The Soulmate Equation (18 page)

River reached to shake Pops's hand. “It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard great things.”

“Likewise.” Pops returned the handshake, and Jess had to bite
her lip to keep from smiling. “And thank you for taking care of our little Junebug here. It's been quite an afternoon.”

“It was no problem,” River said. “Sometimes it's fun to take a Muppet to ballet.”

Juno wiggled wildly on Pops's lap, sticking her fingers in her ears, screwing up her face.

“There she is,” River said fondly.

Juno came to an abrupt stop, seeming to remember something. “Will Nana have her scooter again?”

“I'm not sure,” Pops told her. “We better get my steel-toed boots out of storage just in case.”

The pager went off in Jess's lap: the disk illuminated with red lights, vibrating across her thigh. Pops stood abruptly, depositing Juno in his seat before he picked up the pager and hustled to the nurses' station.

“She must be out of surgery,” Jess said, watching him.

“I'm going to let you get to it, then.” River glanced at Juno. “Thank you for spending the afternoon with me, Juno Merriam. It's been a long time since I went to a ballet class.”

“You're welcome,” she said. “You can come again if you want.”

“Well, maybe I will.” He smiled, turning to Jess. “Call me if you need anything else?”

“I will.” Words she wanted to say tangled up in her chest in an emotional clog. Gratitude and lust and fear and longing. She didn't want him to leave. She wanted to stand, slide her arms around his waist under his jacket, and whisper her thanks into the warmth of his neck. But instead, she simply said, “Thank you, River.”

NANA CAME THROUGH
surgery with flying colors. She was wheeled into recovery, and while Pops was able to have some time with her, Jess and Juno had a little picnic with sandwiches, fruit, and cookies in the family waiting room.

“How was your afternoon with Dr. Peña?”

“I call him River Nicolas, and he calls me Juno Merriam,” she corrected around a mouthful of mandarin orange. “We went to ballet class and he met Ms. Mia, and he was going to wait in the parents' room, but I asked Ms. Mia if he could watch us practice our recital. He sat on the floor by the mirror and watched us, Mom. He saw how good we were.”

“I bet he was impressed.” Jess's chest pinched tightly at the image of six-foot-four-inch River sitting cross-legged on the floor of the dance studio.

“
Then
we got a pretzel and some flowers, but he thought you guys might be hungry, so we got sandwiches, too.” She munched on her orange and then looked up at Jess with wide blue eyes. “Did you know, I told him that you don't like raw onions and he said he doesn't like raw onions, either?”

“I didn't know that, but it was very nice of you guys to bring us dinner.” She ran her hand through Juno's coppery hair.

“Now is he your boyfriend?” Juno met her eyes and then looked away in a rare display of shyness. “Because today he picked me up at school sort of like a daddy would.”

“Oh.” A sharp ache pressed up from Jess's stomach to her
breastbone. “Well, we're friends. So, when I needed help picking you up, he offered to help me like friends do.”

Juno looked disappointed. “Oh.”

“But I'm really glad you like him.” Jess leaned forward, kissing her daughter's forehead. “It's been a long day, hasn't it?”

“I'm not tired,” Juno claimed through a yawn. “But I bet Pigeon is wondering where we are.”

Jess smiled as they cleaned up their food, watching Juno grow droopier with every passing second. She thought she was a big kid, but as soon as eight o'clock came around, exhaustion rolled over her like an offshore drift. With Nana asleep, they said goodbye to Pops. Jess made him promise to get some sleep, too, and promised him that she'd be back in the morning. She lifted Juno, and wiped-out little arms made their way around Jess's neck, her legs around Jess's waist.

The elevator doors opened to the ground floor, and Jess stepped out, stopping in her tracks when she saw River perched in a chair near the exit. Approaching him, Jess balanced Juno in her arms. “River, oh my God, you're still here?”

He looked up from his phone and abruptly stood. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Jess laughed uncomfortably. Guilt oozed through her. “I hope you didn't feel like you had to stay.”

He looked sheepish and sleepy. Jess wasn't sure why, but it made her want to cry. “I wanted to see how she was,” he said. “Your grandmother.”

“She's a champ. Everything went fine.” Jess smiled. “She's sleeping now, but I'm sure she'll start hassling them to let her go tomorrow.”

