The Stranger Inside (25 page)

Jeremy was silent. He gently wrapped his hands around mine, holding them away from each other, so I couldn’t reach my wrists. “A
small
fight.”

“With Chloe? … Over you?”

He gave my hands a squeeze, like for support. But he didn’t answer. Instead he completely changed the subject—like
completely
. “Remember Alice—the cafeteria lady?”

The quick change of subject made me blink. Obviously, he wanted to take my mind off the Chloe incident. He was sneaky—totally knew which buttons to push. It worked, though. I nodded.

He gave a lazy smile, his sultry eyes twinkling. “She got married.” His lips twitched. “She married the school janitor, Mr. Felix. Remember him?”

My lips parted. “Mr. Felix?”

Thinking about that warmed my insides. Made me … happy. Alice with Mr. Felix. Not alone. Either of them.

“Yeah.” Jeremy gave a gentle laugh. “They have a dog. They take him to the same park I take Norton. It’s cute.” He leaned his head down to mine, making me look into his sultry brown eyes. “You should come with me sometime.”

I felt even warmer. Toasty. Alice … with Mr. Felix. And a dog. Oh my gosh. I was smiling. Actually smiling. For real. It was a miracle. Jeremy was the only person in the entire world that could possibly do that. Make me smile when my world was crashing all around me. But … I already knew that. And it made my heart ache.

Because he was over me.

CHAPTER 23

In chemistry, Mr. Daniels was demonstrating how a vat of chemicals he had mixed together could instantly disintegrate everything he put in it. He called it his “garbage disintegrator.” Cool as it was, I couldn’t concentrate on his caustic soup or anything he was saying. I kept thinking I saw a shadow dart across the wall, but every time I looked up, it was gone. Every time. Because of course it wasn’t really there.

Was it?

I didn’t know anymore. I just flicked my rubber bands against my wrists, unsure. All I knew was I kept thinking I saw the shadows a lot in Mr. Daniels’s class. It had me snapping my rubber bands like crazy. Still, because seeing shadows had become part of my life, I tried to focus. I watched Mr. Daniels throw a broken lounge chair into the huge vat.

“Kenzie?”

I bolted up, my heart pounding brutally against my chest. I’d seen shadows in Mr. Daniels’s class, but I’d never
heard
one in there before.

I peered around. The hairs on my arm stood on end. But there was nothing. No shadows. “I’m losing it,” I muttered.

Micah looked at me questioningly, like
what?
I shook my head at him, like
nothing
. He was very into Mr. Daniels’ demonstration. The whole class was. I tried again to focus.
Relax—there are no shadows
. But my heart was beating like mad. And I was a shaking wreck.

Suddenly, I heard it again, “Kenzie?” Then there they were, shadows up on the wall, moving around frantically, whispering over and over again, “Kenzie? Kenzie? Kenzie?”

My heart slammed against my chest. I sat straight up, my body rigid. I gasped, snapping my rubber bands harder. No use. But suddenly, I remembered something: the library. The memory surged into my brain—the night at library when I’d made those shadows disappear. Me. No rubber bands.

What was it I’d felt prompted to say?
There’s no Kenzie here?

It seemed it would work.
Felt
like it. Only …I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t get the words out. Not one word. Instead, I leapt for the door, bolted for it, my legs shaking and unsteady and ready to collapse. I raced out of class and down the hall, my chest burning, on fire.

But out of Mr. Daniels’ class was silence. There were no shadows. The halls were empty. Quiet. Finally, I stopped running. I leaned against the wall, trying to catch my breath, calm my heart.

Micah was at my side in a flash, looking worried. “Jodi, it’s still you, isn’t it? What’s the matter?”

He wouldn’t be asking if he saw the shadows. But I couldn’t tell him. Didn’t want to. “You can go back to class, Micah.”

“No. You look scared,” he said. “What’s going on?”

Really, I was glad he didn’t leave me. Go back to class, as I’d said. I didn’t want to be alone. “Will you come with me to the bathroom?”

He looked at me quizzically.

“I just want to throw water on my face. I don’t feel good.”

Micah came in the bathroom with me, looking around with interest, waiting patiently as I splashed water on my face. Then I stared at myself in the mirror.

“Don’t tell Jeremy, okay?”

