The Truth About Love (2 page)

When I woke at four in the morning, I decided to sneak out.  The only light in the room was the lava lamp, still it helped me locate all my clothes.  I snuck into the master bath to get dressed.  Then I kissed him gently on the lips before I exited the room.  He didn’t even stir.  I managed to leave without running into his roommates or any neighbors.  I walk of shamed it back to my house down the road.  Once there I showered, and studied my passion bruised body, each new mark bringing a fresh smile to my face. 

Hours later, I received my first text message at work.

Shane: You left without saying goodbye!

Me: Not true.  You just slept through it.

Shane: Haha! Can I see you tonight?

Me: You can see me every night.

This was how we began.  Within a week, he had asked me to be his girlfriend.  “I don’t want you seeing anyone but me.  And I don’t want to see anyone but you.”  His words were so simple, yet heartfelt, so honest and transparent.  How could I decline?

“Okay.”

We kissed on it.  There were so many kisses, I lost count.

A month later, when we went to go pick up a pizza and wings from our favorite place,
Don’t Blink
by Kenny Chesney came on the radio.  “I love you.” Shane blurted out.  Then, as if his words shocked him, he looked away.

“Hey!”  I grabbed his chin and forced him to face me.  When he did, his cheeks were pink with shame.  “I love you too.”  As I spoke, I felt them to the core of my being.  Never had I meant them more.

We were building something special with a strong foundation of honesty and trust.  I’d never had that and according to him, neither had he.  Still, it didn’t come without its fair share of challenges.  Over time, the pressures wore on him.  Shoot, one night he even broke it off while we were at a Panther football night game with another couple. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” he complained.  “I live in constant fear of disappointing you.  It’s too much.”

“Can’t we talk after we get home?”  I begged.

“Sure.”  He said the right thing, but his eyes were empty, completely devoid of emotion and he could barely meet my pleading gaze.

Before the end of the second quarter, we all split up to grab some food.  “Nina and I are going to get pretzels and hot dogs!”  Autumn announced.

“We’ll get more beer,” her boyfriend, James exclaimed. 

We had just arrived at the vendor when I felt it.  He was leaving.  I grabbed Autumn’s coat.  “He’s going home without me!”

“No, he’s getting a beer.”  She tried to reassure me, but it was no use.  Minutes later James arrived alone, holding two beers. 

“Where’s Shane?”  Autumn questioned.

“Oh, he told me he was heading out.”  James shrugged.

My vision grew hazy as my eyes filled.  My cheeks were on fire.  “I’ve got to go.”  Without giving them an opportunity to stop me, I rushed toward the ramp that would take me out of the stadium. 

Though I don’t jog, or exercise in any way, I suddenly found this stamina I never would’ve believed possible.  The people were a blur as I ran past.  I flew out of the stadium and focused on getting back to the light rail station.  Occasionally, I swiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks.  Mostly, I focused on breathing and sending the periodic text message.

Me: Wait for me!

Me: I’m on my way.

Me: Don’t get on the train without me.

Shane never responded.  So I just kept running.  Finally I reached the stairs to bring me to the platform and rushed to the top.  There were few people waiting for the train.  Convinced I’d missed him, I sent one last email.

Me: Wait for me and I’ll drive you home.

Then I sent it.  I stared at my phone screen, willing him to respond.  Instead, seconds later I heard a familiar chime about ten feet from me.  Whipping around, I realized he was right there.  I marched over to him, still slightly out of breath.  “Really?”  The frustration was evident in my voice.

“You know…you’re really fast.”  He wore a surprised look on his face.

“You know…you’re really a jerk to not respond.”  I turned away.

Soon, he had grabbed my shoulder and forced me to face him, just as the train pulled in.  Releasing me, we walked through the open doors together.  The rest of the car was empty, which is precisely what I needed.  Although, in all honesty, I wouldn’t have cared if we’d had an audience.

“You know what?  I have no regrets, Shane.  From the moment I’ve known you, I’ve loved you the best that I could with all that I am.”  I took a deep breath and moved from the seat to squat on the floor in between his feet, giving him no choice but to look at me.  “I’ll walk away from this knowing I gave it my all.  I held nothing back.  Can you say that?”

