The Status of All Things (27 page)

“It’s been too long since I cooked for you,” he says as he mixes the garlic, basil, and tomatoes, sprinkling salt and pepper before spreading the mixture on the toast he just pulled from the oven. “Too long since I’ve done a lot of things,” he adds, and I know last night is still on his mind—that the bruschetta is a peace offering.

“Well, I’m glad you’re cooking for me tonight. This is delicious,” I say, spooning some of the mixture out of the bowl. I debate commenting on the last part of what he said, knowing that after I make my last wish he won’t remember the conversation anyway.

But I will—I’ll take every single memory with me. The way Max and Courtney seemed to come together no matter how hard I tried to tear them apart, the way Jules and Ben’s marriage began to unravel, and the look in Liam’s eyes when I told him I didn’t think I could live a life without Max, that I couldn’t give Liam the chance he wanted. I’ll never forget the way my heart broke a little bit when I realized that I was crushing his.

I watch Max as he scurries through the kitchen, pouring the wine, finishing the last touches on our meal, trying to memorize every detail of his face, the way he tilts his head when he’s concentrating, the way his brow furrows as he tosses the salad. I swirl the red wine in my glass and bring myself to ask the question that needs to be answered.

“Max?”

“Yeah?” he responds, still concentrating on the wooden mixing bowl.

“Why do you love me?”

His hands are still clenching the salad tongs and he slowly looks up at me. “Why are you asking me that? Is this about last night? Because—”

“No,” I interrupt, and the forcefulness of my answer makes him flinch a little. “I just want to know.”

He grabs a towel and wipes his hands. “I love the life we’ve built together. We’re a great team, Kate.” He walks over and kisses me. “I love you. I want to make you happy.”

“I know,” I say, unable to meet his eyes. I knew he meant his words. I had witnessed his determination in putting Courtney aside for me, all in the name of our happiness. I grab him and pull him in tight, burying my face in his neck, drinking in his spicy smell, trying to freeze this moment in my head.

Finally, I pull back and Max stares at me, waiting for me to say more. “I want you to be happy too,” I say as I kiss him, forcing the corners of my lips into a smile as I turn toward the stairs.

“Where are you going? Dinner’s ready!” he calls after me.

I give him one last look. “There’s something I need to take care of,” I say. “I’ll be right back,” I lie as I head up the stairs and grab my phone off the dresser before I can change my mind.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Back where it all began. #wouldnthaveitanyotherway

I sense the change in scenery even before pulling open my swollen eyes, remembering the way the fluffy white down comforter had wrapped around me like a cocoon that morning, no doubt Jules’ handiwork after I had finally passed out the night before. I sit up slowly, inhaling the salt in the air through the slightly ajar sliding glass door and look over to my right, where I already know I’ll find Jules slumped in a stiff wingback chair in the corner, watching me intently.

“Oh, honey,” she says, her tear-stained face softening when she sees I’m awake.

I swallow, my throat dry and scratchy, and I reach up and rub it.

It worked.
I’m right back where it all started.

I hold my body still, waiting for the crippling emotion to cascade through me as Jules perches on the edge of the bed, her bloodshot eyes regarding me. I force my eyes away from her, to the area of the room where I’ll locate the one thing that will signify this is actually happening.

“Kate?” Jules’ voice sounds raw.

Feeling as if I’m watching a movie of my life, I look toward the closet, my chest seizing for a moment when I fixate on my wedding dress hanging there, steamed and waiting to be worn. I stare at it for several seconds, bracing myself for the fear to set in, waiting for the panic to be unleashed, the doubt to ensue. But the only emotion I feel is relief.

“Say something,
please
,” Jules tries again, and I cover her hand with mine and smile. “You’re smiling?” She half laughs.

I nod. “Everything’s going to be okay,” I say.

“Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be telling you?” Jules frowns and places the back of her hand against my forehead like she had when Evan had strep throat last month. “What were in those pills your mom gave you last night? Because this is not
at all
how I thought you’d react when you woke up this morning.”

“Me either,” I say, thinking how, when I decided to bring myself back to this day, I had been sure the feeling of losing Max all over again would hit me hard and fast like the snow from an avalanche. I never imagined the opposite would happen, that I would feel as if my lungs had expanded so I could finally breathe.

When I’d lumbered up the stairs last night, I’d known what I had to do—that I had to finally let Max go. I’d debated changing my mind as my fingers hovered over the keyboard, but his words to me in the kitchen hung in the air like red flags. All this time, I’d been fixated on Courtney, as if she were the real problem. But when I’d finally mustered the courage to ask Max why he loved me, my temple pulsed as I heard my own doubts echoed in his answer—knowing in that moment, I had to stop hiding from the truth.