Micah looked uncertain. “Oh. I don’t know, Jodi. I’m pretty sure he would want to know.”

“I was just feeling sick, just a little bit. That’s all.”

He didn’t look as though he believed me.

“Micah. I’m fine.”

“Then lets go back to class,” he challenged. “That disintegrating stuff was pretty cool.” Micah eyed me. “So, come on Jodi, let’s go back to class.”

I bit my lip. “I still feel kind of sick. You can go back if you want,” I said, praying with all my heart he wouldn’t.

“Okay,” he said, gesturing toward the door. “I’m going to go.”

“Okay.”

He exhaled. “Jeez, Jodi. I’m not going to leave you. You’re obviously going through something. Let’s just go get Jeremy.”

“No!” I said. “No Jeremy.” I rubbed my throbbing forehead. “You can’t tell him Micah. Swear.”

***

Jeremy gave me a ride home from school. Micah apparently didn’t tell him about my freak-out in class. Relief! I couldn’t take him knowing. It wasn’t like I didn’t think Jeremy would understand—try to help. I knew he would. But I couldn’t take him feeling sorry for me, not any more than he already did. His eyes looking full of pity—agony to my heart. I needed some distance from him, and letting him comfort me wasn’t going to do that. It was going to do the total opposite.

As it was, Jeremy walked me to all my classes after lunch too. We didn’t talk about Kenzie or Chloe, though. I didn’t have the energy to bring them up again and I knew Jeremy wouldn’t. And he didn’t.

In fact, we didn’t talk about much of anything. That was okay, though. He was beside me. That was enough. All I wanted. Or anyway, all I could handle.

On the ride home, I tried to chill—forget about the shadows, and instead feel good about my new plan. Dr. Burk guaranteed he could help people—get rid of their hallucinations once and for all. He had testimonials from cured people on his website—people that had felt hopeless, like me—then poof, no more hallucinations.

So chill
, I told myself. Then I tried to think about Alice and Mr. Felix together, happy. With a dog. The thought still warmed me.

I popped in one of The Clutch CDs and sang along—ignoring the fact I can’t sing. Jeremy kept biting back little smiles. Every once in a while he’d sing along—his voice gorgeous, but going playful because he’s like that—into having a good time, not taking things too seriously. It was fun.

But then, the song
Little Jodi
came on, making my heart throb, the words filling me with an inexplicable emptiness and longing. I lunged forward, quickly popping out the CD.

Jeremy glanced at me sideways. “You don’t like the song?”

“No. I do, but …”

“Yeah, I know.”

The silence was thick.

Neither of us spoke for a long time. But then Jeremy surprised me, asking huskily, “Do you want to go somewhere?—get something to eat?”

My heart fluttered at the suggestion—stupid heart! Though I was tempted,
so
tempted, to stay with him—stay with him every moment I could—I shook my head. Poor Sawyer was sick; I needed to check on him, not purr over his best friend. And besides, I was anxious to do more research on Dr. Burk, my new hope. I wanted to find out he was totally for real and could help me—like, cure me.

Jeremy leaned back in his seat and stole a look at me. “It’s just that it’s been a good day.” His eyes flickered to mine again. “Kinda like being your boyfriend for the day.”

That got my heart galloping. I’m such a sap. At least I was cynical enough to remind myself these days Jeremy could only
handle
being someone’s boyfriend for a day—just one day. Then he was on to someone else.

Still, I had to nod, unable to disagree, though I wished I could. Really wished I could. But it
had
been a good day—the parts with Jeremy, anyway. He had been so incredibly tender and sweet—guiding me through the crowded halls of school as though I was a precious heirloom he was afraid might break, giving me his full-on devoted attention. But I was pretty sure he only suggested us staying together now because he was concerned about me. Like since Sawyer was out of commission, he felt responsible for my care. Worried he still needed to babysit me.

It made me grit my teeth and add, “It was nice, but I have a boyfriend.”

Jeremy gave me a quizzical look, then slightly shook his head, pinning his gaze straight ahead at the road. “I know,” he muttered. “Believe me I know. You always bring that up, like I could forget or something.”

“Well sometimes you act like you have forgotten,” I lied.

