The Tale of the Wolf (The Kenino Wolf Series) (34 page)

‘
You needed shooting, Mr
I just went to feel them …’

‘
I did, I swear, I just ...’

‘
Shut up! Just shut up! It’s rubbish.’

‘
Wolfy I can’t believe you did that. You know how badly I wanted those rocks.’

‘
Yes, Tabatha darling, I do, which is why I hid them. Nobody could be patient, nobody wanted to wait, and we’d be in worse shit than we are now if we’d split them and spent them. Magenta Devine would definitely have killed us. This way we have two things to negotiate with; the list and the rocks. Don’t look at me like that. If I hadn’t have hid them we’d be in a right old mess. I did what I had to do. I protected us from ourselves.’

‘
You should have told me,’ she grumbled.

‘
Why? You would have spent them. You didn’t want to wait, did you? Be honest. Well? Come on.’

‘
No, but that’s not the point. You should have told me.’

‘
That
is
the point. Anyway, what you all moaning for? We still have the rocks.’

‘
True, but if you ever do something like that again …’

‘
What? Hide a load of diamonds to split with you later? Yeah, go on, what? You’ll what? Kiss me?’ She smirked.

‘
You know what I mean.’

‘
If it makes you feel any better you can have my share.’

‘
What? You serious?’

‘
I told you … I love you. Take ’em. I was just making sure you weren’t going to get greedy and make a mistake.’ She wrapped her arms round my neck and kissed me, which you’ll find is the standard response from any woman to whom you offer lots of diamonds.

‘
Yeah well, what about me?’ Curtis butted in on our tender moment.

‘
You can fuck off. You’re lucky I’m speaking to you, you diamond molester.’

‘
I told you I ...’

‘
Shut up!’

‘
Wolfy, I think it’s time,’ Muzzi announced.

They re-entered the hall. Two of the Tom Jones people were carrying a large black cauldron. The leader strode in and stood behind the altar. Bosley came strolling across and addressing Milkie said, ‘I have been asked to assist.’

‘Thank you, Initiate.’

‘Initiate?’ I said, smirking and looking at Bosley.

‘Yes because he is new to our order, he is to be addressed as an initiate,’ Milkie replied, not detecting my mirth.

I was just about to start with Bosley when the leader announced to the gathered throng.

‘
He who is to be tested, come forth.’ I stood forward. ‘Are you prepared for the Kiss of Tom?’ I nodded that I was, which was nonsense obviously. Who, in their right mind, could be prepared for any of this? ‘Then string him up.’

Two of the brethren tied my hands behind my back, while another unhooked a bungee rope from the ceiling, which was tied to the main rafter. It had two other ropes attached to it. He tied the bungee rope around my feet. ‘Hoist him into the air,’ instructed the leader.

At his command I was flipped upside down and dangled over the cauldron. It was full of thick looking gold chains. I couldn’t see the one with the black link. It was just a mesh of gold. I was going to have to dig around. Two brethren clutched hold of the ropes attached to the bungee rope to yank me up and down. Although it had sounded the easiest, this task was a tad more difficult than I’d presumed.

‘
Let the task begin.’ Drums started beating, and I was crashed head first into the cauldron of gold and then bounced back out. They were bouncing me into a metal pot. If I didn’t find the black link fast I was going to black out.

Bounce.
Again my head slammed into the metal. My eyes watered. I could hear ringing in my ears from this insanity.

Bounce.
My head slammed back in. I was creating a dent in the metal with my head.

Bounce.
My head thudded again into the cauldron.

Bounce.
Smack! I’d hit something. I went back up in the air. It was the medallion. I couldn’t see the black link in the chain. It didn’t matter I could see the medallion. That was the prize.

Bounce.
Back in the pot I slammed my teeth together. Miss! It slipped from my mouth. I had to get it quickly or I was going to collapse.

Bounce.
I missed again. A gold medallion’s slippery.

I was up above and could just see it through the tears in my eyes. I was so dizzy it looked like there were three medallions. I opened my mouth and aimed for the middle one. Crunch, my teeth clamped around the gold disc and I held on tight. I came back out the pot with the gold medallion clasped firmly in my mouth.

I heard cheering. I’d passed the first task, the Kiss of Tom. Some kiss! I was concussed. They lowered me back down and untied me.

‘
Well done,’ Milkie said, picking me up. ‘Two more to go.’

I didn’t even know where I was. The whole place was spinning.

‘
You okay, babes?’ Tabatha asked, grabbing me as I staggered about.

‘
The second task will begin in thirty minutes,’ the leader huffed, storming out.

‘
Sit down.’ Milkie passed me a chair and a glass of water.

‘
What’s wrong with you people?’ I said. ‘Gold is hard.’