Yes, Max would have married me this time, I was sure of it. His eyes would have been moist when he watched me stride down the
aisle toward him. I could imagine him twirling me on the dance floor and carrying me through the doorway of our suite at the end of the night, throwing me down onto the bed as we laughed. He would have done a great job of convincing himself he’d chosen the right girl, and I’d have done an even better one of pretending I’d made the right decision too. But deep down, I knew he would never love me the way I deserved to be loved. And for me, he’d always be a prize I’d fought for, but never really earned.

“Is he gone?” I fling back the comforter, startling Jules.

“Yes—Ben just texted me that he saw him at the desk checking out,” she says slowly, as if she’s trying to take the sting off the words.

I fling my legs over the side of the bed and rummage through my suitcase.

“Are you going to try to stop him?” Jules asks, and even though my back is to her, I know she’s looking at me like I’m batshit crazy. “Kate.”

“No,” I say as I pull on a pair of jeans and a tank top and quickly run a toothbrush over my teeth.

“Then why—”

“I’ll explain later,” I yell as the door to the hotel suite clicks closed behind me. I rush down the carpeted hallway in my bare feet, hoping to stop him before he leaves, needing to say things to him that can’t wait another minute, that have waited too long already.

When I get to the reception desk he’s not there and I stop running, bracing myself for the fact that I might have missed him. But then I see him stepping into a cab out front. “Max!” I call.

He turns when he hears my voice, his face ashen, probably expecting me to yell at him, or worse, beg for him to stay. I think of the last time when Jules told me he was gone. I hadn’t asked
any more questions about Max. Instead, I’d started questioning her about the guests and the wedding details, worried about what people were going to think, what I would say in my own defense of how I let a relationship I had portrayed as perfect detonate like a land mine. That day felt like a lifetime ago.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask when I reach him, now standing stiffly outside of his taxi, running his hand through his hair, and I want to pull it away from his head and tell him he doesn’t need to be nervous. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to change your mind again.”

Max gives me a long look, then asks his cabdriver if he can wait for a few minutes. As he walks tentatively beside me toward a bench at the edge of the circular driveway, I notice the dark shadows under his eyes. He hadn’t slept last night.

“Kate, I don’t know how many more times I can say I’m sorry,” he starts, but I put a finger to his lips.

“I know. That’s not what this is about. I just want to clear the air before you leave.”

“What changed? Because last night you were so”—he starts, then stops, remembering my reaction—“upset, so angry.” I raise my eyebrows and he quickly adds, “Not that I didn’t deserve it. I guess I’m trying to reconcile that Kate with the one sitting here.”

I wish I could tell him the truth. How thankful I am that he tried so hard to make it work the second time. That he might have done me the greatest favor of my life. “I had some time to think about things,” I finally say, looking down at my bare finger, my engagement ring resting in a velvet box in the safe in my hotel room, knowing I’ll return it to him as soon as I get back home.

“Okay,” Max says, giving me the same skeptical look Jules did
in the hotel room. Wondering how, in just twelve hours, I could have swung so fiercely in the opposite direction.

“I just want you to know that we’re okay and
I’m
okay. I still wish you hadn’t waited until we were
here
to tell me.” I sweep my hand toward the hibiscus bushes lining the property, the rolling green hills of the golf course, the koi pond next to us. “But I agree with you—we aren’t meant to be married.”

“Really?” he says, his face so full of relief that I have to swallow back an involuntary tear. “Because, Kate, I really do believe that. And I’m so sorry I waited so long,” he says as he wrings his hands, and I imagine he’s thinking about Courtney, sure I won’t be quite as forgiving once I discover he’s leaving me for her—that she’s the reason he can’t see our future together anymore. “I was so confused. I want you to know, it was such a hard decision for me. I never wanted to hurt you. Please remember that.”

I grab his hand, which is soaked with sweat. “I know. Sometimes the truth has to hit us over the head before we can see it,” I say, thinking about Ruby, realizing now that going back had never been about fighting to stay with Max, it had been about learning to push beyond my fear to find clarity, even if it meant I might get hurt.

We both digest my words, our hands still locked together as we watch the palm trees swing hard with each wind gust stretching toward the sky but their trunks solid and secure. Exactly how I felt at this moment. “Max, I know about Courtney.”

