The Truth About Love (19 page)

Our night ended up being passionate, filled with all the sex I’d been missing and more.  When the love making ended, the snuggling began. Finally, blissfully, came sleep.  It was the best night we’d had together in a long time.  As we were drifting off, Shane mumbled something I never expected to hear.

“I want another baby.”  His voice was hushed as he kissed the back of my shoulder.  “I’d still like a son.  Think we can talk about that...not tonight, but soon?”

With his arms wrapped around me, basking in the afterglow of our night, I would’ve agreed to anything.  “Umhm.”

We both fell asleep with a smile.

The afterglow didn’t last long.  In the morning, we overslept.  Of all mornings for this to happen, Kylie had a doctor appointment with her pediatrician.  While it meant we only had to travel fifteen instead of half an hour or more, I soon realized we were never going to make it on time without help.

Seeking out Shane, I found him in the study watching a video to teach him how to play the guitar.  He had found a new hobby.  Of course, since he didn’t own a guitar, it seemed like he could stop to help with Kylie while I threw on some clothes and did my hair and make-up.
  “
Can you dress Kylie?  I have her clothes out on the coffee table.”   I was already out of breath from rushing around.

Shane looked at me...and sighed.  I think some part of me had been waiting for this, the response he always made in the past.  Still, when he was trying so hard to convince me he was this changed man, it didn’t sit well.

I snapped.  “Did you just
sigh
at me?  I’m running around while you sit on your ass.  Thanks.”

Then I stomped off.  I had too much to accomplish to waste time fighting.  Soon he had Kylie in his arms and was walking to the bedroom.
  “
Okay, Kylie, time to get dressed.”  He mumbled as he laid her on the bed.

I leaned out of the bathroom to talk to him.  “Her clothes are in the living room.  I told you that already.”

“Oh.  I didn’t hear that part.  Why are you still mad?”  He stopped what he was doing to glare at me and bite on his finger.

At the moment, he didn’t get to be angrier than me.  I walked over to him and placed my hands on my hips.  “Seriously?  I ask you for two minutes worth of help and I get attitude.  I don’t need that.  And if this is how you’re going to act every time I ask you to contribute, then I don’t need you!”

He stood there stunned for a moment.
  “
So, you want me to pack up and leave?”  He stormed past me to his closet.

I whirled around.  “No!  I want you to help me out once in a while.  I want us to be a team again.  I’m tired of doing everything.  If we’re a team, I shouldn’t have to!”
  Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed, but dammit, sometimes I get to be md too. 

Seconds later, his finger was in his mouth and as hard as he bit it, I’m surprised it didn’t bleed.  He stormed out of the room, down the hall.  I could hear the door to the garage open and slam shut behind him.  Apparently, he had decided to run to the man cave to escape me.  At the moment I didn’t care.  Kylie laid on the bed, eyes wide with surprise, waiting for my reassurance.  My shoulders heaved as I looked in the mirror.  Grabbing a pony tail holder off the counter, I pulled my hair together at the nape of my neck, wrapped it, and decided to call it a day.  Nobody really looked at me anymore anyway.  Who cared about makeup?  I had a baby to dress.

“Sweet girl,” I murmured against her temple as I picked her up and cuddled her close.  “Let’s get you dressed.” 

I slid my feet into some waiting ballerina flats and we went out to the great room where her clothes sat piled on the coffee table.  As I dressed her, I could hear Shane grumbling to himself in the garage. 

“I never get a moment to myself!”  Then there was the sound of plastic scraping against the floor.  He must have kicked at one of the buckets near the utility closet.  “Every minute of my day is about everyone else.  There’s nothing for me.” 

My blood boiled.  His ramblings were so full of shit.  I wanted to snap on him, but then I’d be no better than he was and I’d make the situation so much worse.  So I concentrated on breathing evenly and smiling at the cherub face before me.  It was time to leave for the doctor.  When I returned I’d assess the damage, and then I’d know whether or not it was time to give up on our life.

