The Tale of the Wolf (The Kenino Wolf Series) (33 page)

One of them stepped forward. ‘I am Tom Jones! Are you the Deliverer?’ He was the leader, I could tell; bigger medallion. I realised then that we’d come to overthrow him, remove him from power. He was going to be trouble.

‘
Yes, I am the Deliverer,’ I announced as seriously as I could, holding the box aloft with the lid open to reveal Little Tom Jones, who instantly started singing. Curtis started sniggering behind me. He so needed a smack.

The crowd gasped, and bar about five, who stayed standing, they started the kneeling and bowing craziness. The leader didn’t flinch. He knew the prophecy was nonsense, and wasn’t going to give up his crown easily.

‘
How do we know you’re the Deliverer? How do we know you’re not a Jonesian, come here to destroy us?’

At the word ‘Jonesian’ the crowd stopped bowing and scraping and jumped back to their feet.

‘
I’m no Jonesian!’ I proclaimed as seriously as I could. ‘The Jonesians are my enemy.’ Which was true … Colin was.

‘
That’s what a Jonesian would say,’ the leader sneered back.

‘
Why would I have this if I was not the Deliverer?’ I asked, waving little Tom Jones at the crowd. They gasped and started bowing again.

‘
You may have stolen it from the true Deliverer, in order to destroy our Tomsian order.’

‘
But how would he know to come here with it?’ One of the crowd leapt forward. It was Milkie … had to be. He was a middle-aged white guy with the obligatory jumpsuit, and was looking at the box with less awe than the others, and looking at the cat with familiarity.

‘
The Jonesians have ways, Tom Jones, wicked evil ways.’ The leader wasn’t giving up without a fight, and he was directing his sneer at our defender now.

‘
Is everybody called Tom Jones?’ Tabatha whispered.

‘
Looks like it,’ I replied. ‘I am the Deliverer. I am no Jonesian. I have come to fulfil the prophecy.’ I was getting into this madness and actually sounded convincing that time.

‘
That must be proved,’ the leader said. ‘You must prove you are the Deliverer by undertaking the three Tasks of Tom.’ Curtis was holding down the laughter so hard I thought his chest was going to pop.

‘
As you wish,’ I said with a confidence that I shouldn’t have had because I didn’t know what they were. The leader looked worried by my response. He wasn’t expecting me to be so confident, but then
front
is my speciality.

‘
Um … ah … Tom Jones prepare the tasks,’ he flustered. They all stepped forward. ‘Stop! Not
all
of you. You Tom Jones and you Tom Jones, he said pointing at two. The rest of you prepare for mass.’

They were really all called Tom Jones, and it was obviously a frustrating experience for the leader. Maybe the new order I was about to create would change that, allow a middle letter or something to make it easier. ‘Wait here while we prepare the tasks,’ the leader commanded. With that he went back out along with the rest, leaving us alone in the big room once more.

‘
Do you know what the tasks are?’ Tabatha asked, once she knew we were alone.

‘
No idea.’

‘
So what was with the “as you wish?”’

‘
What else was I supposed to say? We need the list. Hold on Tabs someone’s coming.’ The door next to the altar opened and our defender came in. He was alone.

‘
Greetings, Deliverer. I will assist you in the coming tasks.’ His eyes were alternating between the cat and the box.

‘
You Milkie?’

‘
I am Tom Jones.’

‘
Ain’t you all. Now, are you Kevin Milkie or not?’

‘
Yes,’ he mumbled.

‘
Thank god for that! Where’s the list?’

‘
What list and where’s Nikos? He was meant to be the Deliverer. And is that Cholera?’

‘
He’s dead. Now where’s the list, and yes, that's your mum’s cat.’ His eyes popped out of his sockets.

‘
Dead? How?’

‘
He was killed to find you. Bad people want that list, and they’re coming here to get it. Now where is it?’

‘
I don’t know what you mean.’

‘
Look, stop fucking about. Kruchenko's coming. He's been hunting you. He thinks you've got Magenta Devine's
Black List.’

‘
You must mean the thumb drive.’ He scanned the room.

‘
Talk, Milkie, and explain what’s going on. What thumb drive?’

He scanned the room again.

‘
Before I was redeemed I was an accountant for a very bad man named Nikita Kruchenko, a very dangerous and scary man. But I was rescued by the music of Tom Jones. I discovered the light and I left him. I took that box you hold in your hands and left to dedicate myself to the worship of Tom. I had no plan for the box, I just liked it, thought it looked good. It had sat on a shelf in his office for years, unused, and I never thought he would miss it.’

While I was in London preaching I met Nikos (Longy) and when I explained our order’s plight, he agreed to help. Our leader has lost his way, fallen from the light, but would never relinquish his position. So some fellow members and I conspired to create the Prophecy. Nikos was to be our Deliverer, to free us from the tyranny of our leader. I used the box and placed the statue of the Resplendent inside, and told him to come here and pronounce me leader. But we waited and waited, and he never showed. I understand why now. He was a good man.’ We nodded in compliance.