“Good.” He tucked his phone in his pocket and glanced at Juno, asleep like a sack of potatoes over her shoulder. “I also wanted to thank you for trusting me today.” He leaned to the side, confirming that Juno was out. “She mentioned something in the car to me about Krista and Naomi?”

“Those are her two best friends at school.”

He clicked his tongue, wincing a little. “I think maybe she had a rough day. We talked it out a bit, but sounds like they weren't being super nice to her at lunch. Just wanted to let you know.”

Jess's heart twisted. Her sunshine girl rarely spoke about school; it must have been rough if she mentioned it. “I'll ask her about it. Thank you. You're amazing.”

“
She's
amazing, Jess. You're doing a great job.”

She had to swallow twice before she could get the words out. “Thank you for saying that.” Pride warmed her from the inside out. Juno
was
an amazing kid, proof that Jess was a good mom—most of the time. It hadn't been easy, but they were doing it. His compliment loosened something in her, though, and Jess was suddenly exhausted, too.

“Can I walk you to your car?”

She nodded and they turned, passing through the automatic doors and out into the humid, cool night. At her car, Jess fumbled in her purse for the keys.

“Can I help you with something?” he asked, laughing like he felt useless.

“Nah. You should have seen me when she was younger. A car seat, diaper bag, stroller, and groceries. I'd make an excellent octopus.” Remote in hand, she unlocked the car.

“I'm beginning to see that.”

River opened the back door and she bent to carefully deposit a floppy Juno into the seat, buckling her in. When she straightened, closing the door, he was still there. The sky was dark; the parking lot had mostly emptied out. Crickets chirped from a nearby bush. Jess wondered if he was going to kiss her. The ache for him seemed to expand inside her like a star.

“Thank you again,” she said.

The moment stretched and then he was leaning in, diverting slightly to the left at the very last second so that his lips pressed to the corner of her mouth. It would have been so easy for her to turn her head slightly one way or the other, and they both knew it. She could have made it more intimate, or she could have refused him. Instead, she kept them there in this weird limbo, feeling his lips so close to hers, his breath fanning warm across her skin. She was equal parts caution and lust. She needed to protect her little family; she wanted his mouth open, the heat of him. She needed proof that this wasn't all fake; she wanted his hands shoving her clothes away.

She was being a coward.

He straightened and gave her one last, lingering smile. “Night, Jess.”

Before he could turn away, she caught his fingers with hers. “River. Hey.”

He frowned down at her, waiting, but the longer she stood there looking up at him, the more his expression transitioned from concern to understanding. Finally, he turned his hand over in hers, threading their fingers together. “You okay?”

She nodded, swallowing down the tangle of angst in her throat.
Pressing her hand to his chest, she stretched, and he stood carefully still as she brushed her mouth over his. When she stepped away, he stared down at her with the same unreadable restraint. If she'd been any less exhausted, Jess would have felt like a complete idiot. “Yeah—sorry. Just. Wanted to do that.”

River reached up, gently guiding her hair behind her shoulder. “Even without an audience?” he asked quietly.

“I'm amazed we did it
with
an audience.”

A smile broke slowly across his face, starting with his eyes and moving down to lips that curved up in shy relief. Bending, River set those lips on hers, and the same sensation of floating hit her like a narcotic. He gave her a series of sweet, brief kisses, and finally tilted his head to pull at her lower lip, nudging her mouth, coaxing it open so he could taste her.

The first contact with his tongue was like a shot of adrenaline into her heart, sent with shocking clarity and speed down every extremity. A quiet sound of relief escaped her throat and it turned something over in him; his hands flew around her back, pulling her flush against him.

Jess had the acute urge to crawl inside him somehow, kissing him with the kind of concentrated, building intensity she'd never felt before. Not even at the cocktail party. Alone together in the darkness of the parking lot, with a black sky all around and fingers of the cold, damp February air dipping beneath their collars, River left no room, holding her close and sending his warm, broad hand up under the hem of her sweater, pressing his hand flat to the small of her back.

Tight, hungry sounds escaped whenever they pulled away and
came back for more. He bent possessively, one hand holding firm at her back, the other sliding up her neck, cupping her jaw, digging into her hair. Jess could, in an instant, see how easily he would devour her. A current vibrated when they came together; he became less man than pure energy, arms shaking with restraint. She imagined scooting back on a bed, watching him prowl forward, anticipating how it would feel to let him do whatever he wanted to her. Begging him to.