The color drains from his face as he opens his mouth to respond. “How—”

“Does it even matter how?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Nothing happened—I swear to you . . .” He looks down at his hands, wringing them like a wet dishrag.
Finally he meets my eyes again. “I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s something between us and I need to find out what it is.”

“I know that too,” I say, and sigh as Max releases his explanation fast and furiously, like each syllable makes him feel less guilty, telling me how hard he tried to fight it and how conflicted he’s been. I finally put my hand up to silence him. I’d already witnessed firsthand why Courtney and Max were meant to be together, I didn’t need to hear it from him again.

“Here’s the thing,” I begin, searching for the words to explain to him why I was so seemingly calm, despite the fact he was leaving me for someone I had considered a friend. Because the truth was, their betrayal still hurt—the searing pain had morphed into a dull ache that would reside in my chest for a long time to come. But it had become clear that they were the puzzle pieces that fit, not us. And as crazy as it might sound, there was a part of me that admired them for not letting life lead them around like it had them on a leash—the way I had let life lead me for so long.

I turn toward Max, letting myself look into his eyes. I may not be his soul mate, but there’s no doubt in my mind that we still have love for each other. “I think I’m finally learning that I can’t force something that isn’t meant to be.” I think about the battle I’d waged for Max, the energy I’d exerted to change the course of my life, thinking I could conjure my own happiness along with it. I squeeze Max’s hand tighter. “I just want you to be happy. And if she’s the person who can do that, then you have to follow your heart toward her.”

“Thank you. I want you to be happy too,” he says softly.

“I know you do,” I say. “And that’s why I’m letting you go.”

Max’s eyes search mine for the rest of the answers I can’t give
him—he’d never believe me if I told him anyway. “And you can tell Courtney she can have custody of Magda. I’m sending my resignation later today,” I say, having decided before I made my wish that the best thing would be for me to leave the advertising agency. I knew Courtney was better at the job than I was anyway—I just didn’t have the same passion for it. And I was done fighting for Magda’s acceptance.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should think about it for a few days. Don’t make any rash decisions, especially after what happened last night. I don’t want you to regret anything.”

“I won’t,” I say definitively, but quickly adding, “It’s time for me to move on. And even though I meant it when I said I’m okay with everything, that doesn’t mean I want to see Courtney every day. My friendship with her is over, ” I say, gently reminding him that even though I wasn’t unraveling at the seams, there were still consequences to the choices they had made.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “But that’s okay too,” I say in the same breath. I wasn’t sure what my next career move was, but I had money saved and I knew I would take the time to figure out what I really wanted.

The cabdriver gives a short honk and leans out the window, gesturing that it’s time to go. “So, I guess this is good-bye?” Max says.

“It is,” I say, hugging him tightly and watching as he climbs into the taxi, looking back one last time as it pulls away from the curb.

• • •

“Un-fucking-believable!” Jules exclaims when I finish telling her about my exchange with Max. I had sat on the bench long after
he left, with my legs curled up beneath me, breathing deeply, letting the fresh air penetrate my lungs until Jules had come rushing out, frantically looking for me. I had patted the seat beside me and filled her in, her mouth flying open as I revealed Max was in love with Courtney, it growing wider when I told her that I’d already made peace with it.

“Hey, so there’s something I need you to do for me,” I say.

“Anything.”

“When I cancel our honeymoon,” I say, thinking of the suite I had booked us on the remote island of Lanai, the way the lush green land reached the ocean, “I’m going to rebook it for next month. For you and Ben.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s already paid for. And I thought it might be a nice getaway for you guys. You know, to reconnect?”

“What about the kids?” she asks.

“I’ll watch them.”

“What about your job?”

“I’ll be able to get the time off,” I say, not ready to tell her I was quitting just yet—she was still trying to digest that I wasn’t falling apart over Max.

“We couldn’t possibly—”

“Shush,” I interrupt. “You’re going. End of story.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“A very wise person once told me that marriage is hard—that you have to keep fighting for it every day,” I say, thinking of Jules’ own words to me. “Maybe this will make it a little easier to do that.”

Jules’ chest compresses as she exhales. “How did you know this is just what we need?”

“I had a feeling,” I say cryptically.

• • •

I nearly spit out my coffee as it burns my tongue.

“I told you to be careful, I had them make it extra hot,” my mom says, looking concerned.

“It’s fine,” I say. “I think I’m just desperate for caffeine.”

My mom had tracked me down in my hotel room with two lattes in hand and a worried look on her face. And like Jules, she’d eyed me warily as I’d weaved the same story—that I had woken up with a new outlook on life. But then she’d hugged me tightly when I’d finished, her shoulders caving with relief.