The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (43 page)

As more and more candidates realized how unpopular they were with the American people, the field narrowed to old man McCain on the center right for the Republicans and the biracial Obama on the left of left for the Democrats. Hillary Clinton, the presumptive Democratic nominee, was left questioning if she really was the first lady to the first black president as nearly everyone, regardless of complexion, voted for Obama.

With their respective nominations secured, the two polar-opposite candidates scheduled less than elaborate press conferences to announce their vice presidential running mates. Obama shocked the electorate with his choice of an old white guy and former primary foe, Delaware Senator Joe “if my lips are moving there is a good chance I am going to offend someone, mostly likely a minority,” Biden. With Biden attending Catholic church, the Obama camp prayed that priests would keep their hands out of the altar boys' pants until after election day.

AS FOR MCCAIN, HE TOOK HIS STRATEGIC ADVISORS TO THE EARLY BIRD AT HIS FAVORITE ARIZONA DINER TO PICK HIS RUNNING MATE.
The squash casserole must have been extra special that night, as McCain went with a far more traditional choice in a moose-hunting hockey mom and current governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. The rifle-using, big-game-killing governor was as comfortable in her designer lumberjack jacket and orange crossing-guard vest as she was in the $180,000 worth of Neiman Marcus clothes she purchased with Republican campaign funds to make her sexier and more physically appealing than her male counterpart. With their sidekicks chosen, it was time to vote!

The media was amped for Election Day. For months, speculation had been running wild about whether or not the young and probably not yet qualified Democrat from Illinois could pull off the ultimate upset.
AS FOR THE SEVENTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD REPUBLICAN HOPEFUL, JOHN MCCAIN, BY THE TIME THE POLLS CLOSED ON THE WEST COAST AT 8:00 P.M. PST, HE HAD BEEN ASLEEP FOR TWO HOURS.
Campaign aides awoke him to let him know that he received millions more votes than anyone could have imagined just a few short months ago. Unfortunately, even with his better-than-expected showing, Obama rocked the vote, winning the popular and electoral vote handily.

All in all, 131,237,603 American adults oddly enough exercised their right not to have another white man join the other white men who had earned the distinction to lead as the president of the United States. To celebrate his historic victory, Obama invited 250,000 of his closest friends, including the enlarging Oprah Winfrey, to join him at Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois. With video of his acceptance speech beaming around the world, it was official: Barack Obama had the kind of change he could believe in.

They say that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. If that involved repeating JFK's life, there would be many volunteers, right up until the whole shooting situation. To that end, please test your knowledge of U.S. history by completing the following exam:

Questions

1.  
   

2. This civil rights leader was shot dead while he stood outside on a second story balcony at the less than classy Lorraine Motel.
   

   

    
   

3. The United States' favorite adulterer
   

   

    
   

4. Her unique ability to sit and do nothing changed civil rights forever.
   

   

    
   

5. He traded oil for virgins.
   

   

    
   

6. Re-enactment of Prohibition would kill this city's tourism.
   

   

    
   

7. This Minnesota congressman nearly kept Ted Kennedy sober.
   

   

    
   

8. Did this All-American half-African win an historic election? YES HE DID.
   

   

    
   

9. His nickname makes you wonder if he could tie his Johnson in a knot.
   

   

    
   

10. The French lent us assistance in the form of equipment and purple silk vests for this war.
    

    

     
    

11. The pseudo-intellectual friend of Mother Earth
    

    

     
    

12. This family had a hard-on for a desert oasis not named Las Vegas.
    

    

     
    

13. Think hard: Who is our most forgettable president?
    

    

     
    

14. This president enjoyed slave-girl action at his Mount Vernon estate.