THE SUPERNATURAL OMNIBUS (92 page)

Washford looked at it again; he shook his bald head; the wig had certainly seen its best days; still it had about it some what of an air of faded gentility; it was 'like ancient Rome, majestic in decay,'-- and as the small ale was not to be forthcoming, why -- after all, an old wig was better thaa nothing!

Mr. Jeremiah Jarvis, of Appledore, in the Weald of Kent, was a gentleman by Act of Parliament; one of that class of gentlemen who, disdaining the bourgeois- sounding name of'attorney-at-law,' are, by a legal fiction, denominated solicitors. I say by a legal fiction, for surely the general tenor of the intimation received by such as enjoy the advantage of their correspondence has little in common with the idea usually attached to the term 'solicitation.' 'If you don't pay my bill, and costs, I'll send you to jail,' is a very energetic entreaty. There are, it is true, etymologists who derive their style and title from the Latin infinitive 'solicitare,' to 'make anxious,'-- in all probability they are right.

If this be the true etymology of his title, as it was the main end of his calling, then was Jeremiah Jarvis a worthy exemplar of the genus to which he belonged. Few persons in his time had created greater solicitude among his Majesty's lieges within the 'Weald.' He was rich, of course. The best house in the country-town is always the lawyer's, and it generally boasts a green door, stone steps, and a brass knocker. In neither of these appendages to opulence was Jeremiah deficient; but then he was so very rich; his reputed wealth, indeed, passed all the common modes of accounting for its increase. True, he was so universal a favourite that every man whose will he made was sure to leave him a legacy; that he was a sort of general assignee to all the bankruptcies within twenty miles of Appledore; was clerk to half the 'trusts;' and treasurer to most of the 'rates,' 'funds,' and 'subscriptions,' in that part of the country; that he was land-agent to Lord Mountrhino, and steward to the rich Miss Tabbytale of Smerrididdle Hall; that be had been guardian (?) to three young profligates who all ran through their property, which, somehow or another, came at last into his hands, 'at an equitable valuation.' Still his possessions were so considerable, as not to be altogether accounted for, in vulgar esteem, even by these and other honourable modes of accumulation; nor were there wanting those who conscientiously entertained a belief that a certain dark-coloured gentleman, of indifferent character, known principally by his predilection for appearing in perpetual mourning, had been through life his great friend and counsellor, and had mainly assisted in the acquirement of his revenues. That 'old Jerry Jarvis had sold himself to the devil' was, indeed, a dogma which it were heresy to doubt in Appledore;-- on this head, at least, there were few schismatics in the parish.

When the worthy 'Solicitor' next looked out of his ground. floor back, he smiled with much complacency at beholding Joe Washford again hard at work -- in his wig -- the little tail aforesaid oscillating like a pendulum in the breeze. If it be asked what could induce a gentleman, whose leading principle seems to have been self-appropriation, to make so magnificent a present, the answer is, that Mr. Jarvis might perhaps have thought an occasional act of benevolence necessary or politic; he is not the only person, who, having stolen a quantity of leather, has given away a pair of shoes, pour I'amour de Dieu,-- perhaps he had other motives.

Joe, meanwhile, worked away at the celery-bed; but truth obliges us to say, neither with the same degree of vigour or perseverance as had marked the earlier efforts of the morning. His pauses were more frequent; he rested longer on the handle of his spade; while ever and anon his eye would wander from the trench beneath him to an object not unworthy the contemplation of a natural philosopher. This was an apple-tree.

Fairer fruit never tempted Eve, or any of her daughters; the bending branches groaned beneath their luxuriant freight, and dropping to earth, seemed to ask the protecting aid of man either to support or to relieve them, The fine, rich glow of their sun-streaked clusters derived additional loveliness from the level beams of the descending day-star. An anchorite's mouth had watered at the pippins.

On the precise graft of the espalier of Eden, 'Sanchoniathon, Manetho, and Berosus' are undecided; the best-informed Talmudists, however, have, if we are to believe Dr. Pinner's German Version, pronounced it a Ribstone pippin, and a Ribstone pippin-tree it was that now attracted the optics, and discomposed the inner man of the thirsty, patient, but perspiring gardener. The heat was still oppressive; no beer had moistened his lip, though its very name, uttered as it was in the ungracious tones of a Witherspoon, had left behind a longing as intense as fruitless. His thirst seemed supernatural, when at this moment his left ear experienced 'a slight and tickling sensation,' such as we are assured is occasionally produced by an infinitesimal dose in homceopathy; a still, small voice -- it was as though a daddy long-legs were whispering in his tympanum -- a small voice seemed to say, 'Joe! -- take an apple, Joe!!'

