The Surrogate (49 page)

“
Yes...Nikolas, you said it would hurt you. I don’t want that. Not any more. We’ve done too much to you.”

Nikolas grimaced, moved back a little. “It’ll hurt anyway—if I don’t help, then I have to watch you two suffer. If I do, I have to know I can never be a part of your lives.
But
—I would at least know I’d helped. And it might be fun,” he added brightly.

Jaime wasn’t fooled. “It’s time to think of your welfare for a change. No—I can’t allow it. We’ll find another way.”

“
I made the offer freely, Jaime. It
would
mean a lot to me if you two could get past this. I want to stay a friend at the very least.” He patted Jaime’s head. “There’s no hurry. No hurry at all. I won’t leave until you ask me to. Or he does.”

“
He won’t. He needs you more than he needs me.”

“
If you believe that, you’re a damn fool,” Nikolas said with a distinctly old-fashioned look. “I know you’re not a fool, so stop talking shit.”

Jaime was taken aback by the bluntness, but Nikolas kept looking at him with a reproving expression, until he accepted the truth of the rebuke. He
was
a fool.

Nikolas knew exactly when he realised this. “And don’t forget it,” he said. He stood up, nudging Jaime aside. “The pump’s good enough for me to wash with. What about you?”

Cold pump water sounded just fine. There was an old cloth and a small bit of soap Seve kept in the garden for cleanups, and that was what they used, stripping off to the waist—and then to nakedness because they both decided they were sweaty enough to need it. Jaime insisted on washing Nikolas, to his friend’s amusement—Seve, now bare-chested, walked back out into the garden as Nikolas was returning the favour. He raised an eyebrow at the sight before him. Nikolas, unabashed, continued washing Jaime down.

“
Can’t leave you two alone for a minute, can I?” Seve said, but he was smiling and relaxed and more than anything else, that showed Jaime how far he had come.

It was hot enough that air drying was comfortable, so the two of them sat on the bench, still naked, while the late evening air brushed deliciously across their damp bodies. Seve sat on the grass in front of them—and then, rather suddenly and to Jaime’s surprise, stood again, quickly stripped off, and sat back down, using his trousers as a cushion.

“
Would you like me to leave you two alone?” Nikolas asked. Jaime noticed he was sitting in such a way as to be relatively modest—some feat when he was nude. He was also pointedly not looking at Seve.

“
Seve?”

“
No.” There was some strain in his lover’s voice, though he was trying to smile. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you both before.”

“
And it’s cooler,” Nikolas said lightly. “The view’s handsome too.”

Seve flushed a little, but he smiled. “I’ve got the best of it.”

Jaime glanced at Nikolas, who was giving nothing away. He bit his lip—Nikolas was too careful of them to push it, and Seve too worried about Jaime’s jealousy. For which Jaime only had himself to blame of course, but it meant that he was the only one who could initiate this. He had to take this risk, because the others would not.

He reached across and took Nikolas’ hand, resting in his lap and providing a little modest cover, into his own—tugged, and drew his friend closer. Nikolas, puzzled, came over to him. Jaime cupped the back of his head, and very firmly, with no room for argument or misinterpretation, kissed him on the lips, tasting the beer and the apples they’d had for their supper, the warm, healthy taste of a handsome, kind man. Seve didn’t make a sound—Jaime almost didn’t dare look, but when he did, Seve was just watching. Waiting, Jaime guessed, to see what he was up to. Nikolas’ eyes were wide, speculative. “Go and kiss him,” Jaime whispered as he caressed Nikolas’ face.

Nikolas looked at him, apparently seeking confirmation that Jaime hadn’t lost his mind, then he gave a little nod, and slid off the bench to kneel in front of Seve. Seve seemed paralysed at first, glancing at Jaime and then at Nikolas, quite uncertain. But then he knelt up too, taking Nikolas’ hands in his, and leaning forward. The kiss was chaste, polite—nothing like what Jaime had witnessed the day before. But then Nikolas freed his hands, wrapped his arms around Seve, and deepened the kiss, his arms holding Seve tight against him. It lit a spark in Seve. Now there was real passion, real desire, bodies pressing tight and urgent against each other, pale, perfect skin flushed with need, hands battling to touch and be touched, as the kiss went on and on. Jealousy and lust warred within Jaime, with lust winning easily—the two blond men, so alike, so unlike, were the most beautiful sight he could conceive of, and all he could think of, was how much he wanted them.
Both
of them.

