The Ultimate Stonemage: A Modest Autobiography (32 page)

She said, “That is strange, for we were given very specific orders, even down to the ports we should attack. But perhaps this was merely a ruse on the Ucher’s part, in order to foil spies.”

I said, “The Ucher is ever mysterious, and spies may be anywhere, therefore your speculation seems to have merit.”

The captain said, “But if we are not to journey to the coast of America, where are we to go?”

I said, “Go west.”

“To what land?”

I thought for a moment and remembered a story I had once heard about the foul and crude people of
Poagh. They live upon a rocky island and sew their clothes from sackcloth. They are in the habit of drinking too much strong wine, and when they do, they shout loud insults at each other and sing disagreeable songs.

Perhaps the people of Poagh did not deserve to be slaughtered for the sake of these habits, but neither, as it seemed to me, did the kind folk of America, and if it was a choice between one or the other—as it clearly was—the people of Poagh were obviously less worthy to survive. So, faced with two violent and disagreeable options, I did what I had to do, and what any reasonable person would have done, and picked the one less disagreeable to me.

I said to the captain, “Find the island of Poagh and lay waste to its towns and villages.”

The captain said, “With rockets or with myrmidons?”

I said, “First unleash all your rockets upon their towns, then send in the myrmidons to kill all the inhabitants.”

She nodded and said she would do as I had asked.

Then I said, “Do you have some way of contacting the other ships in the fleet?”

She said, “Certainly. We have trained certain large seabirds to search out our ships. By means of these birds, which we carry aboard in cages, we can send messages to the main body of the fleet. Do you wish me to relay the Ucher’s message to them?”

I said, “Yes. Send the message. Let all the ships in the fleet unleash their fury upon the wicked inhabitants of Poagh. I, for my part, will return to my ship and travel on ahead of you.”

I returned to my ship and we sailed off. Even though my ship was heavily laden with treasure, it was faster than the great warships, and, by late the next day, they were no longer visible behind us.

I was very satisfied with the work I had done, and I knew in sparing the cities of America from the enemy fleet, I had handsomely repaid all the kindness the emperor had given to me over the years. What I did not yet realize, though, was that my actions would also bring salvation to our own dear land of
Cyprus in its time of need. You will hear how a little later, but remember this story!

We continued to sail west for a month or so, plying our way across the Pacific Ocean. I had made sure I had plenty of water and food for the journey, along with a number of interesting books, not to mention the excellent company of
Bitian Teppel, whose skills in philosophy and reasoning were almost as keen as my own.

There were dangers, of course. Several times the weather turned foul, and on one occasion the wind lifted the waves up like mountains, and they towered three times higher than my ship’s masts. Oh, we were cruelly tossed! Although I am normally of a sturdy constitution, and not prone to seasickness, I became very seasick then, I will tell you, and things went even worse for Bitian Teppel, who was not used to the sea and would become sick even when things were only a little choppy. Still I was not afraid when these great storms lashed at us, and I prayed hard to God despite my sickness. Sure enough, within a day or so the storms had gone and my sickness with it.

On another occasion, a number of large whales appeared near the ship and swam alongside us for a time. I saw the cruel eyes of these monstrous fish and knew they had only one purpose: to sink my ship and eat its crew. Still, they did not attack us immediately, for I rather fancy they sensed something unusual about this ship, and they said to each other, “I feel within my brutish heart there is one aboard this vessel who is protected by God.”

I went out onto the deck then and waved to the whales with both arms, shouting, “Begone, you murderous fish!” Then I said to them, “I am Yreth, and I swear by God that any injury you visit on me will be visited upon you tenfold.”

Well, the fish thought on my words for a time and, I am sure, discussed it among themselves. At length, they seemed to decide it was not worth the risk to attack me, and they turned away to seek some other victim, which proves that, on occasion, a fish can be more intelligent than a man, for I had given a similar warning to the courtier
Lambic Staid, but he had ignored it and suffered the consequences.