Honest Joseph started at the suggestion; the rich crimson of his jolly nose deepened to a purple tint in the beams of the setting sun; his very forehead was incarnadine. He raised his band to scratch his ear,-- the little tortuous tail had worked its way into it,-- he pulled it out by the bit of shalloon, and allayed the itching, then cast his eye wistfully towards the mansion where his master was sitting by the open window. Joe pursed up his parched lips into an arid whistle, and with a desperate energy struck his spade once more into the celery-bed.

Alack! alack! what a piece of work is man!-- how short his triumphs! -- how frail his resolutions!

From this fine and very original moral reflection we turn reluctantly to record the sequel. The celery-bed, alluded to as the main scene of Mr. Washford's operations, was drawn in a rectilinear direction, nearly across the whole breadth of the parallelogram that comprised the 'kitchen garden.' Its northern extremity abutted to the hedge before mentioned, its southern one -- woe is me that it should have been so!-- was in fearful vicinity to the Ribstone pippin-tree. One branch, low bowed to earth, seemed ready to discharge its precious burden into the very trench. As Joseph stooped to insert the last plant with his dibble, an apple of more than ordinary beauty bobbed against his knuckles.--'He's taking snuff, Joe.' whispered the same small voice; -- tbe tail had twisted itself into its old position. 'He is sneezing!-- now, Joe!-- now!' and, ere the agitated horticulturist could recover from his surprise and alarm, the fruit was severed, and -- in his hand!

'He! he! he!' shrilly laughed, or seemed to laugh, that accursed little pigtail.-- Washford started at once to the perpendicular;-- with an enfrenzied grasp he tore the jasey from his head, and, with that in one hand, and his ill-acquired spoil in the other, he rushed distractedly from the garden!

All that night was the humble couch of the once happy gardener haunted with the most fearful visions. He was stealing apples,-- he was robbing hen-roosts,-- he was altering the chalks upon the milk-score,-- he had purloined three chemises from a hedge, and he awoke in the very act of cutting the throat of one of Squire lodge's sheep! A clammy dew stood upon his temples,-- the cold perspiration burst from every pore,-- he sprang in terror from the bed.

'Why, Joe, what ails thee, man?' cried the usually incurious Mrs. Washford; 'what be the matter with thee? Thee hast done nothing but grunt and growl all t'night long, and now thee dost stare as if thee saw summut. What bees it, Joe?'

A long-drawn sigh was her husband's only answer; his eye fell upon the bed. 'How the devil came that here?' quoth Joseph, with a sudden recoil: 'who put that thing on my pillow?'

'Why, I did, Joseph. Th'ould nightcap is in the wash, and thee didst toss and tumble so, and kick the clothes off, I thought thee mightest catch cowld, so I clapt t'wig atop o' thee head.'

And there it lay,-- the little sinister-looking tail impudently perked up, like an infernal gnomon on a Satanic dial-plate -- Larceny and Ovicide shone in every hair of it!

'The dawn was overcast, the morning lower'd

And heavily in clouds brought on the day,'

when Joseph Washford once more repaired to the scene of his daily labours; a sort of unpleasant consciousness flushed his countenance, and gave him an uneasy feeling as he opened the garden-gate; for Joe, generally speaking, was honest as the skin between his brows; his hand faltered as it pressed the latch. 'Pooh, pooh ! 'twas but an apple, after all!' said Joseph. He pushed open the wicket, and found himself beneath the tempting tree.

But vain now were all its fascinations; like fairy gold seen by the morning light, its charms had faded into very nothingness. Worlds, to say nothing of apples, which in shape resemble them, would not have bought him to stretch forth an unhallowed hand again; he went steadily to his work.

The day continued cloudy: huge drops of rain fell at intervals, stamping his bald pate with spots as big as halfpence; but Joseph worked on. As the day advanced, showers fell thick and frequent; the fresh-turned earth was itself fragrant as a bouquet.-- Joseph worked on; and when at last Jupiter Pluvius descended in all his majesty, soaking the ground into the consistency of a dingy pudding, he put on his party-coloured jacket, and strode towards his humble home, rejoicing in his renewed integrity. ''Twas but an apple, after all! Had it been an apple-pie, indeed!'--'An apple- pie!' the thought was a dangerous one -- too dangerous to dwell on. But Joseph's better Genius was at this time lord of the ascendant; -- he dismissed it, and passed on.