River broke the kiss, breathing hard and resting his forehead on hers. “Jess.”

She waited for more, but that seemed to be all of it, the quiet exhalation of her name.

Slowly, with the clarity of the sharp, cool air in her lungs and space from the intoxicating weight of his body against hers, she returned to herself. The night sky tickled the back of her neck; a sodium light buzzed overhead.

“Wow,” she said quietly.

“Yeah.”

He pulled back and looked down at her, a tether connecting something inside her to him. They were quiet, but the air didn't feel empty.

River pulled his hand out from beneath her shirt, leaving the skin on her back suddenly chilly without the heat of his palm. And then the sensation doubled—as she leaned back into the cold side of her car, a violent shiver ran through her.

All at once, their proximity sank in.

Her car.

Juno.

Jess whipped around, horrified to remember only for the first time in several minutes that her child could possibly watch this through the window. Jess deflated in relief to find that Juno was still out cold.

What was I thinking?

River stepped away, cupping his neck. “Shit. I'm sorry.”

“Oh my God.” Jess lifted her hands to her face, breathless for an entirely new reason. “No, I started it. I'm—sorry.”

She walked around to the driver's side, meeting his eyes over the top of the car. She was losing her head. This was all moving way too fast, and she had the sense that neither of them was behind the wheel. “Thank you,” she said, aware of the knowing, calculating way he watched her. Inwardly, Jess shook herself; she barely knew him. She was letting this soulmate stuff get to her.

“Good night,” he said quietly.

“Night,” Jess replied, her voice hoarse. She worried her panic and lust and confusion showed plainly on her face. She must have looked like a lunatic—wide-eyed and breathless—but fondness warmed his gaze from the inside out, as if he was seeing exactly the person he wanted to see.

P
OPS WASN'T ANSWERING
his phone. He probably forgot to charge it.

Despite the draw of good coffee and the emotional ballast of her best friend—Fizzy'd gotten back from LA late last night—Jess decided to take her chances with hospital coffee and headed straight there, finding Pops standing at Nana's bedside, just… staring worriedly down at her. Nana remained hooked up to all manner of hospital monitors, with one leg carefully propped and wrapped from calf to hip, but she was peacefully asleep. Despite this, a glance at Pops's face told Jess he hadn't closed his eyes for longer than a blink since she and Juno had left him last night.

She crossed the room, wrapping her arms around him from behind and kissing his shoulder. “Hey, you.”

He patted her hand, turning his face toward her. “Hey, honey.”

“You been standing here like this all night?”

His laugh came out as a cough. “No. Up and down, though.
There's so much beeping, so much checking in, lights on, lights off. Glad she slept through most of it.”

“She has the benefit of painkillers and a bed,” Jess said. “You must feel like hell.”

He nodded, reaching up to scratch his stubbly cheek with the ends of his blunt, thick fingers. “Just worried about her.”

Jess opened her mouth, but immediately closed it again. Halt this vigilance for a half hour? Jessica Davis knew better. She wouldn't even consider suggesting he go home to shower and get a few hours of sleep in his own bed.

Might as well give him some fortification in the form of caffeine. “I was going to grab some coffee downstairs. Want some?”

“Yes,” he rasped, grateful. “And something to eat, please.”

Jess kissed his shoulder again. “Of course. Back in a few.”

Out in the hallway, it was impossible to ignore the stressful energy of the hospital. Nurses wheeled monitors into rooms; doctors flipped through charts, frowning. A constant white noise of unsynchronized beeping emanated from all directions.

Statistics wheeled through her thoughts—life expectancy after a hip fracture: one-year mortality rate ranged from 14 to 58 percent, with a mean of 21.2 percent. Odds of survival worsened with increasing age, of course; thankfully males were more vulnerable and mobility scores significantly influenced outcome. Nana was active and female…

Meaning at best she only had a one-in-five chance of dying this year.

Numbly, Jess ordered coffee in the cafeteria, grabbing a fruit salad and bagel for Pops. She bent, inhaling the cups, trying to trick
her brain and divert it from a panic spiral. A whiff of the weak brew barely registered.