Eventually we sighted land. It did not seem we had been travelling very long, so I thought this was just some island in the middle of the ocean, but, as it turned out, it was the land of
Sira Tereen, close to the
Western Extremity. I had heard of this place, and, because I am of an inquisitive nature, we put in there for a time, at a port called
Iacho, so I might see what kind of folk lived there.

I will tell you about this, because it well illustrates the dangers of travelling to far lands, dangers which derive, very often, not from savage animals, but from the curious customs found in various parts of the world.

I knew Sira Tereen was a land with strange ways, so I decided to go about the town with some care. I did not dock the ship where its cargo might easily be seized, but instead anchored it out in the bay and lowered the rowing boat from the deck.

Bitian Teppel wanted to come with me, but I had qualms about this, for he was not so resourceful as I, so I said, “No, stay here for the present. If all is safe, I will return for you.”

He said, “Will you take myrmidons?”

I said, “No, for then I will appear like a warrior, and this may provoke an attack. Instead, I will go as a merchant, for all the world loves merchants.” Then I put on a merchant’s robes, and took a large bag, as if I had wares to sell. I also carried a solid staff, for this is a good weapon, but it does not look so threatening as a sword or a spear.

I rowed to the dock, climbed up from my boat, and walked into the town. I looked around for some person whom I might befriend and employ as my guide to this place. When I approach strangers in foreign parts, I have learned always to proceed with the utmost caution. I do not approach those with scars or wild hair, for these features indicate a quarrelsome disposition. Neither do I speak with those who snarl or curse or bang hirdy stones upon the walls, for these are the traits of assassins and thieves. Rather, I look for a person of light build, well dressed, and with a small mouth tilted slightly upwards at the edges. I always seek out a man rather than a woman since, unfortunately, my own attractive appearance makes women weak in the hips and incapable of giving useful advice.

After a few minutes of casual searching, I spotted a fellow who met my standards. He was standing by a merchant’s stall, sharing a dish of creamed bacon with his two children. I nodded to him, then addressed him, saying, “The weather, you will note, is not in an extreme state today.”

I had carefully chosen this remark for its four merits: it was unlikely to give offence; it was undeniably true; it was interesting in itself; and it demonstrated what
Vanseefe calls “a delight in the moderate,” which shows a refined nature.

Well, the fellow agreed the weather was very much as I had described it, and, since there was little more to discuss on that topic, I moved on to greater ones. I explained I had travelled to his island from across the ocean. He said he had seen my ship in the bay and assumed something of the sort.

I was about to tell him more when I noticed a small dog sniffing near his children. Without considering the matter, I kicked the dog away, so it might not bite them. Instead of showing gratitude, though, the man became ferocious. He shouted, “What? You would kick a dog!”

I said to him, “These are my boots, and I kick them where I will.”

He pushed at me then, and I pushed him back. Then he struck at my face with his hand and waited for my response.

I knew I must be careful then, for if I struck at his face in return, he would likely strike me again, upon the body, whereupon I would strike him upon the body. Then he might kick at me, and I would kick back. And where would this lead? Before I knew it, we would both have drawn weapons, and we would be fighting like a couple of bandits. And yet I had not come to this place to begin a fight, and now that a fight seemed to be starting I wished only to end it quickly. Therefore, I lifted up my staff and brought it suddenly down upon the ingrate’s head, to his great alarm and instant stupefaction. The fight was efficiently finished, with my adversary flat upon the ground.

There were people watching, and many gasped to see my skill. But one argumentative old man pushed forward and shook his finger in my face.

“How dare you commit such an outrage!” he said.

I said, firmly, but without anger, “The outrage was committed against me. The matter is now settled.”

He said, “Not so! Not by any means! A man lies insensible. Stand where you are, while the impositors are summoned.” Then he waved to a boy to fetch these impositors of his.

I said, “Peh! Do you think I will remain here at your whim? It is clear you are either demented or the worse for drink. Begone.”

I made to leave, but old Grandfather would see and hear no reason. He pulled out a
spillot, which is a weapon like a flat-sword but with a spoonlike tip, and thrust it towards me. I brushed it away with my arm, but he brought the blade around and swung hard at me, and I had to move swiftly to avoid the blow.