The appointment ran late.  What should’ve taken an hour at most had taken nearly an hour and a half.  By the time Kylie and I returned, two hours had passed.  As soon as we walked in through the garage, I realized Shane was nowhere to be found.  Kylie fussed since she’d not only had shots, but was late having her next meal. 

“Calm down, sweets.  Mama’s gonna feed you.”  I stuck her in her bouncy seat, poured a new container of formula into the bag, hooked the tubing up to her belly, and started the feed.  While I worked, my stomach started hurting.  The all too familiar stress had returned. 

Though I kept glancing down the hall, Shane had yet to show himself.  It could only mean one thing.  He had to be napping.  This would be the first one he’d had in the weeks since he’d been home.  It didn’t bode well for us.  First talk of stopping the med, then the lack of therapy.  He’d already lost his temper earlier.

In her seat, Kylie began to drift off to sleep.  The day had kicked her little diapered butt.  Shots were always hard on her.  I covered her with her favorite blanket.  She nestled in and closed her eyes one final time.  After leaning over to kiss her, I contemplated my next move.  Life shouldn’t be this hard.

Slowly I stood and walked down the hall to the bedroom.  He’d left the door ajar.  Peeking in, I found him sprawled out on the mattress, shoes kicked off, eerily like before.  The only difference, this time his phone wasn’t in his pocket.  Apparently, it had fallen off the bed onto the floor.  I tiptoed into the room and picked it up, watching for a reaction.  When there was none, I exited, phone in hand.

The pounding in my chest was deafening as I typed in the passcode to unlock it.  Still, as the screen came to life I could hear in my head
you shouldn’t be doing this
, but my heart had to know.  I knew where to look.  He’d never covered his tracks in the past.  Why would he start now?  There in the most recent text message stream, messages from Mark Yellow, his code for Vicodin.  I swallowed hard as I read.  Apparently, Shane had been hunting pills again.  This time, he wondered what was available before placing an order.  After checking the call log, I was certain they’d met up in my absence.

I removed my flip-flops and stealthily glided down the hall to return the phone.  After a quick glance at his cargo pockets, I knew the pills wouldn’t be there.  This left the garage or the truck.  It was scary how easy it was to search, since I’d been through this so recently.  The cupboards in the garage were clean.  Pulling my keys out of my purse, I walked over to the truck and opened the driver side door.  After lifting out a prescription bottle of the meds he was supposed to be taking, which had barely been touched, I found aplastic baggy stuffed down low.  Picking it up with two fingers, I set it on the seat and photographed the pills with my phone so I could research them.  Then I returned them to their original hiding place.  Confident everything looked as it had before, I rushed back inside the house and opened my laptop.

It didn’t take long to discover Shane had Xanax and Adderall again.  Apparently, he had decided to revert back to his old ways.  I swallowed hard, forcing down the bile rushing up my throat.  Tears stung my eyes.  I couldn’t go back to the old life.  Kylie couldn’t either.  I sat hard on the couch as I considered my options.  By now, after paying all the bills for the month, my bank account should’ve been in an iron lung.  Though my name was still on the other account, I didn’t feel comfortable touching it since I hadn’t earned any of the money in it.  My options seemed so dismal. 

Shortly before nine at night, I finally had a chance to talk with Shane.  Kylie had fallen asleep after I gave her the final feed and her heart medicine.  I found him sitting on the couch in the garage with the door open.  With the light on over the pool table, it almost felt like we were on display for the neighborhood. 

“Can we talk?” I asked him quietly.

Already his face had clouded over.  I could feel his anger brewing, ready to explode.  “About what?”  He snapped.  His eyes narrowed as he stared at me.

Inhaling a deep fortifying breath, I readied myself to share the spiel I’d practiced in my head all afternoon.  “I noticed you’re sleeping more,” I began quietly.

“I’m tired.  So what?  It’s not like I have anything to do.”  He clasped his hands together and leaned forward on the couch while I stood across from him, back against the pool table.

I bit my lip for a moment.  “You slept all afternoon, through dinner, and only woke up about an hour ago.”  I spoke calmly, hoping I wouldn’t trigger his rage.