She sat in a hard cafeteria chair and took a second to check her emails—Kenneth Marshall had sent over some sample data sets, and she had a new request through her website from a wholesale jewelry dealer in Chula Vista. She would need to reschedule the meeting she'd had to postpone yesterday, and bump up a deep dive on analytic epidemiology for some data that was coming in from UCSD. There was no way she was going to get through all of it today, get Pops to rest, talk to Nana's surgeon, and be there for school pickup. At least Juno had run enthusiastically toward Krista and Naomi at drop-off, so Jess didn't have to worry about her.

Swallowing a bitter sip of coffee, she texted Fizzy:

My inbox is terrifying, and I think I'll need to stay here today so Pops can get some rest.

Fizzy replied immediately, anticipating what Jess was going to ask even as she was typing out the question:

Does that mean I get Juno today? Yesssssss!

Jess closed her eyes, tilting her face to the ceiling. Gratitude and guilt prickled hot and cold through her.

Thanks. I won't be late.

I have nothing else going on. Rob is on a work trip, and I missed your kid.

Thank you. I'm sorry—I swear I'll get home as early as I can.

Shut up. I mean it.

Unexpected tears erupted across the surface of her eyes, and the sting pulled her into awareness. Pops was probably starving; Nana might wake up soon.
Pull it together, Jess.

Back up on the orthopedic floor, voices filtered down the hall from Nana's room. Jess heard the low rumble of Pops, Nana's sluggish, soft words… and then the deep, quiet voice that had left her tossing and turning all night.

She turned the corner to see River standing with his back to the door, right next to Pops at the side of Nana's bed. Nana Jo was awake, blurry-eyed but smiling. From behind, Pops's posture looked perkier than it had in twenty-four hours, and he held a to-go cup in his left hand.

“It's good to see you awake,” River was saying. “I met Mr. Davis but didn't get to meet you yesterday.”

Nana still hadn't seen Jess in the doorway—she was mostly hidden by River's body—but Jess caught a glimpse of her beaming up at him. Jess couldn't blame her grandmother; Dr. Peña was
undoubtedly better-looking than she had let on. “Well, you're sweet to come by, hon. Jess has told us all about you.”

This made him laugh. “Has she? Uh-oh.”

“Well,” Nana hedged, laughing lightly, “not as much as I'd like, I admit. That girl is a steel trap.”

“That sounds about right.” This time, they laughed knowingly together, and Jess scowled from behind them. “I'm glad you seem to be feeling better today.”

Nana Jo pushed to sit up, wincing. “They'll probably get me out of bed and walking here soon.”

Pops nodded. “That's right. You up for it, Jellybean?”

“I'm gonna give it my best,” Nana said quietly. Uneasily.

Frozen in the doorway, Jess didn't know what to do or say. River wasn't throwing Nana and Pops into We Have Company mode in the slightest.

“Sounds like you've got a pretty fancy operation over there in La Jolla,” Pops said.

River nodded, tucking a hand into his pocket. “We're hoping. If you two ever want to get tested, you'd be a nice addition to our Diamond Match data.”

Nana laughed, waving him off. “Oh, you're sweet.”

“But he's right,” Pops said, bending to kiss her forehead. “What do you think? Should we see if we're meant for each other?”

Nana smacked his chest, laughing, and Jess felt another mysterious urge to cry.

But when she took a step backward to ease out of view, her shoe squeaked on the linoleum, and all heads turned in her direction. River pivoted fully, breaking into a smile.

“Hey, Nana,” Jess said, walking to her bedside and bending to kiss her soft cheek. “How're you feeling, superstar?”

“Much better with two handsome men and my favorite granddaughter in my room.”

River laughed and extended a coffee from Twiggs to Jess. “I don't think you got your flat white this morning,” he said. “Fizzy said you hadn't been in.”

Their eyes met briefly, and Jess was the first to look away. She flushed at the memory of his mouth on hers.

“Came straight here after school drop-off.” She set the crappy hospital coffee on the windowsill (in case of emergency) and Pops's food on the little table by Nana's bedside. “Thanks,” Jess said, taking the cup from River. Their fingers brushed and it felt like clothes-ripping foreplay.

River curled his hand into a fist, shoving it into the front pocket of his pants. “Just wanted to stop in on the way to work.”

“That's really nice of you.”

Nana Jo gave Jess a
Is that all you have to say to him?
frown, and when River glanced to the side at the sound of a monitor beeping, Jess returned a helpless
What else do you want me to say?
shrug.