On arriving at his cottage, an air of bustle and confusion prevailed within, much at variance with the peaceful serenity usually observable in its economy. Mrs. Washford was in high dudgeon! her heels clattered on the red-tiled floor, and she whisked about the house like a parched pea upon a drum-head; her voice generally small and low,--'an excellent thing in woman,'-- was pitched at least an octave above its ordinary level; she was talking fast and furious. Something had evidently gone wrong. The mystery was soon explained. The 'cussed ould twoad of a cat' had got into the dairy, and licked off the cream from the only pan their single cow had filled that morning! And there she now lay, purring as in scorn. Tib, heretofore the meekest of mousers, the honestest, the least 'scaddle' of the feline race,-- a cat that one would have sworn might have been trusted with untold flsh,-- yes,-- there was no denying it,- proofs were too strong against her,-- yet there she lay, hardened in her iniquity, coolly licking her whiskers, and reposing quietly upon -- what?-- Jerry Jarvis's old wig!!

The patience of a Stoic must have yielded;-- it had been too much for the temperament of the Man of Uz. Joseph Washford lifted his hand -- that hand which had never yet been raised on Tibby, save to fondle and caress -- it now descended on her devoted head in one tremendous 'dowse.' Never was cat so astonished,-- so enraged -- all the tiger portion of her nature rose in her soul. Instead of galloping off, hissing and sputtering, with arched back, and tail erected, as any ordinary Grimalkin would unquestionably have done under similar circumstances, she paused a moment, drew back on her hauncbes,-- all her energies seemed concentrated for one prodigious spring; a demoniac fire gleamed in her green arid yellow eyeballs, as, bounding upwards, she fixed her talons firmly in each of her assailant's cheeks!-- many and many a day after were sadly visible the marks of those envenomed claws -then, dashing over his shoulder with an unearthly mew, she leaped through the open casement, and was seen no more.

'The Devil's in the cat!' was the apostrophe of Mrs. Margaret Washford. Her husband said nothing, but thrust the old wig into his pocket, and went to bathe his scratches at the pump.

Day after day, night after night, 'twas all the same -- Joe Washford's life became a burden to him; his natural upright and honest mind struggled hard against the frailty of human nature. He was ever restless and uneasy; his frank, open, manly look, that blenched not from the gaze of the spectator, was no more: a sly and sinister expression had usurped the place of it.

Mr. Jeremiah Jarvis had little of what the world calls 'Taste,' still less of Science. Ackerman would have called him a 'Snob,' and Buckland a 'Nincompoop.' Of the Horticultural Society, its fetes, its fruits, and its fiddlings, he knew nothing. Little recked he of flowers -- save cauliflowers -- in these, indeed, he was a connoisseur; to their cultivation and cookery the respective talents of Joe and Madame Witherspoon had long been dedicated; but as for a bouquet!-- Hardham's 37 was 'the only one fit for a gentleman's nose.' And yet, after all, Jerry Jarvis had a good-looking tulip-bed. A female friend of his had married a Dutch merchant; Jerry drew the settlements; the lady paid him by a cheque on 'Child's,' the gentleman by a present of a 'box of roots.' Jerry put the latter in his garden -- he had rather they had been schalots.

Not so his neighbour, Jenkinson; he was a man of'Taste' and of'Science;' be was an F.R.C.E.B.S., which, as he told the Vicar, implied, 'Fellow of the Royal Cathartico-Emetico-Botanical Society,' and his autograph in Sir John Frostyface's album stood next to that of the Emperor of all the Russias. Neighbour Jenkinson fell in love with the pips and petals of'neighbour Jarvis's tulips.' There were one or two among them of such brilliant, such surpassing beauty,-- the 'cups' so well formed,-- the colours so defined. To be sure, Mr. Jenkinson had enough in his own garden; but then 'Enough,' says the philosopher, 'always means a little more than a man has got.'-- Alas! alas! Jerry Jarvis was never known to bestow,-- his neighbour dared not offer to purchase from so wealthy a man; and, worse than all, Joe, the gardener, was incorruptible -- aye, but the Wig?

Joseph Washford was working away again in the blaze of the mid-day sun: his head looked like a copper saucepan fresh from the brazier's.

'Why, where's your wig, Joseph?' said the voice of his master from the well- known window; 'what have you done with your wig?' The question was embarrassing,-- its tail had tickled his ear till it had made it sore; Joseph had put the wig in his pocket.