The Sun and Her Flowers (3 page)

you cannot

walk in and out of me

like a revolving door

i have too many miracles

happening inside me

to be your convenient option

-
not your hobby

you took the sun with you

when you left

i remained committed

long after you were gone

i could not lift my eyes

to meet eyes with someone else

looking felt like betrayal

what excuse would i have

when you came back

and asked where my hands had been

-
loyal

when you plunged the knife into me

you also began bleeding

my wound became your wound

didn't you know

love is a double-edged knife

you will suffer the way you make me suffer

i think my body knew you would not stay

i long

for you

but you long

for someone else

i deny the one

who wants me

cause i want someone else

-
the human condition

i wonder if i am

beautiful enough for you

or if i am beautiful at all

i change what i am wearing

five times before i see you

wondering which pair of jeans will make

my body more tempting to undress

tell me

is there anything i can do

to make you think

her

she is so striking

she makes my body forget it has knees

write it in a letter and address it

to all the insecure parts of me

your voice alone drives me to tears

yours telling me i am beautiful

yours telling me i am enough

you're everywhere

except right here

and it hurts

show me a picture

i want to see the face of the woman

who made you forget the one you had at home

what day was it and

what excuse did you feed me
i used to thank the universe

for bringing you to me

did you enter her right as

i asked the almighty

to grant you all you wanted

did you find it in her

did you come crawling out of her

with what you couldn't in me

what draws you to her

tell me what you like

so i can practice

your absence is a missing limb

questions

there is a list of questions

i want to ask but never will

there is a list of questions

i go through in my head

every time i'm alone

and my mind can't stop itself from searching for you

there is a list of questions i want to ask
so if you're listening somewhere

here i am asking them

what do you think happens

to the love that's left behind

when two lovers leave

how blue do you think it gets

before it passes away

does it pass away

or does it still exist somewhere

waiting for us to come back

when we lied to ourselves by

calling this unconditional and left

which one of us hurt more

i shattered into a million little pieces

and those pieces shattered into a million more

crumbled into dust till

there was nothing left of me but the silence

tell me how love

how did the grieving feel for you

how did the mourning hurt

how did you peel your eyes open after every blink

knowing i'd never be there staring back

it must be hard to live with
what ifs

there must always be this constant dull aching

in the pit of your stomach

trust me

i feel it too

how in the world did we get here

how did we live through it

and how are we still living

how many months did it take
before you stopped thinking of me

or are you still thinking of me

cause if you are

then maybe i am too

thinking of you

thinking of me

with me

in me

around me

everywhere

you and me and us

do you still touch yourself to thoughts of me

do you still imagine my naked naked tiny tiny body

pressed into yours

do you still imagine the curve of my spine and
how you wanted to rip it out of me

cause the way it dipped into my
perfectly rounded bottom

drove you crazy

baby

sugar baby

sweet baby

ever since we left

how many times did you pretend

it was my hand stroking you

how many times did you search for me in your fantasies

and end up crying instead of coming

don't you lie to me

i can tell when you're lying

cause there's always that little bit of
arrogance in your response

are you angry with me

are you okay

and would you tell me if you're not

and if we ever see each other again

do you think you'd reach out and hold me

like you said you would

the last time we spoke and
you talked of the next time we would

or do you think we'd just look
shake in our skin as we pine to
absorb as much as we can of each other

cause by this time we've probably got
someone else waiting at home

we were good together weren't we

and is it wrong that i'm asking you these questions

tell me love

that you have been

looking for these answers too

you call to tell me you miss me

i turn to face the front door of the house

waiting for a knock

days later you call to say you need me

but still aren't here

the dandelions on the lawn

are rolling their eyes in disappointment

the grass has declared you yesterday's news

what do i care

if you love me

or miss me

or need me

when you aren't doing anything about it

if i'm not the love of your life

i'll be the greatest loss instead

where do we go from here my love

when it's over and i'm standing between us

whose side do i run to

when every nerve in my body is pulsing for you

when my mouth waters at the thought

when you are pulling me in just by standing there

how do i turn around and choose myself