“So.” He sneered at me.

“So I thought we were going to try to be a team.  I thought you were going to help more.  Instead, it feels like you’re reverting back to your old ways.”  I shrugged. 

Standing abruptly, he crossed the space between until he was in my face.  “No, you wanted us to be a team.  You’re always trying to control me.  I’m done.”  He spat out the final words.

My body started shaking, a light tremor at first.  Soon it would be impossible to hide.  My stomach cramped inside.  Yeah, I was afraid, but not of him, really never of him.  It was the future without him, which seemed so imminent, and had me frightened.  “What’re you done with?”  I needed clarification.  There was a rushing in my ears.

“This!”  His hands gestured about.  “All of it.  You!”  He took a step back and stumbled over the big green table saw.

Slowly, I backed away toward the door to the house.  I was smarter now.  He’d never inadvertently cut me off from Kylie again.  Bending low, he picked up the offending tool and held it over his shoulder like a shot put before he launched it in my direction.  It was so unexpected, I barely dodged it.  It glanced off my arm and hit the back wall, creating a massive hole before it fell to the ground in a loud metallic screech.

“Calm down,” I urged as I backed further away.

He kept coming toward me, reaching around behind me to grab a pool cue off the wall.  “Calm down?  You want me calm!  Look what you made me do!”  He shouted angrily, his eyes flashing with hatred.  Then he swung at me, missed, and turned to start beating the stick on the slate topped table.  It soon broke and he had two sections to hurl in my direction.

I held my hands in front of me defensively, wondering how I would ever survive this if he decided to truly inflict harm on me.  “Why don’t you take some of the Xanax?”  I don’t know why I suggested it.  It was simply the first thought which came to mind.  He’d fall asleep.  Kylie and I would be safe.  We could leave or take our chances when he woke again, whichever my bank account would allow. 

“You’re spying on me?”  His voice sounded incredulous.  He dropped the sticks and started biting his finger.  His other hand formed a fist and I could see him looking about wildly as he tried to figure out what to hit.  At least he didn’t seem to want to injure me.

Slowly, I backed away like a cornered animal.  I had almost reached the door to the house when I recognized the commotion behind Shane.  Four officers were rushing up our driveway.  A couple had guns drawn.  One shouted at him.  “Put your hands up!”

Tears streamed down my cheeks and I collapsed into a squatting position as I covered face with my hands.  I was overwhelmed, feeling everything at once.  Relief this moment was over.  Fear of what was to come.  Oh so much heartbreak because clearly, my husband wasn’t any better. 

After throwing his hands in the air, Shane whirled on me.  “You called the cops on me?”  He growled.  “Again?”

Shaking my head emphatically, I stood.  “No, I didn’t.  I swear.”  I wiped away the tears.  “When would I have had time?”

His eye widened.  “You planned this.”  He started to lunge towards me as the nearest officer grabbed him and cuffed him.  “You dirty whore!  You vicious bitch!”

“It wasn’t
her
.  It was
me
!”  Lola’s voice boomed from the driveway.  She started to come closer, but one of the officers held her back. 

“Ma’am, I’m going to ask you to stay out here.”  He held one hand up.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she announced, “I’m going to go hug my friend.  If that’s suddenly a crime, then maybe you should arrest me too.”  Then she huffed and walked over to me.  Once she tugged me against her, she murmured, “You okay, honey?”

I pulled back and sniffled.  “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.”

She nodded.  “Sometimes it feels that way.”

They took our statements and drove away with Shane in the back of a patrol car.  Apparently, Lola and Evan had been outside, witnessed the whole thing.  The minute Shane had stood and started yelling, she called the police.  Since we live less than two miles from the station, there were multiple cars in the area and they rushed over.  Because of the Order of Protection in place, he was arrested and would be arraigned the next day. 

Before they drove off, I rushed to the truck and grabbed his prescription.  “He needs these,” I explained to the officer.  “If he doesn’t take these as prescribed…”  My voice trailed off for a moment.  “Well, you’ve seen what happens.”

