The Sweetest Gift (The McKaslin Clan: Series 1 Book 2) (13 page)

“Uh, thanks.” He jammed his hands into his jeans pockets. “So, you had a long day?”

“Pretty good. It was busy at work, but I wasn’t the only practitioner on today, so I got home at a decent hour.”

“And you’re just now getting to your supper?”

“I was doing other things.” A faint blush stained her face as she pulled open the refrigerator door and withdrew a can from the bottom shelf.

Sam caught a glimpse of her perfectly clean refrigerator, every item inside neat and orderly and in place. Just like the rest of her house. And her life.

A neat, orderly, pretty life he’d never fit into. Just say it and get this over with. He didn’t want to, but he was man enough to face it.

And man enough to recognize the glow of emotion in Kirby’s gaze as she handed him the cold can. How was he going to do this while she was eating? This wasn’t the kind of pleasant conversation people had over dinner.

Her delicate brows furrowed. “Are you hungry? It will take a second to cook a burger on the grill.”

“Thanks, but I took my aunt out to pizza.”

“Ruth?” Kirby lifted her plate from the corner of the island. “How is she doing?”

“Better than I am. She taught me how to use my computer this afternoon. The one I bought and wanted to shove right back into the box about two minutes after I’d hooked it up.”

“That’s natural. Not to worry, because intense frustration is to be expected. They don’t tell you that in the instruction manual.” She glimmered like a pearl when she smiled. A soft sheen of light that was gentle. Real. True.

This was going to kill him.
Lord, if You’re listening, please show me the way. Give me the right words. So I don’t hurt her.

The last thing he’d ever want to do was to hurt Kirby.

He took the chair across from her. Sat down. Bowed his head while she said grace. Then popped the top of the aluminum can, trying to figure out how best to start.

He already knew how this was going to end. With Kirby hurt. How he was going to stand that?

H
e took a long slow drink of soda. What was he waiting for? Might as well jump right in. No sense in letting this take longer than it needed to. It had to be done. He had to explain that he didn’t want to mislead her. He wanted her to understand the way things were.

So, how did he start? “Talking with Ruth today got me to thinking. She’s the only family I have left. The only family I’m likely to have.”

Kirby sprinkled fat-free ranch dressing on her salad. “It must have been hard being away from your family, first in the military and then as a corporate pilot.”

“Yep. By that time, my mom had passed. That left my wife, and my uncle and aunt. Now just my aunt.”

“That’s why you moved here. To be near her.”

“Don’t admit that to her, though. I’d never hear the end of it. She’d be stopping by constantly to kiss me on the cheek and show me how she’s better on my computer than I’ll ever be.”

There he was, joking when he had serious business to do.

How could he do it? Kirby was so nice. So good and wonderful, everything a man could wish for. She was a dream come true.

But she couldn’t be his dream.

It was better to stop this now, before they both got hurt.

“My aunt seems to think I might get married one day.” Sam peered over the rim of his can as he took another long sip, watching Kirby’s reaction. “Ruth’s wrong, and having her talk on about me getting remarried makes me pretty uncomfortable. I’ll never do that again. Ever.”

Kirby stiffened. Her fingers tightened on the dressing bottle she held over her salad.

He hated this. He clenched his fists hard, looking at his white knuckles. “She thinks because she had a rare, happy marriage that everyone has that kind of relationship. I never told you about my wife, did I?”

Kirby put the dressing bottle down. Eyes big, she shook her head.

He could read so many emotions in those big luminous eyes of hers. Everything from surprise to a sad acceptance. What shocked him was the hard punch of emotion in his chest. He felt as if he were losing something, too, and felt the sorrow of it.

He cleared his throat and thought about leaving it at that. Maybe that had been enough for Kirby to get the idea. But he realized he had more to tell her. He owed her the truth. The whole of it.

Tenderness warred with the sadness inside him, because he really could love her.

“Remember I told you that I was captured? And two of my buddies died?”

Kirby didn’t answer. She watched him with unblinking eyes, sitting so still that she didn’t appear to be breathing.

“I was in pretty bad shape for Mark’s funeral, but I made sure they let me out of the hospital to attend. And what a blessing
and
a curse, it turned out. My wife broke down after the service. Come to find out, she’d been in love with Mark, who had married someone else. She’d never loved me. I never figured it out until that moment.”

“You must have been devastated.” Kirby closed her eyes, the crash flashing back to her in a quick, consuming horror. “You weren’t responsible. You survived because you did, and to blame you—that makes no sense. It’s not right. You’re a good man, Sam. If you could have saved your friends, you would have done it.”

