’m a grown-up now! A real live child psychologist even called me one!  Someone please tell me, HOW IS THIS MY PATHETIC LIFE…AGAIN?

“Chrissy, you are gonna keep it…
right?”

Leo doesn’t want me anymore.  We made our break, and I have no right to ruin his life for the millionth time.  I will never tell him about this.

“Hunny, are you in shock?”

And there’s no way I’m asking Kurt if this is his. I don’t want to know if I slept with him. It would make me sick knowing I did that to Leo.  I will never tell him about this.

“You’re freaking me out, girl.  Can you please tell me what you’re thinking?”

But how long can I keep a pregnancy a secret?  Leo’s no problem because he’s on the east coast, but I see Kurt almost every Friday and Sunday when we exchange Kendall.  Eventually he’ll find out…and if he asks if it’s his, then I’ll know the ugly truth about what really happened that night.

“You’re turning white.  Sit tight, I’m gonna get you some water.”

How will I tell Kendall? 
What will I tell Kendall
?  Should we move into the Lafayette house that I can barely afford?  I can’t bear to sell it though.  It’s the dream house I was supposed to share with my dream husband as we raised our dream family. I look up toward the sky and internally scream, SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO?  And then I remember what happened the last time I begged for the answer to that question…Dr. Maria called to tell me to follow my heart, it’ll take me where I need to go.  Looking at the blue stick I ask myself,
what does your heart want, Chrissy?
Within a nanosecond, my mind answers.  My heart wants a family.  Like a bottle going into a screaming baby’s mouth, I’m all of a sudden composed.  Kendall , this baby, and I are going to move into that damn dream house, and I’m going to FINALLY do what I should’ve done starting all the way back at sixteen.  I’m going to take it day by day.  No lists.  No expectations of what the perfect life is supposed to look like.

“Here’s your water, hunny.  Now…please tell me what the heck you’re gonna do.”

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but what I did when I was seventeen was, by far, the worst.  Sliding my hands down to my belly, drawing strength from my new family member, I answer my old friend.

“Of course, I’m keeping this baby.”

“Oh, this is so exciting!  When can we start telling people?”

“Never.”

How can I forget you

Memories come and go

You’re all I've ever wanted

You’re all I've ever known

Can I be happy

Living with your ghost

The pictures tell the story

I took them off the wall

It’s hard enough to get through

I still can feel the fall

Do you even think of me at all?

(Only you, Matthew Perryman)

It’s Time

November, 2002

It was four years ago that I signed the lease to my cottage.  The courage it took for me to put my name on that contract…the courage it took for me to break the news to Kurt that I was leaving him…the courage it took for me to sleep in it alone for the first time, all of it is something I wish I could write a book about.  And, the first thing I would write is how much harder it was to leave than I ever thought possible.  My little six hundred square foot dwelling has saved my life over and over again.  Leaving it, feels like a death.

My landlord, although bummed he wouldn’t be getting any more of my money, was accommodating when I had to break the three-year lease that Leo and I just signed a few months ago.  And knowing I had to break it because we split-up and I no longer had a man in my life, he was nice enough to help me pack up the place.  Standing in it now, cold and empty just like it was the first time I stepped foot in it, I’m just as alone and scared as I was back then.  Before I shut the door for the last time, I take one last tour of my love shack.

First, I scan the vacant bathroom, and my eyes land on the place they had so many times over the last year.  The towel I had expected so much out of, is now sitting in the bottom of a box somewhere.  When push came to shove, I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.  Aside from my Banana Republic ring, it’s the only physical reminder I have left of Leo, unless, of course…the human being growing inside of me is his.   With that stomach-turning-mystery-of-a-thought, I move on to the bedroom.  I stare forever at the outline of where the bed used to be, the bed I gave everything I had to Leo in.  The mattress is now in the dump and the frame has been donated.  I never want to be reminded of what I’ll never experience again.  Next, I walk out to the deck and stare blankly at the creek, feeling sad I didn’t do it a lot more while I lived here.  Finally, I walk to the kitchen, the place where so much happened.  I glide my hand across the countertop one last time and touch the wall where Leo placed my hands the night I “bumped” into him at The Round Up.  I close my eyes and feel everything all over again.  The temptation to change my mind about leaving the cottage hits me hard, and I swiftly move my hands to my stomach to draw the strength I need to move on to the next stage of my life.