His head was in his hands.  “No,” he mumbled.  Finally, when he looked at me, I could see the panic in his eyes.  “I’m scared,” he admitted.

“You should be.”  I nodded.  “Love is some scary shit.”  I took his hands in mine.  “Love means giving your life to another person, showing them your underbelly, handing them the knife, and praying they don’t use it on you.”  My legs were killing me, so I moved to sit beside him once more.  “I’ll never hurt you.  Promise.”

His face clouded over.  “I don’t know.”

Swallowing a few times, I started to cave.  “Okay.  Well, when we get back to your house, I’ll pack my stuff.”  Through the months, I’d managed to sneak in a few necessities like my favorite toiletries, some cooking utensils, since he didn’t own anything other than a spatula, that sort of thing.

Shane didn’t respond. 

When the train came to a stop at our station, I finally released his hand.  We exited the train and walked toward my car on the parking deck.  Before I could get in, he had me in a bear hug, clinging to me for dear life.  I let him.  He was drowning in emotion.  I could feel it, just like I could always feel him.

Finally, he walked me to my side of the vehicle, opened the door and tucked me inside.  Then he walked around to the passenger side and climbed in.  We drove back to his house in silence.  Once inside, I waited for him to say something…anything.  When he sat sullen and silent on the love seat, I decided to make good on my promise to empty the home of all things Nina.  Slowly, I gathered a pile on the coffee table, the best place on the way to the door, which also happened to be right in front of him. 

With everything packed up, I inhaled to calm my nerves and keep from crying.  “Okay, well, I’m gonna get out of here.”  Then as I bent to pick up the first bag, he stopped me.

“Wait.”  He spoke quietly, hesitantly.  “I need more time.  I’m not used to this.  I’m not ready.”

Staring at him, I studied his face.  “What does that even mean?”

Shane stood and walked over to me.  With one finger, he lifted my chin, leaned close and kissed me.  It started hesitantly, as though he were testing to see what he felt.  Obviously, he discovered the same sparks I always felt between us.  His eyes widened in surprise.  “More,” he murmured against my lips.  His kisses became more passionate, his hands roamed over my back, until he had drawn me as close as humanly possible and his erection was pressed against my pelvis. 

His phone rang, but he sent it to voice mail.  Seconds later mine did the same thing.  “Autumn?”  I questioned.

He sighed.  “James.”  Shaking his head, a text came through.  “It looks like I have to pick him up at one of the stations.”

A chime alerted me to Autumn’s text.  “I have to pick her up.  I don’t suppose at the same station?”

“Arrowood?”

I shook my head.  “Nope.  South Boulevard.”

Frowning, Shane complained, “We didn’t get to finish.”

“Still want to break up?”  It was a valid question.

“Yeah,” he murmured weakly.

I shrugged.  “Then we’re finished.”  Picking up the bags, I walked to the door, realizing he was close behind me. 

As I loaded the bags in my back seat, he locked the house.  When I turned to open the driver’s door, he stood there sadly, inches away from me.  “What?”  I felt exasperated.  Though I imagined this big future for us, he didn’t see it and at the moment, I was too tired to fight for it. 

“I don’t know!”  He seemed equally upset.  Shane laid a hand on my shoulder as I sat in the seat.  “I guess I don’t believe it’s the end.”

Swallowing hard, I admitted, “Me either.”  He stood there, didn’t move, wouldn’t release me.  “Babe, you’ve gotta let me go.”

“I don’t think I can.”  He choked the words out.

I sighed.  “You made your choice.”

He recoiled and nodded.  His hand dropped to his side.  As soon as he backed up a step, I started the vehicle and drove off.  Surprisingly enough, this time, there were no tears.  Maybe it was because of what he’d said.  It didn’t feel like the end to me either.