But for now, he was ignored. Nikolas’ hands still roved all over Seve’s body, caressing, stroking, exploring—cupping Seve’s tight buttocks without a word of protest from his lover. It was then Jaime knew the truth of what Nikolas had said before—if they could give Seve new memories, that would be a start on the road to healing. So he pushed jealousy away as inappropriate and unhelpful, and concentrated on enjoying the sight of Seve enjoying himself so fully, with someone who had given them so much and meant them no harm.

It looked as if he might end up watching more than a few passionate kisses, so urgent was the embrace, so enthusiastic was Seve’s response, but finally, they broke apart, panting, and looking up at him with slightly guilty—if rather kiss-reddened—expressions.

“
Um...,” Nikolas mumbled, his eyes avoiding Jaime’s. Things had gone further than he’d planned, Jaime guessed.

But there was no need for guilt, when it was his idea. He slid off the bench and knelt next to them, one arm going around Seve’s waist, the other around Nikolas’. He kissed Seve, tasting Nikolas, and then Nikolas, tasting Seve on those clever lips. “Seve—I want Nikolas to come to bed with us. I want us to make love to you, and I want you to know this is with my whole heart and approval. But if you don’t want this, then I equally approve and accept.”

Seve’s green, beautiful eyes were wide with surprise. “Jai?” he whispered. “Nikolas—is this what you want?”

“
Yes, Severin. It’s what I want. Because I want you freed from Minas, and what he did to you. Because I love you,” he said defiantly. “I love both of you, and if I can’t have you, then I can at least do this for you, have one night with you, and try to give you peace.”

Seve put his head into the crook of Nikolas’ neck, Nikolas resting his cheek on Seve’s blond hair, as he looked at Jaime. “Surely it was meant to be,” Jaime said quietly. “No one meets someone like you by chance.”

“
My gods don’t work that way, and yours don’t exist. If it’s fate, then I don’t know who’s behind it. Seve—it’s your choice. Free and entirely yours.”

Seve lifted his head, looked at Jaime, looked at Nikolas. “Yes. I’ll accept this gift and treasure it. You won’t regret it, Nikolas.”