“Well, believe me, I never do.” Jeremy was silent for a moment, then glanced over at me, looking as though he was trying to read my thoughts. “I just don’t understand why you had to choose my best friend.”

For some reason, hearing him say that made me tremble. I wrapped my hands around my rubber bands, clutching them. “Sawyer and I getting together—it had nothing to do with you.”

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

Heat rushed in. I clutched the rubber bands tighter, snapping, snapping, snapping. “Just run off with your little blond girlfriends,” I snarled, then added kind of vicious, “Just leave Sawyer and me alone.”

“Do you really mean that?”

He flicked his gaze to me and I squeezed my eyes shut. Maybe
he
wanted that—for me to release him. From everything; from the burden of watching over me. Maybe all this time—ever since he found out about Kenzie—he had been needing that. Release. Like, maybe he felt partly responsible for me—because of our past or because he knew I was all alone, with Dad dead and Mom cold and distant and too busy to notice me. Too self-absorbed and psycho. And his dad looked through me, like I wasn’t even there. Maybe Jeremy didn’t just feel sorry for me. Maybe he felt responsible.

I didn’t really ever think of that before. That he wanted to be free of me. I mean, not just not his girlfriend, but not his … anything.

But now that the thought was there, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I remembered the other day, in the mall, how intent he got when he asked, “Jodi, do you want me to leave you alone?” He had practically held his breath, waiting for my answer.

It didn’t occur to me, not then, that he might want my answer to be “Yes. Leave me alone.” That he was praying for it.

Tears sprang to my eyes. I glanced at him. He was still watching me, his eyes intent. But I didn’t answer. Couldn’t. Finally, he pulled his gaze away from me to stare out at the road, but his question still burned in my brain.
Do you really mean that?

I didn’t mean it. Of course. Except for that Christmas, so many years ago, Jeremy had never intentionally hurt me, ever. Since I moved back here, he had never been anything but decent and kind to me. And although he treated his girlfriends insensitively, he certainly never treated me that way.

No, he didn’t treat me like a girlfriend, didn’t call me up to chat, or come to the house to visit. And when he did come to the house, he had brought a girl. He made sure I understood he was completely over me. Didn’t love me. But ever since Kenzie popped up he always made sure I knew he had my back. Always.

So I felt sort of ashamed for being a jerk to him—just now, and all the other times. I sighed. “No, Jeremy, I don’t mean it.” I clamped my jaw shut, trying to piece my feelings together—trying to understand my bitter, hurting self. “I’m sorry I say hateful things to you—I don’t even know why I say them. It’s just I’m mad at you, Jeremy. You didn’t say a word to me—not one—about Kenzie or last night.”

I’d been biting back my anger about that since lunch—him not telling me Kenzie had gone to the mall last night looking for him. I wanted to demand he stay away from Kenzie. Demand he tell me everything she did last night—everything—the fight, the hands all over each other, everything. Geez, how many other nights had she gone to him without me knowing?

But Jeremy wasn’t like Sawyer. I couldn’t force him to do anything. He had no obligations to me. He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. He was just a guy now, one who had the misfortune to be tied to my past—and present—and was unabashedly craved by my slutty alter ego. Still, I knew he cared about me. Only not enough to tell me the truth. Apparently.

Jeremy weighed his words. “Jodi … You don’t want to know about Kenzie.”

I groaned. “What did she do last night? What does she keep on doing?”

Jeremy closed his eyes and set his jaw, then he shook his head. “Look, I’m not going to tell you. Go be with Sawyer. Be happy.”

I clutched my stomach tighter, my heart aching. “You’re seriously not going to tell me?”

He was silent a long time. It seemed he wasn’t going to. “I can handle her,” he finally said. “She won’t hurt people.”

A chill ran down my spine. My voice hitched; I could barely get the words out. “You mean like my dad—with an axe?”

He flicked a look at me, his eyes full of pity. And concern. He shook his head slowly. “No. Jodi, no. I promise you, she’s not going to do that.”

But he didn’t really look convinced.

CHAPTER 24

Jeremy dropped me off at the house, watching me go in with a worried expression on his face. Of course the first thing my eyes lit on when I opened the front door was the den phone. But for once seeing it filled my heart with warmth instead of the usual jab of pain. Made me think of Alice happy, not Jeremy’s betrayal. His rejection.