‘
So what was in the box?’

‘
While I was preparing the box, lining it with silk to hold the Resplendent, I discovered a small USB thumb drive. That’s what Nikita must be after.’

‘
Where’s the thumb drive now?’

‘
I hid it.’

‘
We need it.’

‘
And we need to be free. Help me become leader and I will give it to you.’

‘
Fine, I’ll pick you. Now give me the drive.’

‘
It’s not that easy. Our leader suspects you are not the true Deliverer and before he will allow you to choose, you must pass the Tasks of Tom.’

‘
We don’t really have time for this. Nikita is on his way now.’

‘
That’s as may be, but he can’t have it.’

‘
He won’t ask nicely.’

‘
I am willing to die to free my order. Nothing and no one is going to stop me.’ He was deadly serious. ‘Now if you help me I will give it to you. If you don’t, you shall never find it. No one will.’

Fanatics are a difficult bunch to deal with. What choice did I have?

‘
Fine! What are these Tasks of Tom?’

‘
The first task is the Kiss of Tom: You must hang upside down from the ceiling and select with your teeth the medallion from the vat of chains.’

‘
What?’

‘
A large cauldron will be placed in the centre of the room in it will be various gold chains, but only one has a medallion on it the rest are fake. You must select the correct chain. All of this you must do while suspended upside down.’ All of this was pronounced with a deadly seriousness.

‘
How will I know which is the right chain?’

‘
One of my friends is preparing the vat. Look for the chain with the black link. It will be the correct one.’

‘
What’s the next one?’

‘
The second task is the Strength of Tom.’

‘
Go on. Let’s hear this one.’ I wanted to walk off already.

‘
In the Strength of Tom, a path twenty feet long in the Great Hall will be created with nylon chest wigs. These will be set on fire. You must walk across the path from one end to the other, barefoot. If you survive, you will have passed the Strength of Tom.’

‘
Are you joking?’

‘
These are the Tasks of Tom, but do not fear, my friends are preparing the path. They will create gaps between the wigs which you can stand on, but you must still move fast, as the gaps will disappear as the heat intensifies.’

‘
So, if I survive the burning wigs then what?’ Curtis was sniggering so hard I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel.

‘
The last task is the Love of Tom. You must stand upon the altar and recite the holy words while underwear is fired at you from cannons. If even one pair touches you, you will have failed.’

‘
I need to go outside.’ Curtis was holding his side.

‘
Shut up!’

‘
What holy words and what do you mean cannons?’

‘
The holy words.’ He indicated the lyrics of ‘Kiss’ that were written on the wall. ‘The cannons are filled with ladies’ underwear. My brethren will shoot these at you while you recite the holy words along with the Resplendent’s voice. My friends will, alas, not be in charge of shooting at you. So for this task you are alone. Pass this and you will have proved yourself and then you can pick me and I will deliver my people.’

‘
And you’ll give me the thumb drive?’

‘
Of course. I will honour our agreement.’

‘
You better.’

‘
I swear it upon the love of the Resplendent.’

‘
I really need to go outside.’

‘
Shut up Curt!’

‘
But I’m in pain.’

‘
Good! What has any of this got to do with Tom Jones?’

‘
As I said, our leader has lost his way. Since the great schism he has been paranoid seeing Jonesians everywhere. A few years ago there was a great argument between the brethren. There were those that believed that ‘Kiss’ had the lyrics of redemption, while there were others who believed it was ‘Delilah’. This argument became so intense that our order was broken in two, splitting off into two factions: the Tomsians, who believe in ‘Kiss’, us; and the Jonesians who believe in ‘Delilah’. We are sworn enemies, and our leader has never recovered.

‘
I really need to go outside.’ Curtis was suffering.

‘
Will you shut up!’

‘
You must prepare yourself, Deliverer. The tasks will soon begin.’

‘
I need a video camera. Somebody borrow me their phone.’ Curtis was really enjoying himself.

‘
I’m doing this to save your life. If we get the list we can give it to Magenta Devine. Or have you forgotten?’

‘
I ain’t forgotten, Wolfy. I swear … I’m grateful. I just think we need to record
the Tasks of Tom.
’

‘
Fuck off!’

‘
He’s right, babes. We’d get some serious hits on the Internet with this.’ Tabatha was laughing.

‘
You’re on his side now?’

‘
No, babes. It’s just we could make a killing here.’

‘
You both can fuck off. And if anybody thinks of recording anything, I won’t tell you where I hid the diamonds.’

‘
What?’ They both said in unison. ‘You know where they are?’ Tabatha continued.

‘
Of course! I hid them.’

‘
You bastard, Wolfy. You had me sitting round your house thinking they were stolen. Tabatha was going to shoot me.’ Curtis cut in.