The drive to the station went quickly given there was little traffic this time of night.  When I pulled up, Autumn was standing there chain smoking.  When we made eye contact, she stomped out her cigarette and hopped in the passenger seat.  “Hola, chica!”  She seemed in remarkably good spirits given the catastrophic evening we’d had.

“Hola.”  My voice sounded flat.

She glanced at me sideways.  “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m still hungry.  Let’s go eat.”

I had to give her credit.  She knew how to help me through a tough time.  “Where to?” 

In the end, we drove to a bar near the house.  Though she claimed to be hungry, as soon as we made it past the bouncer, Autumn ordered a drink.  Me, I ordered chicken wings.  Before the food had even arrived, however, I grabbed her arm.  Whirling to look at me, she asked, “What?”

My heart raced and the air was caught in my lungs.  “He’s here.” 

“Where?”  She looked about the room.  “Wait.  How would you know?  Your back has been to the door the entire time.”

Grabbing her upper arms, I smiled.  “I can feel him.”  It seemed impossible to explain.  All I knew was for as long as we’d been together, I could always sense his presence.  I could pick him out of a crowd instantly.  When he even turned onto our street, I’d know he was near.  This time was no different.  I moved, placing my back to the bar, and in half a second, I made eye contact with him.  Though I wanted to rush to him, I waited.  He’d have to make the move.  He was the one who ended things.

Instead, a tall, built guy came over.  “What’re you drinking?  Next round’s on me.”

“Oh, I’m not drinking.  I’m driving.”  I pointed to the Coke on the counter. 

He grinned.  “Not anymore.  So pick your poison.”  He looked me up and down.  “Cosmo?”  He guessed.

Laughing, I made a face.  “Never.”

Suddenly, a hand snaked around my waist and drew me close.  I didn’t even have to look.  I knew it was Shane even before he planted the kiss on my neck.

“Hey, babe.”  He greeted me loudly.  “Joel.”  Shane nodded at the guy who had been trying to pick me up.

“You two know each other?”  My brows quirked in surprise. 

Joel tugged at his chin.  “I was just thinking the same thing about the two of you.”  He eyed Shane suspiciously.  “Sorry, brother.  I’ll see you later.”

Once he’d walked away, I waited for Shane to release me, but it never happened.  Peeking up at him, I feared the look I’d see on his face.  Sure enough, he was scowling.  “What?”  I grumbled.  “I didn’t do anything.”

“You should’ve gone home.”  He turned my body to face him then planted his hands on my hips.

“I was hungry,” I complained. 

Leaning low, he spoke sternly.  “You could eat at home.”

Angrily, I crossed my arms over my chest.  “I shouldn’t have to.  And, as I recall, you’re not the boss of me.  We broke up, remember?”  My chin jutted out in defiance.

Shane’s head tipped back and he let out a laugh.  I softened some.  When he looked at me again, his eyes sparkled.  “Have you thought about tonight?  Because I can’t stop thinking about it.”  He wore a lopsided grin.  “I can’t get away from you!  When you’re around, I can’t stay away from you either.”  He shook his head as if in disbelief.  “You somehow made it to the station before I did, even on those little stumpy legs.”  He loved teasing me about my diminutive height. 

“I can be fast when I need to be.”  I looked up at him shyly through my equally stumpy eyelashes.

Chuckling more, he continued.  “At my house, I watched you pack, but I couldn’t let you go.”

My head tilted to the side in confusion.  “What do you mean?  I left.”

“Right.  My head kept telling me to let you go, but my heart.”  He laid a hand over his chest.  “I ache without you, babe.”  He bent his head and kissed me on the lips.  This man who hated PDAs and for the longest time had refused to even hold my hand in public, was now kissing me for the entire bar to see.  When he pulled back, I felt even more confused than before.  “I told you it didn’t feel like the end.”  He growled, obviously frustrate with the situation.

My hand wrapped around his neck.  Gradually, I pulled him closer while a war waged inside him.  As I hoped, we were soon kissing, our lips locked, the rest of the world melting away.  The chicken wings were completely forgotten.  What did I need food for, when being with this man filled my heart and fed my soul?  As I pulled back, he whispered against my lips.