By the time everyone was gone, it was closing in on eleven at night.  I pulled the garage door down, locked up the house, drew all the blinds, and turned off all the lights.  Then I walked into the bedroom, lifted my sleeping baby from her crib, and set her up on my side of the bed.  After changing into pajamas, I climbed under the blankets, pulled her close, and fell asleep.

I was still walking around in a bathrobe the next morning when the DA called me.  “I saw this case on the docket this morning and decided to check on you.”  The woman announced.

“Thank you,” I murmured sadly. 

“Now, just so you know, he won’t be able to live with you anymore.  He has broken the Order of Protection.  Is this the temporary or the permanent one?”  I could hear the scratching sound of her taking notes as I spoke.

“It’s temporary.  The permanent one is scheduled for next week.”  I swallowed the lump in my throat which warned of impending tears. 

She blew out a long breath.  “Okay, you’re going to need a lawyer.”  She rattled off a number.  “They are free for this kind of case. Someone will be assigned to you, unless you wanted to pay…”

“Oh, no.  Free is good.”  I tried to joke, but it sounded pathetic even to my ears.

“It looks like he has a lawyer,” she commented.

“Wait? 
He
has a lawyer?”  I sat up straighter on the couch and hugged Kylie tighter.

“Yes.  One of the best divorce lawyers in town.  Pretty pricey too.” 

There would be no stopping the tears this time.  He’d already hired a divorce attorney.  This was it.  We were through.  Words cannot express the soul sucking agony I felt in the moment.  The air evaporated in my lungs, the color drained from my face, and I felt weak.  In an instant, I was freezing cold and curled up, in a ball on the couch.  Kylie squealed, oblivious to everything going on.  It only made me cry harder.  “I have to go.”  I whispered through my tight throat and dry mouth.  “Thank you.”  Then I ended the call.  I’d lied.  I wasn’t thankful at all.  Here we were, just over a week away from Thanksgiving, and while everyone I knew had the holidays to look forward to, I had loneliness.  While my family and friends had plans to make, I had a lawyer to hire.  When others would be mailing cards and packages, I’d be sending court orders and legal paperwork between judges and attorneys.  It was too much. 

Stifling a sob, I tried to hide my feelings from Kylie.  She sat on my knee and stared at me a moment before she began to trace the tears as they trailed down my face.  Our life would never be the same again.

The next day was a flurry of activity.  I started by calling the number the DA provided.  This lawyer would handle the permanent restraining order, ensure our safety, but wouldn’t be able to do anything about divorce proceedings.  Then I called Brynn.  Since she was still on maternity leave, and hated her studio apartment, she eagerly agreed to come stay for a few days to watch Kylie.  Finally, I made the hardest phone call ever. 

“Hey!”  Grace sounded to so happy to be hearing from me.  “So how’s everything going?”

I exhaled before speaking.  “Not great.”  I admitted.  “Shane went off his meds, lost his mind, and ended up in jail.”  By now, I thought I’d be cried out, but having to admit these hard truths about my life had my eyes filling with warm salty liquid all over again.

“Oh no, Nina.”  She sighed.  “How can I help?”  I sniffled loudly.  “Let me send you some money.  I can get it to you in minutes through PayPal.”

“Okay.”  My voice cracked.  I’d always been lousy at accepting help.

“Will a thousand help?”  She sounded concerned. 

“More than you know.”  A weight lifted.  There would be food in the fridge, gas in the vehicle, and heat in the house a while longer.  “Thank you.”

Then I picked up Brynn and Max.  She had multiple bags and a portacrib to load while I secured Max in the back seat beside Kylie.  Finally we started driving away when she spoke.  “So mom called the other day.”

I cringed.  “Listen, with everything going on, I’ve only called a couple of times.  You know me.”  Frowning, I waited for her rebuttal.

“She’s out of the hospital now.  She knows something is wrong because you won’t talk to her more than a couple of minutes at a time. 
And
…”  Her words had me tensing in my seat.  “She wants us to come for Thanksgiving.”  Then she expelled a sigh.  “Whew.  Glad that’s all out.”