The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (34 page)

Nothing rips this country apart at the seams more dramatically than an unpopular war. The idea of sending young Americans abroad to fight the fight for a country whose citizens are so geographically challenged that even the brightest of the bright couldn't find the United States on a well-labeled wall map is reason enough to piss a lot of people off. The tiny Asian country of Vietnam was one of these countries that proved to be so geographically deficient about the United States that it quickly divided our country into pro, no-pro war corners.

As for the U.S. citizens fortunate enough to enjoy a government sponsored adventure vacation to the jungles of Vietnam, their knowledge of their travel destination was limited to the handful of times they had dined on the country's cuisine.

As the war in Vietnam escalated, the Bureau of Travel and Military Affairs began to fall behind on its supply of travelers willing to make the trek to the small, impoverished country. To rectify the situation, the B.T.M.A. set up a national lottery beginning in December 1969 for giving away thousands upon thousands of vacation packages to the Asian hotspot. Unfortunately for women and the elderly, the rules of the lottery prohibited them from winning. In fact, preferential treatment was given to males aged eighteen to twenty-six.

With ticket sales sluggish but the commitment still needing to be honored, scores of young men began to receive notification in the mail of their winning lottery number, even though they couldn't recall purchasing a ticket. In addition, the trip winners received new titles like “private” and “soldier.”

The U.S. soldiers, who were fortunate enough to have the government make third-class travel arrangements for them, enjoyed jungles that provided malaria, dysentery, 120-degree temperatures, 95 percent humidity, and obnoxiously inconvenient elephant grass. These conditions proved to be ideal for those interested in fighting in the most hellish possible places.

The U.S. troops were thrown into a situation where they were facing an enemy who had been waging war for many years, with a willingness to continue for years to come. The North Vietnamese guerilla-style war seemed endless because, in fact, it was. With a per-capita income of less than a dollar a day, there wasn't much for the Vietnamese to look forward to once the war concluded.

As the war waged on with mostly reluctant lottery winners, the political battle back home waged on in the safe confines of Washington, D.C. President Kennedy, the gigolo in chief, saw the war as an opportunity to stop the spread of communism and re-establish the might of the U.S. military in the eyes of the world.
HOWEVER, UPON KENNEDY'S ASSASSINATION, LYNDON B. JOHNSON TOOK OFFICE AND LISTED VIETNAM AS PRIORITY NUMBER 3,747 — WELL BEHIND ESTABLISHING A DIVISION I COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF AND DETERMINING IF SALINE BREAST IMPLANTS ARE SAFER THEN SILICONE IMPLANTS.
As more and more Americans became frustrated with the lack of success and purpose with the war in Vietnam, LBJ's popularity began to sink. Johnson, sensing his own unpopularity, announced he was not going to run for re-election.

With Johnson out and Tricky Dick Nixon in, the bitter and unsatisfactory end to the conflict concluded in 1975 with the total pullout of American troops.

FOR A HANDFUL OF DIEHARD WAR FANS, THE WITHDRAWAL WAS MUCH LIKE THE PULLOUT METHOD FOR BIRTH CONTROL — EARLY, INEFFECTIVE, AND UNSATISFACTORY.

In 1969, love children and free love may have been the rage in the United States, but there was no love between the United States and the U.S.S.R. Our hatred for each other ran so deep that Catholic priests from Massachusetts even refused to have sex with Russian altar boys. Unable to declare a winner in the nuclear arms race, both countries turned their attention to the space race.

This race was between the more passive science geeks from each country to see who had the biggest pocket protector and least chance of getting laid. Winner takes all, if you call a celibate lifestyle a prize. Surprisingly, these scientists proved to be the ultimate wingmen, as their hard work has been getting astronauts laid for more than forty years.

The space race officially commenced on October 4, 1957, when the Soviet Union launched a thirty-eight-pound bottle of vodka named Sputnik I into orbit. Behind and upset, President Dwight Eisenhower mercilessly flogged our geek squad until the United States launched Explorer I into orbit in January 1958.

With the space race tied up, the Russian government threatened to reassign their team of space race scientists to the salt mines of Siberia. Fearing their inability to handle the harsh outdoor conditions facing them in Siberia, the chain-smoking, Smirnoff-chugging science geeks from Russia managed to pull ahead despite their vices, and trump the Americans' effort by launching cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin into orbit in 1961. Knowing we were behind, but feeling confident because he had just slept with Marilyn Monroe, President John F. Kennedy calmly yawned and publicly announced he was sending American astronauts to land on the moon.

Over the next eight years, the U.S. government spent $45,571,162 of taxpayer money to send three overeager nerds disguised as astronauts on the ultimate road trip.
ARMED WITH A COUPLE OF CASES OF BEER AND A BOX OF EIGHT-TRACKS, NEIL ARMSTRONG, EDWIN “BUZZ” ALDRIN, AND MICHAEL COLLINS SET OUT ON THE CRAZIEST, MOST DANGEROUS ROAD TRIP OF THEIR TIME.

On July 20, 1969, Armstrong and Aldrin moved their way into the lunar excursion module, separated from the command capsule, and landed safely on the moon at 4:17 P.m., Eastern Daylight Time. Realizing the first one to step onto the moon's surface would benefit from huge amounts of fame and the ability to get laid anywhere, anytime, by practically anyone on planet Earth, Armstrong pushed Aldrin to the side and made his way out of the module and onto the moon's surface.

Shortly after Armstrong, mumbled the now-famous words, “That's one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind,” Aldrin stepped onto the moon's surface to create his own story for the ladies.
WITH UNBELIEVABLE BRAGGING RIGHTS SECURED, THEY THEN SPENT THE NEXT TWENTY-ONE HOURS AND THIRTY-SIX MINUTES POSING FOR PHOTOS IN FRONT OF LOCAL LANDMARKS, PARTAKING IN REGIONAL CULINARY OFFERINGS, AND GENERALLY IMMERSING THEMSELVES IN MOON CULTURE.

So what did Americans get for our $45,571,162?

Not much, actually. Like that one last drink you need to have at the end of a bender, it seemed really important at the time, but the expense soon became regrettable. We got forty-six pounds of moon rocks, a few hours of compelling TV, and a decent movie out of it.

The Soviets, on the other hand, were the bigger losers. Our triumphant moon landing was the first in a series of events that redefined Russian culture. After the loss of the space race, the arms race, the Cold War, and the well-publicized fight between Ivan Drago and Rocky Balboa, the Russians finally joined us in democracy. As other emerging democracies have found out, the price of freedom now includes expensive liquor and cigarettes and a struggling economy. With high unemployment and national pride at a low, Russian men are finding that passive American scientists are a threat again as they marry scores of hot Russian woman via the Internet.