“At any cost.” He still felt that way. “Sound familiar?”

“Oh.” She stared at the plate in front of her, her untouched food.

Well, maybe this would help her, too, in more than one way. “She’d broken places in my heart I didn’t know were there. Places that have never healed to this day.” He pushed away from the table. It hurt too much to remember. Tore at him as he headed to the door.

Finish it, Gardner. You can do it.

He took a steadying breath. Did what he had to do. “I think she was a very unhappy person inside, you know? She was never content with her faith or me or the blessings she’d been given. She always wanted something better. And she figured out pretty quick that I wasn’t better. I come with flaws and failures and sorrows. I have no heart left to give. So, now you know the truth about me, Kirby.”

“Who could be better than you, Sam?”

Kirby’s gentle words, shining with sincerity, made his eyes burn. Carla, his own wife, had never said anything so kind. So caring.

And he hungered for it. Needed it so badly.

If only he could go back in time and choose Kirby instead, to come to her with a whole heart, to be the kind of man she needed.

But a man couldn’t change his past. Or find his heart once it was lost. Who could love a man like that?

Not even Kirby, with her tenderhearted concern. With her good deeds and faithfulness and kindness.

It was better to save his pride and what remained of his dignity.

Sam couldn’t look at Kirby. She would reach out and try to comfort him, and what good would come from that? It would only make him want her more.

So he walked off her porch and out of her life.

Sam disappeared before she could call out to stop him. He’d hopped over the deck rail and circled the corner of the house before she could race after him. Did she follow him home to make sure he was all right? Or did she respect the intent of his visit?

The ringing phone distracted her. She grabbed the receiver, then recognized the number on the display. Her upset and worry over Sam evaporated as she heard the dispatch from the emergency operator. The angel flight she’d agreed to staff was on. Sarah had a bone marrow donor.

Every instinct Kirby had made her want to say, “Call the next nurse on your list.” But no, she would see this through. With Sarah. And with Sam.

By the time she’d called in her dog, locked the back door, made sure the grill was unplugged and grabbed her medical bag, Sam was backing his big pickup down his driveway and into the shadowed street.

So now you know the truth about me, Kirby.
Yes, she knew the truth about Sam Gardner, but it wasn’t what he thought. She saw a man deeply hurt. A man who didn’t think he was lovable. Or able to love.

A man who didn’t love her. He didn’t want her.

Pain leveled her. At least she’d never told him her true feelings. Embarrassed, shaken, she climbed into her car. She was in no mood for music, so she turned off the radio.

What Sam had said tonight proved he suspected how she was feeling.

She still had her pride. That was something. As much as she wanted to give in to the pain of her disappointment, the pain she felt on Sam’s behalf was greater.

She carried around more guilt and sorrow than she could face over a past she could not change. But Sam seemed to be hurting even more. How deep did his wounds go? Would they ever heal?

She’d lost her dreams. Secret ones she’d never even realized she had until now. What his proposal would be like. What ring he would buy her. How it would feel to walk down the church aisle and see him waiting at the altar to make her his wife.

Troubled, she worried as she drove. How was she going to face him tonight, or ever again, and keep her heart from breaking even more?

Sarah needed her, and there was no way Kirby could hide in the car all night. She turned off the sedan’s headlights, pocketed her car keys and grabbed her medical bag from the back seat. Her chest felt heavy, and it was hard to breathe as she headed toward Sam’s helicopter.

How had she been so wrong? She’d been sure he loved her. Certain of his caring for her.

Luckily he was busy with his preflight check and, with his back to her, didn’t see her as she climbed on board.

All she had to do was be professional. After all, she and Sam volunteered together. They were neighbors. So, she’d fallen in love with him. Well, she’d fall right back out. They would never again be friends, but they could be friendly.

Sam popped in through the side door, slammed it tight into place and locked it. Simply seeing him made pain rip through the center of her chest.

She was only lying to herself. Friendly?

She still loved him. She filled up from the bottom of her soul to the top of her heart from simply being near him.

What was she going to do? There was no future, she knew. There would be no dating and no proposing. No wedding and no happily-ever-after.
That’s
what he’d told her tonight, in his own way.

He didn’t want her enough. He didn’t want to risk loving anyone again.

Sam stared at his clipboard, talking to her as if she were a stranger. “The doc is hiking south of Glacier. They got him on his cell and he’s driving in to the local airstrip. We’ll pick up him first, then head east for the girl.”

Kirby nodded. Sam looked miserable. His eyes were shadowed and sad.