Nana Jo rolled her eyes and Jess looked back to River, who unfortunately had caught the tail end of this nonverbal conversation. He cleared his throat and pulled his sleeve back to look at his watch. “I should probably head out.”

“Thank you for stopping by,” Jess managed.

“Yeah,” River said haltingly. “Of course.”

Jess tried again. “Can I walk you out?”

He nodded, and she followed him into the hallway.

“I'm sorry if I'm intruding,” he said immediately.

“No.” She lifted her coffee to him. “This will save me today.”

Frowning, he murmured, “Well, I'm glad.”

What would really be helpful would be to step into his arms and let him worry about everything for a few hours. River seemed willing to be that person.

Last night had felt like falling into a deep well filled with stars. Jess could have stayed in his arms for hours without coming up for air. But right now was not the time to be distracted by constant thoughts of getting into River's pants.

He straightened. “I brought something for Juno.” Digging into his messenger bag, he pulled out a few sheets of paper. “Some roller coaster stuff I printed off last night.”

Jess took the papers without looking at them, unable to shift her gaze from his face. Her heart was ramping up to a crescendo, but her mind had gone unexpectedly mute.

These small, easy ways of caring: sandwiches, coffee, school pickups, roller coaster research.

Juno's heart was built to expand.
He picked me up at school sort of like a daddy would
. She was going to get attached, but if his relationship with Jess didn't pan out after their experiment, he would be gone. Juno would know abandonment—after every tiny and enormous effort Jess had made to build a lasting, secure world for her.

And Jess couldn't deny: she would feel the loss, too. She didn't want him to become indispensable and precious to her. She'd never needed anyone except her tiny circle. She didn't know if she was even capable of trust-falling backward into anyone else's arms.

It was unfair after everything he'd done for her in the past twenty-four hours, but fear crawled up inside her like a creeping, strangling vine anyway. “Thank you for doing that,” she managed robotically, lifting the papers.

River frowned, at a loss against her blank tone. “Okay—well, that's all I've got.” He adjusted the strap on his shoulder, brow furrowed in confusion. This morning's Jess was not the same woman he'd kissed outside of the car last night. “I'll catch you later.”

He turned, stiffly, and began walking toward the elevator.

Stride, stride, stride.

Something thawed in her. “River.” She heard the way her voice rang down the hall, its odd, desperate pitch. “Wait.”

He turned slowly, expression guarded.

“I'm sorry I'm so—” She approached him, stopping a few feet away as she struggled for the right words. “I'm sorry I'm oddly nonverbal today. I'm really grateful for your help with Juno last night, and I love that you brought me a coffee.”

He stared at her, waiting for the rest.

“It's just—none of this is part of our contract. I hope you know I know that. I would never want to take advantage.”

If she thought his expression was flat before, she was wrong. Because at this, his mouth straightened, brow went completely smooth. “You're right,” he said. He stared at his shoes for a clarifying beat, and then smiled stiffly at her. “I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable last night, or today. Let me know if you need anything else.”

He started to turn again, and a clawing desperation rose in her at the sight of him walking away. She wanted him here, she wanted
him
right fucking here
, but that exact feeling was making her want to reach forward and shove him away.

“It's just that I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling,” Jess admitted in a burst.

Slowly, River turned back to her and let out a gently bewildered laugh. “Neither of us does.”

“You stand to make so much money,” she said. “How can that not be constantly on my mind? What would I have done if you hadn't helped with Juno yesterday? But it's always right here,” she said, urgently tapping her temple with an index finger, “to question whether it's genuine. It's one thing if you're fooling me, it's another when it's my kid.”

His brow relaxed. “I'm not here for the stock price, Jess. I've said it before. It isn't about the money.”

“That's something only people who aren't worried about money say.”

River sighed, blinking away and then back to her. “Did last night feel like an act to you?” When she didn't answer, he took a step closer, tone softening. “Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? The DNADuo can bring us together, but it can't make us fall for each other. It can't know your past or mine, or predict what would scare us off, or entice us to be together. All of that is up to us, not the algorithm.”

Jess closed her eyes and reached up, rubbing her hand over her face. Everything he said sounded so logical. But still. She was scared.

She resented her infatuation's persistent stab into every waking moment. She was attracted to River beyond anything she'd felt
before, but it was emotional, too. It was the kind of attraction that sent down roots below the surface.