He almost certainly would, Jaime thought, but there had been so many regrets and so few chances for happiness. Nikolas was offering this, and all they could do was make it good, and make it worth his sacrifice. And stand ready to help him, if they could, when it was done.

~~~~~~~~

Seve could feel his knees shaking as he stood. Jaime bent and collected his forgotten trousers and loincloth, then took Seve’s hand. “You two go inside, get comfortable. I’ll come to you soon,” Nikolas said. “And if you’ve changed your mind then, I’ll just go to my room.”

He was being so scrupulously fair, trying not to put the least pressure on Seve, but Seve almost wished he’d be more assertive, insist on joining them immediately. He was afraid his courage would desert him, when he
knew
this could be just what he needed—his body already thrummed with long-extinguished desires, just from Nikolas’ kiss, his skilful hands. From him
not
being inextricably tied to Minas and his cruelty. Seve felt himself a traitor to Jaime, but he simply couldn’t help his reactions—and since Jaime seemed to be counting on Seve reacting in just this way, then there seemed no reason to object. Except it surely
was
wrong.

All them still wantonly and deliciously naked, Jaime took Seve by the hand and led him back into the house. Nikolas lingered to pick up their clothes, and allow them to travel ahead of him. The bedroom was stuffy, but once the window was opened, a cool breeze blew across their bed, and their nude bodies. Seve shivered in fear, in anticipation, from just the sheer pleasure of the air on his skin. Jaime stood, looking at him, eyes revealing nothing, but his mouth soft, inviting. Seve, who’d known him all his life, could make nothing of the clues. “Are you really happy with this, Jai?”

“
For us, completely. I just worry Nikolas is disregarding his own feelings.”

Seve had a sudden memory of a weeping man, hunched up in agony in the healer’s office, and realised that Nikolas might be punishing himself in a new way. “Then we can’t do this. We really can’t.” But even as he said the words, disappointment rose thick in his throat. He
wanted
Nikolas—as he hadn’t wanted anyone in more than four years. And it was Nikolas specifically—not just any random handsome man. It was his friend, the one who cared, the one who made him safe, that Seve wanted to touch and to kiss and to....

“
Jai...can a man love two people at once?”

Jaime misunderstood, which was probably as well. “He says he can. I have no reason to disbelieve him.”

“
But...say, you...you could not.”

Jaime looked away, his hair swinging to cover one eye, as it did when he was trying to hide his thoughts. “I think...in some circumstances, I might.” He looked up. “Are you jealous of him?”

Seve shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “Worried about you. About us, and him. It was easier when I was a prisoner.”

“
But not
better
,” Jaime said firmly.

“
No, definitely not.”

Jaime laid his head on Seve’s chest and just held him.
No, definitely not better,
Seve thought, running his hand down Jaime’s back. How he had wanted this very thing, this simple act of affection.

He let himself enjoy the smell of Jaime’s damp hair, the scent of a long work day, and of Jaime himself, as familiar to him as his own. All his life, Jaime had been there. All his life, Seve had loved him. Minas had no place in his memories of his love—so he had to get rid of him. The question was—how.

He heard a discreet clearing of a male throat, and looked over Jaime’s head towards the door. Nikolas was there, with a lamp, a cloth and the jar of uten liniment—which reminded Seve he’d not given Nikolas his usual massage today, though he doubted that was what Nikolas was after. “Nikolas—I’ve changed my mind. I’m sorry.”

Nikolas just smiled. “Thought you might. Then I’ll leave you alone. Good night.”

Jaime lifted his head and looked at Seve, then turned his head. “Wait—Nikolas, what about the nightmares?”

“
I still have some of the resin, Jaime. I’ll be fine.”

“
But....” Seve bit his lip. “Would you like to sleep in here tonight?”

Nikolas shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m sure you two would sleep better alone.”

“
Jaime,” Seve whispered. “Please?”

Jaime turned around. “Nikolas—we
want
you to sleep in here.”

“
For how long, Jaime? I’ll have to get used to the dreams again—or use the drug. Sleeping with you will only delay that.”

“
Well, if you have a better offer, by all means,” Jaime snapped, then turned back to face Seve. “I tried,” he said.

Not very hard,
Seve thought with a sigh. “Nikolas—please. As a way of...making friends again.”

“
I thought that’s what the kiss in the garden was,” he said, a slight smile on his lips.

Seve held out his hand. “Please?” he said quietly.

Nikolas shrugged, then walked in, set the things in his hand down on the dresser, then took Seve’s hand. “You know I can’t refuse either of you anything. It’s unfair, Seve.”

“
He’s right,” Jaime said, stepping back a little. “It is unfair. All of this is unfair. We can’t ask this, Seve.”

Reluctantly, Seve let Nikolas’ hand go. “I’m sorry. Good night, Nikolas.”

Nikolas nodded and turned. Seve’s heart sank—he’d only been trying to...what, comfort the man with the presence of two men he could never have? Why did it all have to be so damn hard?

Why couldn’t he just say...? “I love you, Nikolas.”

“
What?” Jaime said, blinking.

“
What?” Nikolas turned on his heel, and stared at him.

“
I love you. This is stupid, us trying to pretend that we don’t care about you, when I do and Jaime does, whatever he calls it, and you do because you’ve said you do. I love you. I don’t want to pull apart why or how much, but that’s how I feel, and Jaime, if you want to turn away from me for that, then you’re a hypocrite, because you care a lot for him too. I’ve known you all your life, and I know what it’s like when you love someone.”