There was no spirit to him as he studied the clipboard so he didn’t have to look at her. “They’re tracking a storm just west of us. I’m going to try to swing around it, but it’s supposed to be a slow mover. I might catch a little turbulence, so make sure you stay belted in.”

“Fine.” Was this how it was going to be between them? Strained? As if strangers?

Suddenly Kirby realized the risk she’d taken and knew she was feeling the price of it. Gone was the companionship she’d felt with Sam. The easygoing connection that had sparked between them, like the stars in a night sky, crisp and pure and inspiring.

But she’d lost more than his valuable friendship. She’d lost the love of her life. She’d never felt this way about any man. She knew, beyond a doubt, she never would again. Sam was special. He matched something in her soul, and she couldn’t say what it was or how it was. It just was.

The
whop-whop
of the blades had her gripping her seat. The rotors whined, the ground gave way and the helicopter shot up into the sky. It was a queasy feeling, to know only thin strips of metal were keeping her safely up in the sky.

Sam was a good pilot, and she trusted him.

She trusted him with her life.

The flight would take a while, so Kirby pulled a book from her bag. She turned the paperback to the dog-eared page and read in the glow off the running lights.

But the words were meaningless. She really didn’t feel like reading. Not with her mind spinning and her heart aching with Sam’s words.
My aunt seems to think I might get married one day. I’ll never do that again. Ever.

Surely there was a chance. There was always a chance. Maybe if—

She caught herself. Couldn’t believe she was thinking this way. Sam had made it clear. He didn’t want to marry her.

There was no way to fix this. No way to heal this. For once she had to accept something the way it was, not try to take responsibility for it and make it right.

Sam didn’t feel the same way about her. It was that simple. And he was telling her how his wife had married him without really loving him, and the disaster that had brought them both.

No, marriage was a serious and sacred commitment. One to be taken with care.

Sam wasn’t going to fall in love with her.

And she had to let her love for him go.

The cabin swayed. Like a yo-yo on a string, back and forth. Her stomach lurched, but she’d be okay. She knew Sam could handle any turbulence. She wasn’t worried about him, but then she did remember the accident. The sensation of falling out of the sky—

Don’t think about it. She squeezed her eyes shut along with those old memories.

Then light burned behind her eyelids. The sky rocked with thunder. It’s only a bad storm, she thought, but she put her book away and held on to her seat with both hands. They were safe. They were fine. The Lord would keep them safe.

Lightning flashed, thunder rattled like breaking metal. Kirby bowed her head and started to pray, in case Sam could use a little help. She didn’t want anything to go wrong. There was a child in need of a bone marrow transplant, and she was depending on them for her life.

The helicopter dipped hard to the right as Sam banked, and they bounced and swayed in the angry wind.

“Guess that storm is moving faster than those weathermen predicted,” he said. “Hold on, it’s gonna get rough,” he called out. “Don’t you worry. This kind of flying is fun for me.”

“Fun?” It was a comfort to know he hadn’t lost his sense of humor. She was grateful for the seat harness pinning her into the seat as the entire helicopter rose and fell like a child’s top. The crash had been like this, the same wild sweeps of movement, the falling…

Please see us through this, Father,
she prayed. She forced the memories down, blocking out the blood and death and flames. She gripped the seat more tightly.

Sam’s a good pilot. He’ll keep us safe. The certainty of that thought calmed her even as lightning electrified the night and burned her eyes.

She could vaguely hear Sam muttering to his controls on the other side of the metal panel, talking to his helicopter as if that would make a difference. She couldn’t see him, but she knew he was calm. She could hear it in his voice as he handled the situation with his usual unflappable strength.

What was it that Sam had said?
Maybe God makes sure that when things go wrong there are faithful and merciful people in our lives who can make tragedies bearable.

She wasn’t alone, she realized, and she never had been. Not that afternoon when she’d been laughing with her sister one minute and pummeling toward the earth the next. Not after, when she’d woken to feel her sister’s arms around her, her older sister who’d covered her with her body before impact. And saved her life. She wasn’t alone in the wreckage as she’d tried to save lives with no medical supplies, no bandages, no help and not enough training.

She hadn’t been alone in the hospital afterward or through the years that followed. She had her family, her friends, her church, her community. She had Sam.

And she had the Lord.

Who did Sam have? Ruth. His only living relative. He’d come to Montana from a life of impermanence to put down roots. To find community and comfort.

That’s why she’d been brought into his life, she realized. And why he was in hers. Life was a hard journey—it was the way life was. There could not be day without night, light without darkness, happiness without pain, peace without trial.