I could see this dotard meant to kill me, so I fought back with a will, parrying his blows with my staff and taking a few swings of my own. We fought only a minute or so, and finally, having knocked the spillot from his grasp, I took his legs under my arms, spun him around, and swung his head against a wall, which, alas, brought about the death of the old fellow.

You might think the business would have ended there, but this was a violent land, and no sooner had I picked up my staff than four young men came running, their leader blowing upon a whistle, and all of them clutching swords. Well, I was in a foul mood now, so I stepped forward to give them my warrior’s handshake. I brought my staff down sidelong into the leader’s face, which brought a quick end to his annoying whistle-blowing, then I pulled my silver throwing-razor from my right boot and stabbed him with it. It was a perfectly placed blow and struck him directly in the heart, so he fell instantly dead. I made a run for it then, with the other youths chasing after me.

One of the three was a swift runner, and as I ran back to the dock, he grabbed at my legs, sending us both to the ground. I turned on him with a vengeance, though, and gave him some good deep cuts with my weapon, until his pain from the injuries became a matter more pressing to him than the seizing of poor Yreth.

By this time, the other two youths were almost upon me. I scrambled for the long ladder which led down to the boat but instantly realized that, if I were so foolish as to climb down, the youths would catch me as I climbed, and swing their swords down upon me. I did not dare jump into the boat, either, for the dock was high up from the water, and I would certainly have capsized the boat, or broken the timbers in its belly.

I could see my ship anchored off the coast. I shouted for help, and waved furiously. As luck would have it, one of the myrmidons had his eye on the dock, and he hurled his spear at my pursuers. The huge weapon clattered to the ground at their feet. It did them no harm, but they were startled for a few seconds and looked around to see where the thrower was standing. By the time they had gathered their wits again, I had climbed down the ladder, cut the mooring rope, pushed off and was rowing back towards my ship, while my myrmidons covered my escape by throwing more spears.

Now, consider the tally of my visit to the town of Iacho. I had been forced to leave one man insensible, one injured, and two dead. And for what? The well intentioned kicking of a dog! As you may well suppose, we quickly departed that dangerous and capricious land, and continued our voyage west.

We were now very close to the
Western Extremity of the world. I was, naturally, excited at the prospect of reaching this unusual location and of seeing what it would be like to be instantaneously transported to a point thousands of miles away, so I stayed awake during the next night so I might enjoy the magical moment of transference.

The event occurred in the early hours of the morning. I was sitting upon the deck in a chair looking out at the stars, and almost on the verge of sleeping despite my best efforts to stay awake. Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation. I cannot quite describe it—it was a little as if someone had suddenly spun me around, although it was far more subtle. At once, I was jolted into wakefulness, and I said, “What? What was that?”

A slave was standing nearby, and he said, “I saw nothing, sire.”

I said, “Did you feel a strange sensation just now?”

He said, “No, sire.”

I knew I had felt the instantaneous motion of the ship to the
Eastern Extremity, a motion too sublime to make itself known to a slave, but one which my heightened sensitivities were capable of detecting.

I shouted then, saying, “Haha! We have left the
Pacific Ocean behind us. We are in the
Great Eastern Sea now, and beyond the horizon lies
Dranseet and
Cyprus.”

Then I woke
Bitian Teppel, and, even though we had only slaves and myrmidons for company, we made a fine celebration. Bitian Teppel instructed all the slaves in the art of dancing and making merry, and I brought out a cask of sweet wine which Bitian and I drank with the utmost pleasure.

After another six weeks, we sighted the coast of
Dranseet. Navigation became easy then, for we had only to follow the coastline until we reached the great towers at the entrance to
the Asta. This leg of the journey took two months, and I used the time to write a book about the coastline of the east. I wrote down all I knew about the regions we passed, while Bitian Teppel made sketches of the lands we sailed past. Later I had the book printed. It is called
The Various Lands of the East as Viewed from the Sea
, and it is not only fascinating to read, but also contains some very pretty pictures. I urge you to find a copy and buy it, no matter what it may cost, for it is a book every refined and knowledgeable person should own.