‘
The Kiss of Tom can disorientate. It’s designed to emulate the real kiss from the Resplendent, which is said to cause the same effect. Just drink and try and focus.’

‘
You people are mad,’ I said, clutching at his jumpsuit.

‘
Save your strength. The second task will soon begin.’

I sat there trying to stop the throbbing in my head, drinking the water, which tasted of metal.

I looked at Bosley. ‘You’re a policeman. You can stop this.’

‘
I've resigned.’ He was laughing.

‘
You’re enjoying this.’

‘
I am a good Tomsian.’

I was just about to start, when that bastard leader walked back in followed by the brethren, who started laying the wigs down on the floor, creating the twenty-foot path of nylon chest wigs.

‘
Are you prepared for the second task?’ You have no idea how much I wanted to say ‘no’, but instead I nodded. ‘Then light the path.’ They doused the wigs in petrol and set them alight. The fire blazed along the path towards me. The wigs were blazing hot, fiery chest wigs sizzling away. I took off my boots and socks. I’d been expecting something like the hot coals scenario you see on TV. I should have known better.

It was just a twenty-foot path with three-foot flames spitting bits of fake hair into the air.

‘
Are you ready?’ The leader could see my reluctance. I nodded again. ‘Then begin the Strength of Tom!’ The drums began again.

I took a deep breath and, half-concussed with ringing in my ears, ran into the flames. Milkie’s friends had been useful; there were gaps; three, at the beginning. They hadn’t set fire to all the wigs. I grabbed a wig with each foot and, using them as temporary shoes, ran across the flames.

There was still much screaming, cursing and swearing as they caught fire halfway, but they got me to the end of the path. My trousers were on fire and the two chest wigs were seared to my feet, but I’d done it. The cheers echoed around the hall. Milkie came running up with two buckets of water and I slammed my crispy tootsies into them.

‘
You have thirty minutes!’ The leader declared, leaving the hall.

‘
You people really are crazy,’ I said, grabbing Milkie.

He helped me pull the chest wigs off my feet. It stung like hell but I felt strangely proud. I think I was getting into it.

‘
You’re doing well. Just the Love of Tom left.’ He was smiling.

‘
Well done, babes.’ Tabatha handed me my socks and boots. My head was throbbing, my eyes were watering, I had ringing in my ears and my feet were killing me. And I now had to dodge a load of knickers shot from cannons while reciting the lyrics to ‘Kiss.’

It would have been easier to let Magenta Devine get me, but I was in so deep I just had to carry on, and hope I could move well enough on my stinging feet to avoid the knickers.

‘
Here, let me help.’ Tabatha pulled some handcream out of her pocket and rubbed it into my feet.

‘
That feels good. Where’d you get that from?’

‘
My pocket. I’m a woman. We carry cream.’

She slipped my socks and boots back on my feet and I stood up gingerly. I could barely walk. Everywhere hurt now. The brethren swept away the charred remains of the chest wigs and mopped down the floor. They were very tidy nutters!

In what felt like ten rather than thirty minutes the leader walked back in again followed by the rest of the loony squad.

‘
It is time for the final task: the Love of Tom.’ He was raging. He knew if I passed this one he was out, and was determined to make me fail. His future relied on my ability to dodge pairs of knickers. I was expecting cheating.

‘
Are you prepared for your final task?’ There was pure hatred in his voice.

I nodded. It was just knickers and karaoke; I had this one in the bag. ‘Then stand upon the altar and prepare for the Love of Tom.’ Three large black cannons were wheeled in and I climbed on to the altar. One of the brethren bought in a large brown crate and placed it next to the leader. He smiled. He was up to something.

‘
Are you ready?’

‘
Yes.’ I smiled stupidly back.

‘
Then let us begin.’ The music started and I started dodging and miming to ‘Kiss’.

‘
You don’t have to be
…
’

He opened the crate, pulled out some knickers and put them in the cannon.

Bang!
The leader fired the cannon and a pair of frillies came flying past my head and exploded against the wall. The knickers were frozen!

Bang!
Two G-strings blasted past me. If I didn’t dodge well, I was going to be cut in half by frozen knickers.

Bang!
More knickers. He was aiming better and I had to jump those.

I was directing my bad singing at Tabatha, while he was directing the knickers at my head. The knickers were flying thick and fast.

Bang!
I ducked a pair of big knickers that could have decapitated me.

Bang bang bang!
I was dodging like a super star, left, right, left.

I was truly brilliant. No bollocks. ‘Pop straight out the air’ had nothing on this.

Bang bang bang!
More dodging. I was starting to take the piss. The leader was going crazy.
Bang bang bang!
The crowd was singing now. Tabatha and Curtis were dancing. Even Muzzi and Bosley were getting into it. Final Chorus.

Bang bang bang!
I could win gold at the Olympics if knicker-dodging was a sport.